Maybe a problem... need some advice [gf]

Hey all. Been a while since I posted in these forums. I do alot more reading than posting tho.

Anyways, I got somewhat of an issue here. OR maybe I'm overreacting. ? I talked about it with a friend and my sister, but I wanted to hear what u unbiased people out there in web-land who don't know me thought about this. this is kind of a long read, but im hoping at least 1 person will read it and give me some good insight.


Here's the gist of it. I got a girlfriend. I'll call her Pj in this. We've been going out officially for about 2 months now. And right now I'm a little sketched out by one of her good friends getting a little too close to her for my comfort...but he's "just a friend".

more--
I've been getting to know this girl over the course of two years. We both graduated high school this past June. we're both 18. we became really good friends by sitting next to each other, 3 classes a day for the entire school year junior year and having one-on-one lunches for a long time. Besides having classes and lunch periods together, we began skipping class a lot to be with each other and we got to talking on the phone every now and then. I developed a crush on her and kept it from her through one of her boyfriends because I didn't want it to be an issue between us. I always put our friendship before me wanting her...but she kept leading me on like I had ground to stand on. Anyways--

Then senior year came, she broke up with the guy and I still liked her and was just waiting, giving her some time to collect herself after the guy so I could ask her out. I let her know I liked her. Little bit of flirting here and there, she found a note i didn't mean for her to find (yeeah i know, cheesey). Then I found out she liked me too. But then WHAM! She starts going out with this other guy. A handsome fellow, socialite, outgoing, drives a car, goes to college, I got no shot right?
So they go out for 10 MONTHS. the whole while me and her are still great friends. We had a few classes with each other and we would hang out outside of school once in a long while.

Apparently, I fell hard for this girl. It didn't hit me until I found out they had had sex. She was a virgin before him. That hit me like a TON of fucking bricks. I had had a crush on her, but after i found that out, i realized I fell very...very hard for this chick. We had got to talking on the phone. It grew from a few messages (txt/myspace/etc) to a few phone calls, then it grew to talking for hours at a time like 4 times a week. We just clicked really effortlessly. Every time I looked at my cell phone I'd be like "no way did 4 hours just go by". We talked about everything. childhood, growing up, God, life, death, family, school, jobs, the future, favorite stuff. man, like everything. The whole while we'd both be making jokes and stuff. Its not like we'd talk like that all the time either. it always started talking about something interesting that happened that day or something funny i heard yadya yadya yadya.

I could go deeper on that, but anyways. Bottom line, I love this girl. I'm still very much in love with this girl. She's loves me, she says she's in love with me. but lately, i dont feel it from her.

Now, here's the problem
There's this other guy. he's a friend of mine. we'll call him Joe. Joe is good friends with my gf and me, we hang out. sometimes the 3 of us, sometimes more. But anyways, I've been getting hints that Joe likes Pj...like more than a friend. I called him on it...and basically, he does. It was obvious to me, the paranoid boyfriend. He just changed depending on when me and pj were doing good and when we were having issues. He changed whether or not his "chance" was still there. ya follow?

This is where it gets tricky. Pj, my girlfriend, is very good at being friends with guys. She grew up as somewhat of a tomboy (grew up into a gorgeous girl thankfully) and is very trusting of guys and lets them in close.

That is exactly how I got so close to her. I always let her know I'd be a friend, but i was always there as something more. She let me in closer than she was with her boyfriends. She called or texted me goodnight instead of her boyfriend. She talked to me at night until she passed out at 6am. we developed such a strong and deep bond.

So I'm worried that she'll let this other guy in as close as he can get, which he'll be more than happy to do, like she did with me...also pushing me out of the picture as she realizes what I'm missing out on that Joe has.

I trust her, but I know she's a teenager like me and "love" and "in love" are strange things. I don't know if she'll develop a bond like we have, thats where I'm worried. Like theres too much of an investment in me because we're more than just friends. And Joe is more than happy to be that go-to-guy for her. If I say anything its like I'm controlling and don't trust her or him.

...which i suppose is kind of the case here.

I could go on, but thats the big picture.
Any ideas?
Thoughts?
Should I let them be friends and not worry?


-JJ [[ B166ER ]]

There's a lot I want to say, but don't know how to say it without sounding negative. I will just jot it all down here:

You both are young still - pressures of relationships are never really handled correctly, speaking from experience of my own past relationships and those of my friends, both male and female. People change, trust me they do, especially before exiting their teens. people change a lot in who they are nd what they want. However, from what you've said you have no reason not to trust her, but should you start to question her, or not trust her you will only push her away, and potentially into Joes arms. You just have to let her be friends with who she wants to be friends with, and try to maintain a honest relationship, and hopes that should she want to be with Joe, she says before getting with him that cheating with you.

