memorable

Saturday, July 23rd

I. Fragment – Campus Pole Jumping

Early in the night I dreamt something about walking around my campus with S.A and somebody else. I had invented a game where I would locate places where there were traffic poles close together and jump from one to the other.

II. I Don’t Even Know What to Call This One…

I believe the premise of the dream is that the world is ending. Once you get onto a main road you are blasted by gusts of wind, sandstorms, and giant mobs. Cars, busses, and pedestrians battle their way through the chaos. The dream takes place in Wilmington, I can tell because at the end I am trying to get to the beach. Mankind, or at least the entire Wilmington population, is reacting to the world’s end by having a constant party. Almost everywhere I go in the dream I encounter large crowds of belligerents.

The first thing I remember in the dream is being at somebody else’s house. Something very odd is happening with a rather futuristic looking stereo. All of a sudden S.R shows up. When I see her I have something bulky in my hands, maybe a guitar, so I do not give her a proper hug. She tells me that I look sexy?

I’m not sure exactly where this happens in the dream but I’ll put it here. We are standing on a pier that drops at least 30 feet into the ocean. I look up and see K.S driving a large blue pickup truck with stripes on it, laughing, directly at me and gaining speed. As it’s about to hit me I leap up onto the hood, which K.S says is the “right thing to do.” However, instead of stopping he speeds right through the railing at the edge of the pier and plunges into the ocean. I end up sitting on the bottom and narrowly avoid being crushed by the truck’s body. A few moments later I have to dodge a tire as well. I start to swim for the surface, taking long even strokes to try and conserve my energy. I can breathe underwater so this is unnecessary but this doesn’t quite register to me. I reach the surface and somehow K.S and I end up back on the pier. We are talking about what just happened and S.R cuddles me as I lie down on the wooden planks. She has been in the water too for some reason, her hair is wet.

There’s another scene that I can’t place on a timeline or even remember that well. We are standing on some flimsy wooden structure looking at a torrent of water below. Some prank is being pulled on somebody and there’s a humorous tone but I suddenly see a figure with a ghost-like presence. It is a black woman dressed in colonial period clothing with a large basket looking very grim. I turn and walk away from the place saying “I don’t like it here. This is a bad place.” Whoever is with me asks what I mean and I say “It’s a bad place in history.” (Moving to the South to go to college, this is a vibe I get from a lot of places.)

A short while later I am indoors somewhere and on a large television screen watching a replay of some other person going through the same thing I did. Apparently all these are filmed for a show. The person I’m watching, though, isn’t so lucky. He is tagged head on by the truck and both of them go careening over the side.

S.R and I walk around outside for a time observing the ubiquitous ongoing partying and eventually we get back to my house. However it’s not the same at all. It is very large and furnished nicely inside. I believe there may be an extra floor to the house as well. As I climb the stairs to my room there are people standing in the hallway, evidently guarding my door. By the time I open my door I am curious and somewhat worried as to what’s going on inside.

I find two people on my bed. One of them is P.S, the other is a dude who I believe I know but can’t remember now. I am silent for a moment, then point at P.S and exclaim “Okay…that is fucked up.” I start making a whole bunch of quips at them, all of which revolve around the fact that I want them out, immediately. For some reason they just sit there for awhile (P.S at one point says “I’m shy about this kind of stuff” “No you’re obviously not!” I answer). Finally they leave and from downstairs I hear S.B say “Were you doing something messed up?” A.L (her boyfriend) yells “No she wasn’t!” in some kind of denial. I shout down the stairs that she indeed was and I’ve just witnessed it. However I finally have my room to myself with S.R now so I retire there.

But, when I shut the door again there are 2 more people in the room and they refuse to leave no matter what I say. I’m being somewhat nice about it but I’m still becoming irritated. I finally abandon the situation and go downstairs to talk to my roommates. On the way back down the stairs I see P.S standing there, and without stopping I quickly mutter "That'sfuckedup" again and keep going by.

