Searching for something - Kacper's dream journal

[Kacper]

"Dream within a dream" 9 May 2008 --------------------- I wake from the dense dreams I can no longer remember. I look at the clock - it's about 5:40, so there's still time for me to go back to sleep. Yet, for reasons unknown, I get up. The pale light of the early morning falls through the windows. I go to the kitchen where find my father lying on the couch(!!!), fast asleep. I think that he dozed off while watching tv and failed to wake up before morning. "Dad, it's morning", I tell him. Then I notice a bandage, either around his head or around his arm, I can't remember. I realize that there are reasons for him sleeping outside his bed. I go back to my own bed, afraid that I won't be able to catch any more sleep. I perform the relaxation exercise, and soon enough I'm seeing hypnagogic images form before my closed eyes, a sure sign that the sleep is coming. I step into a narrow, bazaar-like street. The transition between waking and dreaming is so smooth that I'm perfectly aware that I am dreaming. The street is crowded and bustling. I'm walking with my arms folded across my chest. I'm thinking of the practice of vipassana and the Buddha's words: "The feet feels the feet when it feels the ground". For a while I consider taking off my shoes, in order to practice the vipassana-style body awareness technique, but then the streets widens and the crowd disappears. To my left a narrow, overgrown path branches off, leading towards distant mountains. To my right there is a viaduct hanging over the road, and city buildings are visible in the distance. I notice some kids playing near the viaduct. I first consider walking under the viaduct and towards the distant city buildings, but then abandon the idea and choose the path to my left. As soon as I do, the dream begins to fade. I struggle to stay asleep, but then I find myself lying awake in my bed. This time for real. It's only then that I realize that the previous awakening was a dream.

[Kacper]

31 May 2008 -------------------------------------------------- This night's dreams were filled - like most of my dreams are - with a mixture of claustrophobic locales and disasters. Let's begin with disasters. I find myself in the street just outside the tenement I inhabit. I look up to the sky and see a black cloud approaching, and by 'black' I mean that the cloud was actually obsidian black; blacker than anything I've ever seen in waking life. A strong wind picks up; I know a fierce storm is coming. I either receive a call from my mother or call her; I'm afraid for her safety, but I am also afraid for my own. I manage to reach the tenement's door somehow; the wind's blowing so strongly that I suspect I might be carried away by it. Then I wake up for a moment, only to find that it's early morning and it's sunny outside. I close my eyes and go back to sleep. I don't remember the sequence of the dreams that followed - or preceded - the one I just described. I remember playing a computer game; the graphics are rough 3-d, just like the one you could play in the nineties, when all 3-D models were just bunch of prims and polygons. I'm walking around a 3-D world and board a craft that looks like a WWI biplane. Then I find I cannot revert to the earlier style of play; I'm forced to fly the biplane and engage in dogfights. I believe I managed to shoot down a plane or two. I'm walking down the streets in my city, and emerge at the square where a shopping center is located. To my right there's a surreal bridge that doesn't exist in reality; it either connects two sides of the street or just two random points in the street (the latter is more probable). To my left there is a grocery that does exist in the real world - but is located elsewhere. As I pass by - or head for entrance, I don't remember - I grab out my cellular and check for a message from a friend. I distinctly remember being convinced I'm awake. The last dream in the sequence - or the one I'm 90% convinced it was last - has me standing in a corridor inside a building. There are no windows in sight, and it seems that the only source of illumination is electric light. I believe there's a flight of stairs behind me, leading to the other parts of the building. Before me there's a bench, where several people are sitting in line and waiting, among them two young girls. For some reason I become convinced I've to change my clothes, and I have to do it right now. Unfazed by the girls' presence I proceed to take off the black turtleneck I'm wearing (it seems that I don't wear anything underneath), but without removing my glasses beforehand. The tight turtleneck almost crushes my glasses as I'm trying to squeeze my head through it. I swear and stop to reconsider my actions. This is when I wake up.

