I Have No Life

[Leixor]

I realize by making this post I am may come across as kind of pathetic. Nevertheless, I need advice and this is going to be quite a rant, so bear with me. I don't want you to read this and feel "Oh the poor guy" or what have you, that's not my intention at all. I want genuine advice and genuine help, because I am at my wits end. This is going to be quite long, so if you are going to read it, thanks in advance. I am 22 years old. I am in college. And I have no life. I have no friends. I do what the world requires of me and nothing more. It's not like this a new thing for me, I never have really had a life to begin with. I used to think that was okay. I was me and I liked being alone. I realize now that was a lie I told myself to make myself feel better. I've come to the point in my life where I realize how lonely I truly am. I have no one to talk to. I have no one to turn to when I'm upset, or when I'm happy. I have no one. Maybe your wondering now "How can a person have no one?" Well I suppose that's not entirely true. I have my mother, whom I live with out of financial necessity. I have God and believe me, He hears from me quite a lot. I suppose I should be thankful for that, and I guess I am, I mean some people might not even have that. That's not enough though. Why am I like this then? I used to think that there was something wrong with me, that I was wierd or strange or maybe didn't deserve to have a life. I now know that I am a little wierd, and there certainly are things wrong with me. Everybody is a little wierd, and everybody has flaws. People are all unique and I am no different in that respect. I do deserve to be free of this perpetual loneliness that plagues me. So why don't I just "go out and get a life"? Well that brings me to the problem and the reason for this post. I can't. I don't know what it is about me, but I lack the skills to make friends. I've been this way all my life. I had friends in gradeschool, though I wouldn't call them so much friends as "people I hung out with". In my entire life of 22 years, not counting family, I've had maybe 4 or 5 people I was close enough to to call friends. They all have something in common too. I met them all online. We've never met face to face in person. Though they were/are true friends, it still isn't the same. Speaking to someone through text is a lot different than speaking to them in person. We spent two years of our lives together in the massively multiplayer online role playing game Final Fantasy XI. Eventually we all realized we were addicted to the game. We all moved on with our lives. I still stay in touch from time to time but the close relationship is gone. So for the last 7 months I've really had no one. It hurts being alone. There are times when I feel really depressed and would give the world for someone to just talk about it to. There are other times when I'm really happy and have to enjoy it all by myself. This isn't the first time I've asked for advice about this problem. I've asked my mom, I've asked professional therapists, it's not like I'm not trying. Mostly the answer I get is "Just be who you are". It's not like I'm an asshole or mean or something. I am a nice guy. I am intelligent and slightly geeky. I have a really great sense of humor (or so the few people that know me say) I am very sensitive (Yes, I know men aren't 'supposed' to be. I really don't care, I am who I am). So what's wrong with me? Well, I used to be afraid of people. I was so convinced that I was "wierd" (probably because I was a 'nerd' all through school, people bullied me and treated me like shit, so eventually I began to believe it) that I figured anyone who met me thought I was wierd and thus wouldn't really ever like me. I learned, thanks to my friends that I met online, that this was not the case at all. Maybe it would be good for me to describe a typical social interaction of mine, that way you can better understand what the problem is. My first problem to overcome is my fear of people. I've gotten pretty good at that, thanks in part to having to take a speech class. I learned that in new social situations, people tend to be preoccupied with themselves. I.E. They are worried about the same thing I am. "Am I acting wierd? Do I look okay? What should I say? etc", or otherwise preoccupied with themselves. That doesn't make me any less nervous really, but it does give me the confidence to actually try to start a conversation. So I do what I have been told to do. "Hi, I'm ____". They usually respond with "Hey, I'm ____" or the like. I'll say something completely frivolous and mundane like "Wow, it's really hot today" or some other pointless conversation starter. Usually I get a respone like "Yeah, sure is". And that's when it happens. My mind goes blank frantically thinking of what to say next. I've tried planning beforehand, and I've tried just saying something spur of the moment. Very rarely I manage to have an actual conversation with someone. When I do I get really psyched and happy that I'm making progress. Eventually the conversation ends, and the next time I see this person, I'm petrified. I don't know what it is. That's not entirely true, actually. I do know what it is partially. As much as I long for a friend, I am completely petrified of any kind of relationship. Most of the people I've ever trusted have shattered that trust. As a result of this I second guess every thing people say. When I meet someone and manage to have a meaningful conversation with them, the next time I see them I can't help but wonder if they really give a damn. Do they really like me? Are they genuinely interested? Or are they just putting it on, or being polite. Maybe they think "Who's this totally wierd guy?". I think if I talk to them again maybe they are feeling "Wow this wierd guy had the nerve to speak to me again". I realize I have a serious fear of rejection. I don't know how to overcome this. Like I said before, I've spoken with people, including professional therapists about this. No one can seem to help me. My problems as I see them are: I am almost unbearably lonely I am afraid that people see me as wierd, even though I realize myself that I am not I have difficulty of thinking of things to say, probably because I think they might sound wierd I have a tremendous fear of rejection I have a really hard time trusting people What can I do? How can I learn to trust people? How can I get over the fear that people would see me as "strange" or "wierd"? How can I get over my fear of rejection in order to conquer this loneliness? I do have hope. I honestly believe one day I will triumph over this. I have no idea how to accomplish it though. If you've read this, I thank you, any ideas or suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. I know I might sound pathetic. But that's ok. Everybody needs help with something sometimes. This is what I need help with.