I get to the kitchen, which has large windows that are letting in lots of sunlight and nice cabinets with a granite countertop in the middle of the kitchen floor. A.L tells me that they’ve just won a bunch of games of beer pong, and as he does this his face undergoes noticeable, strange distortions and briefly changes color. He's upset about many things, I know, and I can certainly relate. However, at this point I become very obnoxious. “WOW!” I yell, annoyingly sarcastic and contemptuous, “These guys just won! They threw a ball in a cup and drank a whole lot of BEER! They DRANK A LOT!!!” S.B motions to me and tells me to quiet down and I say “It’s okay S.B, we’re DREAMING!” (This is the weird part, I hadn’t been aware that I knew that. I had no moment of realization, no slamming into my head, all of a sudden I just knew it. The dream was amazingly vivid throughout in either case.) S.B says “ohhh” and suddenly he looks extremely solemn. I look over at A.L to see if he is reacting the same way but I wake up.

I fall back into the same dream not too long after.

It is now night time, I am in my backyard with my dad. I've lost lucidity. My mom has uncharacteristically joined the ongoing party. S.B and R.M are tripping acid. S.R is gone. My dad is sitting and looking very unhappy. I finally approach him and ask him if he wants to go to the beach. At first he declines but then decides he might as well join. I go into the house and start making preparations. S.B asks if he and R.M can go. I am reluctant because my dad is with me and they’re tripping, but I accept anyway (I know how much fun tripping on the beach is.)

As we are leaving there is a conversation going on about some movie poster that is hanging on the wall at the bottom of the stairs. The movie it advertises does not exist, nor do any of the people in it. However, B.R is giving a rather detailed and lengthy explanation of that group, apparently it’s a famous group that makes a lot of movies together. I wish I could remember anything he said because the ideas seemed good, I just didn’t realize until I woke up that it was all unconsciously made up by me.

When the whole crowd is ready it is again daytime. This part is difficult to explain. We will have to take a golf cart to the beach and we will also need a tail gunner. There is a large elderly mob on the street that apparently will swallow us up if we try to drive anywhere unguarded. I take charge of the situation. “You two,” I say to our two psychonauts, “get in the back and don’t say a fucking word.” They get in a little compartment in the back of the cart. “M.C.C,” I say to her, who is suddenly now with us, “make yourself comfortable.” She takes the front passenger seat. I am driving the cart, however I am sitting behind her as I do this. The seating position ends up making no sense. The tail gunner, who I have to assume is my dad, somehow ends up behind the backseat. Oh well.

We have it timed out that he will start firing as soon as I hit the gas and leave the driveway. I see the group in the street, they are marching in formation wearing purple robes. I finally peel out and start driving as fast as the cart will go (which is not very fast) and dad starts mowing all the people behind us down. However, this is not the only mob of people nor the only obstacle to be encountered.

We come to the intersection of the busy road and see the ridiculous, anarchistic scene described at the beginning of this entry. I am trying to take a right turn but there are so many cars and people coming that we must sit there for quite awhile before I speed out into the road. Every once in awhile we are blasted by sand and wind and I must constantly dodge cars and people in the golf cart.

The last thing I remember before I wake up is that I have found a straight, paved strip of pavement down the middle of the street. I stick to that and speed forward. On my left there are huge busses passing by with passengers that I intuitively know have come from the beach. There are various warnings running in electronic letters across the bodies of the busses. They say to turn back now and avoid the suffering that I am sure to encounter. I wake up, wishing we could have made it to the beach and seen whatever was going on there.

If you've read this entire thing, which I don't see why you would, you've just seen the most recall I've ever had from a single dream.

Thursday, July 7th

I. First Actual Experience With Vibration State

Went to bed 11:30, woke up at 5 trying to do a regular WBTB. I decided to do something I wouldn’t want to deal with when I woke up. I cleaned the kitchen. This took about a half hour. My goal was to fall back asleep normally. I stayed awake too long and/or got too much light for that.

I tried lying still for awhile but was feeling exactly the same after another half hour. After relaxing thoroughly I lay back down and closed my eyes to listen to music and wait for morning.

Music helped me let go a lot more than binaural beats or even silence. First of all I didn’t have to wear headphones, and second I have found every binaural beat I’ve ever listened to extremely creepy. If it’s completely silent then I am distracted by even the tiniest noises. Music worked perfectly, however it may have prevented me from falling asleep later.

While listening I began meditating briefly on each chakra point. After this I did something with my breath where on the inhale I thought of a ball of energy forming at the root chakra and on exhale I thought of this ball shooting up my spinal chord, through every chakra point and out of the top of my head.

