Scared2Sleep's Dream Journal

[scared2sleep]

i just got up out of my bed, crying and sick because of this same horrible dream that i keep having and once i have it, sleep is not possible for days. i dont know what to do about it, what it means - if anything, and it terrifies me. im traveling along some road with my three children. it is late and we are pretty much broke and exhausted. we stop at this little dive of a motel, shabby and broken down but i figure they have beds, we have our own blankets and stuff so it wont matter. we get a room and go inside, only there are already people in there. two men who look like they have been through only god knows what. the man at the front desk tells me that it is the only room they have that we can stay in, and it does have a seperate door that seperates one part from the other so we go back in and hole up in the little room. soon after the men start banging on the door, making comments about sodomizing my eight year old son, raping my daughters. my mind races trying to think of a way to get out of there and i go to the window. outside the window there are men as well. they look like something out of the movie deliverance and are closing in around our car... not looking like they are going to leave. we hunker down in the room and i get the phone to call the police. i make the call and shortly after a man shows up who says he is the local authority. i let him in the room and realize that it was a huge mistake. he is one of them and starts grabbing at my children, making lewd sexual comments to them, and i can see the terror on their faces. instinct kicks in and i fight, i use anything and everything i can reach both physically and inside me to fight them off but it is useless. they just seem to pour in the door. at this point i notice a few little boys with them. they just beat them in the head, pass them around, talking about how they suck their dicks, how tight their little boy asses are... horrid stuff. they get ahold of my son and try carrying him out the door. somehow i injure one of them badly. pretty much throwing my son back behind me. im raging, violently lashing out at any one of them that gets close enough. my kids are all hiding beneath me, behind me. they retreat but still we are stuck inside. this goes on for days within the dream. trapped in this room, the men advancing into the room when they can... lurking outside otherwise, until i cannot take it anymore and sleep is impossible. when i do get up, i dont feel like ive even been asleep, but that i was awake through the whole thing, fully conscious.

[Howie]

Although I talked to you via PM, right down any other dreams as well Scared to sleep. OK? We can get to the bottom of this!

[scared2sleep]

(entry from my personal journal about another recurring dream) i woke up in the middle of the night... frantic, crying. in the dream i had gone to visit my father who lives in texas. i had my children with me as well as a man who i dont know who it was because i never saw his face. i do know he was a black man because i remember seeing his hand as i was driving. we arrived at my father's house and parked, got out of the car and were immediately confronted by a group of ten or so very backwoods looking, redneck, kind of scarycrazy looking white men. they were dirty, overgrown facial hair, filthy clothes, hands stained with years of non washing. my children and i were accosted and drug inside where the house turned into this... old, abandoned, worn down school building. it was dirty, nasty dirty. we were drug into a room where my children were tied up and set aside to have to watch whatever was going on. i was slapped, kicked, punched, stripped, pushed around and eventually raped violently by each of those men in every orifice of my body. i was called nigger lover and whore and about every name in the book you can imagine. i remember the only thing going through my mind was my children, over in the corner, having to watch this... i dont remember any other thoughts going through my head. my heart... my soul was breaking open for what they were having to go through. eventually the men tired... only to drag me down the hall to another room. in that room... which was much like high school locker room... years of funk and dirt caked into the grout of the tiles... steamy... streams of moist dirt streaking ... dripping down the walls. that room was occupied by a group of black women prostitutes. they were heavily made up, gaudy, smelling like they had bathed in cheap perfume... the air reeked of cigarette smoke and stale alcohol. the men pushed me in and left, only to have these women pick up where they left off. my children were not brought with me and my mind raced with fear as to what was happening to them... where they were. these women... continued the violent beating... calling me white whore... telling me i need to leave their men alone... etc. it continued until i was broken down to a sobbing curled up ball in the middle of the floor. at some point the women left.. they were just gone. my broken body ached.. throbbed...dried blood caked and covered with new blood... swollen. i remember my father coming in the room and getting me to lead me to this room where my children were. i remember pleading with him in my mind... why didn't you save me.. help me. why did you let this happen to me. we walked in the room and there were my kids. they were curled up in the corner on an old filthy mattress, blank terror etched in their eyes. on the other side of the room was this faceless black man who had come with me and i remember those same questions that raced through my mind that had when i saw my father... igniting again... raging within my head. all of them were unharmed, untouched physically. i grabbed my children and this man followed and i raced to get out of there... my veins screaming with the fear they had all instilled in me. i remember walking out the door to go the the car...only to find it destroyed, trashed, no longer even drivable. the men that had so violently and invasively beaten and raped me were outside.. mockingly laughing. the terror began anew when i realized i had nowhere to go. there was nothing but trees for miles in any direction. this is when i woke up, terrified. my face was soaked from my tears... hair wet.. matted from sweat. my body was sore from the demons i fought in my sleep... every muscle ached. i remember going to the bathroom to look for the bruises that in my sleep had been so evident, and i fully expected to see them... but they weren't there.