That being said, they may just be good friends, like you two were before you got together, and she never cheated on her ex with you, or left her ex for you when you were so close - so why should she cheat on you, or leave you for Joe? And you cannot expect her to tell you everything, or being open to only you because she will have things she needs to talk about with other friends, and you have to accept that.

My point being that she will want to have friends, and you cannot prevent that. She will also know in her heart who she wants to be with, and at the moment she is with you, so you should be happy and treat her no different. If you start to get jealous and try to question her friendship with Joe you're likely to push her away and lose her anyway. If Joe was any sort of real friend he should know and respect the boundaries between him and PJ. try speaking to him again and asking if he has any motives other than just being friends... Seems an odd scenario to me.

Good luck.

:) Well, after reading that whole entire thing...I can say one thing. Speak your mind. Instead of worrying about it, sit down and talk to Joe and Pj at different times (or together if you want) to clear the fog. It may be tough to do, but it will give you reassurance. Talking always helps :) Just ask Joe not to get too close. If he is your friend, he'll keep that in mind. Don't do it in a rude way though, because as Adam said, it could push Pj away. Keep it calm and simple.

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Originally Posted by Adam

There's a lot I want to say, but don't know how to say it without sounding negative. I will just jot it all down here:


That being said, they may just be good friends, like you two were before you got together, and she never cheated on her ex with you, or left her ex for you when you were so close - so why should she cheat on you, or leave you for Joe? And you cannot expect her to tell you everything, or being open to only you because she will have things she needs to talk about with other friends, and you have to accept that.

My point being that she will want to have friends, and you cannot prevent that. She will also know in her heart who she wants to be with, and at the moment she is with you, so you should be happy and treat her no different. If you start to get jealous and try to question her friendship with Joe you're likely to push her away and lose her anyway. If Joe was any sort of real friend he should know and respect the boundaries between him and PJ. try speaking to him again and asking if he has any motives other than just being friends... Seems an odd scenario to me.

Good luck.

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Thank you adam for your reassuring words.

I understand that I can't fill her entire world and she needs to have friends besides me. That being said, I know that its easier for girls to maintain cross-gender friendships than it is for guys.And like I said before, she grew up as somewhat of a tomboy so she's comfortable around guys and having them as friends. Guys and girls can be different like that. I'm worried she'll let him in too close, and he'll be all to happy to be there because his crush isn't gone.

By the way, she did cheat on her ex with me. Emotionally, mentally, physically (not sex, but not just kissing). We were going out on dates way before they got the label of "dates" ya know?



we broke up last night.

I picked her up from work and we got to talking. We still love each other very much but we decided we're both not ready and not mature enough for a relationship like this.


I woke up, felt like shit then went back to bed. (no lucidity...damn) Then got woken up by her txting me seeing how I was doing.
I found out her and Joe are hanging out right now watching a movie. She called him after we broke up last night and was crying and whining over the phone.

I was trying to be as polite as humanly possible about how she might want to be careful letting him so close, but she thought I was just being paranoid and jealous. I told her thats great that she has someone. Its not an issue now but it might be later down the road if he has dual-motives.

does thinking you're the last sane person on earth make you crazy?

I called her up and explained it better. it ended well.

thx for the input, both of you guys. I know, we're all teenagers. we're dumb :P

and creation, your sig is kickass.

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Originally Posted by B166ER

and creation, your sig is kickass.

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Aha yeah. Think it's aimed at me.

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I could go deeper on that, but anyways. Bottom line, I love this girl. I'm still very much in love with this girl. She's loves me, she says she's in love with me. but lately, i dont feel it from her.

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Two things that could've happened:
1) She doesn't like you anymore, or she doubts that she still likes you, and she's trying to not make you feel bad.
2) She's just having a rough patch herself. It may seem that she doesn't like you as much as at first anymore, but it may just be that she feels really bad.

The solution to both those problems?
Be the best you you can be. Be the person that, when she's with you, the world disappears, endless fun's going on. In other words: give her something to love.

As they normally say about women in these cases:
"Don't change her mind, change her mood".

You should strive to make her feel the best she's ever felt when she's with you. At least for now.

