My 2 cents...
Things I liked; the motif overall, the ostinato pattern the strings have at the beginning, different harmonizations of the motif.
Things I didn't like so much; the percussion (just sounds really 'unsymphonic'
, and that one piano part. Lack of development. The motif was (according to my ears) developed only twice (I like the first development), but it never became anything more. I was hoping the motifs would come together in a theme
The section with the piccolos and strings with the short descending passages didn't seem in place. It was rhythmically unstable, and didn't lead to the closing section; usually there is a recapulation of the motif before the closer.
That was your first time orchestrated anything ever? It was pretty good if so! Keep studying, your technique will improve!
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