[Kacper]

1 June 2008 ------------------------------------- I return to University, this time as an employee. I'm given a spacious room with a desk, a phone, and a bookshelf. I sit down at the desk, unsure as to what to do next. It seems to be either night or evening, but it might be so because the curtains are drawn and the room is illuminated by the electric light. Suddenly a phone rings. It's one of my professors - now a co-worker. She mentions a book that she says I should read because of the fact that "I've a somewhat mathematical mind". A mess of dream-images follows. Dirty, winter landscapes; vague sense of shame and humiliation. It seems I've a sexual relationship with a woman, who appears to be older than I am. She's always wearing glasses, even when she's naked. Then I'm in the home of my maternal grand-grandparents in the city I used to live in; it's night and the place lacks illumination. I'm trying to do a yoga movement where you stretch your arms above you. I remember looking at the mirror and see myself doing it - the glasses, the pullover, an idiotic smile on my face. I stray from the way the stretch should be done - I keep my hands interlocked, not clasped, vaguely ashamed of what I am doing. Then I wake up.

[Kacper]

6 June 2008 --------------------------------------- I'm living and sleeping in my workplace. For some reason, my father is there too; I wake up and try to perform breathing exercises, ashamed that I've to do it in the plain sight. I think I remember him laughing. A man comes over to the office; his name translates into English as Raphael; he's very friendly and sports a moustache. I'm trying to remember what is his business with us, but can't; this makes me feel even more ashamed. I join him as he leaves the office and we both plunge into the surreal network of corridors that surround the dream version of my workplace. He starts telling me the story of his life; he mentions something about working in 'the archive'. "So you work in the archive?", I ask him. His answer is affirmative; now he does, but he used to have some other, more exciting occupation and is now missing it - from his words it appears he used to be either a private eye, or perhaps a police officer. As he's telling me this, we're passing through what looks like an underground parking lot of sorts; soon afterwards the way the interior is decorated changes; the corridors are dressed in light-green wallpaper, and I've an impression that I'm in a hotel. A lucidity dawns upon me, and I leave the man to explore the corridors on my own. Some time later I find myself - still lucid - walking up a trail that leads through the forest. The scenery is reasonably fair and sunny, but the atmosphere's still permeated by same sense of bleakness and - how to put it in words? - 'washed-down', dirty feeling that accompanies me through the entire dream. The trail terminates at the beach; looking at the dark-colored sea I think of it as a symbol of the Absolute. For some reason - my lucidity started to falter at that point - I think that the right way to take a dive into the sea - and, consequently, into the Absolute - is to strip myself completely beforehand. I tell myself that this is a nudist beach, and there's no reason to be ashamed; I remove my clothing and try to dive into the sea; I vaguely remember someone trying to stop me.

[Kacper]

