A entry from my journal for a change

**Lucius** · 02-18-2004 02:07 PM

~When I find myself again~

I figured I'd post a dream for a change, I usually am too lazy to post my dreams, but not today I gues : P, just note that this an direct ccopy of my dream journal so alot might not make sense to most you. Exept the parts in between ( )

I am in the astral, I seem to have lost all recall of going to sleep or maybe I projected? I could not remember at the time, all I knew is that I was within the astral. I was inhabiting my astral form/body so that comfirmed for me, that I was there.

The surrounding seems darkish, shady. The smell of darkness comes upon me,no, I am simply afraid then, a shadowey figure, male walks up to me from the dark nothing somewere. I reconize him, after so many years he had returned, I saw him in my childhood many times,he was a father for me back then.. I am not going to tell anything about him in detail,because I never told anybody anything about him much..but..he did indeed return.

I see his face, I cant see his expression, is he smiling? And should I be happy to see him? Or perhaps not. Suddenly a loud shrieking noice comes upon me, it came many times before, its so loud and high pitched it hurts my ears, its like a scream, that too came with me from my chidlhood. I always called they are screaming, or they are crying. Who are they? I never knew. Though it hurts my ears, it is asif it hurts something else, because I simply walk around not truely in pain..but more it hurts me in my heart.

Suddenly I see flashes, images of some time back..when he was still around, and then images of when HE was still around..(yes its simply my journal entry, you dont need to understand, only a few here will). I remember how it was back then, but I had forgotten for some reason, my own mind clouded with my own ambitions and obsessions, how could I have forgotten in the first place? What was it that made me lose this balance..the harmony I had within myself back then, perhaps, it were the problems in the pshysical that harmed my astral mind. Caught up in negative emotions, fooled by no other then myself, and I blaim them, the deamons, but they were never the blaim in the first place, it was me.

For that moment I realized I was strugeling with myself all the time, but then I started figuring out the stuff again, I already figured out before, but had forgotten. I was fighting a battle against darkness at first, but darkness did not exist, at least, not in the sense my clouded mind was figuring it. There is no dark and light, there is only yin and yang, and even that, the contrast of black and white is a severe error figuring people always see black as evil. Its how you use one dark or light value, turning it into either good and evil, but both can be good and evil. (I always use the example of "law" which is a lightside value, but can be good "Justice" and evil "Tyrany", same with Chaos which is darkside, Freedom/Confusion).

I realized, that choosing sides of eithe rof these neutral forces would be foolish thing to do, chosing sides in advance woul be very foolish with such things anyway, either can make mistakes, and one must swap between sides to upkeep the balance. I remembered that the innocents must be protected and try and stop all evil was my way, but I never chose sides..I was the a wanderer, a rogue, but, a Robin Hood. Sometimes allied with light, sometimes with darkness, yin or yang, we should not even use terms like it all, its simply prejuice. Both makes mistakes and do wrong things, I had to stop see the world in black and white again, and regain my sight. Any injustice against innocent beings, and that which upsets the harmony,balance and peace of the planet and cosmos must be stopped, or at least, tried to be stopped. Do what you want, but dont cause harm to others, or the balance and cosmos and its ok. I gues the wiccan were right about that one with their slogan..

The flashes are gone, the realisations are there, I feel renewed. How had I forgotten all that, I dont know. The man is in front of me, he is smiling, so am I. Then he disapears, behind me, I see him(not the man...I told you it was vague but some here will know what it all means), I feel happy. He disapears aswell, then there is just me. Me, found again.