Poem: "that Standing We Together"

[Spamtek]

I'm polishing up a portfolio for this creative writing class, and this is my favorite chunk of work out of it all. (edit: check it out, can't even capitalize my own title correctly... rock on&#33 Enjoy it... or don't! That standing we together That standing we together can somehow some what some why? it's all left we've got. ( but what want as well, at least I-) Can me and you now two from one, towards one become, just for one moment, some single beat. We together, we in, amidst, despite a solvent sea. But fight a magnet force is all over, all push against, pull away, you me losing fighting. Grasp for wanting grasp, apart I veer. Lost. We forgot: Struggle is a sabotage; friction predicts failure. We forgot. Nature abhors a, opposites don't. Throw your and my will against will never make an ours. Even standing falls. We together can't. Spaces win. Pieces like to be.

[james-25:22pm]

im surprised no one has replied to this?! im no poetry expert but this is really awesome. i like the sort of reverse sentence fragments you've got going. "Pieces like to be." keep it up, cuz iv read poems from renowned poets with less skill than this. see ya!

[CoLd BlooDed]

It's interesting, to say the least. Seems like you're talking in Yoda-speak. I like the original way everything is presented. Nice, now what's the meaning?

[Spamtek]

I think it's amazing you guys resurrected a 40-day-old topic; my poem must be that good. Thanks for both of your encouragement. As for the meaning - Blake has an idea that the two most fundamental forces in the universe are Innocence and Experience. I like that idea, but to me they're too anthropomorphized; even more basically, I call them Togetherness and Apartness, or Union and Discord. Discord drives our universe forward from the expansion of the first singularity to the furthest ambulation of the stars to the day-to-day narratives of human life, yet at our most fundamental all humans want to be is Together - part of a whole, wanted and loved and As One. The facts of existence and our unfortunate egos get in the way of that pretty wish, though. This is a meditation on how simple every person's deepest need really is and how, despite that simplicity, life and ego drives us to royally fuck over our chances of ever finding the peace and unity with another that we search for.

[Identity X]

I think it's amazing you guys resurrected a 40-day-old topic; my poem must be that good. Thanks for both of your encouragement. Well, just to tip the balance somewhat, I didn't like it. Just seemed like words everywhere - some very nice snippets - but with no coherence between them. And some words seemed very misplaced. But, eh, maybe I'm the only one confused. Doesn't seem a proper poem to me, but then again I have a rather strict verse structure and rhyme to my poetry (if you're interested).

[Moonbeam]

Well, I think I understood it at least. I'm not much of a poetry person, but I got what you were saying.

[Spamtek]

Well, just to tip the balance somewhat, I didn't like it. Just seemed like words everywhere - some very nice snippets - but with no coherence between them. And some words seemed very misplaced. But, eh, maybe I'm the only one confused. Doesn't seem a proper poem to me, but then again I have a rather strict verse structure and rhyme to my poetry (if you're interested). I've found that after experimenting with looser forms with less conventions and expectations, rigid structures start to sound absurd to me when I read them, like they're all nursery rhymes. Obviously that's not always the case and obviously I'm never going to rib on Shakespeare's sonnets or anything, but when I see an otherwise good poem getting twisted into knots because it has to mince its words to meet arbitrary meter and rhyming quotas, I get very sad. Structure has its place: it's stately, composed, intelligent, often witty. But sometimes it's not the correct environment for what needs to be conveyed: confusion, raw anxiety or anger, or just plain disregard for the rules. Spoiler for This never happened, right?: I was squiddling through your poetry logs and ran across "What Sigma Means" which struck me a little since you seem to be addressing at least a little of what I meant to intend - halves and wholes, seeking inclusion and togetherness, only you're speaking about it optimistically and fulfilling the wish in your poem whereas I dash myself about and stutter my lines in isolating anguish. That's fine, but I come to stanzas like this: And if I could take you anywhere Walk briskly to my dreams. The landscape is so different there. Where water turns to steam. Asking your apostrophe to meet you in your dreams is wonderful, it's the perfect staging ground for the topics you're discussing (IMO), but then that last line makes me trip. Water turns to steam? That line slaps me in the face out of nowhere, and I can't see what it has to do with anything besides fulfilling the ABAB rhyme scheme. It completely destroyed anything I had going with the poem before that point. It just seems like you're going along saying what you mean until the next part of it won't fit with the rhyme and meter, so you set it aside for a line or two and add some asides about the scenery or the gravity of the moon, but they feel completely thematically unconnected to what you're trying to say... from my perspective at least. That's the downside of plowing through such a structured poem. But then it's your poem, and I could just be godawfully wrong and ignorant.

[Identity X]

Asking your apostrophe to meet you in your dreams is wonderful, it's the perfect staging ground for the topics you're discussing (IMO), but then that last line makes me trip. Water turns to steam? . Grrrr! I should have never written that line! I hate it I HATE IT. Every where I post that I apologise for it. Thanks for pointing it out again... I will try to fix it now. I've read your poem again with your stated objectives in mind... you've done it well. Perhaps I was too forceful in letting my personal style sway my opinion, I was a little too harsh. Now it's time to fix that line... grrrr! EDIT: Done now. This never happened, right?

[Spamtek]

Grrrr! I should have never written that line! I hate it I HATE IT. Every where I post that I apologise for it. Thanks for pointing it out again... I will try to fix it now. Where else do you post it? I've read your poem again with your stated objectives in mind... you've done it well. Perhaps I was too forceful in letting my personal style sway my opinion, I was a little too harsh. Now it's time to fix that line... grrrr! EDIT: Done now. This never happened, right? ^Roger wilco. Never happened. I was kind of hoping you'd stick to your position and we could start throwing poetrybombs at each other... like I could pummel you with Plath and cummings and you could start counterattacking with villanelles and heroic epics, and then we could transmogrify into our final forms and start shooting laser beams of pure concentrated lyricism and beboppery at each other. Oh well. I guess it's better for the children this way. Thanks, though. Well, I think I understood it at least. I'm not much of a poetry person, but I got what you were saying. This totally slipped under my radar on the last post. Thank you!

[Identity X]

Where else do you post it? Some place called "The Poets Sanctuary" - Google it if you wish - but it's kind of crap and it's a haunt for sycophants - you might not find much constructive criticism there. Regarding Plath etc., I don't read poetry, only write it (somwhat occasionally).