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Now, here's the problem
There's this other guy. he's a friend of mine. we'll call him Joe. Joe is good friends with my gf and me, we hang out. sometimes the 3 of us, sometimes more. But anyways, I've been getting hints that Joe likes Pj...like more than a friend. I called him on it...and basically, he does. It was obvious to me, the paranoid boyfriend. He just changed depending on when me and pj were doing good and when we were having issues. He changed whether or not his "chance" was still there. ya follow?

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Well well... A backstabber? Not really my cup of tea, but whatever floats his boat...

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This is where it gets tricky. Pj, my girlfriend, is very good at being friends with guys. She grew up as somewhat of a tomboy (grew up into a gorgeous girl thankfully) and is very trusting of guys and lets them in close.

So I'm worried that she'll let this other guy in as close as he can get, which he'll be more than happy to do, like she did with me...also pushing me out of the picture as she realizes what I'm missing out on that Joe has.

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Well... You simply cannot control them, what they do, or what they think.
The only thing you can change, guaranteed, 100%, is you.

If you'd want her to stay, or re-fall in love with you, then become or be the person that girls (or this girl, in your case) would want to fall in love with. The only thing you can really do is to become the best person you can be, and then just letting things happen.

So, go look at this Joe person. Observe what Pj finds so attractive about him, and emulate it. Find those positive traits, and develop them into yourself. Don't worry. You don't have to change who you are, you'll just develop a part of your personality in a positive way.

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I trust her, but I know she's a teenager like me and "love" and "in love" are strange things. I don't know if she'll develop a bond like we have, thats where I'm worried. Like theres too much of an investment in me because we're more than just friends. And Joe is more than happy to be that go-to-guy for her. If I say anything its like I'm controlling and don't trust her or him.

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I'll say it again. THEY are completely out of your control. So let them go. The only thing you can do for yourself, is to change into the best person you can be. In this case, into the person that the girl you like will definately fall in love with. So analyse yourself. Analyse your interactions with her. What's going right? What's going wrong? What can be improved? etc.

After that, you'll just have to wait and see.








... Shite... Aaaand here I am too late again -_-'

I'll just post this stuff so it wasn't in vain. Maybe you can learn something for your next relationship.

Good luck, anyhow.

-CD

It's a shame you broke up - I hope it was for the right reasons though? Doesn't sound like it from what you said? people learn about love and relationships all through their lives, so beaking up because you don't think you're mature enough doesn't sound like a good reason, you're both learning and understanding your feelings.

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Originally Posted by B166ER

thx for the input, both of you guys. I know, we're all teenagers. we're dumb :P

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I never said that! Just experience often tells you different.

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Originally Posted by Adam

It's a shame you broke up - I hope it was for the right reasons though? Doesn't sound like it from what you said? people learn about love and relationships all through their lives, so beaking up because you don't think you're mature enough doesn't sound like a good reason, you're both learning and understanding your feelings.



I never said that! Just experience often tells you different.

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Well the reason was in part because we couldn't handle the give and get that happens with relationships. We disagreed sometimes and couldn't live with the "agreeing to disagree" thing. Trying to stay yourself, trying to make the other person happy, that sort of thing.

Somehow it was just never a seamless transition from how we were in love mentally to in love with everything else involved too. It always felt like there was something between us. Something that wasn't there before. I'll think on it.
I felt this breakup coming so I'm not blindsided by it. wasn't ready for it but not surprised by it.

This whole Joe thing makes me really uncomfortable. If she complains about me to him, it kind of makes abstract feelings into solid thoughts, then magnified into solid words when it might have not been that big of a deal to begin with. Its good to talk about problems you can't solve to people, but Joe?? He's kind of got a biased opinion there.


haha yeah, i know you never said that adam. Thats just my motto. as teens, we're just dumb. we're learning to get better but for now, we're dumb :D

thx for the input peeps. its greatly appreciated. This is gonna be a confusing time coming up, i know that much for sure. its gonna be hard to close the lid on 2 years of liking somebody.

...she could see herself getting married to me.

Update-
Joe was never really an issue. I think with the way I acted, it kind of magnified the issue. To anyone out there reading this, don't do what I did. Have faith in a relationship instead until/if you get legitimate reason not to.

Thanks again for all your help guys. I know it sounds crazy but I think our love is beyond our age. We loved really intensly and fully at times but I think maturity level was critical and we just don't have it. We both still care a lot about each other, and thats kind of why we're not talking or anything anymore.

Anyways, thanks. -closed-