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My last entry was a little pitiful but I am moving forward from it. I haven't slept well the last few nights. I keep waking up feeling like I have drank ten shots of coffee. I just lay awake, but unable to focus. I have had small, VERY small, clips of dreams however.

I am gliding along water.
I found this dream to be the best I have had as of late. I do not know if it is the same as flying but it is what I would imagine it to be like now.

That is all I am going to add for now because everything else is too fragmented and interrupted for me to remember, no matter how hard I try.

I haven't been on in a while due to night terrors and other problems due to my epilepsy getting in the way but I am here now, and I feel like I want to do this more than ever. I started this process because of my night terrors and now they are back with a vengeance and I wish I knew the reason. I could make a few guesses but I really think none of them would suffice.

I dreamt of a a girl (that I don't remember remembering) being raped.
I dreamt that I literally blew up my cousin. She used to be my best friend and I seemed to be happy about it in this dream. It may sound stupid in writing but sadly (and pathetically) it isn't.
I dreamt of my brothers death.
I dreamt that I was crying and crying and running and crying and couldn't escape whatever was chasing me.


I started this to escape this dreams where I ran. Not only that but also to maybe escape the boredom of my life and the sadness i felt. As these nightmares hit me with a new, and almost fresh, sting I can't help feeling helpless. Since I don't seem to be getting any better at what I am doing. I hope that this changes. and that I don't lose hope. And that I can defeat this thing devouring me every night.

As i type this and I know no one will read it I feel comfortable with that. I never really felt like anyone heard my call in the first place. But I will be fine.

I think I may have been able to accomplish something last night, even if it was very little compared to the eventual goal.

I dreamt I was at a party in the woods. I was at my grandmothers house I believe. But instead of there being a road behind us like in reality, there is a dense forest with paths. At this party there is tiny plastic cups. Like those at an overpriced function for a band or an art show. My regular friends are there but there is also a young man from my high school and his girlfriend (or escort) that I recently saw at the bar I work at. (This is the first thing I noticed in my dream as abnormal.) "What is he doing at my grandmother's house?" I thought to myself. So, I walked away. (This was the first time in the night that I walked away from the party realizing it was not real, but this first time I am not sure it was by pure choice or just another part of my dream.)
Anyways, I pop right back into the party. I don't know how i get here, but here i am. Drinking out of tiny cups, watching a mostly stranger flirt with a complete stranger in the corner of my grandma's house. Matt, my friend, hands my a "special concoction" drink. From what I can remember, and what I wrote down in my dream journal that night, it is a mixture between vanilla vodka, beer, and whisky. (The third ingredient is a little fuzzy to me) but I add a little more vanilla vodka and chug it. My cup seems to get smaller, and once again I know this is a dream. It is at this moment that CHOOSE to get up and walk away from that part and into the woods. Mostly, because I didn't know what else to do. I put choose in caps because it is important to know this is the very first time I have ever chosen to do anything in a dream. The other people in my dream get angry and yell to come back but I continue to walk. Sadly, I can tell that it won't last. I feel fuzzy, translucent may be the best word for it. I pop back in to the part.
Everyone is drunk. Matt is now stealing drinks while no one is looking. I walk from the party again and....
I wake up.


Too bad, but it's is something. I thought I had lost hope. But even this small accomplishment is something to hold on to.