I've had several dreams lately that I haven't covered; I'll put them all in one post: The quest for the Grail 10 June 2008 -------------------------------------- In the dream I have found myself - along with another fellow - walking about the environments that usually fill my dreams (read: dirty, run-down tenements, the house that I used to live in as a child as well the dream-versions of the streets surrounding it, etc.). I remember we have been seeking for the Grail - THE HOLY GRAIL, that is. Like all the respectable Grail-seekers, we've been carrying swords. I remember carrying mine in hand, until I found I could put it in a scabbard on my back. Bits and pieces of other dream-memories: I remember re-reading "Lord of the Rings" and finding it an exceptionally poor piece of literature. "That's why I dislike fantasy so much", I thought. Then I find myself playing what looks like a Flash game: two human - or animal - figures fight with a weapons that look like lightsabers; I lose, but the game progresses fluently into another stage instead of coming to an end: 'I' - or the character I'm controlling - gets stuck in a pond or a lake, or perhaps sea - I don't remember - then finds himself gliding on the back of a giant giraffe - I'm becoming amazed with the game and how creative its maker was - and then I wake up. Salt Square goes futuristic 11 June 2008 --------------------------------- I'm walking about my city and arrive at the center, where the Town Square and the Salt Square are located. In reality, they're comprised of centuries-old buildings; in the dream these have all vanished, and futuristic structures made of smooth, grey metal appeared in their place. I meet my mother who confirms that the change has occured. Curious about the change, I step inside a police department, which in the dream islocated on Salt Square. A short flight of stairs leads down, into what appears to be a reception, but what actually resembles the interior of shop. An old woman is sitting behind the counter. I'm a bit embarassed and try to explain that I was looking for a clothing store. She points me to the one nearby, obviously unconvinced by my explanation. There's a woman I'm angry with. I don't know why; perhaps it is simply that I think her to be annoying and stupid. I forcibly strip her, but once I'm done, I realize I can't bring myself to harm her, now that she's exposed and vulnerable. I'm with my parents in what in the dream is 'our apartment'; it's run-down and dilapilated. A large, rusty kettle, which appears to be completely burnt-out, is sitting on the stove, the water boiling inside. I'm convinced for some reason that the kettle will turn itself off automatically once the water boils, almost as if it was an electric device and not devastated relic of the past it actually is. Then we leave apartment - or are somehow 'forced' out of it by some young and obnoxious guys who are living in the neighboring apartments. This way or another we find ourselves in the corridor outside. To the left of entrance the floor rises, leading to a part of the corridor which lies about half a meter above our floor level. The walls there are painted orange, and I remember that there used to be a short flight of stairs where the floor rises, but that now it had been replaced by a more convenient way of reaching the higher part of the corridor. I explore this part, and seem to 'know' or 'remember' who is living there. There seem to be doors on both sides of the corridor, a physical impossibility given that there are windows to my left. I also seem to remember that this is where a trainee that I knew in reality used to live in - when she was a trainee. In my dream, she is a journalist. We finally get back to 'apartment'; the kettle - to my surprise - is still boiling. I'm angry at the people who forced out to wait outside. The endless city 12 June 2008 -------------------------------------- The dream begins with vague scenes of me babysitting my cousin; in the dream she's much younger than in reality. I find her to be very obnoxious and annoying; I also remember taking care of her natural needs and the memory fills me with dread. I also recall her waiting for me to come for her on one of the main streets of my city. Later on the dream becomes more salient; I find myself steering my avatar along the country road that in the dream appears to be existing in Second Life. Some violent people block my path and I find myself on the verge of a gap or a ravine, and struggle to not to fall through; of course I do. What happens next is nothing short of amazing; I remember looking helplessly at my avatar falling down against a backdrop of a white-blue pattern that makes me think - that I know to be - skyscrapers in a vast, seemingly endless city. This one - and the latter - parts of the dream are filled with acute sensation of vastness of space. After having traversed the seemingly infinite distance between the gap and the ground, I find myself - the difference between me and my avatar beginning to fade - standing in a district bordering with a river - and perhaps a sea. All of the buildings here are dilapilated and run-down. I remember grey, dilapilated, brick bridge hanging above a body of water - apparently a river - and from there I wander to the left, and higher up towards the center of the city, and as I do I don't even notice that the day turns into night. I arrive at a bus stop; before me I see some billboards illuminated by electric lamps. I am acutely aware that I've only began to tap into the vastness of the city; that there's more out there waiting for me to see and explore. This is when my cellular rings; a woman speaking with a foreign, perhaps french, accent, asks me for advice on the project she is running; I tell her that I can't help her with that, and that she needs advice of a lawyer. This is when I wake up.

[Kacper]

