HAHA wow!!!! I like it Roller. |
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Ok well here's something I wrote a while ago, but has kind of found more relevance recently (unfortunatley.) It's my sixth draft so far, but still not quite right, and I have a lot of tweaking and fixing to do, but I thought i would share it with you guys, see if it means anything to you. |
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HAHA wow!!!! I like it Roller. |
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Hey cheers for that, always nice to know I'm on the right track, seeing as you felt exactly what I wanted to show.... yay! |
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I definitely like the realization at the end. |
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i really like this poem |
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Overall, it's a great poem. Just a few lines seem a little too...uh...rushed, I suppose. Kind hard to put in one word. Just like "In your bloody steps war follows" When you read it, it seems like you read normally, then after steps you just sorta zip through. It's only two words, but it makes a difference. You could make it something that perhaps makes it longer, or more appealing to thought. Maybe something like "In your bloody foot steps, I cry" and insinuation that you're afected and hurt by the "blood." Which could (in tie with the end) mean that you're disappointed/sad that you are as bad as the terrorist, and know what they've done. I dunno, I don't normally get into poetry at all, but I liked this one. So there's some credit. Cuz, for the record, there's only one poem that I actually ever liked enough to remember, and this one would be the second. |
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Yeah, that's the line that's been bothering me lots... it's not rushed (after 6 drafts) but just really clumsy... words should flow and mould together, and that whole third stanza doesn't do that at all.. I might have to free the whole poem up a bit, we'll see. I found it hard to get the exact things I wanted to say in the poem, and also make them flow - it's in the form of a sonnet (14 lines) and so this restricted me a lot, but it is also good to have to think a bit more. Sonnets have a nice ring to them when they're done properly, and I think it's the best way to describe what I want to say in it. |
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Sounds like a good idea there Roller. Just make sure to leave the last two lines, cuz they're pretty good. And it kinda makes it like in the old Shakespeare plays, where at the end of each scene, the last two lines have a rhyme at the end of them. |
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