Humorous story for those with computer skills...

[sloth]

Here is a transcript from a recent chat that I initiated with a professional computer technician from a VERY popular computer company. I have edited this piece to protect the stupid. I am not here to sling mud at this particular computer corporation. -------------------------------------------------------------- Chat Transcript Begins Here -------------------------------------------------------------- Tech: Hello sloth, Tech: Welcome to *edited* Total Care for *edited* Notebooks . My name is *edited*. How may I help you today? Sloth: I am unable to add a printer to this system. Tech: I am sorry to hear that. (long pause) Sloth: So… Can you help me? Tech: Could you please provide me with complete description of the issue? Sloth: Hrmm. I added this computer to the workgroup. It does say that it is in the workgroup, but I cannot see any other systems in 'My Network Places', and File/Printer sharing is not working. I cannot ping the print server. I have disabled my firewall, and added IPX/SPX protocol. Sloth: I am connected to a workgroup without a domain. Tech: Are you able to see this computer in another systems? Sloth: Yes. I can see this system from other systems. Tech: Please Share C: drive in this Notebook and check if you are able to see the C: drive in another systems or not. Sloth: Yes. I can see this system’s shared files from other systems. Tech: You are able to see this computer in another systems, right?> Sloth: Yes. Tech: Please open this computer on another systems and let me know if you are able to see the Shared drive in another systems or not. Sloth: Yes! I AM! I am able to see this computer in other systems! Tech: Please open "My networking places" and click on the "Entire Network" in the left side of that Window. Sloth: As I have said, this window is completely blank. Tech: May I know on which system did you plug the printer into? Sloth: What? What are you asking me? It’s just a random system on the network. I plugged it into the print server! Sloth: It’s the white one over there! Tech: There are 3 Simple Steps to get the Printer to work over a Hard-Wired/Wireless network. Tech: I will provide the steps here. Sloth: Oh no. Tech: May I proceed now? Sloth: Okay, but I should tell you that this isn't going to be as simple as sharing out the printer and connecting to it. There is something wrong. Tech: Please follow the three steps provided. (Sends me steps on how to share out the printer and connect to it.) Sloth: Sir, I cannot even ping the print server. Sloth: It's not that I don't know how to setup a printer, sir. Tech: I suggest you to reinstall the Printer driver on the Server. Sloth: Printer drivers would not prohibit me from pinging the server. Tech: Yes, you are right. Tech: I have some steps that would be helpful to you to solve the problem with the *computer*. Tech: May I proceed now? Sloth: Yes. Go ahead. Tech: Here are the steps: (sends me 3 pages about how to set up a printer and share it out) (There is a long pause while I stare at my screen in disbelief. Tech: Is there anything else I can assist you with today? Sloth: . . . . . tech: The solution provided should work. However, if the problem persists, please get back to us with the results, and we will continue troubleshooting to resolve this issue. Tech: Have a Great Time! Sloth: Sir! I can't PING the PRINT SERVER! Tech: Okay. Sloth: Reinstalling drivers will not help if it's not delivering packets! Tech: sloth, I suggest you to open the above given link and select the correct option for connecting to the Printers support professionals. Sloth: There is nothing wrong with the printer! Sloth: Okay. Here is my brand new problem, that has NOTHING to do with Printers. I STILL CAN’T PING THE PRINT SERVER!!. Tech: Please give me couple of minutes. Tech: I am searching on this issue. Sloth: Oh my god. Tech: Please check the IP address for your notebook? Tech: Click Start------> Run Sloth: The IP address for this local machine is 10.0.0.139 Sloth: The server's IP address is 10.0.0.130 Tech: Thanks for the information Tech: Let me know have you installed with Norton Internet Security? Sloth: Yes! Good question! Yes I have. I have disabled it though. Tech: I suggest that you reinstall the drivers for the printer, and restart your computer. Sloth: Thank you very much. You’ve been a great help! Really! It’s totally working now. Thank you. Tech: Is there anything else I can assist you with today? Sloth: Nah! That was great. You’ve been wonderful. Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------- Chat Transcript Ends Here Wow! -sloth

[Burns]

I think we've all been there at one time or another. I love the way you ended it, though!