Idle evening; night chase; down (up?) the Missisipi 14 July 2008 --------------------------------------------------------- I find myself reclining on the couch in what resembles the apartment I used to live in before I moved. I feel relaxed and sleepy. It's evening. The TV news are coming to an end; they seem delightfully banal. I find myself playing the game I wanted to play for a long time ('Noctropolis'). I'm struck by that there is light in the city of Noctropolis. I seem to like the story and want to create the savegame I can load on my computer later on. But, as is often the case with dreams, the game changes into reality; I'm sitting in a car with another one - resembling a huge, black cadillac, chasing us through the night. My father's driving, but he passes the controls to me. I can't make the car run faster than 60 km/h, and I've troubles switching brakes. Nevertheless, in spite of my own sluggish pace, I succeed in leaving the pursuers behind. Then I find myself sailing down a nameless river in the United States (I learn later on it was Missisipi) with a colleague from the student times. The boat is run-down and seems as it was to fall apart in any moment; nevertheless, we succeed in sailing down the river - and up the waterfall (!!!). At some point we disembark somewhere in the rural America; we have a conversation with a woman in a town or village, but I don't recall any details save for being struck with how 'stiff' and 'serious' American people are. Then we arrive at the train station. The place is run-down and dirty, and the trains resemble those I often see in my own country in Central Europe: old, rusty and and sprayed with graffiti. We discuss going to New York; in the dream I remember my previous visit to this city, and that I found it 'boring'; nevertheless, I dart across the rail tracks (happy that no train happened to be passing through) and try to buy a ticket using my own bank-machine card. Some troubles ensue, and I find myself indicted of a financial crime (because I've made a mistake with the card). This time I think that American people are extremely vindictive and eager to consider anyone a criminal at the slightest opportunity. The situation clears, and the next day I find myself recounting the entire situation before a group of people; at one point I don't seem to remember or know what river we've been sailing down, it's then when I'm told it was Missisipi.

[Kacper]

Journeys 17 July 2008 ------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm on a business trip to a distant city. I'm lying in my hotel bed trying to fall asleep. My ferret - who apparently accompanies me on the trip - climbs in bed and wants to play. At one point a spark of light appears behind the window; it grows in size as it approaches the place I'm in, and I realise it's a spaceship. It's about to smash through the window, when I wake up - in the hotel room within my dream. I laugh at the dream and attempt to fall asleep again, only to reawaken - in my real bed, for a short while. I fall back to sleep. In the dream that ensues I'm once again on a business trip, but this time it's clear that I'm in a coastal town - I'm sitting in a bar, looking at spectacular sunset. My spirits are high. In the next dream I'm sitting with my father in some kind of unnamed institution that seems to be located in the town I used to live in before I moved. There's an evidence of the widespread economic downfall of the town, which can be sensed in how people move and act. We're waiting in line to leave our clothing (which actually means our baggage and the clothes we took for the trip) in the room A, which is a neccessary step before taking the money out of our bank account in the room B. The waiting drags on, and on, and on; at one point I see grim, unshaved people in long, tattered robes walking through the hall; their faces express terrible officiousness. I realise I'm looking at the members of the franciscan order. Tired of waiting I ask the girl who seems to be the first in the line - I've an impression she's my younger cousin - if the queue moved at all since she sat there. Her answer is negative.

[Kacper]