[MSG]

Hey I used to be the exact same way However, lately, and it just sort of clicked, by some force of nature I was able to pick someone out and within days I would know them somewhat well, sometimes a friendship ensued and sometimes it didn't... but mostly it did. The big thing to overcome is the fear that people are judging you What I did was turn the tables... I asked myself "am I judging someone when I am talking to them? do I seriously care whether they seem nervous or not? no, no." There was once a book I read a long time ago... forget the name... but it was written back in the 30s. It was an awesome book about human relations, how people like to be treated, and whatnot... but I was only 9 so I could barely understand half of it

[Hominus Feralis]

I also am pretty similar to you. In the past years of my life, i had friends, but i never did anything with them. I ended up loosing them. This was until i found a group of people i could feel comphortable with. Life has been great since them. In my middle school years, i had something called a herpst, or something like that, which is an apparatus that goes in your mouth (like internal headgear). People used to make fun of me and called me a rat, because of the way my teeth looked. Even after i got it off, people still kept that shit up. Until i socked the lead bully in his face. I subsequently got my ass kicked by 3 others, but it was worth it. It stopped, COMPLETELY. I also thought i was wierd. I started to look around, and i saw some of the wierdest people were getting all the chicks!! I was stumped. Then i began to study these people's behavior. They were excentric and outgoing. I realized what i had to do. I am a firm believer that humans communicate on a FAR greater level than speech and body language. I feel that if you are nervous when talking to people, it will "rub off" on them. So the deal is just DONT GIVE A SHIT. Since what you are doing currently isnt working and you're miserable, then who cares? The best thing you can do is PURPOSLY put yourself in awkward situations. That way you will get used to it, just how you got used to people in speech class. Thats the best advice i can give you. If somebody fucks with you, GET IN THEIR FACE. Let them know you stand up for yourself. The one thing bullies fuel on is easy targets. Even though bullies are not your current problem, CONT BE AN EASY TARGET. I know this stuff is easier to say than do, but it must be done. You will never regret it, but while you are getting "used to social experiences" you will feel strange. Dont worry, it will pass, and you should NEVER GIVE UP. Good luck, and most of all, dont take shit from yourself

[AlternateReality]

i rely on the DON'T GIVE A SHIT method up there. if people say anything about me, like your worried about sounding wierd, then i don't really care.

