Platonic Friends After Relationship

[AirRick101]

Some of you know what I'm going through concerning relationships. But I really want to know if being friends after having a relationship is possible. I haven't had it full-fledged, but I got a taste of it here and there. I know what it's like to have someone you were once close with, no longer having the permit to express as much emotional affection as before, and it hurts just not receiving it, because I was used to it. I really prefer anyone's response who have succeeded with this task. But outside opinions are ok, too. I didn't want it to always have enmity after breakups, I always thought how two treat each other after their relationship proves the level of their friendship underneath it all...

[A Lost Soul]

Well, I'm still friends with someone I was once in love with. So I think it's very possible. It may take some time, and I can't promise that all the hurt goes away, but it's possible.

[AirRick101]

I can only vaguely feel what you mean. I've become numb through all this trying to figure it out. I believe the pain will always be there on some level, it can't merely just be "erased...", there's some attachment left. Tell me, if one of you former partners were to find someone else, how would the friendship bear the strain?....

[A Lost Soul]

Originally posted by AirRick101 I can only vaguely feel what you mean. I've become numb through all this trying to figure it out. I believe the pain will always be there on some level, it can't merely just be \"erased...\", there's some attachment left. Tell me, if one of you former partners were to find someone else, how would the friendship bear the strain?.... My first lover has already found someone else, and I’m ok with it. In fact, the only reason we don’t speak anymore (my choice) is because recently, he led me on while seeing his current girlfriend. As soon as I found out about this girl, I said my goodbyes and quietly walked away. I don’t want any part of that nonsense. I’m happy enough right now with the people in my life and I don’t need that sort of drama. There are other people in this world that can benefit from my heart. I had a day’s worth of crying and being angry with myself for letting him affect me like that (I was far more angry with myself for crying over him than I was at him for being a stupid ass). I painted a very red picture and then I moved on. It was actually pretty easy. Regarding my second lover, it’s going to hurt like hell when I get word that he’s with someone else, but I’d like to think that I would be happy for him. What else can I do? It’s not like I have any say in the matter so what good would it be to continuously tear myself up over it? I would hope that our friendship would continue. Though we don't talk as much as we used to, our friendship has already endured quite a lot. It took a while, but I did finally wipe away any attachment I may have had. I can’t say honestly that it doesn’t still hurt sometimes, but I can say that it’s remarkably easier to deal with now. I think it was more an issue of coming to terms with myself and my feelings. It ended up having little to do with him and more to do with myself. His part in the affair was done; he didn’t love me, he told me so, and that was that. His role was over and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do or say about it. As lovers, we parted company and from there I think that it’s your choice as to where to go next. You can stay in the past and dwell or you can pick up the pieces and start to rearrange the puzzle that is you. I stayed in the past for far too long and it only served to hurt me even more deeply than anything he alone could have done to me. I think that in some cases (especially those regarding lovers), we do more damage to ourselves then they do to us. And that in itself can be very infuriating and only adds to the pain we already feel. I don’t blame you for being numb to things right now. I went through a period of numbness as well. And no, unfortunately pain can’t just be erased. But, it can be integrated into the whole. In other words, take that pain and use it as a learning experience. Turn it into strength. It’s not an easy thing to do but once you do it, life becomes a lot easier. And wow, I got really wordy in this post didn’t I? Sorry about that.

[irishcream]

i have a friend who's 'trying' to do that right now...for the last four years, she's had this boyfriend, and they've been 'on again' 'off again'. He says that they want to be friends now...I think she is okay with that. Except there is one tiny little matter confusing the issue. They keep sleeping together, and he keeps buying her presents! So i said to her, 'what's changed?' She agrees with me, but won't end it. I think maybe he really does just want to be friends, but doesn't want to hurt her, so feels obliged to come and see her, give her what she wants, if it makes her feel comforted. And i think she's scared of being 'totally' alone (they don't live together anymore), as in, not having him on the end of a phone, or coming to see her. I've told her it's not good to live like that, that she should end it, take some healing time, revel in not having to wait for the phone to ring, or worry that when she rings him he doesn't pick up. Begin to enjoy the single life. It has many advantages! Although so does the beginning of any kind of 'new' relationship, to feel that connection with someone, provided it cuts both ways, and one of you isn't feeling guilty! I don't know if this post has helped you at all...it's just what i've been seeing, kinda a different angle on your situation if you like. Personally, for me, i would find it very difficult to just be friends, especially if we'd been together a long time, i'd find it hard not to think of all the things we'd shared as a couple, and like you said, the affection that you're no longer permitted to give or recieve. In spite of the friendship, i think it could make it a very 'lonely' relationship, because you don't have what you had before, and anything less after something like that is surely second best?

