Thread: major problem..

dont worry too much, if he bought you a ticket to see him it must mean he cares about you. I dont think the dream was a premonition or something, I think you had it becuase of your personal fears about the relationship.
My gf always has dreams that I am leaving her or something but I have no intentions to do so at all.

Also, on the porn thing- although I cant see the attraction in it myself, you shouldnt gget too jealous of it- its just a bit of un-reality that some guys like looking at- I know girls whos boyfriedns have massive porn collections and they arent bothered.

Heheh i didnt want to sound like some kinda agony aaunt, I know my reply was mostly cliqued (sp?) ah well, dont worry

Well thanks. I hate porn and i tell my bf to never look at it and he gets pissed at me and says he never does..

I think that your dreams is just you worst fear. I really don't think that it is all true. My bf tells me if you expect the worst when you get there everything seems so much better.

Ask bf if when he is looking at you he cannot help but compare you with the images that he has burned into his brain by looking at that stuff (porn). If you don't want him looking at it, give him some kind of ultimatum... it might be one good test to see if he is truly committed to a relationship with you.

what kind of test?

Wouldn't want to impose as if I'm an authority on relationships or anything, but I might suggest telling him to get rid of da porn...



The punishment or reward is up to you. If bf if is truly inlove with you, you'll notice a compliant behavior and willingness to submit to and honor your request WITHOUT you having to explain or provide some reason for this. He might do something like this at first: but he should already know the reason why if he is respectful and respectable. Oh, and you heard it from Dr. Phil, not me.

As long as he doesn't like stare at other girls infront of you, I wouldn't really worry about it. Everyone looks at others some times, looking doesn't mean anything. Same goes for porn. If you both love each other, I would just try to ignore it. If you can't, well then you need to talk to him. If you do, don't yell at him and just say its disgusting though. A better way to go about it is to explain why it makes you feel bad that he looks at it.

Well like evangel I am no authority on relationships or anything, but I wouldn't test him like that. Relationships goes both way and you shouldn't demand people to do stuff "just because". No one really likes being bossed around. I would suggest explaining why you don't like it.

Originally posted by Alric
Well like evangel I am no authority on relationships or anything, but I wouldn't test him like that. Relationships goes both way and you shouldn't demand people to do stuff \"just because\". No one really likes being bossed around. I would suggest explaining why you don't like it.

I really agree with Alric... just explain it and then if he really understands and loves you he will give it up. Although he might grumble a bit at first.

I agree with Alric, me and my GF had that talk a few days ago, I made me totaly understand how she feels

Sure, tact is great. If he can't handle the fact that you don't like him looking at porn, be tactful, but he should be able to respect your concern, especially if it has to do with something like this. If looking at porn is more important to him than pleasing you, he doesn't deserve you.
Anyway, I hope the dreams improve.

She did mention that this is a long distance relationship, so I'm confused when you guys talk about "him being satisfied with her and drop the porn", when they aren't constantly in actual face-to-face contact.
Thought I'd clear that up. But yeah, talk to him about it and give him good reasons, he won't do it unless he feels you really care about it.
Goodluck with the flight!

Long distance relationship:

It'd definitely be harder to communicate openly and face-to-face, but I think that's all the MORE reason to display trust and open communication whenever possible. One does not do this by participating in something (i.e. viewing porn) that the partner has expressed8
obvious disdain towards -especially something as sensitive as attraction/lust for the opposite sex.

Thank you.

When we are in public he gives girls glances.. sometimes he looks in the corner of his eye and i see that.. i yell at him about it and he tells me he hates girls an only loves me.. i go do u like girls an hes like no im like well im a girl an he goes .. i only love u. so i must an "it" right?... -sighs- He denys he stares at girls but he does.. but he says im the most beautifull girl in the world and stuff like that.. I dont know.
But he always calls me on our cellphone every day 24/7 we talk till the next day everyday we fall asleep on the phone speaking.. and miss him alot and i kno hes not the type to go up to the girl and flirt with her hes loyal to the core jsut taht he has a wandering eye im not sure if i should worry about that it makes me feel as tho im ugly and they are soo pretty or whatever.. -shrugs- he bought the plane ticket for me he just started working with his dad at a construction place.. wen we fall asleep on the phone he tells me to breath into it so he can sleep or else he cant sleep without me. -shrugs-
Also, he tells me he loves me every second on the phone or asks "are u okay" every 5 seconds.. he has my pictures al over his wall and 5000 pictures of me in his folders on the computer.. and i loked thru his computer he has no porn. and i looked thru everything even searched the whole computer so im not sure if he does or doesnt anymore. -shrugs- he always asks me why i dont trust him and i dont care for him but i do.. he just doesnt get what makes me afraid the most.. it wil ruin us.. but it hasnt for 3 yrs.. But i still think im some ugly person to him

This is me and him:


me

him on right graduating out of high school im on left in black

Certainly sounds like he's a keeper, I guess I just have strong feelings about porn since I've had negative experiences and have heard several bad stories about it affecting relationships and marriages negatively.

anyway...

