Baby.Blue.Bird's Dream Journal

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

Two kangaroos living in a gumtree, foraging off the bark of the trunk. They were able to walk the tree, vertically without slipping. The mother wore red gloves around her front paws. They're happy, hopping around and eating until a great black dog appears. The joey hides within the hollow of the tree and the mother dives toward the dog, charging into to it so that it is forced to fall with her to the ground. I realise the incredible height of the tree and am unaware as to whether the mother kangaroo is killed or that either animal dies on impact. I feel there's something tragic but nothing else. The dream changes and I am with Terry and Steve Irwin. I'm sitting by them as they introduce a dangerous animal to their audience. It's the Great Black Dog. We're sitting above a sort of gladiatorial pit and I fall into it with the Great Black Dog. I'm terrified and while the hosts are telling me not to remain still and whatever I do don't look it in the eyes, I do and though it looks to have every intention, it doesn't attack me. The dream is changed again and I encounter the dog myself a second time within a house, where I'm fearing for the life of my pet (I couldn't determine if it were Jess, Rebel or Alice within the dream. Jess was a dog of ours, put-down almost a year ago, aged 13 and Rebel was our oldest pet, a black cat of 18 years when he died and Alice is the young black-and-white cat we have now). I take the pet with me into a room, closing the door to keep away the dog. I don't remember what else happens, I admit this dream was about a month ago now. I wrote brief notes on it that morning and meant to detail it further later but never got around to it. I bring it up now since I feel it's a very important dream to me. I wondered if the dream questioned my identity in the world as an Australian and my recent frustration of my own cowardice, since I feel that I'm perceived as weakling who'd run in the face of danger, abandoning the ones I love. There's an obvious recurrence of symbols within the dream, the 'Great Black Dog', Australian icons (the gumtree, the kangaroo and her joey, Terry and Steve Irwin) and the self-sacrifice or fear I felt in each situation the dog was present. It was a sort of confrontation each time the dog made contact. But I remember, very vaguely, in the end it became less vicious. Though I haven't dreamt of the dog since, I've read up on possible symbolisms. The general idea I have is that dog is a 'destroyer', a bringer of death or perhaps death itself. I can only describe it as being a large, wild wolf. But I don't believe it's any of those things. Perhaps misinterpreted that way. I really have no idea. If you guys want to add what you think this dream might mean, feel free.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

Last Night's Dream: 29th March, 2008 Dreaming Symbols: (things emphasised most while dreaming) -the gaoled lover at 20 something. -bullets -gravestones/headstones: coloured blue-black, adorned with a white cross; perceived like a premonition. -green, tree-filled park -park bench shared by my cousin and I. -the 'tyranny' of the government - the people in the shades and black suits forcing people to watch others be killed. -blonde hair -the German man. -the three swirling patterns in blood. -frustration and sadness; questioning why things haven't changed. (or in the case of the gaoled man why they have) I recall only one dream most vividly. It began in a gaol of some sort where a man who was handcuffed had been arrested for a reason I wasn't really sure. I was standing before him very briefly; he was angry but more confused as to why he was being gaoled. I became a little upset about the situation myself because I was involved with him and I was also much older (probably late 20s) at this point in the dream. He was short-haired and very muscular, a sort of a rogue, but kind man. His sentence had a lot to do with a tyrannical government and him being some sort of hope for the people they controlled (though I didn't discover this until much later dream). The dream was then taken to something else. There's a large gap I don't remember. I'm later in a large park area and returned the age I am today. The area I'm in is green, grassy and there are plenty of trees about - large, leafy ones. There's a large crowd of people standing, row by row, like soldiers before a few people wearing shades and black suits. I only catch a glimpse of a pony-tailed, blonde-headed woman from a distance. These few people in the black suits are telling the crowds something and we who aren't in the crowd have to watch. My younger cousin and I are sitting on a bench seat. I don't want to look at these people and my cousin's hugging his knees afraid of something. As I'm watching the people, waiting for this thing I'm dreading to happen, I see hundreds of graves replace their images for a few short moments. All their headstones are a dark blackish blue and bear a large white cross. A series of bullets are fired and all these people are killed. My cousin just cries and my heart breaks. Bullets are fired again. They're shot out and I close my eyes, seeing the bullets instead as red light on a white background. As I hear the bullets thud into crowd's bodies, I see in my mind the blood the bullets have spilt make three patterns. For some reason I know someone important has died. He's a German man and it's his blood that is being used for the middle pattern (and it's the only one I come close to remembering) Next thing I know, I'm in a house. I'm in the dinig room with my uncle. I'm thinking about what has happened and how it's upset my cousin. I ask my uncle why no one will change anything and why they allow it to go on. He just walks away, his eyes downcast and moody. It's then that I realise we have to watch these murders or they'll kill us too. Somehow that links back to the man in the gaol earlier, but I don't remember how.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

