joeseph

it's been awhile since i woke up, so idk how much i can remember of this

last night i found myself in a position of endless searching. i was in a room, or a level of some sort, trying to collect all of the boxes. fucking crash bandicoot. it's no wonder those games appeal so much to me; i have to find EVERY box and collect it. except this need switched to my tangible human life. i was going up and down different tiers of a structure, noting all the boxes (which are now merged with possessions that i once owned) and their location, spinning through this mucky lava substance. i stepped through a teleporter, saw a box that i couldn't get, and made note of it for later. at some point later i was in my human body, searching through all of the things that i own or that i've ever owned. i was searching, searching, and i couldn't find all of the things i needed to work. Robert was waiting on me; i asked if mallory could pick up my shift. that was a possibility, but it ended up not working out. austin (my roommate) comes around and helps me sort through all the things. more prevalent images of my things being buried underground, under a bed, dirty, hidden under things. i wondered if i would have to go through all of this shit and throw it all away. maybe that's the only way out. austin starts searching for the thing that i need, the one piece that will make it so i can finally get under way. he looks and confirms that it is, indeed, well-hidden.

clutter everywhere. the dream ends with no resolution and i am still pissed off.

i recently had a prospective relationship that didn't work out, and i can't help but wonder if it was something about my attitude that stopped it. i'm too worried or OCD about piecing everything fully together. there are some things that it feels like i absolutely cannot move on without. and i'm not really sure what that thing is right now. something from the past? some emotional baggage buried deep down? a childhood that i never really felt entitled to enjoy? carefree abandon? it's driving me mad. i wonder if it's the searching that's getting in the way of finding.... continually looking for something else or something "perfect" that makes all else i achieve in life feel worthless or like a dead end, since it feels like it never measures up.

UGH. in the meantime, here i am, awake and alive, and determined to do something with myself (whatever it may be)