[xcrissxcrossx]

i agree. i went through something similar but not as major and ever since i became looser i have felt better. alo i am not very violent and i dont like fighting but if someone makes me pissed i wont hesitate to beat the shit out of them.

[Leixor]

Even if I get over feeling weird, and actually get to know some people... I actually managed to do that last semester. I became what I would call acquaintances with some people. That is, I knew them well enough to say "Hi" if I saw them, but not much more than that. I can't make that magical "thing" happen. The "thing" that causes people to transcend being acquaintances and become friends. No one ever seems interested enough in me to take that step themselves, so I've gotta be the one to take it. I have a good idea why that is too. I realize that my inability to engage in really any meaningful conversation at all makes me come acrossed as an ass. People think that I'M not interested, because I am afraid to show that interest. Hominus Feralis when you say "Purposefully put yourself in awkward situations", I realize that's probably one of the best things I could do. I've tried it but I just freeze up. I mean it makes logical sense. I am already coming across as an introverted ass because of the way I act. If I put myself in an awkward situation and come out looking weird... well which is worse? Being an ass or being weird? It's really easy to say all this stuff. It's really easy for me to say to myself "Tomorrow I am just gonna go and be who I am, if I look weird, oh well, it's better than looking like an ass" But when it comes down to it I just freeze. My problem is that I come across as the very thing I'm afraid other people are. By being afraid and unable to engage in conversation, people think I don't give a damn, that I'm not interested, that I don't care. All compounded by the fact that I do occasionally do awkward things. I say the wrong thing sometimes, or I say it wrong and end up looking silly. So does everybody else, but when I do it hits me hard. It causes me to "go back into my shell" so to speak. I know maybe some people read this and think it's a simple problem. But for me it's not. I've spent months and years of my life trying to get over this. I know the answer to the "simple" part of the problem. I say that I don't know how to meet people, that I don't know how to make friends, but that's not really the truth. I know how to do that. What I don't know how to do is get over these fears. Fears of rejection, of having my trust shattered. I've had a lot of experiences that make me mistrust people. I've had (what I thought were) close friends betray me, I've had people that were supposed to be helping me ruin my life. But that's in the past. I know not everyone in the world are mean spirited assholes. I know I've gotta move on. I've had it tough, but it will get better from here, if I make the change. I know maybe I'm rambling and not making a lot of sense. I know I was really depressed today and will probably regret making these posts tomorrow. But I still am grateful for your advice and opinions, and any more are certainly welcome.

[badassbob]

Hey, the only piece of advice that I can give you is try not to worry about being "weird", because just like Hominus said, it's always the most outgoing, friendly, talkative people who have loads of friends. Just be yourself and practice talking to people more often. Most poeple aren't going to care the slightest bit about how you look or act. Some will (most of my friends for example), and if they reject you, fuck them.

[phoenelai]

I have family but as I get older you loose most of your friends for some reason and I miss that I used to have that. I just go to work etc day after day and talk to co-workers. I'm a funny guy and like to do impersonations and crack jokes constantly so I dont have that fear of talking. Actually I talk to much, hehe. But I'm wierd and people understand that. I'm into lucid dreaming, experimental ambient music, wierd off beat movies etc. My friends just know that's the way I am and they dont have a problem with it at all. True friends accept you the way you are. I do miss having close friends but when you get older knowbody seems to have the time, we just work work work then family. Be who you are! That's the best thing I can say!

[Jess]

Thanks for sharing that Leixor, most people wouldn't have had the guts, you don't sound pathetic at all. In a way that's my point, that a lot of people feel exactly the same way as you, you're not alone. In fact I think everyone feels like that when meeting new people, I understand it's maybe more of a problem with you. It sounds like you lack self-confidence. At a guess it's because deep down you don't really accept yourself. It sounds New-Agey but try telling yourself that even though you're weird (or however you see yourself) you deeply and completely accept yourself. I also think you might be too in your head, thinking about shit, getting paranoid. Try to get out of your head and inside the heads of people you're talking to. Instead of thinking about what you should say next or what they think about you, think about what would make them laugh or what do you think about them. All the usual advice for depression is true as well: do some exercise, get outside, eat healthy, do it even if you don't want to...slight sleep deprivation is supposed to help too, too much sleep has an adverse effect. Also remember that even if people seem like they don't care, they do, they just don't know how to help. I hope some of that helps, if you ever want a chat, don't hesitate. Originally posted by phoenelai when you get older knowbody seems to have the time, we just work work work then family. Depressing, isn't it.