It's been some time since I last wrote down a dream of mine. There have been far too many to recall and then re-write now. There is just one that I forced myself to remember, a night or two after the last dream I recorded on here. It was about being in Italy, encountering different dark-haired heterosexual couples on the street and asking them, "Como estas?" (how are you?) or saying to them "Soy es Australiana. Me llamo Ashley." (I am Australian. My name is Ashley) over and over. I'd cling desperately to the front of their shirts, close to tears, saying this over and over when they didn't respond. They ignored me, startled by my spanish explanations and tried to move away from me, clutching tight to the hand of their lover. When that happened, I'd move on to the next couple and beg that they understand what I was saying. Whenever there was a response, I'd tell them "No comprehendo, soy es Australiana." (I don't understand, I am Australian). But they'd just walk past me and leave me where I stood. Interestingly, I noticed again there was this theme of being 'Australian' present again. I am actually Australian, as I think I've already clarified, (or my profile should say). I was taught a little spanish in year 7 and have been obsessive with language since (which would explain why I knew how to say those phrases within the dream). I think I'll google a little while and see what I come up with.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

I've spammed this post by accident, I'm not sure how to delete it.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

I dreamed of a guy in my year last night (June 28th/29th). The same guy I'd dreamed of only a few nights before. The dream started with 2 other people (who they were was always blurry - I was only certain one was a caucasian male, the other a female). We were together briefly, attempting to hide our identities from a group of nameless someones. To escape, we planned to use a heap of jewels I'd found as bribery. We were in Africa, riding an elephant for a while...much of that was blur also. There had something to do with me being introduced to a new maths class somewhere, and being very withdrawn. The people I was hiding with, were captured, right as we tried to escape through a toilet window. A blonde woman appeared as I was trying to get out. I managed to avoid her, but a man appeared, blonde also (his hair was shoulder-length, hers went down to her mid-waist). He didn't quite catch me either. When I was sure I was out of their reach, I turned to face them. By then, the make I was with was gone and the woman held the girl in her arms as a captive. I ran, realising I couldn't save her. As I was running, my heart was racing. I turned a corner and saw, through a glass door (much like an entrance to a shopping centre), a group of people wearing white, priest-like cloaks. One of them turned to face me. It was a guy from school - someone I don't usually talk to, but do have a lot of classes with. (He's very loud, funny, tall. He gets into trouble for talking, because his voice is so deep it carries through anything. A smart guy, who hides it well. His group are the people who pay everyone out, but in a way you can laugh at, because the cop outs are always so clever. I guess if anyone were to be the popular, smart ones, it'd be them). He pulled back the hood of his cloak, his face very straight and serious. I started crying, I needed to save those people I'd been with, but I needed help. He didn't say anything, but began carrying me, so that I was being piggy-backed. It was romantic somehow, I could feel my heart warming. Then we reached a place where I found my two friends - now they weren't blurry but were two people I sit with at school. He still wasn't saying anything, it was a solemn moment when he set me down. I was confused at that point - so much of the dream had been left unfinished. When I dreamt of him a few days ago, it was a little more...passionate. We were on a lounge together, wearing our school uniform. I was on top of him, rubbing his crotch...dry sex, really. When I woke up, I didn't feel dirtied by it or repulsed. I kind of liked it. What I didn't understand was why it had been him. His silent presence seemed more prominent than the chase, the jewels, the elephant, the maths or the friends. So I don't know what to say about the dream. Thoughts are welcomed.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

July 17th - 18th; Last night's dreams. What I first remember, is sitting by a sort of lake, something you'd see in an old english film. I was there writing, and saw a butterfly floating on the surface of the water. It was beautiful, black and blue in colour amd a little larger than I would've thought. But it was dead. It had some spark of life, when I touched it with a little stick, but it's wings were so wet, it really just couldn't fly away. A little after that, I dreamt of speaking Japanese to a few natives, but was really counting in Chinese. When I presumably returned home, I was criticised for this by a once-friend of a friend, who said instead of saying '1, 2...' I said '2, 1...' The only word I remember saying is 'Wu', and that was only because it was on Futurama last night. Another dream I had, I don't really recall. It was basically a re-connecting with a guy I once had very serious feelings for. But that was it, the dead butterfly intrigued me most about these dreams...anyone know what that could mean? A death of a dream; my SOUL?