[nightowl]

well for me...i've had really good relationships with all my ex's after we broke up. Not to mention that we become closer, sometimes even the best of friends and that is all. I wouldnt want it any other way. But then again, none of them were really serious relationships, except for maybe one or two. We sort of became friends by accident. After the brake up, a moment of silence between the two of us would happen and we wouldn't talk or see each other for a while. Then one day we would randomly bump into each other and talk and this varied for me from parties to just chillin with a group of mutual friends. We would talk again, flirt maybe, and just stay in connect with one another. If you want to go out with them or do stuff together then its a VERY good idea you do this "stuff" with other friends as well or else she'll get the feeling that you still like her. The friendship stuff is usually gradual....hm...i can get more in detail if you want or if you have any questions, but It just comes naturally to me charm, a nice personality, and being funny helps a lot to...sincere, kind, yada yada etc

[AirRick101]

Before I say anything else: RELATIONSHIPS SUCK...now let me continue... I feel like I lost my entire game. I've even expressed to her how possessive I get when she's with other guys. I don't think i'll get over it. And i'd be contradicting myself even though I want to be hanging out with other guys and girls. About what irishcream said, I've been doing almost the exact same thing with this girl of mine, but it's only been for almost one year. It's miserable...I'm not sure if I'm doing it out of guilt or what...but I know a guilt motivated relationship, is not a relationship. I've always been told to enter a relationship to make another happy, and that was my attempt with her. Now, I hate absolutely all sages and self-help gurus. I mean, I thought I was happy with her. I imagined what a successful relationship between us would be like. I shouldn't have let emotions run so high..dammit, what did I do wrong. Anything sexual we did together, it was an act of desperation. The first time we were sexual was not part of "advancing" a relationship, but because I want to "have that" with her as we were going to break up. It's just not fair, in my eyes. I couldn't feel any other way. After going back and forth, I'm numb to anything sensual between us. And it makes me want to commit SUICIDE, because the best human experience is not "besting" itself with me. Now I fear I've given my body to someone I shouldn't have...my god my god my god, on the other hand, I felt she deserved it. I'm so fucking conflicted. I was born to sabotage relationships..I envy you, nightowl. I'm just so mad, and NO, I can't just change by willpower....I've always had trouble being naturally myself in public. I just....I don't know WHAT i am with other friends. Everything I do seems to bring a reactive feeling of fear in me, when I can't pull off an ongoing conversation. I don't know why I am this way. Maybe it's because the state I'm in. I mean, I can remember times when I was really chill with people...FUCK, I want to just shoot myself in the head. Why are things seeming so different each time when I think about them over and over again?

[irishcream]

okay, lemme ask you a question...in terms of social interaction, when did things begin to go 'wrong' if you like? Was it before you met this girl, and did she come along and pick up the pieces and now there's something missing? Or was it after you met her, began to have a relationship, and for whatever reason, figured it wasn't working, and now you can't break out? I could be totally off here, it's just a thought. Sometimes, when two people get into a relationship...at the time, they think it's for the right reasons. But some people i think get into it because it's a status issue... For example. A woman gets involved with a guy who's been badly hurt before. She cares about him, so she helps him get over it. The relationship deepens. But under the surface things change. The girl now feels like because she's helped this guy out, that maybe she 'owns' him...a sort of 'he'll never survive without me' kind of thing. She doesn't say all this outright to her partner, but by gradual degrees becomes more and more possessive. The guy is so smitten by her, after she's basically mended his broken heart, that maybe deep down he can see what she's doing, and know it's not right, but on the surface can't do anything about it... There, i'm waffling again, i'll be quiet now. And if i'm talking crap, kick my butt!

[AirRick101]

ok, I mentally kicked your butt, but only because you are kind of on the nail. things started between us two when she was having a MAJOR crises. I am hesistant to disclose details, though. So I really wanted to help her out, and we got close together. So much has happened in one night. Circumstances really shouted us to hook up, and I think that's how it started. After reading up on relationship material, I closely identify with the "rescuer," I get very possessive and want to take care of her. On the other hand, after all this break up and getting together, I've been very hurt inside, as well as her, yet she's now the "rescuer" always wanting to make sure I'm ok. So yeah...i'll try to season some humor so it hurts less.