[scared2sleep]

ok.. so i wake up in the morning totally confused, images of stuff from the night playing like a slideshow in my head. as the moments rolled by, more and more images were added to that show and it all slowly pieced together. it started with me as a child... riding my bike in the snow... fleeing from someone.. something.. i dont know who... i don't know what. i see my face.. filled with fear, afraid to look back just riding... peddling as fast as i can through the mess of slushy snow... over railroad tracks... up hills. everything is sheathed in this bright white... blue...light... it is surreal. i arrive in front of this row of brownstones with four or five steps leading up to each one. at the end of the last one.. the sidewalk ends and is replaced by a brick wall blocking the view of what the sidewalk would have led to. there is a door in the middle, where the sidewalk would be. i know the last steps lead up to my house (although i have never lived in such a place) and suddenly my image of myself is older... not grown but like maybe 17 or 18. someone is with me, i dont know if it is my sister or a friend but she is standing there beside me. we look at each other and look at the door... my heart is racing as i look at the door, drawn to it. i know i should go inside my house, i know i shouldnt go to the door but i do anyway. once through the door i go down a few steps that lead to what just looks like the continuation of the sidewalk.. of the street... but it is all closed in. pallets are stacked empty against the walls of the building and there are a few small groups of people loitering here and there. there are a few basketball hoops... and fences.. the chain link kind. there is one group.. three boys.. not much older than myself and just looking at them makes me know i should go back through that door and go home, but of course i dont. they look my way but don't act as if they take much notice at first... then one.. who appears to be the ringleader walks towards me... he has something in his hands, like he needs something to fiddle with.. play with... to distract himself.. keep himself busy.. something. his aura is evil.. it is black.. dark. just being this close to him makes my skin crawl... makes my soul coil back from the surfaces of myself. he invites me over to where his friends are... seemingly friendly enough.. but i know better.. i just know. but i go. of course i go. once i get over there i immediately know that i have lost whatever control i had by being only a few feet from the door. he grabs my hands and instantaneously has them chained... i cant even move.. not because of the chains but more because of shock... fear... wonder. he yanks and the chain that is around my hands is suddenly over the rim of the basketball hoop above us... my arms raised up.. stretched... pulling me up on my toes. i dont know what i expect, i dont know what to think, what to fear. to this point i havent said a word... neither has he.. have they. i look to the door and see this girl.. the one who was outside the door with me. she is just watching.. not moving.. not going for help, not doing anything... just still. the silence is broken as the boys take turns assaulting me with their mouths.. with their words... insults fly, degrading comments... humiliating comments. in my mind i am saying "fuck you... fuck you and the power you think you have because you dont have shit". their words slowly tear away my protective barrier though, start wearing me down.. breaking me down. i see myself... tears streaking down my face but am unaware that i am even crying. the older one.. the one who approached me at the door walks forward... grabbing the front of my shirt and ripping it away from me... leaving me naked from the waist up... this is when i want to scream... fear fully alive within me now. they laugh at me... mock me... they know.. and i seem to know that my cries will fall on deaf ears... that nobody outside that door can hear me. the people that are hanging around in this place... dont seem to care. my head is echoing with my silent screams... my mind pleading with my body to do something. i can't... i don't. i wake up.