non-lucid

Usually in my dreams I can breathe underwater as if it were air, and nothing ever seems strange about that. Well, this morning, after waking up around 4:15 AM, I fell back asleep around 4:30 AM and had a dream in which I was underwater, fighting (kicking) some sort of jellyfish with a horn on its head. But, at some point, I realized that it should be impossible to breathe underwater, and so I began to drown. I became completely paralyzed, numb, and limp, and slowly floated up toward the bright surface. Before I reached the top, though, all had faded to black, and I woke up, just ten minutes after I had fallen asleep, holding my breath.

The last time I remember having trouble breathing in my dream I woke up face down on my pillow.

Do you ever have trouble breathing in your dreams?

I woke up this morning, but soon fell back asleep and had a false awakening from the real world to a dream. Within the dream I was on the top bunk in my and my brother's old room at my parent's house. I then attempted to WILD within the dream, in my bed, and managed to feel all the sensations of attempting to wild - the fading away to darkness, the static tingling, the occasional random noise. I continued to attempt to WILD several times, each time fading back to [dream] reality, just like it happens when I'm awake.

Eventually I decided to try something different, and so I tried to WILD while walking around the room! (At some point this translated to me walking around the front yard, which had somehow become a redwood forest.) I thought maybe physical walking would translate to walking within a lucid dream. But each attempt never quite worked out, so I went back inside and decided to try cramming myself in the corner under the bed to try that way. It was stuffy and hard to breathe. (It has been a long time since I felt stuffy in a dream.) I curled up in a ball, closed my eyes, and tried to WILD while imagining myself walking this time. This was even less successful, probably because I was distracted by difficulty breathing, but eventually also because I heard noises.

I got out from under the bed to see the Blue Princess and her guardian passing by. I asked what they were doing. They were casually evading their enemies so they can avoid a confrontation, unlike the Green Princess who's guardian was desperately defending her at the time. I thought for sure she was the Princess of Water, but the Blue Princess ensured me that she was the Princess of Wheat.

The princess and her cowardly guardian fled, and then the enemies arrived- Some really muscular man, and Knuckles the Echidna. I started throwing stuff at them, stuff like lamp posts and metal drums. No idea where I found all that stuff in my small bedroom. They started throwing stuff back at me. And eventually we were having such great fun that we searched around until we found some water guns and then had a water gun fight.

So it has been almost two months since my second brief experience with lucidity. Perhaps because I moved to a new place and now sleep in a new bed with new noises and a new schedule, I've hardly been able to "drift" at all, to drift into that floating, buzzing sensation in the void, at the WILD gate to lucid dreaming.

But a week ago I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in a while. Perhaps this was a sign that transitional states of awareness were becoming possible again. And now I have fallen back into the old sleep pattern of waking up several times throughout the night. It has been a familiar friend since childhood, but it only comes in phases.

Since then I have again experienced the "drifting" sensations a few times, but never leading to actual sleep.

Last night, however, was of note because of the different-than-usual drifting experiences. I was waking up all through the night, my dream thoughts carrying over into my waking thoughts, a continuous stream of thought carried by a discontinuous state of consciousness. Every waking period I would have racing thoughts and vivid visions, some pertaining to my actual life and goals, some completely awesome works of the imagination. In this state I even thought up a few new musical compositions in record time and was quite pleased with them.

I actually drifted a few times as I attempted to consciously fall asleep. Usually this lead to a clear tingling sensation as I was suspended in a refined blackness. But this night I was constantly barraged by an onslaught of visions and thoughts during every drifting experience. At no point was I not fully thinking and envisioning lots of things. At no point was there blackness or anything remotely resembling emptiness. The visions were sufficient to distract me from my usual problems- breathing bothering me, or being consciously excited by the drifting. But I still was subconsciously excited by the drifting, to the point that I would be breathing heavily, heart pounding, for "no reason", and I would be snapped back into full wakefulness, but barely noticing that because the whole process was in the back of the mind while in the foreground I studied the visions and thoughts being played, none lasting for long before the next took its place, like a reel of movies on super-fast-forward. Occasionally I would think, "Maybe I'm actually dreaming now? This does seem a lot like a dream, and hardly like the reality I usually experience, yet nothing here is inconceivable for one of my psychology. I guess it's time for a reality check." And every reality check (trying to breathe while pinching my nose) would reveal that I was, indeed, awake.

While the continuous stream of visions is fascinating, I find the most interesting point to be how I was still barred from achieving a WILD because the drifting experience was too exciting for me to fall asleep, even though I was not being consciously exciting, only noticing the symptoms of that excitement (heavy breathing, heart pounding).

Today has also been strange. I feel as if I haven't fully awakened. Sometimes I perceive reality, but I do not perceive reality as being reality. Also, my mind is running faster and further than it usually does. Strange how that works.

So... interesting experiences. Perhaps I have more hope of DILDing than WILDing.

Regardless,
To the future we go!

-[arcticfennec]