Slamming doors: Do you think this is realted to my past?

[ARA2013]

Hi all, this is my first post here so I hope I'm in the right place. Forgive me if this turns out to be way too long. I have been having these dreams that seem to be related to my childhood. They don't come every night but I've had them many times over the years. They sometimes have differences with each other but they mainly stay the same. I always feel terrified of what I can't see. I hope me giving you some info on my childhood is ok. Warning, may be too much info for some. I was molested by my stepdad from the ages 2-11. I say 2 because that's when my mom married him. But the first memory I have of the molestation is when I was at least 4. When I was 11 I told him if he didn't stop I would tell my mom. I did tell my mom eventually but I don't think she believed me because I am 33 now and they are still married. He has been sober now for a long time now and no one, not even my husband knows what happened and I feel like I need to keep it that way because I cant imagine destroying my family. I hope with all my heart that I am the only one of my other 3 siblings that suffered through the sexual abuse. My younger sister, by 2 years, remembers things that I don't. For instance, she tells me that we used to spend nights at a hotel with my parents and their friends, along with their little boy who was my age. they would call us "boyfriend and girlfriend" What's weird is we were in the same town we lived in, so staying in a hotel seems crazy. My sister said drugs was always there and the adults were always high. On other nights I would sleep over at the "boyfriends" house and sleep in the bed with him, we must have been between the ages of 5-10. This boy grew up into a disturbed man. Last time I saw him was at a funeral a few years ago and he was pissed that I broke up with him when we were 10! Our parents don't even hang around each other anymore, haven't for a very long time. So that makes me wonder why my younger sister can remember these things and I can't. I also wonder what she doesn't tell me. Here's the dreams as best as I can remember them: they don't always happen in this order, it's just kind of random on where it takes place. I am at my childhood home, as an adult. I am the only one there. I try to go into a bedroom but the door slams in my face, violently. I feel terrified but I keep trying. Each time I walk down the hallway looking at the open door but as soon as I get right up to it that's when I feel like something is behind it slamming it shut so I can't get in. I feel like whatever it is, is not a good thing. something evil. Another variation, I am an adult at the house my grandparents lived in until I was about 7. Which in reality is right behind my childhood home. I am in a closet trying to find my way to the attic. I can't find a ladder, a door, or any other way up there. I even claw at the walls trying to find a path. I feel like I must get up there. I feel desperate and afraid. In reality this house has no attic. And another: I am at my aunt's house, my stepdad's sister. In reality her house is right next door to my childhood home. I am an adult, standing in the kitchen. This time I'm not alone. My mom is standing next to me. I am trying to show her that there is something that keeps slamming the door on me and won't let me into the room. There are burning cookies in the oven. This time I am scared but not terrified. I think it's because I'm not alone. But I feel frustrated because I can't get into the room I need to get into. Again I feel like what ever is slamming the door violently in my face wants me to stay out. I feel like it's evil. I just feel like the slamming door has a meaning. Whether it be about my childhood or my life now. I have never talked to a counselor about my abuse. I don't know if I really want to know what's behind the door. It could change my life and everyone I know. I wake myself up from each of these dreams and I'm scared for a little while and it takes some time to fall back asleep. These are things I know about the dreams - Even though they are at different houses, it's always at a place I've spent time in as a child and they are right by my childhood home. -I can't see the force that is slamming the door, but I get a sense that it's a ghost or a demon. Like I'm subconsciously trying to scare myself away. Sorry again for making this such a long post. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for but any advice or ideas about the meaning of the slamming doors are much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[JoannaB]

I think the dreams of the slamming of the doors in your face in places you were at as a child may be about your own mind suppressing memories. I think you perceive the force keeping you out of those rooms as evil because the part of you that you identify with in these dreams that part wants to know what really happened when you were a kid, but another part of you wants to keep you out of those memories, presumably "for your own good" or "for the good of your family"; however, I do not believe ignorance is bliss. If you have suppressed memories, you probably ought to figure out why. If you remember being abused, and yet there is other stuff you do not remember, chances are that other stuff would make you feel worse and or cause issues with your family, but if you do not seek it out, there is this whole area of your mind/memory that you do not access, and that can be like a bomb waiting to blow up. I would think you would want it to blow up in a controlled environment with the assistance of a therapist, because the alternative may be that this will blow up when you least expect it at a very bad time. If you are happily married, your husband in my opinion has a right to know all this. Chances are high that he already suspects or is baffled by some of your reactions or emotional responses or something that would make much more sense if he knew what happened to you. Has it occurred to you that the reason why you cannot remember all that your sister remembers about that boy is because something may have happened with that boy that you would rather not recall, and that may well be what is behind the slamming door? The fact that you are posting to this site seeking dream interpretation tells me that part of you really does want/need to know.