The Dreamer

[BillyBob]

Hey everyone, as I'm sure none of you know, I really really like the idea of writing stories and novels. The reason I prefer this over other forms of art is because writing offers so much more creativity and story building. With a picture one has to worry about getting every little detail right, with a written story your able to create things that are impossible to paint or draw. Anyway that said, I'm really not the best at writing (yet). Though I have improved 100 fold over the past year or two I'm still pretty bad when it comes down to it. So far I've gotten off critiquing myself, now I feel its time to let others tell me they're opinions. So without further ado, I present to you the first sub chapter of my story: "The dreamer" (I'll post more if I get any feedback at all {either good or bad} If I get no feedback then there would be no point in posting this :p) Be cruel and evil to me please. Be very honest, tell me exactly what your thinking. No pain no gain. __________________________________________________ The Dreamer (note: title will be changed eventually) 1 His breath shone a bright white in the morning sun. "Where am I now?" he asked aloud to the seemingly open expanse around him. Just as his words were beginning to be replaced by the silence of open spaces, a strong gust of wind rattled the tree under which he sat. "Don't you recognize this place John?" The man spun on his root and rock cushion, a ripping sensation tearing through his ass. "Ez?" He replied to the voice after fully collecting himself. "Show yourself or prepare to fight!". For one long moment he sat sternly staring at the spot the voice had come from. "Oh John, your much too dramatic. Tell me where we are and I'll come out." The man thought he heard a muffled giggle. Now seeming a bit more interested in this than he had before the man perked up: "Fine, hold on a second let me get my bearings". The man was sitting on a huge convex swell of earth, directly behind him he noticed that this shade-bearing tree was an unforeseen anomaly, not even so much as a bush could be seen for miles around. Surrounding This tree was a vast seemingly never ending grassland of the most perfect green. Completely innocent looking sunlight bathed the land in a golden glow. Curiously, there was no water to be found on this pristine landscape. "Oh my god", said the man as a tear began to form in his eye. "Ezra, how did you know?" he said this with a smile. There was neither a reply, nor any physical disturbances. A little embarrassed the man remembered her question, "Ok ok, you brought me to my favorite matte painting. 'The Grassland' by Stephen Cook". Another swoosh of wind lightly disturbed the branches above. In front of the man a twenty-something sky-blue haired female figure began to fade into existence. "Bingo," she said with a warm loving smile. The woman's eyes turned into baseballs, her eyebrows raised to an almost hysterical level as she started screaming: "BRRING! BRRING!, BRRING! BRRING!" John rolled out of bed and picked up the phone. ____________________________________ Much more to come if theres any interest. Crits please.

[Man of Steel]

Just to warn you: you asked for it. I like the basic premise, but you're right; it needs work. I think the best way to help here is to just go through the written piece and highlight the parts that need working on, so here goes. Parts in red are spelling or improper word corrections, brackets indicate what I feel would be better modifier choices or added punctuation, italicized parts indicate areas where it's hard to follow, superscripted numerals indicate where I've put footnotes: The Dreamer (note: title will be changed eventually) 1 His breath shone a bright white in the morning sun. "Where am I now?" he asked aloud to the seemingly open expanse around him. Just as his words were beginning to be replaced by the silence of open spaces,1 a strong gust of wind rattled the tree under which he sat. "Don't you recognize this place John?" The man spun on his root and rock cushion, a ripping sensation tearing through his ass2. "Ez?" He replied to the voice after fully collecting himself. "Show yourself or prepare to fight!". For one long moment he sat sternly staring at the spot the voice had come from. "Oh John, you're much too dramatic. Tell me where we are and I'll come out." The man thought he heard a muffled giggle. Now seeming a bit more interested in this than he had before[,] the man perked up: "Fine, hold on a second[,/.]3 let me get my bearings". The man was sitting on a huge convex swell of earth, directly behind him he noticed that this shade-bearing tree was an unforeseen anomaly, not even so much as a bush could be seen for miles around.4 Surrounding this tree was a vast[,] seemingly never[-]ending grassland of the most perfect green. Completely innocent[-]looking sunlight bathed the land in a golden glow. Curiously, there was no water to be found on this pristine landscape. "Oh my god," said the man as a tear began to form in his eye, "Ezra[,] how did you know?" He said this with a smile. There was neither a reply, nor any physical disturbance[s]. A little embarrassed[,] the man remembered her question, "Okay, okay, you brought me to my favorite matte painting. 'The Grassland' by Stephen Cook". Another swoosh of wind lightly disturbed[rustled?] the branches above. In front of the man a twenty-something sky[-]blue haired female figure[woman?]5 began to fade into existence. "Bingo[,]" she said with a warm loving smile. The woman[']s eyes turned into baseballs, her eyebrows raised to an almost[ ]hysterical level as she started screaming: "BRRING! BRRING!, BRRING! BRRING!" John rolled out of bed and picked up the phone. ***** Now, then: 1 This sentence is rather hard to read. It just doesn't flow. Perhaps, "Just as his words began to fade into the silence," or, "Just as the sound of his voice drifted off into the silence of the surrounding fields," or something similar would work better here. It is, of course, up to you, but it definitely needs cleaning up to be more coherent. 2 Not much here, but maybe another, more clinical choice of wording might fit the feeling better. 3 Either a comma; for a slight pause, or a period; for a longer pause, is needed here. 4 This is rather disjointed and incoherent, especially the middle part. It needs to be cleaned up with better word choice and/or creative use of semicolons. Possibly split it into two separate sentences. Maybe a more narrative sort of description might be used, such as: "The man was sitting on a huge convex swell of earth, at the foot of a large shade tree, which he noticed was a bit of an anomaly; not even so much as a bush could be seen for miles around." 5 This description could be a bit a bit simpler, I think. Instead of "female figure," maybe say simply, "woman". It provides the same information, but in a clearer manner, and fits better with the "twenty-something" part. I think the other parts I highlighted are pretty self-explanatory; I fixed the tense problems in the first paragraph, took care of a couple minor spelling and grammar errors, suggested the word "rustled" instead of "disturbed, as I think that it fits better with the modifier, "lightly," and added punctuation where needed(in brackets). Also, the first word after a spoken line does not need to be capitalized, usually. And the spoken line should be ended with a comma if it is to be continued later in the same sentence, or in fact if it is not an exclamation or question, I believe. Eg: "What a wonderful day it is," said John, thinking aloud, "I wish it were this way every day." Or, "What a wonderful day it is," said John, admiring the brilliant blue of the morning sky. "I wish it were this way every day." At least I'm fairly sure that's the proper way to do it. All in all; pretty good, but you should concentrate more on your word choice and sentence structure. The dialog is very good, and I especially like the way it quickly turns surreal at the end and the abrupt transition back into the real world. Keep up the good work, and post more!

[BillyBob]

Hey thanks a lot for the feedback. Its good to see its mostly just slight spelling/punctuation screw ups I'm not really that retarded, I just straight up wrote all of that and didn't re-read it but once (which doesn't do much if you just wrote it). I'll wait at least a day after writing my next to re-read and post it so you guys don't have to endure all those obvious spelling errors