Stories about retarded situations time!

[Kiza]

We've all been in some fucked up situations. Whether you caused the situations to be, or the situations happened to you, I think it'd be good to hear some enlightening, entertaining and funny stories chucked out there. Humour is definitely welcome, of course. If you don't want to make it humorous, though, that's always welcome. Just try to make it interesting.

[Kiza]

I'll start off, with a story that I know is way too long! __________________________________________________ __ Okay, I have this friend, right. I know all stories start that way, but whatever, it's pretty important that he gets introduced early here. Let's call him “Sam”. Actually, his real name is Sam, so that's not a very good alias, but I'll go on. Sam, he's the one that introduced me to the antagonist of this story. And by antagonist, I mean “terrifying bitch”. To put it bluntly, this girl is a fatass. But that's not the reason she's a terrifying bitch. And she's ugly as hell. But that's not the reason either. She's annoying, too; she's the kind of person who tells jokes about how blondes are so dumb when she herself is brick dumb. There is seriously nothing more annoying than this girl, not even an ambulance parked right next to your ear while you're trying to sleep, blaring its siren out. But that's not even the reason. The reason why this girl is a terrifying bitch is that, one day after meeting Sam, she started sending him naked pictures of herself. That's the fucking reason. Sam, he's pretty weak with women. Well, considering him (and the females) are only around 16 or 17, more weak with girls, really. He lets them control him, and his last girlfriend had big breasts and seemed to think this made up for the fact that she was insane. Like, literally insane. She once slammed a guy's head against the wall so hard he didn't appear at the school until the next year. So, yeah, things haven't been too good for Sam with the whole ladies thing. And it was for this reason that she got his phone number from him and started sending him terrifying naked pictures of herself to him. Somewhere along the line she obviously mistook politeness from Sam for “I wanna have sex with your flappy, unwashed vagina, you terrifying girl”. So, she rings him up a few nights ago and decided to talk to him about nothing for 20 minutes or so. Keep in mind that I'm just retelling the story Sam told me, here, so for all I know she talked about nuclear physics for 20 minutes. Either that, or smoking. Did I mention she smoked? She did. So, in addition to being fat, ugly, annoying and terrifying, she smelled like the back-alley of a strip club too. Sweet! Sam showed me one of the pictures she had sent him. It was the one that was the “least naked” one, and judging by that picture alone, I certainly didn't want to see the ones that were “more naked”. It was pretty damn naked. I normally wouldn't elaborate on this, but at least a few lines of description are essential to understand the horror that is this girl. Her fat rolls come up under her bra like an ancient, gelatinous sea monster rising from the deep. She'd tried to push her breasts together, but unfortunately had been granted by the bitch that is Mother Nature large deposits of lard on her stomach, and a nearly completely flat chest. So it was like she had stomach breasts, except they had been lumped together in one solid mass. It's the kind of thing that you have to see to believe. I don't know if there's a God of Anatomy, but if there is, he fucked up pretty badly on her. So me and Sam, two or three days ago, we're walking to class, when she slips from somewhere and assaults us with her presence. Sam says, “Oh uh . . . hello.” We exchange a quick look. I recognise her face from the photos. Her beadly little eyes focus on me like the end of a cannon, and she asks Sam who this is. I desperately pray that she'll say someone else's name, say that I'm a French immigrant called Rosco Croissant, but he tells her my real name. Shit. She starts talking to him again, I dunno about what, probably about how smoking is so rad or how H-O-T she is - I wasn't really paying much attention, just thinking of ways to run. Eventually, she rounds on me like an