Originally Posted by
DeeryTheDeer
Oh my god... what the hell am I even doing here... :laugh:
Rant: Forever alone, deleted my online dating account (once again, for probably the seventh time or something) because it feels like such a chore just to log on and look AND no guys are replying back anymore, even when I reply back. I had a guy a few months ago I dated a couple times who I REALLY started to like, but he wasn't exclusive, and revealed he was already in a "serious" relationship with someone else. And I think to myself "every guy insists that it's EASY for girls to date. Then it must be a REAL failure if you can't get any action even as a girl". Of course, once in a blue moon there are a couple random yahoos who say "hey babe" who clearly have no proper grammar, punctuation or interest in anything other than sex, but to me, those don't count.
In other news, I've gotten my new psychiatrist's permission to ramp off my anti-depressant, which I got REALLY super excited about, but then once I took only half my regular dosage for just that night, I immediately started freaking out and going into an unusual mad spiral about how alone, unloved and worthless I am and how I should just kill myself now. It got REALLY intense (I pretended to put a knife against my neck to see how it felt, and cried a fair amount). There are plenty of times when I forget to take any of the dosage for a day or so and nothing weird happens at all, so this event was definitely psychosomatic. It was my fear of change manifesting itself into one big bipolar reign of terror. It ended quickly, though. I'm ramping down on the medication with no problems...
Except for the new problem, that is, which is running out of my OTHER medication (a mood stabilizer) and I can't get a refill for it, so I have to do a runaround to try to get it from my new psychiatrist and haven't gotten my dosage last night or tonight. Last night, yet again, I had a huge fear of going off this other pill, leading to a very similar rampage of worthlessness, fear and rage. It's so obvious that it's fear of change. I want to get off ALL my medications eventually. I imagine that this is what it's like for depressed people who start getting better, and they fear change, so that's why that time frame is when they're most likely to commit suicide. I got SO suicidal and crazy over just fear of not having enough pills, or going off the pills permanently.
Rave: I am SO happy to be moving into our nice, big old house again, where I'll grow a HUGE organic garden and it'll all be so beautiful and wonderful in the summer. I've already got so many seeds sprouting at my windowsill now: eggplants, onions, flowers, pomegranates, lemons... I'm obsessed. I want this to be the biggest, most successful garden possible. I'd like to see just how self-sufficient I can get with the amount of food I grow (which will definitely be easier as a vegan now).