Are you a lucid dreamer? What about them dreams?

By the way, you look beautiful! Don't let bf take that for granted.

If you where ugly he wouldn't be with you. You shouldn't think things like that. It sounds like he does love you.

But love doesnt mean about how pretty or ugly i am. IT doesnt always depend upon looks.

I must say that was an interesting dream. I experienced something like that in real life as did my sister. I look at reality when it comes to relationships and maybe my experiences have made me a bit harsh in my outlook. This is the way i see it...

Well the reality is you are not with him right now. That is hard... oh so hard. I feel for you! I also know the feeling of not being attractive to the one you love... or at least thinking you are not attractive. But he loves you or he would not have bought the plane ticket and would not be talking to you every second he gets.

If he did look at porn... could you blame him? He dose not have you at the moment so he is simply finding a release. It is not that he is wishing he were with anther it is just that he does not have to real thing... YOU! I am not condoning porn because personally i hate it. But think of it this way... they are just pictures and not a real woman that he is cheating on you with. But Yes...I think you should tell him that you don't like it but it is never good to give someone and ultimatum.

No mater how hard i try... i find you can't change a person! If it is that he looks at other girls it may never change. Instead of getting all on his case about it... take it as a complement... he may look at other but he is with you... so you must be something special! Hold onto that because you are!!!!! You must truly love yourself before you can let yourself be loved by another!

You are beautiful!!! If you ever need someone to talk to PM or IM me any time. I know how you feel since i have gone through similar stuff in the past. Us girls need to stick together!!!! Hang in there!!!
*Hugs*

love doesnt mean about how pretty or ugly i am. IT doesnt always depend upon looks.[/b]

ZZZActly. Pornography confuses that issue for guys sometimes though, I think.

Love includes respect for you and your feelings. He knows you don't like him looking at porn... He should be able to at least respect that. Sounds like he's already taken steps though, if he's taken all the stuff off the computer.

it is never good to give someone and ultimatum. [/b]

I would disagree, obviously. If there is behavior going on that is bad for the relationship (which may or may not apply in this specific case), someone needs to step up and be uncompromising to the truth. I never meant an ultimatum in the sense of threatening a breakup or divorce (although an ultimatum in THAT sense is ALWAYS GOOD if the relationship is bad all the way through... better to break up sooner than to agonize for years and find out it was a bad or delusional investment). I meant an ultimatum in the sense that one should lay out defined/explicit consequences if he or she sees the other person doing something selfish that blatantly hurts the relationship. That's all.

ones wen me and him were sleeping he wus still up and like he would put this channel on when he thought i was sleeping and i heard the tv and it talked about "oh how about we show her how to do sexual intercourse on the table" he told me doesnt watch that stuff but i didnt get it why he watched it wen he thought i was sleeping or whatever. -shrugs- and after the commercial went on he changed the channel. or like he always watches sports i dont get wats so interesting about sports anyway.
and ones time i wus on his computer and i heard him flipping the chanels really quickly because he was flipping to sports then to sum girl dancing i saw it thru the comptuer an i looked over at him and he goes what heh like he wasnt doing anything to himself.. im like...whatever.. it just pisses me off and hurts me

and when you reach that ultimatum and after hes "removed" the stuff from his compy, go through the temp file, and check it, delete it all, then go through the favorite file, and delete it all, then check the url bar, again, delete it all, run a search on the compy and delete it all

then lastly, empty the recycle bin....

i should do that?

Most (all!?) of us males like looking at porn regardless. We enjoy it too much i suppose. Kinda like the need to eat chocolate...mmmm...chocolate

Asking him to give it up is a bit harsh dont you think? I can understand you not liking him looking at it in your presense - thats when hes supposed to be attending to you! But if its a long-distance thing, can you really blame him?

Food for thought..

roseberry contact me some time... MSN, Yahoo, AIM, PM whatever your pleasure. I would love to talk to you about this and work some things out. I have been through similar things and maybe i can help. Be strong girly!