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Man, I just alway's having nightmares. They haunt me thru the day.....I am so sick of these psych med's. The root cause and I know I have alot of negitivity coming from me but, UGH! it's so hard to accept that you have a disrder that in itself is so challenging. I guess you can call it my own little cancer. Man, I have dream's of my step mom that died of cancer. I just absorb it all like I wonder what does it mean when I know it doesn't mean anything....I just gather all this info and ruminate over and over....UGH! I'm ready for this dream to end!

Yesterday, I smoked weed....I have Cannabis Psychosis. To where if I smoke weed I go nut's for like a hour.....So I felt detached from the world. I was ashamed of who I am....I felt I waas standing before God the Father at the Judgment and all I was thinking was I'm going to burn in hell forever. Suffer forever and there will be no escaping it. I can't think of anything more scarier then standing before a unseen God and your being judged because you chose to live a life to yourself instead of to God and, accepting the precious gift of eternal life...That is Jesus Christ....So today I talked to my dad. He broke my heart because he is in so much pain.....He lost his wife a year ago and he let's out all his problems on me which I don't think he notices he's doing it and, I don't blame him bu8t he and I need a therapist that deal's with pint up rage and feeling's that we have held in. Then I guy I new from like ten year's ago comes to my house out of no where and say's he's looking for this other guy I knew that stole thousands of dollars worth the stuff....I don't want to snitch but, it's shady that you steal from someone who died and the stuff you stole didn't even belong to that guy let alone yourself.....I have had a hard day...mixed feeling's....Confusing dream's and just trying to cope with everything I deal with!