[irishcream]

ahh...so that's what your sig means? let me tell you, i've been there, done that. Basically picked this guy up from rock bottom, if you will. Like you were saying, so much happened in that one night, everything changed in a matter of hours, we basically realised how we both felt. BUT In spite of all this realisation, there seems to be a 'sense' for both of us, that there's something good there, that we don't want to waste by rushing it and getting heavy too early on. Sure, we enjoy one another's company, each misses the conversation when we can't talk, but for now, that's as far as it's going. And we're happy to do that, maybe talk twice a week, and in between times go on and live our lives. I'm wondering if that's what happened with you two...maybe you hooked up really fast, and neither of you really took the time to actually analyse what was happening to you both on the inside, as in, can we make it work, is it what we want? Are both of us really ready to move forward? And by the time you realised what had happened....it was too late, both of you were too involved... sorry to make that sound so clinical...but where strong emotions are concerned, i think you do sometimes have to step back, just to make sure that you haven't both got your wires crossed. It's like this...You know the episodes of Roadrunner, where Wile E Coyote runs off the edge of the cliff, and then hangs there for a minute? That sounds like what's happened with you two...you've both jumped off the edge, realised there's nothing under your feet anymore, and you've plummeted into this situation. Am i making sense? Where this guy was concerned, just because i've wrought this change in him, don't think i had demons of my own, because i did, i'd been badly hurt before, and for me to do such a thing, and be aware of the consequences took a great deal of courage. I had a lot of doubt to begin with...i was terrified i'd have a repeat performance, so to speak. But in spite of having his own things to deal with, he was there when i got nervous or wobbly...continually assuring me that the same thing is not going to happen again. And by him reiterating all this stuff...it's given me my faith back, and i'm pretty much okay with him now...i'm less likely to fling doubt in his face. What you were saying about her becoming the 'rescuer'...maybe she feels you owe her a debt, when you know she doesn't. And maybe it's hard for you to say 'look, it's okay. I did what i did, because i wanted to, not because i want anything back.' Or maybe you have said that to her, and she just doesn't get it...it happens that way sometimes. I don't know...this is another long post, i hope it makes sense to you, and helps you along a bit more... I think this is why they say love is blind...

[Gwendolyn]

You know, I often sit down and wonder why people have such problems in relationships. Of course, I've been there with all the hurt and drama, but the relationship I'm in now (and plan to be in forever) is so deliciously easy. It's so perfect. Yeah, we disagree and argue but we always make sure the other knows that they are loved and respected. I don't even worry about stuff like someone else trying to 'steal' him or trying to make him not love me, because it could never work, and likewise. I don't get jealous of other girls he hangs out with, because I totally trust him. I know he would never do anything to harm me, because love like this runs so deep, that it's just a waste of time to think he'd ever do anything to hurt our relationship. I guess the key points in a relationship are these: A) Communication B) Trust C) Love (real love) and D) Being with the right person. Don't make something that is so simple in nature difficult with all the petty drama that ruins so many relationships. To get back on topic, yes, it is possible to be just friends with someone you had been involved with. Just realise that the person you were involved with wasn't right for you. How could they have been if you are not together now? Know that you can be happy without that 'signifigant other' figure in your life.....Then being around that person (even if they get a new girlfriend/boyfriend) isn't so hard. Almost all of the guys I've dated are friends with me now.I just had to realise that they weren't right for me somehow. It takes awhile, but it's worth it.

[AirRick101]

my biggest wish is to go back in time and change one very spiteful and life-changing day. Yes, she hit rock bottom one certain day, going crazy, even offended me through some of it. I did not "plan" on getting together with her. Sometimes I think she got this attachment to me ever since I helped her that day, and that it's not a real love...just attachment But the "morning-after" syndrome is realizing that I don't want to be in the relationship. I wanted to be free. I felt trapped, dragged into something that I didn't really want. (sound familiar) but it wasn't so easy after that. she was a close peer. I didn't know what to do. I wanted the least struggle as possible. It was so intense, I don't remember why I left the first few times. Part of it was because I kissed her because I felt sorry for her, it could have worked, started on the wrong foot...I had fantasies of what we could have had together. I saw how much she liked me, and I was easy to learn to like a girl. The affection she gives me is just so undivided, and nobody else has ever done that in my life. So I'm just so afraid to let go. Most of my life, I've had to approach others to make friends. Very rarely do I get approached.