[nina]

lol! ...thanks for the giggle yes, I am a nerd... *runs off*

[icuurd12b42]

Ha ha! Here's mine. It’s long but funny. My CD drive stopped working after an electrical storm. A hardware problem. The store I got it from no longer exists though it is a named brand. Me: I Call tech support number Automated System: Please enter your customer ID number. Me: Damned Where is that? Try to bypass #, 0, 9 all kinds of combination then finally get transferred to sales. Sales rep: This is ___ how may I help you? Me: Me CD drive got fried after an electrical storm. Can you tell me the location for repair service in my area? The place I bought it from no longer exists. Sales rep. You’ll have to bring it to the place you bough it sir, we only serve companies here. Me: Like I said, the place I bought it from no longer exists. Can you tell me where I can service the computer in my area? Sales rep: We can't do that sir, you need to call tech support. Me: Why, is this information secret? Sales rep: No but we can't tell this information to just anyone. You have to call tech support. Me OK. I tried my I have to provide an ID code. I have no idea where it is. Sales rep: The ID code is in the pamphlet. Me: No, not there. I have it in front of me. Sales rep. The code is also in the back out the computer. Me: Dam, It’s going to take be a half hour to get the computer out of the desk. Well I’ll have to do it anyway to bring it to fix the CD. Are you sure you can’ tell me of any stores in my area? Sales rep. No, you’ll have to call tech support. Do you wish me to transfer you? Me: No, I don’t have the ID code yet. Thanks anyway. Me: Get the ID code from back of computer. Dial Tech Support, Enter the code. Automated Msg: AST computers is happy you have chosen us….. Your call is important to us… The waiting period is 45 minutes. (Oops. Did I just say the brand name here? Me: wait Another Msg: 45 min wait 35 minutes later: Tech: I did is ___. Thank you for calling. May I have you ID code please? Me: But I just entered it. Tech: I know nut I still need it for confirmation. Me: OK, here it is…. Tech: OK, Mr X, your information is coming up on my screen. Thank you for registering your product by the way. How my I help you? Me: We had an electrical storm last night and the CD drive died. I’m calling to get the location of a repair shop in my area as it states that the warranty may be voided if not repaired by an AST representative. Tech: Sorry, we can’t do that. I know how to fix the problem, just follow my instructions. Me: Really? How? Tech: Just insert the installation CD provided. It will wipe out your computer but your machine will work as new again. Me: I don’t want to loose my data! But that won’t work anyway, the CD is physically not working. It’s not a driver problem. There is no lights at startup and the CD tray is not even working. I know computers. I’ve assembled 6 so far, This is the first fully built system I ever bought. I am also a windows developer. I know what I’m talking about. Tech: Sir, I’ve been doing this for 10 years, I know what I’m doing. Me (OK, I‘ll go along): OK, the CD is in the tray. Tech: do you see the setup screen? Me: No, the CD is not loading in the computer. Tech: Sir, you must press the eject button so the CD tray to insert into the computer! Me: OK. Done. Tech: do you see the setup screen? Me: No. As I said, the CD is physically broken. The electrical storm… Tech: Try pushing the cd tray. Me: Done Tech: do you see the setup screen? Me (Very annoyed a not have decided to play very dumb): No Tech: That’s odd, Can you tell me what you see on the screen. Me: I see the desktop. I also see the CD tray is now halfway closed. Tech: That’s odd. Let me see what I can do… Me (I hear some pages being flipped furiously over the phone): Can you just tell me of a repair shop in my area? Tech: Sir, I have not exhausted all my options. Me (muffled): Now my I’m getting exhausted… Tech: Pardon me? Me: Nothing. Have you found a solution? Tech: I believe id did. Do you have access to the internet. Me: Yes Tech: OK, here is the url to the CD driver update (Proceeds on telling me how to use IE and enter a URL) Tech: OK, call me back when it‘s done. Me: Wait. I have high speed, just hold on. Me: Download driver: Driver downloaded. Tech: Good. Me: Install Driver: Driver Installed. Tech: Good, Now restart your computer. Me: Done. Tech: Now insert a CD in the tray. Do you see the setup screen? Me: no, the CD tray is still half in. Now can you tell me where I can bring the computer in for repair? Tech: we can’t do that. Me (Ok, it was funny and entertaining and it did give me something to do for the evening but I’ve had it): Then how the hell am I supposed to fix my problem without voiding the warranty? Tech: You can send it in we will fix it, all you have to pay is the shipping cost. Me: You can’t just tell me who even sells your brand in my area? Maybe