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

The butterfly represented my interacting with people, I think. Because of my writing (I hope I mentioned I was writing when I found the butterfly by the lake), I'm secluding myself from many social outings with friends. I've become less able to connect with them, or to talk as casually as I might have once done. It's been pressing on my mind more often in the past few months, just how distant and alone I am from my friends. At school, they've got their little groups within groups. They're partying together on weekends, and I always feel left out; a slight twinge of jealousy at their 'togetherness'. I try to brush it off, but I want what they have; people I can talk to about anything and at the same time, I'd rather keep to myself. It's not that I don't trust (so many of my friends claim they can't, which I think is absolute garbage), because I'm the same with my family. I hate that they whisper among themselves, and so obviously steal someone away to have a private chat. I like being open; if I'm to tell someone something about myself, I tell everyone. I don't understand the need to keep secrets. Why some things that people talk about can't be shared with everyone. I guess for that reason, not feeling like I'm trusted, writing and keeping to myself is safer. My love for them only extends so far, sometimes I don't think I care about them at all. I treat them like people who are just there...and maybe, my inner 'butterfly' - that socialite part of me is suffering because of it.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

July 20th - 21st. So last night saw an on-going 'alien' theme to my dreams. I woke up twice during the night, only to realise as I was I dreaming - with great joy - the mind movies were continuing on from where they left off. They began with two beings floating together in darkness, surrounded by the stars of the galaxy. They looked like people, except they were so much taller. They were beautiful, even with their brains that extended like enlarged shells from the backs of their heads. The taller of the two was red (I related this to being male); the shorter one was blue (female). They were holding hands and kissing, smiling, laughing and at first I was wondering if this was their way of reproducing. The male gave a final smile to the female and floated upward. She was suddenly so sad, when I woke from this, I basically rolled over and fell straight back to sleep. Then, it was me and a few people from school in biology working on some kind of experiment. The boy I mentioned from earlier dreams was there. It was brief, I woke again. Somehow we were at war, on a planet I wasn't sure was ours or an alien one. A green sludge created by us or the unseen race we were battling with, was hindering our progress on the field. It could be contained in plastic tupperware, but ate through everything else. Though it could kill us, a guy from my year informed me it could be our winning ticket. I remember him handing a larger container of it to me and putting to me what happens next. I woke up then, and didn't get back to sleep.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

I never seem to update this regularly, or with nearly enough detail. Hmm. Well, I haven't paid much attention to any of my dreams in the past month or so. I still have them but they seem like nothing more than distractions from the outside world. In a few I've seen seen some maths crop up. In one I was working through the log laws - I told myself 3 to the power of itself, could not equal 27, but 1. I don't remember how I reasoned it, but all throughout the dream I was working through different ways of proving 3^3 = 1. My most recent dream (last night, Septemper 29th - 30th) was determining the equation for the side lengths of uneven rectangles within a square. The answer was 6, 7, 8, 9 for each rectangle - I'd have to draw it out, I'm over-complicating it, and can't even remember the method involved. I used paper, pencil and a ruler to draw it up. Basically all I saw during the dream was the pencilled diagram and the measurements written on it as I thought about them. In another dream a few days ago, I was playing soccer on my brother's team. I was closest to the goal when the ball was passed to me. I missed it, letting the ball roll over the backline (I'm not sure what it's actually called) since my reaction was too slow. When I did this, I saw a guy (one I'd fancied for a short while) look upward, as if to say he wasn't surprised by my lack of co-ordination. I don't remember much else of the game but afterward, we lined up in single file at the score sheet to write our names down. That same guy who'd looked away when I missed was behind me; I saw him writing his name directly under mine and in brackets that he'd like to marry me. I didn't feel anything as I normally would have; my heart seemed totally untouched, not taking his proposal very seriously. After that, I'm pretty sure I woke up. Everything else - just blugh.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

