My Literature book. Thing.

[Beef Jerky]

Well, everyone is posting their wonderful art... I decided to jump on the train. Now, some sentences in this story may be a bit graphic. You have been warned. Also it is of a horror genre. May not be scary but... It was 12:54am and my parents were on holiday. I was sitting in my dark room on the second floor with the warm glow of the computer screen against my face. I was just logging on to msn when I heard the familiar buzz of the downstairs computer booting up. I just passed it off as I thought “I must have left it on.” Msn opened and a box reading “3 Unread Emails” popped up. I clicked the box and checked my mail. There was one from “Mum”, one from “John Charles” and one from “ “. I opened Mums. It read: “Hello from Bali! We are having a wonderful time! Your father got drunk and almost drowned on the sea-biscuit. He’s a silly man. Well, we are on our way to dinner so… I better finish up. Much love, Mum.” I smiled and opened the next one saying: “$3.00 Viagra” I deleted it and blocked John Charles. The next email just said: “Hello.” I deleted it. Then, someone added me on msn. Their email was [email protected]. I opened his/her chat box and said: “Who is this?” No reply. I saw his Display name and swore. It was “Tristan Day. 132 Silsoe Ave, Boston. 132-555-927.” These were my personal details. His Display Picture was a picture of my house. He then sent a message. It said “Your house is very nice.” I swore again. I grabbed my new and recently sharpened katana I bought from Japan, unsheathed it and bolted down the stairs towards the downstairs PC room. I arrived downstairs and the computer was on. Msn was open and logged off. The window was also open. I freaked out and jumped out of the window, looking for my stalker. He was nowhere to be seen. I waited in my room telling my friends on msn about it. They told me I should be scared. My sister got home. I told her and she said: “Stop trying to scare me. It’s not working.” I told her I’m telling the truth but she just told me to go to bed. So I did. I woke up at 7:21am and I was still quite tired. My sister wasn't out of bed. I went to her room. I shreiked in horror as I found her eviscerated on the bed with blood all over the sheets. Written on the wall in what looked like charcoal was a sentence. It said: “Why me?” I ran out of the house, the sense scared out of me. I ran to the sheriff’s office and told him what happened. He followed me back to my house. When we arrived the body, blood and message were missing. The sheriff told me never to make a joke like that again. I pleaded with him to investigate further. All to no avail. He told me to stop or he’ll tell my parents. I gave up. I returned to my house and rung my friend. I asked him if I could stay over his house for a few days 'till my parents got back. He replied “I can’t. I’m leaving for Europe tomorrow.” I ran back to my room and hid. I fell asleep in the closet. I awoke. I was in my bed. I thought ‘This is odd. I fell asleep inside the cupboard.’ I got out of my bed, put some clothes and a jumper on and bolted down the stairs and out of the house. I headed in the direction of my friends house hoping he hasn’t left yet. As I neared his house, I saw a few cruisers and an ambulance pass by. I sprinted to his house as fast as I could. I arrived and his house is bordered off and the police and medics were standing by. I broke through the barrier as an officer yelled at me. I ran into his house to see what happened. My friend, his family and the dog were dead in the lounge room. I freaked out and got caught by the sheriff as I attempted to escape. He restrained me and I attempted to resist. He grabbed my hair and pulled me down so I grabbed my pocket-knife and attacked him. I slashed him across the abdomen and he was quick to react. He drew his handgun and fired one round into my leg. I screamed and fainted from pain. I awoke. I found myself in a hospital bed. I had been to the hospital before… I didn’t recognize this room. I asked the nurse where I am. She bluntly replied, “You’re ok now.” I repeated my question and she answered, “Boston State Mental Institution.” I demanded, “What is wrong with me?” She replied, “I’m not sure if I’m the one you should be asking” At that moment a doctor walked in. He said, “Tristan, now I’m not sure how to tell you this but, you have been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia” I screamed in despair as I was restrained and jacketed. I was injected with an unknown fluid and my senses began to fail, and I slipped into a deep slumber. Critique welcomed

[Unicorn]

This is a very interesting story, the beginning had so much potential and it really grabbed my attention. However, i started to loose it from the part when you went downstairs --> Instead of meeting your sister who simply tells you to go to bed, i think it would have been more interesting if you investigated and stretched the situation a bit more. I think the best stories are the ones who take place in real-time, there should be no When i woke up the next morning.. i think it has more psychological vigor and makes the reader idenfity more with the character. Keep it up!