Thread: Tree Rape

Ok mods, I've tried posting this on the New Grounds forum but they deleted it, but you guys are usually cool, so let's try and get some answers to this question. I'm dieing to know.

Let's say you woke up one night to find that a tree had snuck into your house and was raping you. Yes. A tree. How would you react?

OW. Splinters.

Look for the vaseline and the nearest knot-hole

Scream. Loudly.

Ask it if was a boy or girl.

I'd wriggle free, find an axe and chop it an new one... then use the axe handle to revenge rape it.

Originally Posted by Vex

I'd wriggle free, find an axe and chop it an new one... then use the axe handle to revenge rape it.[/b]

Yikes! Sounds like someone likes their revenge a little too much

~Ryo

Reach for a lighter. If a tree is raping you, you have probably been smoking something, so you will probably have a lighter. If you don't have one, try other methods. Always go for the limbs. Break off as many as you can. That's what I was taught. The first limb you should break off is the tree's penis. After the limbs, tear off bark and keep tearing it off. But first tell the tree that if it doesn't get off of you, you are going to burn down its whole forest. After it leaves (as in, goes away, not the other meaning), call the police and report the tree. They should figure that any tree driving a car or with roots completely out of the ground is the one. Then go to a doctor so you can prove in court that you were raped by a tree. They can do a DNA match. After the tree is sentenced, take it to civil court and sue it out of everything it ever owns again. Then call the Lifetime Movie Network so they can make a movie about it. The movie can start out with how sweet and caring the tree seemed in the beginning and how crazy it started going.

@ Universal Mind.

You really put a lot of thought into that. Or... have you done this before?

Originally Posted by Universal

Reach for a lighter. If a tree is raping you, you have probably been smoking something, so you will probably have a lighter. If you don't have one, try other methods. Always go for the limbs. Break off as many as you can. That's what I was taught. The first limb you should break off is the tree's penis. After the limbs, tear off bark and keep tearing it off. But first tell the tree that if it doesn't get off of you, you are going to burn down its whole forest. After it leaves (as in, goes away, not the other meaning), call the police and report the tree. They should figure that any tree driving a car or with roots completely out of the ground is the one. Then go to a doctor so you can prove in court that you were raped by a tree. They can do a DNA match. After the tree is sentenced, take it to civil court and sue it out of everything it ever owns again. Then call the Lifetime Movie Network so they can make a movie about it. The movie can start out with how sweet and caring the tree seemed in the beginning and how crazy it started going.[/b]

Too true. XD at the rest of that post.

I used to go to the Newgrounds forums, until I found out it sucked

I would not enjoy it, I don't think wood in my rectum is all that comfortable. I would like, fight it off... Then do an RC, a lot of RCs.

It would probably give me a woodie

HAR HAR HAR very punny.

I have developed a fool proof strategy to never be raped. It is very simple. Whenever a rapist attempts to rape you, simply say, "I consent to this." Viola, no rape.

Do a reality check?

If Bruce Campbell was dead he'd be rolling around in his grave...

... he's not, so he can't... but he would.

Bruce Campbell is really cool.