I've been feeling anxious lately...because of a guy. I confessed to a friend how I felt about him; how we'd been talking and getting to know one another over the past few weeks. We went to primary school together, so we're pretty comfortable with one another and nothing's hard for us to talk about. However, the day before my confession, he and I had been in chemistry doing some research; we talked in between about the most random things and I realised then that he might actually feel like I do. I was so happy and the feeling floated so sweet and light at first. The following day he approached me; we exchanged hellos and a laugh. I told him I was about to do some research (and I was) but I said it more as a way of distracting myself and I guess, to remind him I'm in no way dependent on his company. He sat next to me for a while until he left, saying he was bored. I felt a sadness come over me. It moved over into my next class, which he didn't come to since he'd ditched school. I'd wanted to go with him (it was our free) and come back just to ascertain - I don't know what - that something could happen. Why I was sad was because his walking away I interpreted as a sign; that I had the chance and now it was gone. Anyway, I dreamt last night that he was watching me, but it was with the same vacant stare I received when I'd been dolled-up one day for a friend's art project. Everytime he stared at me, I'd look up. It happened a few times and I'd shyly look away everytime it did. Eventually, I approached him and all of a sudden we were teasing each other. But the teasing felt shallow - as though the relationship (if there were one) could only come to a series of casual and biting remarks, because of an inability to express ourselves any other way. Today that kind of situation actually happened. He wasn't staring, but I got to biology and was feeling incredibly nervous (I didn't expect him to be there). He was being a bit of jerk when we were assigned a prac. to do, I told him so and we mucked around a bit; throwing at each other off-hand insults. The only thing is, I meant mine to a degree and was feeling a little insecure; possessive of him really. See, he'll look at me sometimes and walk on, like he just saw a random. Not only that, but I noticed how friendly he was with another girl (actually a good friend of mine) and I had to keep reminding myself that jealousy isn't a likeable trait...that it didn't matter if he liked someone who wasn't me. The worst thing though I'm here wondering what happened to that day we talked and everything we said came naturally, felt right and was just so easy. I also got the feeling he resented me, was trying to ignore me. I was smothering him and becoming desperate for his attention. I felt stupid, again, realising my crush had stemmed into an obsession. Gah. I guess I'm taking it all too seriously.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

March 7th/8th symbols: -receiving a letter bearing both good and bad news. -no reply sent by me. -laptop -mention of an art gallery. -trying to write my return letter in French. 'C'est' was the only word I remember, which I'm not even sure is French. I was scribbling on a bit of paper any French words or phrases meant to express how I felt. -'Sophie' - a blonde woman seen by me in a similar dream situation more than a year ago. I believe her to be a manifestation of my fears of being cheated on. My crush was the letter writer. In the letter he was interested, honest and reiterated how much he valued loyalty. My reactions were mixed; I stewed a long time on what to write back. I never did send a return letter, being inhibited by my confusion. As I formulated my reply, I went back and forth through distractions: my laptop and deciding to write in French (which I couldn't). I was procrastinating my response, not knowing whether I should mention how anxious it made me that he still thought of another woman. I considered telling him that I wasn't interested in him, omitting the part where I accused him of clearly having loyalties laying elsewhere. A friend of mine who can speak French quite well, I briefly imagined to be looking over my shoulder, telling me that the words I was writing were non-sense. This prompted me to be more honest; to stop avoiding what I was afraid to confront. The fact that I believed he might still be in love with this 'Sophie' was what held me back. 'Sophie' in my mind is a symbol of history I fear I can't change or am otherwise reluctant to. I've considered in real life that my crush might be crushing on, or in a relationship with a girl I know nothing about. Whether it's true or not, I've never bothered to ask. It hasn't been important. I figured when I was told by a friend that he wanted no distractions this year, he meant it. Though I wonder often if it was only something to say to avoid getting tangled with me; essentially to 'save' himself for someone he's had his eye on. 'Sophie' is that someone I fear he might already have. This dream letter was written on white paper, some parts in blue ink, others in black. It went over 2 A4 pages, front and back. The third page was written 3/4 of the way on the front side. It appeared like a draft; with scribbles and writing that couldn't get onto the paper as fast as he could think it. I appreciated the words he wrote me and my heart was warmed by the affection he spoke of having in the letter. It looked like he'd really thought about this. Though I did become anxious at his mention of 'Sophie', which like I said, is to me an indication of history I can't change. He admitted that he still liked to visit the art gallery where her art works were featured. I felt startled and a little anxious by this. I'm an artist myself and imagined that her skills probably far out-valued mine. I can't remember much else, though when I did wake up, thinking on it I remembered a similar dream where I received a letter, or a message of some kind about a Sophie character who had caught the interests of the guy I'd liked at the time. No such thing did happen though and our correspondence to each other was quite heavy; it lasted on and off again for a long time. I imagine my situation now to be somewhat the same. Though 'how' exactly I don't see. The fact that I'm afraid to admit to him how I feel is something I've understood for months now. It's the nature of our friendship that frightens me; it's never consistent. Some days it's flirtatious, sometimes it's serious, but it never extends to how we might feel or what we could do together on the weekend. Neither do we always say hello if it isn't needed. It seems to me he doesn't want our friendship to be anything more than what it already is. Outside of school we have no contact. It'd make hanging out a regular thing and confessing not such a daunting process. Being in group situations with him tends to heighten the anxiety I have about him being 'snatched' away. I much prefer to talk to him alone, though I struggle sometimes to even do that when there's no point for conversation. I don't like to talk too much and I hate to approach him when I don't have something to preoccupy myself with. I especially don't like to appear too demanding of his attention, but I struggle to find a happy medium between giving him the cold shoulder and being an obsessive and unwanting presence. I want it to be obvious to him that having my own space and he having his, is important and there's no pressure on him to sacrifice anything he doesn't want to. So the dream I guess was an indication of a lack of honesty on my part. In case of his reaction and due to this year's scheldue, I've remained reserved; have never actually confirmed what he knows is how I feel. It brings to light my question of how to spark his interest, without scaring him into all-out committment. Believing too much in what 'might' be is deterring me from taking action for what 'could' be.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

