Hey Guys.

[Eli Spade]

It's good to finally come to a place where I can talk about lucid dreaming, instead of having to wait for one of my friends to come online. Well, I've got a big story for all of you guys. It's probably a bit sad, but I've got you guys to help me along the way. About two years ago, exactly two years, I found out about lucid dreaming from one of my older friends, typically my brother's friend. He had already graduated from high school, got a job, a car, and etc. He's been teaching me almost everything I've ever needed to know my whole life, and has been putting up with me his entire life, through my annoyance and naive irritation. Well, the day I found out about lucid dreaming, I wasn't all too giddy about it. It sounds very nice to me though. "Do whatever you want, no limits." Echoed through my head, over and over again. Except, I didn't find meaning with doing whatever I wanted. I found I had other more important things to do. Then, the year started. The year hit me, and it hit hard. And it didn't seem to stop hitting, either. First, I was dealing with angst. Everyone went through this in their life. I always thought it was depression, until my friend (Darren) told me it was just angst, and I should just learn to deal with it. I was actually, hitting a lot of lows in my grade 6 year. I desperately wanted love, to have a girl, and such. I was finding it hard to get girls, and to ask them out on dates. In fact, talking to them was a burden. Even though I didn't care in grade 4 and 5, I was never able to make friends easily, or talk to people. I thought that it was a normal thing, and I was just going to get over it soon. Then, the angst hit me really bad. I threatened to commit suicide if I couldn't find love, or get a girlfriend. This was back in grade 6. People managed to calm me down before any real damage was dealt to myself. They actually didn't help at all. I never got a girlfriend. I never found love. I didn't understand, either. I was pretty good looking for my age, long blonde hair, blue eyes, shapely physique. Some girls sometimes hit on me too, but I was never able to do anything back. It must be like this for other people, I thought. I was wrong though. In grade 8, things started making sense. A lot more sense. I slowly started finding out other problems, one by one. My pediatrician told me I had ADHD, and prescribed me Dexedrine. This was one of the main problems that I had for not making any friends, because I annoyed them on occasion. Then, the big mystery was unraveled. The next thing I found out, was that I had Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I was socially inept; I could never make any real conversation with people. I was love shy, too, which meant that I also couldn't make conversation with girls, or even look at them. A symptom of Schizotypal was that I think or behave strangely, mostly that I don't think before I behave. This lead to odd and strange conversations that ended with silence. Hence why I don't like talking on the phone. Next thing I found out, was that I was suffering from mild to medium paranoia. This was brought to light after one strange night I had, when I was reading the rest of The Holders Series. As I was going to bed, I couldn't shake the constant thoughts of the Holders. I was thinking of them, all the time. I wouldn't stop. I was thinking of different ways to obtain objects from the Holders, making up my own Holders, and thinking of bad things Holders would do to you if you did a certain thing. It was hard to think of a different thing. I decided it would be gone in the morning, so I just decided to get some sleep, the Holders still in my mind. Then, I woke up, frozen. Not cold, frozen. But very, very, very still. I couldn't move my arms or legs, my fingers or my toes. The only thing movable was my eyes. I realized; I was having Night hag. A blanket of dread washed over me. I was forced to stare into my own dark hallucinations, or hypnagogic hallucinations. I could see black featureless creatures crawling on the roof and on the walls, and beside my bed. All I could hear was the sound of them breathing and sputtering, and nails scratching along my walls. It was getting harder and harder to move. I couldn't even think of moving. Then, I heard one crawl up beside my head, breathing loudly in my ear. I then 'woke up' again, covered in sweat, breathing maniacally. I got a drink, then went to bed again. When I woke up, my parents were going to soccer, so I was going to be home alone. In the afternoon, paranoia started kicking in. I could hear the sound of scratching coming from my bedroom, from my brother's room, from the kitchen, everywhere. I heard walking around on the roof, and then more scratching on the ceiling. Every corner I walked around, I felt something jump at me, but see nothing. Every dark corner, I could distinctively see something jump at me. This was all very scary to me. I was starting to crack. I was clutching my head, almost if I was going insane. I then rushed into the drawer, grabbed a pair of scissors, grabbed an axe, ran outside, and smashed the scissors in two. I then used the hammer side to straighten the shear, wrapped the handle in tape, sharpened it, and used it in case the creatures came any closer than they already were. I then started bringing this to school in my pocket, for fear that they were at school, or somebody would try to hurt me there. Just wait a second there. There's some good in this story. For once in my life, I had my own somewhat lucid dream. Followed by another one. The first dream I remember, started out in a Garden of Eden-like setting. There was a cobblestone path, and fresh grass and flowers sprouting everywhere. I simply pinched my arm, and everything went immediately vivid. It was amazing. It was almost like real life, except it didn't feel just like it. I didn't have full control, as I noticed in my dream. Sometimes I did things I didn't want to do, or when I wanted something to happen, it didn't go as well as I wanted it to. This dream quickly ended after I was gradually losing control, but left a milestone in my life as my first ever slightly virtual dream. My next dream, was much more incredible. I was in a forest with my brother and my dad, and they were chopping down immensely large trees, and trying to build a cannon out of them (?). As I started to notice it was a dream, everything was becoming more vivid. I felt I had more control over this dream then last time. I had very low gravity, and I was able to jump really far. So I started jumping between trees, and leaping up trees as high as I could, then jumping to the bottom. Me and my dad then had a chat about the dream, in the dream. And I talked about how lucid dreams always made it so when I threw stuff, they always stuck where they landed (?x2). So what I've been saying this entire time, is that I'm trying to use lucid dreaming as an escape from life. All of my sexually repressed feelings could finally be let loose inside of my own virtual dream world. All of the girls I never got, I could finally be with them. I could also do the things that I was never able to do with my real friends, or actually have as many friends as I wanted. And while I am at it, screw around and do whatever I want. Because from my point of view, life is bland and cruel. At my age, I've attempted suicide many times. Sure, I may be pessimistic, but I'm going to have to live with never being able to experience love, or real friendship. Never being a part of a conversation, or never being a part of anyone. I simply can't live with it. I'm tired of looking for the meaning of life, the purpose of it, the source of it, and the way to living it perfectly. Life has done nothing for me. It's simply trapped me in a world where I am born different from others, forced to live the rest of my life with too many problems to solve, and too little time. I have the answers to many, many people my age, but when I ask for my own answers, they can never provide them. I was indeed born with a gigantic flaw, but I was also born with different specialties. I write novels, I write poems, I act, I'm learning to sing; I'm multi talented. But why live a good life without any friends or love? This is where I need help from you guys. I depend on you. I'm relying on my virtual dream world of solving my problems. If it can't solve my problems, I fear that nothing will. And I fear it will also be the end of me. Please, help me out guys. You can also add me at [email protected] on MSN, if you want to talk.

