my story. like it?

[Rozzy]

this is a story i ust started working on this morning. help me revise... and i am not quite done as you can see... No title… By aorozco It was a dark, stormy night. The trees were rustling in the wind, creating the illusion of thousands of wings fluttering nonstop. Sharise was in her house. She had put plastic on all the windows, as she knew a storm would be present, and lit a fire in the fireplace. She turned on the TV in anticipation of her favorite show. She grabbed her drink and walked to the microwave to heat up some popcorn, but as she did, she felt an eerie presence behind her. She looked over both her shoulders and kept walking, although a bit spooked. Suddenly the eerie feeling that someone was watching her came back and it sent shivers down her spine. She looks over her shoulder once again and thunder roars in her ears, making her jump. Her glass shattered onto the floor. “Crap,” she whispers. She heads to her closet to fetch a broom and dustpan, avoiding the glass as she goes. She sweeps up the mess and sighs out loud. “He’s gone Sharise, he’s gone and he’s not coming back.” She sighs of relief. She goes back to watching her show. “I know he’s gone, I know, but I still feel like he’s watching every move I make.” Says sharise into the phone. “It sends shivers down my spine…, I met this guy, his names Charles. He seems like just the guy to replace carter with. But I’m not sure…” “Well hon. If you want to have some company I can come on over.” Leila replied. “ that would be nice. Want me to come get you?” asked Sharise. “No, I’ll be right over.” replied Leila. An hour passed by and stilled no Leila. Sharise was getting worried. She picked up the phone and dialed Leila’s number. The phone rang and rang but to no avail. Suddenly she hears a Tim McGraw ‘live like your dying’ ringtone. She tries to hear where it’s coming from, so she dials again. It sounds like it’s coming from upstairs. She cautiously moves up the stairs. She dials the number one more time and she hears the ringing commence. She hangs up and the ringing suddenly stops. “Leila?” she whispered, “Is that you?” she hears her bedroom door shut. She creeps up to it and pushes the door open. Instant blackness takes over as she slumps to the ground. Sharise, awakens in a dark room. She suddenly feels the radiation of pain surrounding her head. She moans out inertly trying to keep the pain from overwhelming her. She tries to grab her head, but in her attempts, realizes that they have been bound. She begins to panic, and tries to scream. As if coming out of a reverie, she feels unreal, and as if everything were false. She can’t seem to scream. She is gagged. As she tries to take this all in, she comes to a realization. Carter. That’s who’s behind this. She struggles against the bindings. To her avail the hand bindings loosen up, causing her hand to slip through. She reaches up to rip out the gag, when she hears a voice. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you…, see if you do, your little friend leela, is it?” “Leila,”yells Leila. “ah, Leila here will get a knife to the Brachial artery. Don’t want that to happen do ya?” “mmhhh,hhhmmm…” mumbles Sharise.

[Grod]

So you can use capitalization, proper grammar and spelling.

[hungrymanz]

So you can use capitalization, proper grammar and spelling. They invented spell-check for people like her.

[Grod]

They also invented nooses and straight-edge razors.

[spockman]

I like some of your metaphors and how you lead into them at times, but sometimes cliche's are used to lead in. Apply the creativity in some of them to all of them. Also, build up your story more. The best horror writers climax beautifully. Although yours and his style are very different, read Poes 'Fall of the House of Usher' to get an idea how to develop a horror story. Specific parts in it are good when looking at it as independantly, but ascending the parts together is somewhat lacking.

[no-Name]

the last time someone tried towrite a book in S/B, they got elephant stomped. ...just putting that out there.

[Rozzy]

So you can use capitalization, proper grammar and spelling. hey i actually ws able to sit down and write this so how bout u piss off? jk. any way leave my speeling and such alone!!!! They invented spell-check for people like her. and yes, yes they did... I like some of your metaphors and how you lead into them at times, but sometimes cliche's are used to lead in. Apply the creativity in some of them to all of them. Also, build up your story more. The best horror writers climax beautifully. Although yours and his style are very different, read Poes 'Fall of the House of Usher' to get an idea how to develop a horror story. Specific parts in it are good when looking at it as independantly, but ascending the parts together is somewhat lacking. alright thank you.