[Neruo]

I guess I could say I feel sorry for you and such but that doesn't help you. So I will just try to give advice: -1. Just talk randomly to people. I am not super social myself, and I used to be alot less social. What I do now is just to talk to random people, but only in places that doens't make it too weird. For instance, if you just started at a new school, it's socially acceptable to talk to random people. Like in hallways. I still have some fear of rejection and an uncertain feeling when I talk to people, but I just know I have to so in the near future I might have a conversation with that person as a friend (and thus less ackward). I know it is easy to say, but you really shouldn't care if people think you are weird for talking to them. Most people don't even mind I guess. -2. Try to hang out with the right people. I am quite sure there are alot more people like you. Or at least something similar. Try to get to know the people that hardly talk to anyone themselves. They are sure to like some attention. Allso, such people so thend to be alot more relaxt becouse they don't try to be cool themselves. I am way more relaxed and thus social around people I know are not 'high in the social ladder'. However such a posse isn't great for scoring chicks, but that doesn't matter if you have friends I guess. -3. Just do it (stuff). Sometimes it seems more fun to be in a safe environment playing videogames or something. However try to take any oppertunity to do something in public. However you would need some sort of a friend base for this I guess. However, if someone asks you to like play a game of pool or something becouse you were standing around a pool table, just take that opportinity. I often have that I am not in the mood for like going to a party or something, but once I am there, it turns out to be great fun. -4. Lie to yourself even more. Turn goth or emo and hate the world. At least you would make people laugh =) Ok I am kind of running out of idea's here. But the main point is that often being all social and stuff seems like a hard thing to do.. and I think it will. Some people just have a hard time being all social and stuff. However you will have to overcome those difficulties I guess. Oh and you might be 'weird' indeed, but being 'weird' is okay since the 60's! I hope that slowly you can make your life more happy for yourself. People are social animals, so they need people. However everyone has it in them to be social. All it really needs is talking. blabla goodluck blabla

[Leixor]

Thanks for sharing that Leixor, most people wouldn't have had the guts, you don't sound pathetic at all. In a way that's my point, that a lot of people feel exactly the same way as you, you're not alone. In fact I think everyone feels like that when meeting new people, I understand it's maybe more of a problem with you. It sounds like you lack self-confidence. At a guess it's because deep down you don't really accept yourself. It sounds New-Agey but try telling yourself that even though you're weird (or however you see yourself) you deeply and completely accept yourself. I also think you might be too in your head, thinking about shit, getting paranoid. Try to get out of your head and inside the heads of people you're talking to. Instead of thinking about what you should say next or what they think about you, think about what would make them laugh or what do you think about them. All the usual advice for depression is true as well: do some exercise, get outside, eat healthy, do it even if you don't want to...slight sleep deprivation is supposed to help too, too much sleep has an adverse effect. Also remember that even if people seem like they don't care, they do, they just don't know how to help. I hope some of that helps, if you ever want a chat, don't hesitate. [/b] You make a lot of valid points there. You say I lack self-confidence. I do, in this respect anyway. There are things I have a lot of confidence in, this just isn't one of them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't completely lack self-confidence, I just lack it in this respect. You also say that I am "too in my head, thinking about shit, getting paranoid". That is 100% accurate. I have been like that for a long time. I analyze every random occurance way too many times. I have trouble making decisions because of that. It's good to think before you act and all, but I take it to extremes. It's likely why I "freeze up" when talking to people. Because I'm so caught up in trying to decide what I should say next, because I analyze it over and over and over and second guess myself. It's a response I learned early in my life. In fact I think that may be the problem here. I have taught myself to be completely paranoid and untrusting. To second guess everything, including myself. It's the way I learned to cope with difficult situations. The difficulty I am having is really that I need to unlearn this. I'm not saying I want to trust everyone the second I speak to them. That would be counterproductive and totally naive. I guess what I want to do is allow myself to become connected enough to be able to make the decision whether a relationship with a particular person is worth pursuing. Well, I have been ill with a respiratory infection for two weeks now and haven't been going to class. I am going to go to class in the morning though. I am going to make an honest effort to try to have a conversation with someone. Even if I'm completely awkward, even if it's a completely stupid frivolous conversation and even if I fall flat on my face and look stupid. It can't be any worse than being alone. I've made that decision before, though. The decision to "just do it". Each time I have chickened out. I'm so tired of being alone and frustrated though. This has been going on far too long and it's not going to change unless I change it. I can ask for advice and contemplate how to do it forevermore and that alone isn't going to make a difference. I guess maybe I hoped there was some magic answer to all of this. Or maybe I told myself that I didn't know how just because I am so scared. I think deep down inside I've known the answer all along though. I just have to do it. It terrifies me, quite honestly. Maybe I'll do well tomorrow, maybe I won't. Either way it's a step in the right direction.

