Originally Posted by
Carrot
@Link: I just re-read what you wrote about love in the previous post. I think I can handle if my love isn't reciprocate. Not like I'm expecting much, although I'm wishing for it. And you might be right about the hatred part. Probably my mum wants me to care for her as much as she does, I didn't say this to her, but technically I've been forced to live with her from the moment I was born, I wasn't given a choice to choose, and we were forced to be together regardless whether our personality matches or clashes. Love towards a person might develop after years, but it's more of attachment and getting used to than love to me, so I might actually be more sensitive and caring to someone I love than them, because I can't fake a concern.
And about love again, to add on that I'm young, I'm inexperienced too. If you were to set a scale for people who are easily influenced, I can easily be on the extreme end of being easily swayed by what others tell me. Ended up I started doubting, I doubt everything, and now I start doubting about my love too. The only reason I know that I love her now was because I told myself that previously. I am not sure now. I get denied so much I start thinking what others want me to think, although I don't show it.
Sad as this may sound, I want to be fragile. I was the one letting myself to be fragile. Instead of saying I'm hiding, I'm good at convincing myself. So what the world has been seeing for a really long time was what I had convinced myself. Thinking that I'm strong, so everyone starts assuming I'm strong. I was so convinced that I can handle things rationally, and that I like abstract ideas because I started opening up to ideas when I was shown with them (not knowing that I've been subconsciously rejecting a lot of them too) that when I decided to take Jung's personality test again one fine day, and reading up on the description, I was wondering who this alien is.
I had to sit down and really think how I really act then how I think to get my personality type. I read up on it and found that it fits me. If you want to know, it's ISFJ. So instead of changing myself, I have a new mindset now, I should start accepting myself, the real me that I had been rejecting for years because I didn't like it. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't like the idea of finding out things that could change how I am now.
And to be honest Link, you are not crazy. I probably thought about the things that you did before. I was so pissed off by life that I wanted to live a life of eternal calm forever, be a nun or something. Lols. As for now, I guess I don't dabble with anything that's "dangerous". My mind isn't stable yet and I know, I just recovered from my half-way to insanity route recently. The thought of going back to where I was few months ago doesn't appeal to me. I had so many strange thoughts back then, and everyday it was changing. Now my thoughts to me are more clear cut, except for the occasional doubt here and there.
I guess for me now, what I want is to love and be loved by the same person, if that doesn't happen, nevermind, at least let me graduate and find a job that I want successfully. I'm currently aiming the life of an average man/woman I guess. All those "dangerous" stuff you were mentioning, I should probably do it when I'm more mature and less easily swayed by what others tell me. Or I'll probably never do it as long as I feel happy with my life.