The Emperor's court 20 July 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I woke up early in the morning and then kept phasing in and out various dream and OBE-like states. At first I consciously - but not deliberately - 'fade in' to what resembles a kitchen in the flat I used to live in. It's black night outside, and I take note of how real and solid everything looks. The atmosphere is 'strained', though. My ferret comes in. I feel that I have to feed her, but I'm too afraid to do anything.I wake up. Some time later I wake up and take a look at my cellular, only to notice that the hour shown in the display changes according to my expectations. This prompts my lucidity. I scurry to the window, contemplate jumping out and flying away, but, having grown unaccustomed to lucidity, I settle down with just climbing down using the tree branches as my support. Once I do it I find myself in the street before the three-stories home I used to live in. I start walking down the road, only to find that the environment changes into 3-d computer graphics. A typical thing to happen in my lucid dreams, I conclude, and just continue down the road. As I do, I witness another change of environment - this time to the interior of a vast, factory-like hall.I'm walking up the metal stairs and gangways. In the next dream I'm somewhat aware that I'm dreaming, but my lucidity is very weak. I'm in a court of the Eastern - most probably Mongolian Emperor. I either came here looking for something, or was summoned, this way or another I want to see the Emperor. I also feel an urge to visit the bathroom, and - surprise - the court has quite modern bathrooms, even if almost everything else looks like it was 17-th century. I relieve myself, but I'm afraid that it had some effect in the 'real' world. I seem to 'wake', but the awakening is most probably to another dream, and I can't remember what happened then. I 'fall back' into dream and once again find myself in the bathroom in the court. I try to relieve myself again, then once again think of the consequences, I try to 'awake' but to no avail. I settle with that, and go about my business. The people in the court tell me that seeing Emperor entails rather complicated greeting procedure. I've to pick two ceremonial, wooden bars, juggle them, and then perform a maneuver that consists of jumping, falling to my belly and pulling myself up. Difficult to explain, really. To learn it, I'm to visit a 'Tutorial' room. Eventually, I receive instruction, and perform the maneuver with another person's support. My stay in the court is interrupted by visit by a few musket-wielding 'Poles'; there are two males and one female, and, being Poles, they are hostile towards Mongols. Seeing another white person in the court - namely myself - they try to communicate. I'm Pole - also in real life - but feel I've nothing in common with the obnoxious, barbaric people who came here. I pretend not to understand them, and shout some unintelligible words, to demonstrate that I'm not one of them. The other people in the court, aware of what my nationality is, laugh at what I've done, with some admiration I believe. Through all this time I keep thinking what a wonderful movie this dream would have made should I remembered it. Later on I find myself pursued through the court by an entity that looks like a mass of black heads with shining yellow eyes. I find myself hiding behind successive closed/locked doors, only to find that the entity is not at all deterred. Finally, I learn that the entity is a signal that the Emperor wants to see me. I've an object that the Emperor wants to have, and the entity is there to protect this object. I take a 'juggle bar' and head towards the Emperor's throne room; the entity's still following me, but this time it keeps distance. Before the door to throne room I realize I've only one 'juggling bar' with me; luckily, there's a bowl with juggling-bar lookalikes; a bit nervous I pick one of them, and enter. Having done so I find myself in a vast hall; the emperor is about to rise in front of me on his throne like a rising sun. His throne has the color of gold, but the Emperor's outline is black, and his face is hidden in shadow. I perform the 'greeting maneuver', and notice that the dream begins to fade. The Emperor starts to explain that he wants to 'fight the widespread obesity', but the dream doesn't last long enough for me to hear his explanations. ------------------------------------------ If you like I can add some pictures to show how the court looked like and how certain situations played out.

[Kacper]

The coronation 06 November 2008 -------------------------------------------------- The current prime minister of my country was elected a president - while remaining a prime minister. The election was followed by a coronation ceremony that seemed to take place near the elementary school in my hometown. I remember standing on the road that passes by the school, leading into the forest. A crowd of people was headed into the forest; these were the people who attended the celebration. They all wore cloaks and hoods, which bestowed upon them an appearance of antiquity, even though - following the marching crowd - I could see that most of the people were young; among them I saw girls as young as my age. The atmosphere was one of merriment, and didn't at all seem to match the event they were celebrating. The crowd marched towards the caves inside a mountain that does not exist in reality. A young man - naked to the waist - sat and beat a drum. All his body, save for his face, was smeared with mud, which made him look like he was made of stone, which for some reason made me feel hungry - I felt actually hugry for his flesh. Once the dancing and the music were over, we made it up to the top of the mountain and out of the cave, where some kind of ancient peope once had their fortress or their dwelling. In the dream it seemed as if I knew something about them - perhaps confusing them for an actual tribe that used to live in the territory of my country, but then became extint. I recalled that they were forced to live in harsh conditions, and that what I seen inside of their fortress - or the ruins that were left of it - reflected that. The next dream had me walking with my mother in the vicinity of the Reagans Circle. In reality the Reagans Circle is an underground passage linked to several tram-stops, a tram-station of sorts or a design trying to imitate a train station. In the dream it was night, and the Reagan's Circle was a maze of twisting, seemingly endless underground passages. I remember there were three of us walking - me, my mother and someone alse, perhaps my father, but I can't remember correctly. My mother suddenly split from us, disappearing into one of the dark corridors. "That's her habit", I though in the dream, slightly irritated, looking around in attempt to find where she was gone.