[Never]

Interesting post. I myself am also a loner. Basically, my life consists of music, meditation and study. Since I was young I have had trouble relating to people. They make me so angry. Modern society is disgusting; porn, crappy music, no philosophy, mcdonalds, idle chit chat. I can't live that way. I simply cannot be part of it. For a while I was like you, thinking that I needed at least some kind of companionship. It was withering me fast. Finally, as I grew "spiritually", I (fully) realized how temporary everything is. I could die right now. None of this stuff matters. I devote my life to making music, meditating 3 hours a day, writing books, reading books, and learning all of the religions, philosophies and ideas of the world that I can get my hands on so that I can further develop my insight. Most people are stupid. Let's face it. I am not trying to be an ass by saying that; it is just fact. Here stupid means ignorant and unwilling to explore beyond the depths of the average tv sitcom. There are a few exceptional people out there that you may meet, but you will meet these folks usually when you are not trying to. All in all what I am saying is that you were not MEANT to live any certain way. You do not become a loser because you have no friends. Usually friends gossip and backstab each other anyway. You will find that most people only have 1 true friend if that, all the rest are just there. The best thing you can do is study. Study as much as you can; this way you will have the help you need in discovering what it is that can bring you happiness, WITHOUT all of the mental conditioning by society, and if companionship is what you still desire, then more knowledge in this field will also help.

[Noin]

GAHHHHHH if i would tell you how bad it is in my case, i would have to write a friggin long post...

[Jess]

For a while I was like you, thinking that I needed at least some kind of companionship. It was withering me fast. Finally, as I grew "spiritually", I (fully) realized how temporary everything is. I could die right now. None of this stuff matters. I devote my life to making music, meditating 3 hours a day, writing books, reading books, and learning all of the religions, philosophies and ideas of the world that I can get my hands on so that I can further develop my insight. Most people are stupid. Let's face it. I am not trying to be an ass by saying that; it is just fact. Here stupid means ignorant and unwilling to explore beyond the depths of the average tv sitcom.[/b] Don't forget that if it wasn't for those 'stupid' people who don't spend 3 hours a day meditating etc. then you wouldn't able to do all that. You wouldn't have food, clothes or a roof over your head if not for the compassion of those people. Do you realise how temporary your lifestyle is? Isn't it dependant on those people? Not everyone can be a contemplative hermit; the world wouldn't work: meditate on that.

