Schmaven's Dream Journal of Randomness

In a crowded section of New York City, flames erupt from the sewers as Satan himself rises from hell and bursts through the pavement of the road ahead of me, sending cars flying through the air and people running and screaming in all directions. He has a gang of demons around him, all made of flames, forming a painful looking perimeter of death and destruction around the Devil.

I am holding a dark gray cat, almost black, with white on its face and some of its paws I don't remember picking it up, but it seems to like being held. I cradle it on its back like a baby in my left arm, against my side, and hold its tail out in front of me like a cannon. I aim it at the Devil and make my best "Pew Pew!" noises. Almost like a "pshhyeeeoo!!!" As I make my very best laser noises, bright blue laser beams shoot out of the cats tail. They move through the air at about the speed of a jogger, so Satan easily dodges them.

I run toward Satan, aiming the cat's tail a few paces ahead of him and with "Pew Pew Pew Pew!" shoot four slow moving lasers out of the cat's tail into Satan's path. I almost got him this time! With great enthusiasm I go wild with my best "Pew Pew!" noises, filling the streets and alleys with blue lasers. 'If I shoot lasers everywhere, I can't miss.' I tell myself.

Satan dives behind a sky scraper and out of sight. I pre-fire a few laser blasts from the cat's tail down the next street in case he tries to run for it, and then run down the alley to cut him off before he can get away. He gave me the slip somehow, and I haven't got a clue where to find him now. I find myself at a busy intersection, looking every which way as traffic flows through. Next to me is a fire fighter and a cop. They look at me, then at the cat I'm cradling in my arm, and then at how I'm holding the cat's tail out in front of me with my other hand, and then look back to me.
"Check this out" I tell them as I aim the cat's tail in a harmless direction and say "Pew Pew Pew!" sending three bright blue laser beams slowly through the air.
"That's pretty cool" they tell me.
"I know, right?!"
"Aren't you going to film it or take a picture or something?" The firefighter asks me.
"No, I don't think anyone really needs to know about this. Plus I've gotta get Satan"
They both give me an understanding nod, and I start walking away as I think about where to look.

I take a picture of my mom's dog and cat as they are both sitting in the kitchen right next to each other. They both smile and look at the camera. The perfect shot. Funny how both the dog and the cat look alike, and also look like my dad's weird dog he has. My sister wants to see the picture, but when I look at it, they aren't looking at the camera anymore, even though I already took the picture. I look for another picture, but all I have are photos of the Simpsons in real life. Mostly weird ones, like a tiny animated devil sitting on a chair, with Maggie poking her head around the side, and Marge in the background. Or a photo of Mr Herman.

Suddenly I am on an airplane right next to an animated Mr Herman. Apparently he's a really fat guy, I'm not sure where his character comes from. He says, "I'm Mr. Herman!" and suddenly we're both falling from the plane. Now I'm watching us fall, hit the ground, but all cartoon like.

I stand up, the cartoon effect disappears, and there is a big bottle of whiskey in front of me. Kind of like Goldschlager, but with red bits instead of gold. Must be cinnamon flavored... An old friend next to me tells me I should have drank it earlier, but I can still drink it now. It seems like a tasty idea, so I reach for it, but wake up because I can't feel my arm, and my shoulder hurts. Arm =/= shoulder.

...All of this in an unplanned nap on the couch with the cat on me!

Spoiler for Random Intro:

Wandering through gated back yards, jumping over fences, and looking for a bathroom, I find a downstairs apartment with the door wide open. I go inside, and shake the snow off my jacket before going any further and dripping it on the floor. But I shook it right into someone's shoes... That doesn't look so nice, so I leave, abandoning my search for the bathroom. There are an assortment of little beings that are all around me now, and no longer any snow on the ground. A few small children, two cats, and a goat are all in a circle on some green grass. They all appear to be trapped, and in danger if they stay inside this backyard maze of fences. I carry all of them over a fence except one cat. This cat is huge! I try to coax it to walk over on its own, but it is also a lazy cat. So, I pick it up, weighing well over 100 lbs, and carry it over the fence. There is another small animal, maybe a sheep, that also wants to escape. I lift the fence in the air slightly, and crawl underneath, motioning for the sheep to follow. It does, and pushes me out of the way, crawling through swiftly.

On the other side of the fence, I am face to face with a giant bat. At least I think it's a bat. Looking right at me, drooling profusely, a nasty looking orange drool. It has small flexible fangs. It also has a very powerful venom. Not very good. Biting onto my arm, I feel that none of the fangs pierces my flesh, but I don't want to take any chances, so I wrestle it away, pushing its porcelain smooth beak away. Now holding it back by the beak, we stare at each other, both still pushing at the other. The beak is so smooth, I actually rather enjoy touching it. Kind of cold to the touch as well, and very colorful with swirls of reds, browns, and oranges all throughout the beak.



The animal's owner comes by, and pulls him back by the shoulders. She tells me, "He's just hungry, sorry about that" Being sort of like a bat, I assume he eats bugs, so I tell them to hang on for a bit, while I find some food for him inside my house. There are no bugs... I go downstairs and ask my room mate if he has any bugs.

"Of course I do buddy, here ya go." and he hands me a plastic bin. 'Great! Now I can feed this thing.' I dash upstairs, but looking inside the bin I just see a loaded gun, some batteries, loose change, a few lint balls, and random other odds and ends. I take all the bullets out of the gun and toss them separately into the bin, then ditch the gun as well. 'There's gotta be bugs around here somewhere'

I go outside, and find a large group of rather juicy looking bugs on the window sill. They all look dead, but still meaty. I pick one up by the wings, a large green bug, and it starts to wiggle around a bit. 'Not quite dead yet!' so I put it back down on the window's edge. The rest of the bugs all have rigor mortis, so I know they are dead. I pile them all into my left hand and go back over to the bat creature. Somewhat human, but definitely more animal than person. I hold out my hand and he ravenously slurps them into his beak and chews them for a bit before swallowing them, followed by more drool around the edges of his beak. Quite gross.

Seeing where I got the bugs from, he walks over and looks for more. Seeing the one I left behind because it was still alive, he goes in to eat it. I pray that the bug either is spared death, or dies well, whatever is meant to be... To my surprise, the previously lifeless but twitching bug now flies off, just out of reach of the bat creature, then shoots rapidly into the sky at what I assume is maximum bug speed.

I help the bat-man (more bat than man) find more dead bugs to eat. Mostly dead moths that are stuck to loose boards on the side of the house, or in abandoned spider webs. The creature eats more of the wood than the bugs, just chewing on it, as he holds it like an ear of corn.

Walking back to the front yard, his friend/caretaker person tells him it costs too much to feed him and he has to make some money himself if this is going to work. Bat-guy sits down on a bench looking rather dejected, as he stares down at his feet with his hands in his lap. I go up to him, pat him on the back and encourage him, "You'll be able to do something to make money, don't worry."

He looks up to me as if saying, "Like what?" but with just his eyes.

I answer, "You could always give massages to people" and we both start laughing. I see a smile return to his beak and hope in his eyes. "I didn't know you could understand me" I say, amidst more laughter, just thinking about this bat-guy giving people massages... He nods understandingly.