angry Staff Sergeant called Punch Fistermeyer. I can just imagine her ordering me to get down and give her twenty push-ups. She straight up asks me for my phone number. No qualms, no nervousness, just asks for it. Now, from anyone else, I'd just take this as a friendly gesture, but from crazy-naked-pictures girl, I can envision a terrible future. I panic, and cast around for help. Sam is staring away from us. Fucker. So I say I don't have a phone. It's an excuse simple in its elegance, and I congratulate myself for coming up with such an excuse until I realise that during the whole conversation I'd been holding my phone in my hand. Directly. In. My. Hand. I try to pass the whole phone thing off as a joke, and she doesn't start rampaging and murdering the village people, and somehow a few minutes later I'm walking away from her with my digits entered neatly in her phone. I can just imagine her going through her list of contacts and sending them explicit pictures of herself, one after another. And now it's last night, and I'm sitting in my room listening to the Pixies' Monkey Gone to Heaven. Good song, and a song that's an absolute counterpart to what is about to occur. Just rename the last word and it could sum up the whole situation. It is with horror that I hear the beep of my phone receiving a text message. I freeze for a moment, and I think to to just ignore it, to try and pretend that I never did such a foolish thing as give that crazy woman my phone number, but then realise I have the kind of phone that beeps every three minutes until you look at the damn text. I can just imagine trying to go to sleep that night, still having not answered the text, shaking as I prepare for the phone to beep again and remind me of how foolish I had been. I curse myself, pick up the phone, and read the message. It's a picture of her. It's a god-damn picture of the crazy cow. There is nothing actually revealed – I can envision a future in which naked parts could be present; it is not a good future – but suffice to say that it is so close to naked that the terms “naked” and “not naked” are useless now that I have seen this picture. The shoulder straps of her bra are as low as they can be without being on the ground. I have to cut this whole thing off at its terrible head, I know. I rack my brains and come up with a brilliant excuse. A mind-blowing, original, shocking excuse that is so good that even if she doesn't believe it she will bow to my excuse-making abilities and back the fuck off. I will pretend to not be me. I text back saying, “Who are you?” and she replies saying, “It's ____”. It is her, I know. It is impossible that it could not be her, with a face like that. I try to think of something good, something that could put out in one go this crazy, awful fire I had got myself into. Eventually I text back saying I am from the police and I will personally come along to her house and arrest her ass if she dares text me lewd pictures of her again, and god-dammit girl I have a wife and child and what do you think this is, CRAZY TOWN? I say my name is Sergeant Gnod for the novelty of it. Dong backwards. Immature, I know, but nevertheless enjoyable. So she texts me back saying “Funny joke, _____”. So I just decide to man up, decide that this whole thing has gone way too far, and text her back, in simple, concise terms for a mongoloid like her. Trust me, there has never been anything more simple and concise than this. I racked my brains for a few moments, then see my cat stroll in. This doesn't give me any ideas until a few moments later when the cat starts rubbing up against me and rolling around. See, my cat is retarded. You can scratch her in a special spot on her back which will drive her crazy and make her ass rise up like a baboon, and just expose cat parts like she doesn't even care. You know the song . . . “Put your cat parts in the air like you just don't care," is one of the lyrics or something. I very carefully take my phone, make her raise her ass in the air like she's saluting the world . . . . . . and take a direct picture of my cat's ass and send it to the crazy girl. With no accompanying text, no insults; I wanted this to be simple and concise after all. She hasn't contacted me since.

