The New Church

[Belisarius]

Me and a group of followers are starting a new church. Here are some of our beliefs: God used to exist, but then Chuck Norris gave him a roundhouse-kick to the face and he ceased to be. Chuck Norris naturally took over his job. Chuck Norris shits out perfect dodecahedrons just to display his precision and skill. If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unmatchable martial arts abilities. Right after they closed the deal Chuck Norris gave the devil a roundhouse kick to the face and took his soul back. Satan, appreciating the irony, couldn't stay mad for long and they now play poker every other Wednesday. Chuck Norris wasn't birthed like a normal child, he punched his way out of his mother's womb, through her body, and out her head. Over the years there has been some confusion about this, leading to a popular legend about him emerging fully grown and clad in armor, in reality he was not fully grown, but did have a beard and fully functional genitals. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in one hour, 50 minutes of which he spent f*cking the waitress. Chuck Norris decided to build a time machine one day to go back and stop the Kennedy assassination. As Oswald fired he deflected all three bullets with his beard. Kennedy's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried. Chuck Norris' ball sweat is so acidic that the only substance in the universe that can withstand it is Chuck Norris' balls. To prove it isn't a such a big deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris once smoked 13 packs of cigarettes a day for seven months and acquired 47 different types of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for three minutes. Take that Lance Armstrong! Chuck Norris has more descendants than Abraham. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booyah!" The only thing more powerful than Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is... wait, there is nothing more powerful than Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. The red on Chuck Norris isn't blood, it's a warning sign. One day Chuck Norris had a Jewish carpenter named Jesus make him numchukus. He then hit Jesus with the numchukus and they broke. Chuck Norris became angry and nailed him to a cross. Three days later Chuck Norris felt sorry for him and raised him from the dead. Chuck Norris was the fourth wiseman. He gave Jesus the gift of "Beard". The other wisemen became jealous and used their combined influence to keep Jesus out of the bible, shortly thereafter they all died roundhouse kick related deaths. We hold these and our other beliefs to be sacred and undeniable truth. If you don't join this Church, Chuck Norris will kill you. Do you swear by this creed as well?

[Ex Nine]

Sounds a lot like the new Protestantism.

[R.Carter]

Thanks for the first real laugh I've had all morning. Do initiates have to go through a branding ritual? Possibly a mark on the forehead with acidic ball sweat? Baptism by roundhouse?

[Neruo]

I don't see what's so new about this religion. The only thing is that they replaced 'god' with 'chuck norris'. =D

[bradybaker]

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within 100 mile radius of the blast went deaf. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire.

[InTheMoment]

Chuck Norris' ball sweat is so acidic that the only substance in the universe that can withstand it is Chuck Norris' balls. [/b] My ball sweat is tangy, with a Vinegar & Salt flavored taste. Not quite as Divine as Chuck's, but noteworthy nonetheless. ~

[R.Carter]

LMAO! I'll never eat those chips again!

[Ex Nine]

Originally posted by bradybaker A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, \"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!\" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. That is one of the top ten funniest jokes I've ever heard.