Thread: A look into my head

1. Take the period out of the link, otherwise it won't work
2. Nice, wow That's really nice writing.

Aware, if she was spotted, her world, as she knew it would change.[/b]

Grammar error? Possibly replace with: \"Aware that, if she was spotted, her world as she knew it would change\". Maybe an adjective at the end, such as \"forever\". But that's just what I think.

Her friends asked her, each day, to join them in their romping. However, she preferred to just watch.[/b]

That structure seems a little bit odd. I don't know why, it just does. Maybe you can restate it somehow?

She looked around for it perhaps it ran off.[/b]

Looking at the rest of the paragraph, 1) I cannot figure out who \"it\" is, unless I really focus; and 2) It seems as though it is a run-on sentence. Maybe there is something you can do to fix this.

Liked the feel of power, if it weren’t for her then her pride could not eat and they would surely perish.[/b]

It is grammatically incorrect (lack of she at the beginning of the sentence), but the sentence itself sounds alright. I know what you mean by it, so I guess you could say it is purely opinion as to how the sentence should be written. Possibly consider placing a comma or \"then\" between and & they, though.

Putting up a formidable chase, but she wasn’t about to let this one go.[/b]

Consider replacing with \"It put up a formidable chase, but she wasn't about to let this one go.\"

Yet so vulnerable that she knew she could do it alone.[/b]

You're missing a comma after "yet".

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I REALLY like the way you kept the reader reading it. I didn't want to stop at all through the story. There's a little bit of mystery at the end that I like, and I really liked the rhetorical question at the end. Haha, all it needs is music that triggers at the ending that says, "Dun dun dun....".

Other than those few grammatical errors that the readers might stumble on, I'd say it's a great story. It's probably just me that noticed them, because I'm weird like that.

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Also, I think your poems are AWESOME. Absolutely love them. Keep writing

Thank you so much. I needed that proof-reading done. It's so hard to do it myself, as I overlook a lot of things. I used your observations as a guide to fix what you mentioned.

These are the changes I came up with, using your observations :

Aware that, if she was spotted, her world as she knew it would change dramatically. [/b]

Her new friends asked her repeatedly, to join them in their romping. She always refused, always staying on the cautious side. [/b]

She looked all around for the mysterious cub, but she figured it ran off to hide upon being noticed. [/b]

The beast put up a formidable chase, but she wasn’t about to let this one go.[/b]

Thank you for taking the time to read them all and post your true thoughts.




Hehe I posted story on another forum and got the same feedback as far as keeping the reader involved. And the fact people enjoy that sense of mystery at the end. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

That was my very first shot at writing and my only go at a short story.

Ah, well it's no problem. It is great writing. You should keep writing more poetry and short stories

Well thank you for your kind words. It does give me a little more incentive to write, knowing other people enjoy it.