Rushininabox

I had too much recall on exactly what happened in the dream. Kind of scares me. I wrote down everything I could remember, conversations and all. I apologize for all the grammatical and spelling errors but I was going crazy with the typing since I just woke up and had to write it down quickly. I do not feel like correcting it tbh.

Begin dreaming.....now:

I don’t know how I got here. There wasn’t anything wrong though, my family and old friends were there. They were happy and I was happy. There was flirting going on between me and the woman I always thought had an honest heart, and she does.I chat with her online, seperated by only a wall it was our only way of communicating. For a while we enjoy ourselves and it becomes apparent to our families that were are happy together. Although we haven’t told anyone, even ourselves, that we are dating the relationship develops to the point of becoming an “unregistered” couple. Our makes take down the wall and we live together. The house is nice, I have an old fasion balcony, you know? One of those you see on an apartment in France. There is a small jacuzzi pool that is always dimly lit. It is in a rather dark room but seems kind due to the patio right outside. You would never believe me but you can see the world from here. It feels like your heart has embraced the air and towers the skies, it is such a beautiful cliff. The water is just as beautiful as the sky it sits below. The clean blue runs on till the sky and ocean touch. Scattered around this majestic blue are rocks large flat rocks that don’t upset the surface. Like a bruise that doesn’t cause any pain. It adds an important imperfection the the ocean. I can sit there night and day wondering what it feels like to be so utterly……. Simple. No worries, just the waves, the warmth of the sun kissing my skin and the sounds of bthe birds calling while passing above. But I am not the ocean so I must leave for now. I am a person and so are all you. We have secrets, desires and pain. Mine wasn’t too far away.

As I left the edge of the cliff I felt heavy. My mind was in a haze and my heart felt wrong. There was no reason why… my soul just wanted to cry. For now I just needed to think of happy times, current times, to releive me of this burden. Soon I found her, my lovers mother, acting strangely. She was trying to take me away from my lover…..something was wrong. This burden only grew stronger everyday. The world was taking the ones close to me and turning them inside out, revealing the the lies we all hide. The heart that bore the burden grew weaker, I cannot describe the event of days passed since it was all a dream to me. I just know like the hanged man I was between to realities. I had reality a where everyone was normal and the other place where there were a bunch of mannequins claiming to be my reality. I didn’t know what to chose. I didn’t care anymore. There was no reality, nothing had value. There was just fear.

Today I took a trip outside with my “family”. My camera was on hand so I decided to take pictures. Since I didn’t want to spend time with my “family” I headed out to the back of the house. It was here that I was stuck for hours. Fear had immobilized me. Where is this fear? How is it doing this? My eyes searched and my heart searched and I knew… well I could feel it. This made no sense. I felt it coming from the woods as though something was threatening me, telling me to leave. Whatever it was filled me with fear. I broke. I couldn’t help but look and feel so small. If it came after me I would be like like a bush caught in a brush fire. It would consume and leave nothing. My hands move without me tellnig them and look through the lense. My fears are only intesified. Why do I want to look closer? I want to crumble. Please let me disappear. I sound so hopeless and weak.




“….It’s because you are weak. That is what I seek”
Am I weak?
No, I am not weak
Fear is my weakness
Fear is not my own. It is not MY weakness
“… the weakness that you cannot see are those which prove to be the most scary….”
So how can I move forward?
Fear has shackled me
My mind and my body are stuck
I cannot see you or touch you but you have stolen my body and mind
“…fear is yours to alone. It isn’t anyones to own. You must share it even if you think it is wrong”

The world is moving closer to me. My fear is moving away.
I feel it free me. On my shoulder. I see it telling me everything is alright, even though it doesn’t know what I’ve been feeling. It’s a hand. My lovers hand. I look away from the woods and I bearthe. I still feel it behind me looming. But when I look at her I feel it collapsing, all of my fear built up….it’s just crumbling.
That reality… it wasn’t real, was it? I just told myself it was. It was easier to give in. To sever my commitments, my relationships. It was easier to fear.

I always think about it when I sit by the cliff. I always feel it, alive and waiting. Life should be so simple and beautiful as the ocean the lies before me. But maybe it is just like me. The ocean can be calm, warm and predictable but it can also create fear for days or minutes. I don’t know.

It wasn’t long after that I slipped. For just a moment. I was leaving for good. Heading outside I stood by the jacuzzi and looked out at the world. It was then I SAW it. In the bubbling water next to me. The pale, fleshy, dead mannequins reaching for me. They got me. My body now submerged I struggle… I feel the blistering heat. I cannot breathe. The heat is too great.

I am stronger
You are not that man anymore
You are loved
You love
You have always been strong
Your only weakness was not knowing how to use it
Just be happy
Be the person you deserve to be
Love you memories
Now go and make new ones…

I am free. As I glide across the room I know it can’t be… I see the smiling faces all ready to leave… as I get close we all fade away.

End dreaming

That is of course when I woke up.