Absolute beginner

[grafey]

Ok, this is going to be a tricky beginning. I'm in lucid or mindfull state at the moment not knowing what they mean. I'm in a dream of life, memories and human body. This is not new to me but I thought of writing this off from the beginning. My host ,,if I can call it that way,, ( It might be my 'higher' or 'deeper' self. Some kind of demon, god or even more mysterious being that I'm only avatar of, it most certainly is not the God, not yet atleast) leads a chaotic, transpersonal, fragmented and cryptic existence. I'm the little human who pays the price, who has emotional issues, hunger, pain, longing and stuff. I wake up every morning and many of them are not nice. We get aware, lucid or whatever during every day.. that's where the tricky part comes into being.. It can experience lot of things, like travelling to godhead and melting with universal knowledge, travelling astrally on anyway that I'm not a part of or aware of in various states, planes, worlds and dreams,, even in time or paraller timelines. It might get itself hurt or wounded or floating through the void for aeons which reflect to my emotional and physical state and control my surroundings. Mostly we work together, but I'm not in connection with the insights where it fetches it's information. I have no permanent memories of those places where it has been, I remember them only vaguely and know during those moments that it is true. Downpoint is that I'm low in faith for that kind of experince, knowing or gnosis (if i can use that term) is only temporal to me. It helps me from time to time (i think it exist outside the time), sometimes i get these glimbses dreams and experiences where I'm with it and healing and helping myself outside the time. When I'm not with it I'm utterly alone. Left with only non-escaping feeling that this is illusion but a kind of illusion that inprisons me. When it's too much in me and working with some predestined flow, I'm the little man inside it. I long my friends. I have feelings of dismissing them, regrets and yearnings. I which to see someone I remember but who is out of reach. I wish have 'normal' sex more occasionaly outside its body that i share which responses signals weirdly and even when there's no-one around. I don't blame it for what it is or how it views the world. I'm the one part who is not in terms with it's experience (and sometimes i know even it isn't,, it just can wait for changing dreams and not care what's happening). I'm the one who still has some problems with my bisexuality, while it has gone some much over the edge that gap is great. So my life's dream or waking dream is like i'm the past me and it is something ahead of me. I still have friends and relatives though i'm not always in good relations with everyone. It has gone beoynd ties of most human experince. Atleast them of bloodrelatives. From time to time i have some control over my waking experience in a dreamcontrolike way. Sometimes i have lucid shut eye dreams. My shift between waking dream and sleeping dream is smooth so in the morning time (times around wakings) i get to experience both worlds. Sleeping dreams tends to forget but i might recall them over the day, when something synchs with them. I like to talk about dreams with some friends i haven't been in a contact for a while. Mostly 'cause living with it causes so much experince and existence that it's hard to see things three days past as reachable anymore. As you may have guessed, it writes here with my hands (sometimes i think i'm not the only one in symbiosis with it). Not to be confused with it or seen in the light of it's writings and doings i decided to make this acount for my own sake. So i'm absolute beginner. I try to stand in the square one and get your help if you are willing to guide me. Is this a crazy dream i'm having.. I think that this has been going for quite a while. I believe to be over 30 years old and have some memories of almost whole the time. Some of them contradict each others and some times along the way are blank or hazy. I'd like to be adopted by someone who grasp this. I'm willing to answer many questions about me, it and this experince. But please be nice, i still have many fears and hurt feelings. Past ways of reacting and reasons of secrecy

[grafey]

no responses here. No reason to stay up any longer. *hoping that next morning someone has answered*