[sol]

hahahahaa. Oh man that is pretty much the coolest story. Once when my sister and I were younger, don't ask me why but for some reason we were throwing a pair of her underwear over our pool to each other. She did one wild throw and threw them over the fence and they stuck to the side of our neighbours house up really high (they were wet, had already fallen in the pool). We had to ask our neighbour to get them, was real embarrassing, the lady had to spray them down with a hose....

[LifeStandsStill]

lol ^ Well there was this one time... Me, my sister, and my little brother were at home. About 20 minutes before it went down, I had made my brother some spaghetti-o's. Me and my sister liked to run and jump over the love seat from behind and land on it sometimes. We're stupid I know. So my sister was being all funny and went to jump over it. She landed in the floor in front of the love seat instead, with her leg twisted a little. She was crying/laughing and I couldn't stop laughing, and my little brother couldnt stop laughing either. The laughing proceeds for maybe 2 minutes. My sister is still on the floor, laying how she landed. I look at her leg, and instant disgust overwhelms me with grossness yet laughter too... apparently our little brother never told us he threw up his spaghettios. Laughing, and gagging, I tell my sister, "You landed in puke" (or something like that. its been a good while.) And shes like, "Whaaat?" My brother proceeds to throw up again. (I guess its kind of important to know we have tile floors all through our house.. or well our old house.) My sister stands up finally, and her jeans are a beautiful display of chunky and creamy orange vomit. Normally, this wouldn't affect me, but it did. I didn't make it to the trash can due to the fact I was laughing I guess, and I threw up midway in the kitchen. I hear my sister gagging and she threw up where she was standing. My brother throws up again, and then I throw up again. This time making it in the trash can. My sister throws up again where shes standing. She was trying to tell my brother to go to the bathroom or to the trash can to throw up. But I guess the awful smell ultimately made her throw up again before she could get all of her sentence out. I told my brother to come stand over the trash can, I was done with the sickness of it all and already cleaning up the mess that came out of my stomach. He didn't make it, and threw up again in the room that was inbetween the kitchen and the living area, which was carpeted. And see I didn't see this happen, because I was trying to clean up my vomit. So when I was walking to hand my sister some paper towels in the living room, I step in the shit. And have to run back to the trash can because the feel of it is so gross on my foot. So I limp/run/walk back to the kitchen and throw up again. After we got it all cleaned up we called our mother and she told her co workers and they couldnt stop laughing. I'll never forget it.

[Lëzen]

So this one happened a week from yesterday. My friend Slip and I went to Henry Coe state park for an overnight "camping" trip. We just packed a bunch of snacks, a lantern, and Slip's laptop and guitar before rolling. Oh, and some green, if you know what I mean. It was a very haphazardly planned outing, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, the drive up there was hell: Windy, extremely narrow mountain roads without clearly defined lanes + hairpin turns + sheer drop-offs + nighttime + intense fog + starting to drizzle + strong winds = pants-shitting goodness. Once we got there, it was freezing balls (I had stupidly forgotten my jacket), and we had forgotten to bring any kind of matches with which to light the lantern, so we were pretty much confined to staying in my truck. We got high, ate our snacks and watched Pineapple Express - which is so much funnier when high - and eventually got out of the truck to explore our campsite. Slip was examining an area that sloped downhill quite sharply, and I was warning him not to get too close...he's a noob stoner, after all. Luckily, he didn't fall down. We leaned against the truck for a while, talking about this and that, and we looked at an area across from us where people were walking around with flashlights. It scared the shit out of us, since it looked kind of like they were shining it in our direction and scoping us out...images of rangers on patrol confronting us while we were high ran through my mind. But, they were just campers walking to the restroom area. Eventually, we got back in the car and crashed out. In the morning, we had cereal and we continued to walk around, exploring things. Concluding that the main camp areas were boring, Slip decided to walk down the grassy slope from the night before. He was telling me "Dude, it's not nearly as steep as we thought it was. We can totally hike down this." Stupidly, I followed him. At one point, it got even more steep, and it turned from grassy to dirt covered in fallen leaves...i.e., more slippery, unstable terrain than before. He was trying to convince me that it wasn't all that steep further down where he was at, and so I - again stupidly - followed him down further. At one point, I fell on my butt and started sliding downhill, picking up speed. I ended up turning horizontal and slammed into a tree. That right there should have been my cue to turn back, but instead I got up, brushed myself off, and continued to follow him down. Shortly thereafter, I stopped my descent at a tiny little tree, looking up behind me; I knew for a fact that I wouldn't be able to get back up. Slip was a little further down, and even he - being quite athletic, not to mention way more fit than I - was having some major difficulties just getting back up to where I was. His saving grace was a root sticking out of the ground that he used as a foothold, but I had nowhere else to go, for on either side of me was nothing but steep slope, and reaching the nearest tree that would help me back uphill would have been a leap of faith of unrealistic proportions. So basically, I was stuck. Slip managed to climb back up the way we had came, vowing to come back with a ranger. When he did come back with a ranger, they didn't bring a rope as I had been expecting. Rather, the ranger got in between me and the tree I had previously been thinking about leaping at, telling me to take his hand so that he could swing me over. I was amazed that he didn't start to slide down as I made my transition. Anyway, once I got to that tree, it was pretty much all good, with the ranger instructing me on where to walk and how to conserve my energy. He was a cool guy and didn't even chastise us about our misadventure...rather, he treated it as a simple incident of "off-trail hiking" gone awry. Which I guess it was, but I would normally be of the mind that hiking down such an area would be against park regulations. Oh, and as a final kick in the balls, I had never bothered to check the fuel guage before leaving, and after the drive up, the needle was exactly ON Empty. So Slip had to use his AAA card to bring someone up with a gallon of gas...which, for some stupid reason, took almost three hours. Lessons learned: -Always fuel up before leaving, even if you're pretty sure you have enough gas for a round trip -Leave prepared -Don't go off-trail without some kind of fail-safe (in our case, some rope)