I did this only three times and suddenly an actual beam of energy came shooting into my head. This was quite surprising but then I remembered this was actually something I was inadvertently trying to do to myself. I have experienced what I thought was sleep paralysis one time, it was incredibly uncomfortable and I felt like I had stopped breathing, but this was different. This felt like electricity, and it spread out of my head to the rest of my body. It was altogether very pleasant but also quite powerful. Staying relaxed as best as I could, I continued the breathing thing.

The room that I’m sleeping in formed on my closed eyelids as if I was seeing through them. I engaged the vision but this caused my physical eyes to open – and they then became a problem through the rest of this attempt. It was then past 6 a.m and despite there being a blanket on my window there was still enough light coming into the room that it took effort for me to keep my eyes from opening up. I decided I was going to have to move.

I grabbed a shirt, put it over my eyes and lay down. I could still feel my body literally buzzing. The vibrations weren’t hard to get to come back. I wasn’t able to leave my body or form a dream image from this state because of either my eyes, the music or both.

However, some other things happened. At one point, (it could possibly have been the music but) I distinctly heard a voice say something to me in a loud whisper I couldn’t understand. I could still identify the voice as somebody who is in the downstairs of this place sleeping right now. I heard it right near the door, but knew at the time not to acknowledge it. I also felt my body fall asleep a little bit later, experiencing a sleep paralysis that was much nicer than the first one I brought on months ago. Feeling my eyes roll back into my head was peculiar.

They wouldn’t stop moving around and I really could not shift my focus away enough to get anywhere past the vibration state, so I lay there for another hour or so just feeling like a charging battery. It is now 8:40 a.m and I feel like a charged battery.

Wednesday, June 22nd

I. “Scared of Doing”

This dream takes place in another unfamiliar location. What really stands out to me about this one is the fact that I am coherently reading music off of a sheet of paper. The lines make sense and everything, meaning that this is a composition that occurred inside my head without my conscious effort. The strange thing is, in the dream it is Joe Chambers (who I am incredibly fortunate to be studying with) that wrote this tune. Unfortunately I can’t remember it, only that the changes are similar to Charlie Parker’s “Donna Lee.” I am trying to solo over it on a piano, and while I cannot follow the chord tones of the II-V’s very well (I’m not a piano player so that’s not surprising) I am playing stuff in F minor over mostly the whole thing (Donna Lee starts off in Ab Major so this is actually plausible) and that works over a lot of it. My part is a harmony part; the part Joe is playing is the melody. T.S is sitting behind me and has my same part.

I think the task in the dream is that everybody present in the room has to try and play over it. After I’m done, K.M (somebody I have not talked to, come into contact with or even thought about in at least 4 years) comes up to me and asks how soloing over changes works. I don’t remember my explanation but it seems inadequate. M.B is sitting next to me, and turns to me and says “You know what it is? I think she is scared of doing.” I'm not sure whether or not I understand the meaning of that.

The end of the dream is J, a classical vocal major, trying to do the same thing and having a huge amount of trouble. She very quickly becomes frustrated and lets out a whole string of ‘fuck this’s and ‘fuck that’s.

Friday, June 17th

I. “Koresh”

It is difficult to tell if in this dream I am a person or an omniscient perspective. Only one time that I remember does somebody talk and seem like they are addressing me. The setting of the dream is that I am inside David Koresh’s Waco compound. Upon entering I see a bearded white man dressed in white robes like the Anglo-Saxon “Jesus.” He is motioning wordlessly and looks rather odd. I think for a moment that this is David Koresh, but I soon find out that there is a man in the corner of the room, naked and in a 69-type position with another man who is sucking him off. He is a bit chubby and balding – it turns out that this man is in fact Koresh. Memory of the dream is extremely spotty, but I believe that this dream taking place during some sort of upheaval in the compound, either the beginnings of a rebellion or the beginnings of the siege by the ATF. Aside from this first rather odd scene I have two other memories of this dream:

There is a young boy speaking out against Koresh’s teachings. I remember nothing specifically except at one point he seems to be talking to me with a wide enlightened smile saying “we can’t go to hell!” Koresh comes up unexpectedly behind him and asks “Who’s not going to hell?” The boy is lost for words and before he can even speak Koresh does something that looks like he’s casting some sort of spell. He curls the fingers of one hand inward and then flicks them out at the boy like one might do with droplets of water. The boy falls to the ground motionless.