a store will take it in. Tech: We can’t do that Me: OK, I’ve had enough. You make no sense, Your repair procedures made no sense. The fact that you won’t tell me who repairs your brand in my area makes no sense. The fact that you will not even tell me who sells your brand in my area makes no sense. I’m just going to by my own CD drive from a regular store. That’s going to cost less that shipping. F_ck the warranty and f_uck you. Tech: Sir, please wait, don‘t get upset, I’m transferring you to my manager. Manager: Thank you for calling AST tech support, I’m ___ the manager here. ___ tells me she could not resolve your problem? I’m here to help. But first can I have you ID code? Me: Arrgh. That would be the third time. But here. Manager: Now sir, haw may I help you? Me: You mean you don’t know? Manager: I have the information ___ typed in but maybe you can tell me as I read. Me: We had an electrical storm last night. It fried my CD. I need to replace it. I need to know where I can go in my area so fix it without voiding my warranty. Manager: I see ___ suggested to reinstall the driver. Did that help? Me: Arrrgg. Enough already. Either tell me where to go or I’m hanging up. Manager. Ok, ok, no need to get upset, I have the information right here. Me: Really? And you are going to tell me (sarcastic)? Manager: This information we usually only give to corporations who have contracts with us. Me: I’m sorry I’m not a corporation. I might have had better service. Manager: Ok here is the number. Me Thank you. Hang up. Me: dial number Automatic msg: Sorry, the number you have dialled in not in service. Me: Arrgh, redial tech support. Repeat previous steps, wait, gets a tech rep. Tech: This is ___ may I have your ID code. Me: No, just give me your manager. I’ll give the code to him. Tech, sir, I can’t transfer you without the code. Me: OK. Here…. Manager (Same):This is ___ may I have your ID code. Me (Patiently). My ID is…. Manager (Same):Hello Mr X, how may I help you today. Me: You gave me the number to a repair shop in my area. The number does not work. Manager: That’s strange. Let me transfer you to our sales representative. They have more information on vendors and repair shops in your area. Me: Wait! I already talked with one. He wouldn’t tell me. Manager: I talk with him and explain the situation. Me: wait. Manager. Ok, I talked with ___. I’ll transfer you now. Me: OK. Tranfer…. Ring Ring Ring Ring 2 minutes later Should I give up? Ring Ring Sales rep (same as before): This is ____ how may I help you? Me: This is Mr X. Mr ___, the thech support manager transferred me so you could tell me who to call in my area to fix my computer? Sales rep: I’m a bit weary of divulging this information, This list is only for corporations… Me: Are you worried I might use this information the buy or repair a computer? Sales rep: Pardon me? Me: Look, do you have the information or not? Sales rep: Yes, what is your location? Me Here…. Sales rep: Ok sir, here is the number…. Me: Wait! It’s the same number I was given before. It’s the wrong number. Sales rep: Ok, we have another dealer. Here is the number… Me (I won’t get fooled again): Listen, How many reps im my area total? Sales rep: 7 Me: Give them all to me Sales rep: I really shouldn’t Me: Listen, if it’s another wrong number, I don’t want to talk to you guy’s ever again so bring it. Sales rep: Makes sense. Here… Me: Thanks and hang up. Me, next day: try first number… Not in service, Try second… no answers. Try third number: Tech: This is ___ how may I help you. Me: I have this CD driver I need to replace under my AST warranty. Tech: Sure. Bring it in. Here is the address… Me: I am just a regular guy, not a corporation, are you sure there will be not problem? Tech: Why would there be a problem? Me: they told me you only service corporation. Tech: No, we only service customers. Corporations, that’s another location altogether. Me: Great. Me: I bring it in. Finally it’s over…. Later the repair shop calls. Me: Hello Shop: Sir, we have a problem with your computer. AST will not pay for the repair as we don’t have the same CD drive for replacement. Me: Arrgh. All the footwork for nothing. Do it anyway. The warranty ends in 3 weeks anyway. I should have just done it myself. Shop: Ok. You can pick it up today. I get to the shop and the end of the day. Talked to the guy and looked at the computer. Wait a minute. It’s the same drive. Are you sure you replaced it? Tech: Yep, here’s the work order. Me: But it’s the same drive. The other guy told me you did not have the same drive and so on. Tech: Oh, we found a drive in storage. It’s the same drive. Here is the broken one. Here is your bill… The bill stated Under Warranty. Drive Cost 75$, 0 charged. Great! A month later the dammed computer died. Saved the HD. Tossed the rest. I never bought a name brand computer again save for my HP laptop and believe me, it‘s crap too.