[Man of Steel]

Kiza, that is the funniest story I have heard in a very long time. And I read your stories on a regular basis. *bows* LSS, for some reason all I can think of is that episode of Family Guy. If you don't know the one, you probably don't want to. Edit: Lëzen, if I was there I'd have saved your asses. At least you learned some valuable lessons. My own story? Some of you may remember this. The week after it came out, I went to see Taken. When I called, there was a 2:15 pm showtime. So we all (me and my parents) went to town, and the parents dropped me off at the theater, and were supposed to be going to Wal-Mart to do some grocery shopping. I should go ahead and say now that I do not have my own car. So I pretty much rely on my parents for transportation: often inconvenient, sometimes embarrassing, and rarely completely reliable. I should also mention that I don't have a cell phone anymore, since I never used it when I had it. So I scrapped it. Anyway, they dropped me off in front of the theater, in downtown, then headed off to (presumably) Wal-Mart. Problem was, there was no 2:15 showtime. The theater wasn't even open. So there I was, without a cellphone, and knowing my mom's wouldn't be on. She's notorious for never bothering/remembering to turn her phone on. So I decided to walk the three miles through, then out of, town to Wal-Mart, hoping to find them there. I got to Wal-Mart a half hour later. I figured I'd be all day finding them if I just headed inside, so I figured to be safe, I'd better check the parking lot for our car first, to make sure they hadn't got sidetracked. Sure enough, search though I did, I couldn't find the car. So I waited, figuring they'd show up soon. No trace by 3:30, so I decided I'd find a payphone and try to call my mom's cell anyway. Sure enough, it was off. So I headed back up the road (note that for the better part of the the trip, it was beside a busy highway with NO sidewalks, and the rest of the way, in town, was hectic too) to the theater. I stopped and got a strawberry shake at Burger King on the way back, to cool off in both senses. Oh, and I was wearing my old, but nice, shoes, which hurt like hell to walk in. Not a complaint, just a fact. I got back to the theater just a few minutes before my parents were due to pick me up. I found a bench by the drop-off/pick-up lane and sat myself down to rest and seethe, and waited. A few minutes after I sat down, a middle-aged and presumably black guy walked by, asked me how I was, then said, "That's good, Homes." in the most solemn, deep voice. It was surreal. Then he sat himself down two benches down from me, a cup of liquor in one hand and a joint in the other, singing at the top of his lungs. That guy was hilarious. He made me smile, do a reality check, and realize that hey, it wasn't such a sucky day after all. So by the time my parents pulled up (late, even, by some twenty minutes) to pick me up, I was in a slightly better mood. Not much better, but slightly. Turns out they had been to Salvation Army, which was only about a mile away, if that, and then to Food Lion. So they had groceries, and had to go home. I pretty much said I wasn't leaving till I saw the movie. There was a showtime at 5:15, so I managed to convince them to just go home and unload, then come back and pick me up after it was over. Oh, and the kicker? I didn't sleep at ALL Wednesday night: I pulled an all-nighter. When they picked me up we went out to eat Chinese, then when we got home I crashed and slept till noon the next day. It was worth it, though. Taken was GREAT!

[hellohihello]

You should really write some books. I enjoy reading your work. I'll post some tomorrow when I'm not half asleep.