[SkyCream]

Welcome to DV Eli! It's good to see you've discovered the playground we all have in our minds. Congrats on the lucid dreams. They're sweet aren't they? Make sure to keep up a Dream Journal and the frequency of your lucids will increase. I'm sorry for your condition and the hard times you've experienced. I too have gone through deep depression and the feeling of lacking much from life. But let me tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel for everybody. Situations can change for a person sooo fast. Just like me. There's a creative section on the forum. You should post some of your works up so people can check 'em out. Keep dreaming, SkyCream.

[JCee]

Welcome to Dreamviews Eli, I'm JCee...call me Tan though. Wow, your story makes me think... I'm here if you need anyone to just talk to. Though, I really wouldn't ask me any questions on ld-ing... Welcome

[PhantomBPR]

Have you ever happened upon a series of books known as "The Pendragon series"? The 4th book is about a topic much like what you are wanting to turn your lucid dreams into. The story is about a civilization of people who give up their real lives to live in a virtual dream world where everything works as they'd like it too. While it is bliss, after awhile, their civilization starts to crumble..... I guess what I'm trying to say is that lucid dreaming is a great escape from life, but you should NEVER give up on life, no matter how grim things may seem. I'm really sorry to hear about all you've been through, everyone has had their own hardships in life, and somehow or another, we all get through them. So to sum up my thoughts, let me say that I'm glad you've found something to enjoy in life (lucid dreaming) but just don't get too addicted to it. You have the power to make your life as wonderful as any dream you could ever dream. EDIT: Let me also add that you seem like a really cool person, and I hope you talk in the DV chatroom often, I don't have an MSN screen name, but if you have AIM, my screen name is PhantomBPR, so look me up if you ever get an AIM, also, if you are a fan of the 90's game show "Legends of the hidden temple" you might want to check out my forum, link to it is on my profile. I'm looking forward to getting to know you more.

[Eli Spade]

Thanks guys. I've gotten alot more confidence ever since I went into the DV Chat, you all are a bunch of really nice guys, and I fit it better that most places.

[PhantomBPR]

Thanks guys. I've gotten alot more confidence ever since I went into the DV Chat, you all are a bunch of really nice guys, and I fit it better that most places. Hey man, the world may suck, but there are some good people in it. You'll have a great time here at DV.

[Lunalight]

Welcome to DV! I'm really sorry to hear about your hardships; my brother went through a period where he didn't have friends and became depressed, so I know it can be hard. Remember, we have a good bunch of people here, so if you've got questions or anything feel free to ask. I'd love to read some of the stuff you've written, so feel free to post in the creative forum. Again, Welcome.

[Moonbeam]

Welcome, Eli Spade. I'm glad you found Dreamviews. You've been going thru some rough times. There are a lot of great people here, and it looks like a few of them are already offering you some good advice. I don't know what to say exactly that would convince you of this: but I'm sure you won't live your life without friendship and love. Please look around, get some dreaming tips, and share your experiences.