[icuurd12b42]

Dam. Some of the typos in my previous post are pretty funny. Ummm maybe I should do a reality check.

[Cyclic13]

You only needed to reboot the print server...I hope you figured that out

[sloth]

SolSkye. I hope you are trying to make a joke. Do you think I have not tried that? I will reboot it right now, for the fifth time. Nope! It's still retarded. lol No. There's definately something wrong. I have been a network administrator for 3 years. This is a doosey. Whatever a doosey is. -sloth Wow. I will NEVER buy an AST computer. As a matter of fact, I am going to write them a letter informing them of this. They love when you do that.

[Courtney Mae]

Okay. Here is my brand new problem, that has NOTHING to do with Printers. I STILL CAN’T PING THE PRINT SERVER!!. My favourite part, lol.

[sloth]

LOL Thanks. I wasn't sure if this would be a big laugh for people or not, because you not only have to know some things about computers in order for it to be funny, but you also have to realize the tone and irony of the whole situation. Plus.. It's sloth! How funny can he be?! I hope most of you can understand it.

[LittleVisible]

Hehe, poor thing. I hate (most) techies so very much. I called this one guy to set up our wireless network because mine was having issues. This overweight techie rocks up in his WRX with gold alloys and he's got all these gansta gold rings...fixes our network, then explains to me that my laptop can't connect to the network because it has a virus that is blocking the internet and I have to rebuilt my entire system. >_> I talk to my friend who is in FIRST YEAR I.T at uni, and he promptly tells me that's bullshit and to reinstall norton. I do. It works. Stupid techie....

[wombing]

That's right, i myself was employed by a major computer company (*cough* MSN DSL/Qwest*cough *), about 4 years ago, for just under 3 months (including training), before i quit. desparately needed a job, and the main employer in town was http://www.stream.com/who_we_are/why_outsource.asp...as my inability to change the above URL into a link that says "streaminternational" demonstrates, i was and still am horribly computer illiterate. never touched my first computer til i was 14 or so, and only procured my own the year before i got hired. stream's (outsourcing company) interview process ensured one could 1. navigate the toolbars, and drop down menu. 2. search for a file 3. type text at a reasonable pace (30WPM or so), and then change it into larger bold print in word (not joking!!) : those are likely the same stringent hiring conditions implemented at many outsource centers sort of explains the service most of the time, eh? we had two weeks of training, most of which was vague and about "serving clients...both MSN, and the customers", yet didn't even tell us what modems we were working with! (or even much about how a modem works, in simple, applicable language.) the first day on the floor was madness (though the 1500 or so other people in the building seemed to have settled into their roles quite nicely, and droned on in the unsatisfied manner of unhappy phone operators.) we hadn't even seen the phones we would be using until the day we started using them. and none of us (save one or two) had not the faintest clue how to help customers with half dozen or so malfunctioning DSL modems...actually, as an excercise in remembering, i'll try to recall which ones specifically... 1. netdsl arescom 800-these were the easy ones. 2. intel 2200/3200 internal modems: ugh. 3. cisco 675 (and pretty sure 677 and one other model) i remember dreading these rare calls especially, as the caller was almost certainly calling for the 20th time, and quite frustrated that i had no training to actually help their issue, but could only spew phrases from a thin binder, and tell him "tier three" (the high and almighty technicians who can actually fix problems) would be receiving the file (whose ticket number thecustomer could rattle off without pause, almost surely unaided by anything but frequent repetition) the only thing that ever really fixed anything was to powercycle the arescom modem. if that didn't work, or it was another modem, the vast majority of us could only pretend to have the first clue what was going on. (which was very hard when the frustrated caller knew one couldn't even understand what (s)he was saying. how sloth's emphasized reference to being unable to PING was responded to pretty well sums it up ------------- anyways, it was certainly an interesting experience, though the only of its type i shall ever care to endure again...what a souless, tedious, impersonal network whose sole purpose is to fulfill a bare minimum of expected output at a bare minimum of expected quality. the callers were always from the united states. some were nice, and i would try for sometimes 2.5 hours just to finally resolve the problem (after six "may i please put you on hold "s, and six vague converations with a supervisor. at first i extended this courtesy even to the extremely irate and abusive. after a month or so when i realized no future training was to be given, i began my practice of hanging up on them, talking for 10-30 seconds, and then saying "sir...are you there....hello?....can you hear me.....well, it appears we are disconnected. if you can still hear me, your ticket number is xxxxxxxxxx." soon i even began dropping calls right off the bat to avoid the guilt associated with hanging up on a sweet little old lady after hearing them say something (with a little maneouver which prevented them from knowing which side cut off first). "hello, welcome to MSN DSL broadband technical support *disconnect the caller*. my name is james. (alias). may i please have either your msn email adress, or most recent ticket number concerning your issue?" "hullo...can you hear me?....your ticket number is xxxxxxxxxxxxxx." which degenerated to simply dropping a call whenever i felt like it without saying a word. they caught on when monitoring random calls without us knowing . when asked i admitted to doing it. they asked why. i said i was frustrated at insufficient training, and didn't think any was coming... he essentially told me that my assumption was correct, by saying that "the supervisors will be told to help you and your co-workers in a more efficient manner" quit before the end of shift --------- haha, this thread brought back so many memories from such a short stint of employment. my impression from an inside perspective of stream's employees ( who represented virtually ever major computer company) was this: (percentages may overlap) 2% were drunk most of the time 77% were computer illiterate some degree, and were only capable of fixing a few easy solves (such as myself ) 40% were stoned most of the time 50% were young people who didn't really care about their 10.25/hr job with a cue full of waiting customers. 45% wanted to help, but were not knowledgeable enough to help most customers 5% were capable of helping customers, but were busy managing the different contracts, and distibuting their knowledge to over a thousand unqualified employees. ---- heh, alright, enough reminiscing...those are shameful days i was so utterly blown away to realize that large companies really are as mind-numbingly beauracratic and stifling and inefficient as they are perceived to be.