[Never]

I rest my case. Your post is nothing but assumptions. You assume I do not contribute to society. Of course I do. What is your point? Why so offensive? Are you offended? I am sorry I do not enjoy going to bars and screwing whores and eating crap at fast food places. If my acknowledging how stupid such things are offends you, then that is your problem. I cannot speak without angering people...it is amazing. Edit: Oh and to satisfy you, yes I work everyday as well, and have sustained many injuries as a result, yet keep working. Is that good enough for you?

[Jess]

I wasn't trying to wind you up. You said you've fully realised how impermanent everything is and it seemed to me from your post that you've missed something...just trying to help. I'll add a smiley and make it better...

[Amethyst Star]

GAHHHHHH if i would tell you how bad it is in my case, i would have to write a friggin long post... [/b] No one's life is an endless jar of ginger snaps (or whatever analogy you choose to use) and we all go through hard times; times of lonliness, of despair, of feeling inadequate. There's nothing wrong with feeling down from time to time and I'd be surprised if there was someone who didn't... because they'd be lying. It's important to know that life is two-sided, and those things like lonliness and despair are not meant to last forever. I can see where Never is coming from in that it's important to not rely on what pop culture says is "normal." Life is not lived in a box filled with pretty colors (though some of them can be very lovely). It's important to continue to learn every day, but that doesn't just come from books or self-reflection, but also through interaction with the people around us. It's good to find out who we are, but that search can also be facilitated by sharing our lives with others. You can find out a lot about yourself by how you treat and are treated by friends, acquaintences, and people you don't know. Just remember: "Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." (I'll add more later.)

[Never]

You said you've fully realised how impermanent everything is and it seemed to me from your post that you've missed something...[/b] Ah, well I may have overshot if I in fact said that. If I truly realized such, I would not be angry at life at all in theory. I was trying to say that I realize it to a degree that companionship no longer seems so important for personal happiness. You just have no idea how often when I do mention my thoughts in life I get a bunch of programmed responses and hatred thrown my way. If I misunderstood your intention then I am sorry.

[Noin]

It's just that after todays school im so friggin confused, you ppl won't understand how i feel no matter how detailed the description would be... and that's what sucks cause i cant find help against that anywhere...

[Leixor]

I just wanted to say I ended up not going to class today. Still ill and was in no shape to be driving 30 miles one way. A lot of posts have been made since last night. I have some things I'd like to say but honestly I'm tired and depressed. I'm just gonna take it easy for a couple of days. Once I get to feeling half way decent I'll contemplate this all over again.

[regetsref]

Hey lexior, Youve 'contemplated' this enuff. you have to 'do' something. Ive gone thru similar stuff as you. 'do what youve always done and get what you've always gotten' is a good saying to live by. if you dont make changes you will never feel better. I really dont have anything else to tell you, you really just gotta not do stuff that makes you unhappy. its hard I know but just change your daily routine. Go get drunk at a bar or something...and flirt with drunk girls, they wont care what you say anyways....maybe...

[Jess]

What about trying to solve your problem in lucid dreams? You seem to have had quite a few since joining. Make your goal next time you're in a lucid dream to put yourself in awkward situations and practice being really social, pretend you're a film star who's always got something to say and lots of people love them or something like that. EDIT: But if you do, don't make it an excuse not to try in waking life, do both simultaneously.

[jacobo]

go out. go to a bar. get a hobby that doesn't require internet access. or a tv.

[badassbob]

go out. go to a bar. get a hobby that doesn't require internet access. or a tv. [/b] Possibly the best advice here so far.

[the real pieman]

dont worry about being weird...im weird but i use it to my advantage im also confident, and ill do alot of things for a joke, almost to the point where i look like a fool, but i never get on anyones bad side and i am on good terms with everyone i know... and if anyone says anything about me they can rot in hell for all i care... ps. i am not a fool, but i keep the moral up of those around me, and i know the difference between pretending to fall off a chair for a joke, and holding someones head down a toilet for 10 mins which aint a joke... so what i am saying is that confidence is everything, and even if you only have a few close friends, as long as your not on anyones bad side you can count on them...