Have We Lost Ourselves?

[vertical horizon]

Have We Lost Ourselves? My name is matt… not that it’s important. What is important cam to me after getting off the phone with an ex-girlfriend. It was around nine Monday night September 20th 2004, when I called her. She had been sick earlier so I wanted to see how she was doing. The conversation started as all others do, (hey, what’s up, what are you doing, how are you.) We talked about our plans for homecoming and what was going on this Friday, when I started to realize that we weren’t really talking. She wasn’t even there, just a voice at the end of the receiver, maybe its because at the same time we were supposedly talking she was typing in her online chat room, to one hundred people at once. At first I was a little annoyed as she read everything typed to me. And then after trying to start a real conversation, I got fed up. Then I did something… I hung up. At first I kept the phone pushed tightly against my ear almost waiting for someone to ask why. I sat up, looked in the mirror, and saw someone I haven’t seen before. It was me. I guess I’ve had a bumpy ride through this game of life. In June of 2003 I lost my mom. She didn’t die, she committed suicide, but I don’t think of it like that. I can’t. I didn’t think anything was wrong with her, I couldn’t see it, and I don’t think I will for sometime. But, what happened did happen and what I did cannot be changed. At first it was real, the two police officers and priest who came to my door to tell me she was gone. All the tears, the emotions that ran through my body, but I was not strong enough so I went to sleep for a long time and haven’t fully woken up yet. I moved a couple streets down and made friends with people I actually thought were friends, stayed out late, disregarded the law, and when ever I felt myself “waking up” I brought myself back down. Alcohol, drugs, and trouble consumed me and I became lost. In the begging I tried to find myself, but I gave up quickly and fell even further. I’m not sure I regret it or feel like a new person even now, but I do feel like I want to find myself again. My friends couldn’t understand why I wrote down my dreams or why I listened to the same song over and over again. The song I must have played and an listening to right now is called meant to live. The chorus goes like this “We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves, somewhere we live inside, somewhere we live inside. The truth is I don’t even completely understand why I do that either. It’s ok because I believe in letting things happen and not rushing them. The hard thing with me is that I can’t hold on, I can’t hold on to a thought, idea, or emotion as long as I need to. And that brings me to why I wrote this. First it was my hatred for artificiality, then, to explain my actions in the past year, now it’s my attempt at holding on. Holding on to the small piece of me I have found. As for everyone else, well, I guess I just want to find someone to talk to. I wrote this a little while ago, and showed it to a friend of mine. We disgused it and it really made me think about the intagability of human emotions and how ever changing they are. Sorry for the randomness

[ThomasELEN]

We all have a purpose in life. You never know when some event happens that leads you to that purpose. Some go their entire lives with no purpose. They never found it and they live their entire lives with this emptiness feeling constantly on their shoulder. We're all going to die one day. I want to find my purpose so that on my dying day, I won't look back and regret anything. Our time in this physical body is constantly ticking away. What a tragedy it is for people to throw away their entire time in this world. I want my ending to be joyful with no tragedy.

[Abu Dhabi]

I suggest... ritalin. No, really, forgive me that crack. Have you ever thought of talking to yourself? Sorry once more. ... No, no more cracks. I've read your article, but I don't seem to understand it. A little too chaotical for myself. (Even though I like chaos, namely MY chaos.) What is the problem here? Are you just lonely and need to talk about something other than: - Are you alive? - Yes. Are you? - Yes. Is Someone alive? ... ?

[vertical horizon]

I'm not sure if I understand what you’re saying. The significant point (if any) of my article is the reason for its existence. Maybe, I didn’t point that out. When I wrote this, I was in a different "mood" "point of view" umm... hard to explain really, but I knew that this was a feeling that wouldn't remain, and I think that’s why I wrote it. I wrote this a little while ago, and showed it to a friend of mine. We disgused it and it really made me think about the Intangibility of human emotions and how ever changing they are. Sorry for the randomness[/b] In a nutshell: I wanted to remember this feeling because i knew it would slip away. If this makes sense to you then I worship you.

[sensi]

Hey Vertical Horizon, I can totally understand you. My mum left when I was 14 leaving just me and my dad. I was closer to him anyway so this was ok. A year later he was diagnosed with terminal cancer he died when I was 16 leaving me totally alone in this world. I turned to drugs at 14 to numb myself, all of this was too much for me to bear. I took all kinds of drugs for ten years. As the pain got worse the more I turned to harder drugs. It took me almost loosing my life to want to live again, to want to feel again. I’ve been clean now for 5 years and now I feel blessed to be alive. Life is a beautiful thing. It’s a shame that sometimes you must go through the most traumatic experiences to understand life. All people have different lessons to learn. I have no doubt you will find peace with your self and your situation. It will come to you when you and your soul are ready. Please be gentle with your self. It’s ok to feel even if it is so fucking intense. This is how you will get yourself back. Just take it easy though. Small steps towards the big picture. I’m thinking of you. Peace Sensi. X

[vertical horizon]

hey that really means alot to me. Thanks for understanding. Its hard for most people to be there for anyone other than themselves. -matt

[sensi]

Hey no worries, I thinks its just hard to relate to anything you have not experienced first hand. You then can only imagine, for some people that is even to much. If you ever do need to talk just PM me. Peace Sensi.

[Acid_Alex]

I can relate i wont go into all thats happened to me , but i got into various drugs , and never seem to be able to hold on to my dreams and ideas like you. i have often felt lost inside myself with no-way out, but i know it will get better. taking each day as it comes, finding yourself and your love for life again. my problem is that i still find it very hard not to give in to the temptation of drugs i still smoke pot everyday

[Maystar]

i still find it unbelieveable how much our emotions influence/control our outlook on life. at the end of the day, it is our emotions that change the perception of our life when everything or nearly everything remains the same. in the case of death, the world still carries on how it used to be, as do the people and all inhabitants that are here - unless they are close to the loved one. it's okay to greive and feel intense emotion, but you have to be careful not to let it consume you. certain things that happen are really sad and have no logic and seem unfair - this is the way of life. there are still so many beautiful and wonderous things to live for and you mustn't let you emotions engulf you completely, blinkering you to such awareness. when i speak of 'you', i mean the collective 'you' and not just specifically you..!

[Acid_Alex]

So very true i love it when people put things into word , its a skill i dont seem to have.

[Yogi Bare]

The significant point (if any) of my article is the reason for its existence. Maybe, I didn’t point that out. When I wrote this, I was in a different \"mood\" \"point of view\" umm...[/b] I don't think you need to justify yourself, what you're saying seems plain enough to me. If someone else doesn't get it then it's their problem. Hope it all works out.