[Universal Mind]

The summer after 11th grade, I was in Destin, Florida. A friend and I met two girls from Birmingham, Alabama on the beach one day and arranged for them to meet us that night. The girls seemed pretty straight laced and were probably virgins. It was more in style to be straight laced in the 80's. We ended up all four sitting in a hot tub by a swimming pool about twenty minutes after we met up with them. While we were in the hot tub, a condom floated out of my pocket and went up to the surface of the water. The girl sitting next to me noticed it before I did. She mentioned it to just me, so I fake chuckled and quietly told her it was my friend's. Then the other two noticed it. Things were really awkward for the next few minutes. After talking about other stuff for a little bit, I made a comment about all of the off the wall things people left in the pool area. I was like, "... scuba masks, sun tan lotion, earrings..." and one one of the girls said, "... condoms..." So I said, "Yeah, and condoms..." as if that was just one more thing on the list. It didn't work. The girls kept acting sort of pissy and soon said they had to get back to their condo. Fail.

[hellohihello]

and for your information id appreciate it if you'd stop talking about me to alternatives! i don't have the minuscule desire to do with u! and if u must know Josh has NOT changed me, if anything for the better. A girl sent me that. I think she used the big words wrong though, the sentences don't make sense. And the last part of the email had no relevance to what we were talking about.. Does this make me retarded that I can't understand how the words work here? Or is this person the retard of the situation? What the heck does alternatives mean? I've never heard it in a sentence like that.

[grasshoppa]

I drove with 5 buddies from Ontario to Calgary. Did I mention we did it in a 30 year old RV? We broke down within the first 3 hours. We went through the US and got searched like crazy, then we went to some town after we broke down again. It was super fucking hilly, and there was typical hippie-esque pot shop, American flags everywhere (I think it was patroits day, but it was still funny.) We broke down 7-8 times over all, picked up a hitch hiker, spent about 3times as much money (each) as it would have cost to take a plane, it took us about a week and a day to get there when it should only have taken 2 days with night stops. OH yea, I forgot to mention that while we pulled into a hotel to get directions we drove into an 8ft clearance entrance. Ripped the air conditioner right off. Ahh, good, retarded times.

[no-Name]

I was at a christian camp thing, and I'm in the main hall. This Christian comedy team comes on stage and does some stuff, they start improvising, and get some audience participation thing going on/mock Whose Line. Audience writes pop phrases off TV, including "Just Do It,' 'I'm lovin' it,' 'so easy a caveman can do it' and etc. They wrote these on cards and they put them up on stage for actors to pick up. so the scene is set where this guy's coming into a stranger's house, and the stranger introduces his wife. so he says "The first thing I thought when I saw her was-" at this point he picked up a card, and it says 'just do it.' Was lulz, 600+ kids in there at the time, probs more It goes on when he tries to regain the 'clean' comedy aspect and the stranger says 'my buddies gave me some advice when I asked them about her, they said-' and now picking up another card; "So easy a caveman can do it." Entire crowd is gone laughing, nothing that night tops that set. best best best. mostly just funnny stuff. /r/ing Catbus e;<3Catbus also bump

[Catbus]