[sloth]

LMAO! Thank you for that story. I think all techs have them. One of my favorites was when I got called in because a teacher could not find her documents. I asked her what they were called. She didn't know, of course. So, I asked her where she kept them usually. "Well, I click start, and then I click, 'My recent documents.'" I told her that a virus had eaten them. Several times I told one individual to right-click an icon. They reported that nothing was happening. I told them to make sure that they were RIGHT-clicking the icon. Finally, he said, 'I can't get any further to the right. My mouse hits the edge of the screen!' One lady called in, and said that while installing software, the program said to insert disk one. She said she put in disk one, and everything went smoothly. The program then said to insert disk two. She said that she put disk two in, but with two disks in the tray, the drive door wouldn't close right. I have a million more. -sloth

[Demerzel]

www.rinkworks.com/stupid From the other guy's point of view...

[O-Nieronaut]

Sloth, next time just insist on tier 2 support. They'll give you some crap about it, but you'll get solutions from people who have a better understanding of computers. I think the funniest tech call I've ever heard about was the woman who called in complaining that her computer's CUP HOLDER was broken. Silly bint.

[dream-scape]

Originally posted by sloth Sloth: It’s the white one over there! What, do you think the guy can fucking see you? If you don't want to be run through standard simple diagnostics, then next time have someone come on site. If you've been a network admin for 3 years and cannot figure a network problem out, then how the hell do you expect a chat tech to know? I hope you don't admin any networks near me

[sloth]

Originally posted by dream-scape What, do you think the guy can fucking see you? If you don't want to be run through standard simple diagnostics, then next time have someone come on site. If you've been a network admin for 3 years and cannot figure a network problem out, then how the hell do you expect a chat tech to know? I hope you don't admin any networks near me Kick rocks! I didn't insult you, or your job skills. ...rude asshole.

[Merlock]

Tech: Please open "My networking places" and click on the "Entire Network" in the left side of that Window.[/b] I can only begin to imagine what his reply would've consisted of if you were under *nix >.> "Tier 2" support might not be enough either. If the given tier of support is that incompetent as is, I doubt that even the head admin that might have interviewed them for the job and accepted them, would do much better at it either, heh.

[sloth]

LOL I'm pretty sure the network wasn't propogating correctly, or was propogating very slowly. Originally posted by dream-scape What, do you think the guy can fucking see you? YES! You have succesfully identified the punchline of that particular joke! Great job! Did you understand any of the other jokes, or do you need me to SPELL THEM OUT for you? When someone over chat asks you which computer you plugged the printer into, what are you SUPPOSED to say? The tech gave me no specified means of identification. That is why I thought it would be funny to say, 'The white one over there.' Thank you, Dream-scape for spelling out why this joke was funny, just in case someone on this forum was SO RETARDED... SO STUPID... SO INCREDIBLY IGNORANT!! that they didn't see that this is OBVIOUSLY a joke. -humorously fumed sloth -- LMAO!!