Thread: Tell me about this thing called cheating.

Originally Posted by dodobird

I'm surprised that 100% of the posters were 100% against cheating.

The truth is almost never absolute.

I would never cheat, because it goes against my personality.
but other people, in some situations can find cheating a legitimate action.
For example:
1) when you found out your partner is cheating on you: before you confront the partner, you can cheat a little. This may have the advantage of being able to forgive your partner more easily.
2) when you are happily married for a long time, you can cheat on extremely rare occasions. For some people this will help them to keep the marriage going well.

I agree both of these examples are debatable and controversial, but like I said this is not as absolute wrongess as all of the posters seem to believe.

I definitely see what you are saying. But I also understand what everybody else is saying about how cheating destroys trust and causes great pain. That is very true. If a couple has an understanding that it is all about the two of them and that neither one can have sex with anybody else EVER, then when one of them has sex with somebody else, that trust has been violated. If the other one finds out, it can cause horrible pain, which the cheater took a gamble on creating. I agree with all of that. However, I also see where the cheaters are coming from. I think that expecting a person to have sex with just you and nobody else ever as long as the two of you are together is asking for something gigantic, and I would almost say that it is unrealistic to expect it. Again, I understand why people would expect it, but the will to have sexual variety, especially for men (due to nature's "spread the seed" principle) is so damn powerful that a person is almost defeating the forces of nature by adhering to monogamy. I don't really understand how anybody does it. Such an idea feels unnatural to me personally, but if others can be about it, then I can respect that. I have never led a woman to believe that she would be 100% it. I have told several women early on that I am not the commitment type and that I can't make any promises. Some of those situations turned into relationships where freedom was involved. In stating that I wanted my freedom, I of course in turn gave the women their freedom, and I never felt jealous over the idea of one of them sleeping with somebody else. I think sex and romance are two things that often go together but that they are not the same thing. A relationship with that perspective is the only kind I will have. I don't want to live a lie and end up hurting somebody. If I ever get married, which I probably won't, it will have to be an open marriage. I couldn't deal with anything else. Eternity is a very long time.

From that perspective, I can understand why committed people cheat. I think they are due a certain degree of understanding. Because the will for variety is so strong, I truly believe that in some cases, cheating can be good for a relationship. The will for deviation can build up to something so overwhelming that it destroys a relationship. That factor becomes especially serious with married couples who have kids. I adamantly believe that couples who have kids need to do everything in their power to stay together and raise the kids together, unless there is abuse or something. If they just absolutely have to fight, they need to get the Hell away from the kids to do it. They need to hold on with everything they have to keep the marriage together so the kids can have both parents raising them. Occasional cheating, done with extreme caution so the spouse/mate doesn't find out, can relieve a great deal of the tension that comes with the very rigid state of being committed to one person. That tension can cause a great deal of stress, which turns into resentment and hostility. Cheating, even just once in a while or for short phases, can mop that up extremely well. I have seen the evidence that it does in some cases.

I know people who have been in very long relationships who cheated sometimes and swore that their relationships would become much more upbeat and positive every time they did it. The ball on the chain doesn't seem so weighted to the ground afterwards. There is increased relaxation and decreased claustrophobia that results. I can completely see how that would be the case, and I have seen the positive reactions that result. A lot of relationships would not make it very long if cheating were not involved. But that is only when it is done by people who know how to pull it off without raising any suspicion. The result of getting found out is emotional devastation of somebody innocent and very likely a really nasty ending of the relationship, which could be a divorce that puts children through total Hell. That is why if a relationship is dependant on occasional cheating, it has to be done with supercaution.

My point is that I see the pros and cons. I myself don't ever get committed enough to do what could be called cheating. I don't want to be dishonest or untrustworthy. But I also see how there are certain pros involved when a committed person does cheat. I am just explaining what I honestly believe are facts people should consider. And very importantly, if any of you get cheated on in the future, your anger and devastation are understandable, but don't jump to the conclusion that the cheating is total proof that your mate doesn't love you. It is not proof of that. It is only proof that the person caved in to a very powerful force of nature. I think understanding that can take away at least some, and maybe a lot, of the pain of finding out your partner has cheated on you. It seems that it would help on at least some level.