I dreamt last night of watching my crush die. The same long-standing crush I spoke about last month. The death itself wasn't significant, but the way that he died and his appearance afterward was replayed a few times. On his back, his arms were laid-out like someone who was crucified. I noticed then there were black holes where his eyes should've been. Strangely, the rest of his body appeared quite alright and I wasn't upset. Though watching him die, I was anxious. It recurred a few times, where I would see it on my way somewhere else. I would try to stop it, but be unable to because he was always just a little bit out of my reach. It was right before he died that he had his back turned to me. Before his death took place, there was talk around the school about a plan to stone him to death that I wanted to prevent. Peers in our year performed the killing on the oval. In my mind, it was described as a 'grinding'. They used the end pieces of what looked like the base of a picket fence and grinded these into him, so that it looked like they were squeezing an orange. I didn't see the actual dying process because the bodies of his attackers were surrounding him in shape vaguely like a human dome. I don't know as yet what it signifies, except that the lack of eyes could mean the lack of soul in his dead body. After this dream I was sitting in an old, crowded english room where some of my classmates were trying to get a reaction of me. They were saying snide and cruel things, because, one of them said, they wanted to see me angry. I was shocked and felt my heart beat race, but did not react and nor remember the exact words they spoke. It was more important that they were antagonising me. That's all I remember; everything else is too vague.

[Baby.Blue.Bird]

I had a dream the other too about 'blonde'. It was to do with my hair. All I saw of myself was from my shoulders up. The hair was very longand my dream self would pick out the highlights; they seemed to turn green. It was then explained somehow that the blonde in my hair was caused by a germ made more active by the sun. 'Blondes' seem to crop up every now and then; I haven't spoken about my dreams of the Islamic woman, who hugged the legs of an official, pony-tailed blonde who hadn't realised what she'd done. Apparently, the blonde had indirectly helped in freeing her of the government of her old country. The Islamic woman was crying and smiling...I felt so much pain at her relief. There was a ploy before this, to do with the woman's rescue made by the rebels in her own country. They were trying to escape a refugee camp in an aeroplane skeleton. They were covered by black fabric, which the soldiers at the gate shot through but for some reason hurt no one. It was really a rather frightening dream. I had it weeks ago now. But I felt so much...fear, uncertainty, anger, hope. But the last image of the Islamic woman thanking a westerner really broke my heart. Just a thought to share.