Quote:
Originally posted by sloth
Wow. Somehow, I knew that you would give me a different perspective than I had. Again, at the time, everything made more sense to me than it ever had before, even though I was still filled with a paradoxial question. This paradoxial question was so ... Uhh.. Paradoxial... that I couldn't put it into words. I think the closest thing I could determine, maybe, is that I was questioning the concept of concept. The only way I could describe the question to myself was 'What?' or, thinking back now, sometimes I would think, 'What is it?' But I couldn't quite figure out what IT was, because that was the question. I couldn't figure out what I was trying to figure out, because I was trying to figure out the concept of something, and I didn't know what that something was.
Way to vague to explain, and I had no clues.. nothing to go on. Perhaps that is why I never got anywhere. My thoughts got to the point of repeating themselves, in a cycle, repetitavely, but then it went PAST that point, until my brain was thinking one concept, not repeatively, but continuously. And I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE CONCEPT WAS!
With your permission, I would like to go ahead and put the conversation on the post.
I had considered the thought that maybe I was thinking like a monk, merely based on the fact that I had a lot in common with how they lived. But I had no means of learning whether this was true or not. It's not like I could have used a tree to google it.
This lump was a PHYSICAL feeling. It wasn't just a sensation, or a thought.. It felt EXACTLY like if something was inside my skull, and was slowly smothering my brain from back to front, like a liquid. The only reason I knew it was mental, and not something physically wrong with my brain was because WITH it came an uncomfortable feeling of question and wonder.
I did have everything figured out though, at least the way that I saw it, and the amazing part is that I pretty much remember it all.
I knew why some babies are still-born, while others grow up in luxury. I knew why people became jealous. I knew what it was to be PURELY GOOD through and through, and I was... For a brief time, I was a pure soul, INCAPABLE of doing anything wrong. I was so clear about everything in the universe, except this last concept, and it was the worst question of all... The question that is undefined. The question that questions itself...
Another interesting story: During the beginning of this time, before the year before this story started I had a puppy. I kept good care of it. Even though I didn't eat, he did. I spent morning, noon, and night with this puppy. I woke up with him, and I went to bed with him. I spent 24 hours a day for one year with this puppy. The purpose was because I wanted to learn how to communicate with animals... I mean REALLY communicate, and I did. He taught me.
Kitty was a half-huskee, half-wolf pup. I didn't teach him commands. I just spoke to him. I would talk to him all day. I talked to him about everything, using body language, facial expressions, and hand gestures. At first he just ignored me. But a lot sooner than I expected (within the first two weeks) he began listening. Instead of continuing to do whatever it was he was doing, as he did at first, he would stop, and sit in front of me, and just stare, as I spoke in full paragraphs to him. I would tell him about whatever. I didn't think the subject mattered at the beginning, because I think he was still learning to join words and phrases. He would stare for hours. His ears perked up, and his tail remained silent.
Finally, after about a couple of months of this, I began to put him to the test. I would require that HE communicate with ME. I didn't care what he had to do to get an idea or concept across, as long as he gave me some hint as to what he was trying to convey. I didn't require him to speak on my terms. I allowed him to do whatever he thought would make me understand. I think this made the experiment more pure anyway. Parrots can IMITATE communication. I wanted to make sure that what I was really seeing from him was an attempt to convey logical ideas.
So, in a grueling two days, in what some would call a cruel experiment, I asked him if he wanted food, or I would ask him if he was hungry. I gave him no food unless he could SOMEHOW convey to me that he wanted it. (Water was given freely, of course.) I left the bag of dog food out, and his food dish out, so that he had props and tools at his disposal.
I think it took him a little while to realize what I wanted from him. Perhaps he had to learn the concept of a question, but after about a day or so, when I asked him if he was hungry, he nodded his head. Of all things, he god damned nodded his head! I thought it was coincidence at first, but I gave him the food. I could not believe that he had actually answered me, on HUMAN terms. Once I thought back, many times while communicating him, I used to nod my head with any affirmation in general. Perhaps he picked up on this.
That day was a gateway. He discovered the concept of question, and that I expected (or allowed) him to communicate with me as well. This sparked an avalanche of ideas that we both sent to one another.
I began to ask him other things, in full sentences, in conversational form. I was VERY CAREFUL not to emphasize any one word, or speak to him in any manner that was not consistent with how I would speak to a human. I didn't speak to him as if he was a child. I didn't even limit the variety of words I used! I wanted to REALLY KNOW if this could be done.
Kitty and I began to have conversations. They were very simple conversations, but they were complete. They would last for good solid segments, and would usually remain on topic. He communicated with gestures and body language. He only barked as emphasis. Usually when he was frustrated. If he was trying to tell me something, and I didn't understand, he would repeat the gesture he had made, and bark. Over time, I actually began adapting his gestures, as a sign of faith to him... to let him know that there was a connection there, that I did understand him, and that I respected him as an equally significant being, EVEN THOUGH I was the head of our little 'wolf pack'. Wolves need that to be happy anyway.
One time he swallowed a chicken bone before I could stop him. He looked up at me with a big grin on his face, and wagged his tail. I got terribly worried, and I looked at him, horrified. This was a big chicken bone lol. When I did this, he immediately stopped wagging his tail, sat down, and the smile left his face, and I SAW reaction on his face. I saw the exact point when his face went from completely happy, to 'Oh no!' He knew that I was worried.
Kitty was ABSOLUTELY and UTTERLY ASTONISHING to me.
I believe that I taught him one other concept... Love.
I have no way of truly knowing this. How does a dog convey love, and not just affection? By the end I did love this dog. Very few animals have had a place like that in my heart. I would tell him, all the time, that I loved him. I would reinforce this concept in every way that I knew how. I carefully avoided REWARDING him when I said this. I wanted him to know at least that it was different. I would hold him, or look deep into his eyes when I told him this.
He never conveyed anything back to me, but just perhaps this was his way of telling me, because when I told him this, and then held him, he didn't do anything. He just layed there, or stood there, looking at me. Almost every other thing I said, after a while, was met with some sort of response, even if it was the gesture that I had learned meant that he didn't understand. (He would cock his head to convey confusion/interest. Then he would look down just a little, with a little nod, and sometimes lick his lips which was a way of urging me or expecting me to do something. In these cases he wanted me to repeat or explain what I had said.)
It's nice to believe it's possible that he knew love.
Anyway, I don't have a good ending to this story. My ex-girlfriend stole him when she left. Unfortunately I had already fed him raw, bloody meat. I gave it to him all the time. I wasn't going to take that away. He was a wolf. His instincts told him to eat raw meat, and I knew that. Also, a wolf only bonds with one human, if that. After she took him, he quickly turned on her, threatening to attack every time he saw her, and then ran away, to live in the wild.
I miss him. Kitty and I had great times staying up late and drinking beer together. He loved beer, and he loved getting drunk, but he hated pot. Maybe he just didn't like the smoke. I'm not sure.
Anyway, thank you for your ear, once again.
-sloth
Oh, you still must have that 'lump' of a Doubt Sensation, don't you? You describe it very well. There are ways of spreading it into the rest of the body.