A story of time lost, and hope for the future

[Leixor]

"Welcome, Leixor. You last visited: 03-09-2007 at 04:38 AM" Wow it's been THAT long? I somehow feel compelled to post. I wonder if anyone remembers me? I see a very few names here I remember. If anyone wonders, I lost my life (and my dreams) to addiction for a while. I think I said something about that once here? I've been addicted to Vicodin since September of 2006. I guess I really like the stuff but it has to stop now. I even told my physician I had a problem and to stop writing me the stuff. I'm looking into some narcotics anonymous or something type stuff as well. Incidentally as I mentioned above Vicodin(well my abuse of Vicodin. Vicodin is not evil, and I'll not blame it. This was my doing, it was just my tool of self destruction) cost me my dreams (the kind you have when you sleep heh, hell I'm only 24, my life ain't over!) Well I suppose I still had dreams, but my recall was wrecked and my will to try as well. I went from writing in my dream journal at least 5 times a week with 3-4 dreams a night to roughly 15 entries since mid September. A couple of weeks off the damn stuff and my unnaturally good dream recall is back and the pages in my journal are filling up fast. So I find my way back here. I suppose this IS a good endeavor for me. Lucid dreaming I mean. Let me explain. I've always had serious trouble sleeping, I think I mentioned that on here a few times. No one ever could figure it out. Polysomnograms (sleep studies) were done to no avail. Every sleeping pill under the sun with little effect. Not too long ago I moved to Alabama where I saw yet another specialist who figured it out. He diagnosed me with Non-24 hour sleep wake syndrome. That means I don't have a 24 hour circadian rhythm. My internal clock is a little over 27 hours and cannot be reset by light, cues, anything. That means my days rotate around the clock. Today I got up at 10:30AM, tomorrow will be noon or later, the next day 2:30 ish, etc. I tend to stay awake 17-18 hours and sleep 9-10. I can fight it for a few days before exhaustion wins out and I crash hard. It's not within my power to control it better than that. As you can imagine this makes a "normal" (that's a useless word) life damn near impossible. How can I keep a job when my schedule only allows me to go maybe twice a week? I don't know. I'm still trying to work myself out. I dulled that pain with vicodin for a while but lost a lot that was important to me, including lucid dreaming. Hell if I'm gonna sleep when the rest of the world is active and doing stuff, I might as well have some fun! I kinda do freelance computer work (read: I have some signs around town for people to call me to work on their computers). They don't care if I work on it at 3AM or 3PM heh. I'm 85% of the way to a degree in computer repair, but I haven't gone to college since fall 2007. I had to drop my classes to move, plus I was way out of control with the Vicodin, plus my instructors that semester were NOT at all tolerant of me only showing up 40% of the time. Before that I had gotten through on the merit of my work, I may not be there always but I DO have a 3.96GPA and that speaks for me I guess. Or did up until that last semester. I can't blame them, the classes were super hands on, not being there meant I didn't do the work. Well anyway I need to sleep soon or try... funny how I'm gonna try, only having been up 14 hours. I'll probably fall asleep at 4 or 5 AM. But at least if I try, I won't hate myself for missing yet another day. Well not as badly. I always feel like I'm gonna miss some defining moment that brings my world together. And if you are wondering what I do in the 2-4 hours nightly it takes me to fall asleep if I "disobey" my internal clock, I lay there in the dark and think. Pretend. Fantasize. Meditate. Nothing but you and your mind in the dark. Plenty of time to decide what you'll do while asleep Anyhow I guess I'm kinda rambling now, I don't know where my road leads, but I know it leads to a brighter place than addiction and solitude. It also seems to have lead back here. I remember this place fondly. So to everyone old and new: Hello! again!