Poetry

[Indecent Exposure]

Basically, the threads regarding poetry dont seem 2 get much of a response on this forum but anwyays i thought Id post one of myn its not great, theres no poetic form, good old free verse im currently i tnhe process of writing a poem using the Interlocking Rubaiyat, i'll post that up on this thread when im finished this ones called Disabilities She lay there in silence thinking of life, In Blackness she lay, cloaked in despair, Nowadays it seemed, this feeling was rife, She’d reached out to her friends but what did they care? Her existence was fake, a farce, a façade, Everyday she smiled brightly, but her soul quietly mourned, Her eyes moistened as she remembered the jibes and the calls of retard, From the looks she received you’d assume she was horned, Physically deformed, emotionally scarred, A lone tear rolled down her misshapen cheek, Through their lack of acceptance her heart had been charred, She sought a new beginning, where could she seek? In Darkness she lay, cloaked in despair, Nowadays it seemed, this feeling was rife, She’d reached out to her family but what did they care? In the bed that she cherished she ended her life. Imran Please comment freely

[Keeper]

beautiful

[Oneironaut Zero]

Very moving, Imran.

[Lord Toaster]

makes you stop and think things over.

[Indecent Exposure]

thanks, for the comments/praise. If theres any poets there, could a couple of you either pm me, or jsut help me out here The reason i posted it mainly was to help with the editing, I mean if you can point out any weak lines, anywhere you thinks stretched or anything like that, itd be much appreciated =) Imran

[Ne-yo]

Not to bad Irman_P you have a nice talent there for poetry. It's pretty deep and it does make you sit back and think. Thanks for sharing that with us.

[Indecent Exposure]

Thanks Any editorial tips then people? Imran

[Moonbeam]

stop you're depressing me

[ShYne123]

Moving, ill be sure to always read your poetry posts now.

[Adagio molto]

Try making it to conform to iambic pentameter, not saying it's bad as free verse, but I like iambic pentameter, and a good chunk of it was.

[Indecent Exposure]

Try making it to conform to iambic pentameter, not saying it's bad as free verse, but I like iambic pentameter, and a good chunk of it was. [/b] thanks for the tip Imran

[irishcream]

888, please refrain from hijacking someone else's thread...if you want to post limericks, then make your own thread for them, where i'm sure people will be happy to respond. thankyou. btw, imran, that was a good poem...i don't know much about editing it though, i never got into it that deeply.

[ALovelyWay2Burn]

Hi Imran, I thoroughly enjoyed your poem. I'm really into poetry too and have been writing for the last few years in my spare time. You don't really have to worry about rhythm to make a good poem, but timing and effect are crucial. Also, in my experience I've found that metaphors and personification are really effective. If you give me permission to post a poem on your topic, I'll show you what I mean.

[Howie]

Wow Irman. I know you are looking for feedback but I am not well versed in a verbal composition or whether it is a (Haiku?) or anything else for that matter. But if your intent was to portray feeling and emotion then an A+ I think. Sad though.

[Indecent Exposure]

Hi Imran, I thoroughly enjoyed your poem. I'm really into poetry too and have been writing for the last few years in my spare time. You don't really have to worry about rhythm to make a good poem, but timing and effect are crucial. Also, in my experience I've found that metaphors and personification are really effective. If you give me permission to post a poem on your topic, I'll show you what I mean. [/b] If you have msn, you could pass me your adress via a pm and we could discuss further, i always enjoy discussing with other poets and discussing work =) and thanks howetzer. Im not by anture a sad eprson yet I find it the easiet emotion to convey Unofrtunately My next poem will gp up on here in the next couple of days, but attmepting to make it conform to a specific writing pattern is turning out to be quite tim consuming =) Imran

[BohmaN]

Sad but beautiful. I enjoyed it, well done =)

[Indecent Exposure]

Hey Its been ages since i posted that. Heres another of my poems, more of a protest poem, Its not at all ambiguous, mainly because I want the reader to feel rather than think. So you can sort of take it surface value. =D Landlord She lies, her mind, engulfed in fragile turmoil, Body a corpse, a carcass of despair, Decrepit, Diseased, Mother Nature, mourning deep within her war-torn lair, Her children, traitors, blinded by ambition, Scientific, advancement, moral regression, Globally warmed, incessantly bombed, Her home but a battlefield, a toxic wasteland, Imaginary borders, lines dissect the Sea, Territorial disputes, patriotism, fuelling These wars, mankind’s enraged tyranny, The most foolish amongst mans’ notions was to ever believe, That he owned the land and the land owned not he, She dies alone, pure, a virgin, Uncorrupted, repellent against, Mans genocidal self destructive ideology, Oh Mother of us All, rest in perpetual peace. Comments would certainly be appreciated. Thank You Imran

[CoLd BlooDed]

I really like that last one. Earth, if I'm not mistaken. It's cool because it really does some everything up that's 'important' to us. Maybe everything that's important to our society is what really is the downfall? Poetry is good when you can look beyond the meaning, so good job on that. I think you should check out some of my stuff in this section - poets should stick together. No real criticism, keep it up.

[Indecent Exposure]

Thanks for the input *bump* oops :p