lucid

Saturday, October 1st 2011.
First off let me say this is one of the most fucked up dreams I have ever had. The absolute logic of the dream is probably what scared me the most, the fact that even awake I cannot find an explanation is terrifying to me. Ok, now to the dream.

This dream started with me waking up in a house that I knew was my house but had never seen before. I stretched out and yawned, then instinctively went to the bathroom to piss. I remember thinking to myself that it was odd that I knew where the bathroom was when I had never been to the house before. I kind of had this weird time skip thing where I opened the bathroom door and stepped outside into the dark yard of the house. There were wrecked cars and I realized that it was a trailer park.

There were people standing around a bonfire drinking beer and hard alcohol in red cups. There was music playing and I heard it playing but I did not know what it was. Suddenly I heard a cough and jumped a little as I noticed the guy standing right next to me. "It's kind of weird how that works out isn't it?" He said, the guy was my good friend Keith "Yea" I responded continuing the conversation that I could tell had been going on between us for several minutes, I had been talking though unaware of it. I remembered that we were talking about people with mental retardation and mental disabilities. I looked up at the sky and was pleasantly surprised by the number of stars. I turned back to Keith who was gone and instead I was now talking to my friend Tyler. "Yea Jake has Ike, and Keith has you" He said as if he had been talking to me the whole time.

Let me explain this a little bit. Jake is one of my friends who has a brother with down syndrome, Ike. In previous dreams I have dreamed that Keith is my brother. So when Tyler said that Keith had me, He was comparing me to Ike. This was the point in the dream where I started to get scared and freaked out. Back to the dream.

I started to get a head rush and felt really dizzy. I knew that I had to sit down, I rubbed my eyes trying to ignore the buzzing in my head. When I pulled my hands away I was standing in the living room of the house. I sat on the couch behind me. A man came walking down the hall with a fat cigar in his mouth, he was my brother. I had never seen him before but I knew that he was my brother. "Wheres yours?" he said taking a long pull of his cigar. I reached into my pocket and found a pack black and mild cigars. I pulled one out and searched for a lighter that I could not find. "Here" Said another man who was sitting in a chair next to me. This man I also knew was my brother, he held out a lighter for me to light up.

Something seemed incredibly familiar about this moment and I suddenly asked out of nowhere "Has this happened before?". My two brothers exchanged looks. The older of the two, and the one standing, responded "Yea, you keep breaking through and relapsing". At that moment A flood of thoughts overwhelmed my brain and I remembered that this same exact situation had happened before. Another thought that stood out was this knowledge that I had a mental disability that caused me to forget almost everything. I picked up a mini corn dog off a plate on the table and dipped it in some mustard before taking a bite.

A door opened and a woman came in. I had this spike of emotion when I saw her, it was my mother (not my real mother, I'd never seen this woman before). She started to tear up as she walked towards me. This was too much for me to handle and I shouted "Stop! I cant handle this! Give me a second!". She stopped and I saw her lips quivering as she bit them to prevent herself from crying. Everything seemed to freeze except for me at this point. I took some pulls off my cigar and just tried to digest everything that was happening.

I said something that I didn't understand and suddenly my mom came over, hugged me, and cried into my shoulder. "Dont overwhelm him or he'll forget again" My younger brother said "We need to take it slow or it'll be a relapse just like last time." Then I was alone sitting on the edge of my bed in my boxers twiddling my thumbs and staring off into space. I was thinking, about what I have no idea but it was an extremely intense moment even though nothing was happening. If I sleep I'll forget I thought to myself. Suddenly I was fighting with my eyelids trying to stay awake. After a moment I could not resist and I fell back and went to sleep.

Then I woke up.
Why does this dream frighten me so much?
Because it could be true. I could have a mental disability that causes me to forget everything. I could live in that trailer park, in that trailer with 2 brothers and my mom. Everything seemed so real and familiar it was terrifying.

Ok, I'm starting this journal to keep track of my dreams. (what a surprise!)
Lately I've been having trouble determining if I am awake or in a dream. So in hopes of being able to better decipher what is real and what is not I'm starting this log.