Ah, alright. So me and a group of friends decided to end a fun semester in AP biology by going to the zoo. The day started of normally, no major disturbances. We worked our way around all of the exhibits, eventually making it to the African exhibits. When we first passed through the chimpanzee exhibit, all was calm. The alpha male, Hondo was his name, appeared to be studying our group. He just sat by the glass, staring. After growing bored, we decided to head on to the elephant/rhino exhibit. As we finish up with that, we heard some commotion coming from the chimp exhibit. There was roaring, howling, and other noise that one would associate with violent chimpanzee behavior. As we arrive back at the exhibit, all hell has appeared to have broken loose. Multiple underling chimps were throwing their bodies into the glass (which the zookeeper said was their way of saying "fuck you, I'm stronger"). After a few minutes, most of the wild behavior died down, but we remained at the exhibit anyway. We noticed that Hondo had picked up a rock, and was holding it to his ear. We remarked as to how it looked like he was holding a cell phone, the whole situation was quite comical. At this point, Hondo is probably 30 feet away from the barrier wall. I should probably take this time to explain what the actual area that we are in is like. There was a roof over part of the exhibit, but that ended about 20 feet or so before the actual barrier, which was a large, reinforced glass wall. This glass wall was probably about 15-20 feet tall, if I had to guess. So there is open sky above where group and I are standing. This is important. Anyway, so Hondo is sitting on a log about 30 feet away from us holding this cellphone rock. Hondo then abruptly stood up and began, for lack of a better term, waggling. It looked like he was doing some sort of happy dance, almost. However, it's safe to assume that Hondo's intentions at this point were anything but happy. After waggling for about 10 seconds, Hondo quickly jumped down from the log, and began running toward the glass barrier. Now, there are chips and nicks all over the barrier, so I'm thinking that he's just going to toss the rock into the barrier and then continue to go about whatever alpha male chimps do. Now, and I should have noticed this as he was running, chimps don't run on their hind legs. They instead use all four limbs to travel across the ground. Because of this, Hondo couldn't toss the rock like I had assumed he would have, over hand. He instead threw his arm back, and then released a mighty underhand toss. (I should note, at this point he's probably 15 feet from the barrier) I watched the rock soar into the air, stupefied. I absolutely KNEW that the rock would hit the top of the barrier, I couldn't think of any other out come of the situation. I was a human being on the opposite side of a tall, reinforced glass wall. There was absolutely no way that a chimpanzee, alpha male or not, could harm me. At this point, the rock is still climbing in altitude. I remember the moment as clearly today as when it happened. In a split second, I was no longer watching the rock from behind the glass, but rather watching the rock with the empty sky as a back drop. The rock had made it over the glass. At this point the rock began to rise a little bit more slowly, and it soon began to fall. The thoughts that cross through your mind when you're in such a vulnerable state are infinitely interesting. I feel like I processed more bits of information in the 10 or so seconds that has passed than I have at any other point in my life. The idea that this rock was about to land within 5 feet of me was dumbfounding, "this can't happen!" I repeatedly thought to myself. My friend Elijah was the one who made contact with the rock. Being a teenager with a smart phone, he is an avid texter. He actually spent all of this time texting, instead of observing the rock that was careening toward him. Luckily, since the rock wasn't going to hit him dead center, and he had finished texting, he was able to put up his hand in an attempt to block it. He didn't successfully catch it, but he did keep it from hitting his shoulder area. This is where another interesting twist is added to the story. As we're all trying to come to grips with the fact that a chimpanzee was actually able to threaten our security, one of the zoo keepers near by walks over to us, picks up the rock, throws it into a little garden area, and walks off like absolutely nothing happened. After a few minutes of silence, we realized that we needed to keep this rock. We sifted through the garden, and eventually found it. Once it became evident that no more antics were to occur, we decided to head back to the parking lot to begin our journey home. As we were leaving, one of the ticket women stopped Elijah and told him that he couldn't keep the rock that he was holding, since it was zoo property and taking it would be considered theft. Thinking on his agile feet, he replied "I got this rock from my car" and quickly exited through the turnstile, never looking back. It wasn't until car ride home that thoughts of premeditated malice began floating through my head. My friend Alex and I began discussing the fact that the ONLY reason that we returned to the chimpanzee exhibit was because we heard all of the commotion, and thus our interest was drawn. Upon arriving, the chimpanzees were throwing themselves into the glass, which kept our attention. Yet, after Hondo through the rock there was no more commotion. Why was this? I couldn't put my finger on the answer that my intuition was providing. "Did Hondo orchestrate the commotion in order to draw a crowd of humans?" Alex asked. Neither of us said anything for the next ten minutes or so. To this day, the fact that I will never know Hondo's true intentions still eats away at me. Also, here's two pictures of the rock Spoiler for Hondo's rock: This one was taken after we found the rock in the garden. Notice the size of the rock compared to Elijah's head. This one was taken later at our biology teacher's house. This picture really shows how darn sharp that rock was (which makes me wonder whether Hondo realized that the rock was so dangerously sharp).

[no-Name]

Holy fuck I love Catbus <3<3<3