At another point, I cannot definitively say if it was earlier or later, Koresh and another member of the cult are testing walkie-talkies. He walks down a hallway, and the other man says through the line “is it safe?” Listening closely to something, perhaps the static on the line, Koresh thinks for a moment and then says “no, it’s not safe.” He begins walking around trying to find a device that is interfering with the signal or perhaps taping the conversation and he does indeed find something. There is another walkie-talkie taped to a wall, with a chord plugged into it that runs into what I can only guess is some type of battery operated recording device. He triumphantly tears it off the wall. There is a young girl nearby watching this, who has been in that spot awhile and would have seen somebody plant the bug. I remember predicting in my head that Koresh is about to sneak up to the girl, play real nice, and ask if she’d seen anybody do so. I worry a bit for her safety, especially as I remember what I have heard about what Koresh allegedly did with young girls in his compound. I do not remember if he actually did what I predicted though. End of recall.

Wednesday, June 15th

III. Lucid #9: “An Experimental Experiment”

Unknown locale and situation bring me to this point. Memory picks up as I suddenly find myself left alone with A.D. It is quite dark in the room but I can still see. She gives me the smile I haven’t seen in years, we both lean in and begin kissing. The feeling is vividly familiar, I feel a rush and as she thrusts her waist against me I come almost instantly. The orgasm in the dream is very intense. Suddenly her shirt is off and I can see that my sticky fluid has gotten on her chest. I start thinking about what to do about that and hoping she won’t notice that I’ve blown it this early. To my surprise she begins telling me how sexy she thinks cum and blood and snot are; how she wants to be covered in it. She talks to me more vulgar than she ever did when we were together in physical reality, telling me to fuck the shit out of her etc over and over again. She puts my penis between her breasts, expecting me to do something rough. Surprised and upset, I stop what I’m doing and almost begin crying; there is none of the love and tenderness there used to be, only a nymphomaniac type hunger for obscene sexual gratification. She responds to this by walking over to another man who is suddenly now in the room and fellating him emphatically. I don’t feel particularly jealous, only slightly awkward about being in my first threesome and it being with another man, and it being with my ex lover. She cares nothing for this. She briefly knocks our dicks together and begins walking away.

I find myself and the unknown man following her through some woods, with many broken down amusement park rides randomly scattered in the trees. She tells me that we’re going to go “walk on the rides.” I see she now has some shorts on and I am still naked. Unknown voices soon begin telling me how this is an “experimental experiment” to get herself alone with me. However as we come to the bottom of a hill, Batman and Robin come dashing out from behind something and I run from them on sight. A more menacing voice tells me that this is actually an “experimental experiment” to get me to leave, which I do.

Next I remember I find my way back to a large room filled with bleachers of different species of humanoid spectators with many different colors of flesh and facial features. Everybody seems afraid, suddenly A.D comes running back in and throws herself into the arms of yet another man, yet again unfamiliar but I do remember him having short blond hair and sideburns. They begin kissing each other hard.

I wake from this soon after, only for a second with a T-shirt over my physical eyes so I awake to complete darkness. Falling back asleep a moment later, I drop back into the dream, this time fully Lucid. There are wide, elaborately decorated hallways back to the room I intuitively know contains her and all the spectators, and some people on benches observe me. The walls are purple or blue and bejeweled in spots. I decide (quite impulsively) to try to fly into this room and confront her. I focus on the doorway and try to superman-fly over there. I had been quite unprepared to become lucid again. I make it not quite halfway to the door before the dream dissolves into yet another false awakening, I am suddenly being led down very narrow, dank and bizarre looking corridors by hooded figures that are short and hunched over. Their heads are covered and their faces are not visible. The entire landscape is made up of discs piled one on another, getting smaller toward the top forming pancake-like pyramids. I see that the path I’m on continues far upward and I can see another place to land high above me. I decide to attempt to fly, again, and this time I don’t recall even making it off the ground.

I wake up to find that when I had an orgasm in the dream I also had one in physical reality and I will have to clean myself off. I am now feeling as if this was some sort of test, which I have inarguably failed.