poem i made

[xcrissxcrossx]

DISCLAIMER: if this writing results in any actions that would not be acted upon with the absense of this writing, i will not be help responsible for the resulting action. Leave comments please. it will help me with future poems. this is the second one i made, and my first sucks. Pessimist None of you will know the pain I go through every day, 'Cause no one on this earth will hear anything i say, While little boys and girls go outside for fun and play, I've been criying and denying on my bed i use to lay. Sometimes i beleave, that every now and then, When I get out a piece of paper and a ballpoint pen, I think about my memories; I live them again. The glass is half empty, but my heart is half full, of so many emotions, Many think im a fool. But I fear that i may possess, a hate tainted soul. So what if im a pessimist, I was never kissed, My whole life i was thrown around, and now they've made me pissed. If you think im posing, I can make a list, With 101 things you did to me, Why shouldn't I cut my wrist?

[Burns]

Very creative, but I hope the poem only represents some feelings you would not act upon. Keep writing - obviously you have a nack for it.

[xcrissxcrossx]

Originally posted by Burns Very creative, but I hope the poem only represents some feelings you would not act upon. Keep writing - obviously you have a nack for it. ya, i just wrote it because i felt like writing. i wouldnt act opon them.

[Amethyst Star]

In actuality, it heard this as more of a laid-back rap when I read it. It had a great flow to it, very smooth. And while depressed themes may be common, you portrayed it a little differently and steered clear of the angst. One very minor detail (because I'm a language major), I'd change 101 to 100 just to keep the rhythm a little more constant.... but that's just my personal opinion. Keep up the good work!

[xcrissxcrossx]

thanks.

[Oneironaut Zero]

Good stuff, man. I agree with Ame. 100%

[Gwendolyn]

I also liked your poem, man. The words flow, and the subject matter is real and relevant.

[Neruo]

Well the poem technically is nice. However the subject is a bit overdone. Write about flowers and sunsets, everyone writes about this stuff allready I mean like cheer up, at least you don't write ubercrap poetry. So go outside and rape some woman!... errr I mean enjoy you life. lol don't actually rape people, ah well, you don't sound that crazy. Ok lets just stick with "Nice poem man!", hmmm k?

[xcrissxcrossx]

Originally posted by Amethyst Star In actuality, it heard this as more of a laid-back rap when I read it. It had a great flow to it, very smooth. And while depressed themes may be common, you portrayed it a little differently and steered clear of the angst. One very minor detail (because I'm a language major), I'd change 101 to 100 just to keep the rhythm a little more constant.... but that's just my personal opinion. Keep up the good work! I felt that adding an offbeat at the end would make it a little more, how can i say it, well i thought it would help it stay in your head. there was a studu that showed that in songs and in anything with rhythm, anything with an offbeat is easier to get stuck in your head.