[A Lost Soul]

Originally posted by Gwendolyn Just realise that the person you were involved with wasn't right for you. How could they have been if you are not together now? Know that you can be happy without that 'signifigant other' figure in your life.....Then being around that person (even if they get a new girlfriend/boyfriend) isn't so hard. Almost all of the guys I've dated are friends with me now.I just had to realise that they weren't right for me somehow. *It takes awhile, but it's worth it. Amazing advice right here. Well said.

[irishcream]

so you're afrid of being alone? let me ask you something...can you remember a time when you didn't have all this emotional hangup? Because that's what it is, it's not the kind of thing that's bringing you joy, it's breaking your heart, eating away at you. If you can remember this time, how did you feel? Were you happy? or deep down, searching for something? If you were happy, ask yourself why...maybe try and recreate that feeling in a lucid dream. And then ask yourself what it is you truly want. You may not like the answer. You were talking about freedom. Being in a relationship shouldn't mean that you aren't still free...you just need to find the right one. In the right one, you are free to be whoever you are, but at the same time, you are intrinsically a part of that other person. Am i making sense? Seems to me like you know the answer in your heart, that she's not doing you any good, and vice versa, but you haven't the courage to let it go, which i can understand in a way...change is scary. But only by letting go of whatever's holding you back, will you be able to go forward and find that woman who is waiting for you. Because i'm sure she is...someone who is accepting of you, who loves you for you, and is mature enough, and loving enough, to accept you in any way you choose to present yourself on a given day. From all i've read about you and this girl, sounds like she isn't it. It sounds like she has big problems of her own to work out, and maybe you're not the solution, because in a way, she's added to your problems. So it's got to the point where neither of you can benefit each other anymore. Maybe i've been a bit blunt. But i'm known for not pulling punches!

[AirRick101]

ironically, she's the one girl who I had to least pretend to be somebody else. Or maybe she just brought out the worst in me. I really don't know. She wasn't controlling at all...I don't know what it was. SHE didn't hurt me, it burt it hurt ME being WITH her. I don't know how to explain it otherwise. I'm heartbroken when I break up with her, and numb when I'm back with her. this cycle has resulted in various psychomatic physical pains, and I sometimes hate her so much for it. And she just cries and says she's not trying to hurt me. Yeah..she had problems. Major problems. I didn't have too many problems..but after interacting with her, my life has gotten worse. And I don't know why. Maybe it's because she didn't challenge me enough. I never wanna admit this, I'm just afraid I'll hear her say "see! I knew it all along!" even if she's not around! I was trying to figure out what makes a relationship work. I thought it was maybe we had little in common. I don't know. It really seemed like we did.

[irishcream]

what you were saying, about her not challenging you enough? do you find after a while it gets a bit 'same old, same old'? because that's what happened to me and this other guy...i was far more hooked on him, than he was on me...but at the same time, he bored me to tears! At the time, i was so insecure in myself, that i'd convinced myself that this was as good as it was going to get, and finding another was going to be difficult, so i'd better hang on to this one for dear life... All it suceeded in doing, was showing me how wrong we really were together... and i agree with what you said about maybe she brings out the worst in you. He did the same to me... I became twisted, paranoid. Bitter. I'd drink when he'd depressed me, to get away from it all, because i couldn't handle how i felt, the fact that i thought i loved him, yet i found him boring. That was a strange concept.

[CT]

Originally posted by AirRick101 But I really want to know if being friends after having a relationship is possible. . Apperantly not.

[Yume]

*Me and person break up* *person calls* Person: Hey Yume how are you? Me: Fine, you? Person: I'm good. Me: Good. Person: So I was wondering that we've been through a lot and some good things have happened in our lives. Would you like to get back together. Me: Stuff it. *hang up* Sure it hurts, but it's brutally honest. I don't get back together with people I date. I feel it's like repeating the past.

[Alex D]

Friends? Yes. Of course you can still be friends. Starting the relationship again? Well if the love is still in you BOTH, then maybe, maybe.