The Demise

[Kushna Mufeed]

By: Kushna Mufeed September 18, 2007. He sat in his throne, alone in his court, looking back on the accomplishments of his life, oblivious to the sounds of battle below. All other furniture had been piled up to barricade the doors. A tear welled in his eye, flowed down his cheek and fell towards the marble floor. Looking down as it fell, it seemed to pause for a moment in between his knees, and in that tear he saw his whole life reflected back at him: the scams and the riches, the lies and the fame, the deceit and the power; all the lives he had ended, the families he had split and the places he had destroyed in order to obtain his goals. The tear resumed its decent and shattered on the floor. Bam! The sound of a battering ram hitting the thick wooden doors echoed through the court and woke him from his trance. His defences had collapsed, his last loyal soldier felled and he was now alone, the last remaining fragment of his regime. He slipped off his throne and fell to his knees. Bam! Some of the furniture fell from the piled barricade, clattering loudly on the floor. Slowly drawing the sword which had hung faithfully at his side for many years, it scraped along the extravagant sheath he had made with the unjust taxes he had placed on his subjects to replace the old one. He extended his arm outward, but instead of holding the blade away from himself, he held it so it ran back the length of his arm and pointed at his chest. Bam! “Namrem,” he addressed the sword, his voice wavering as a river of reminiscent tears began to flow over his cheeks, “For hundreds of years you had been pure and noble, a beacon of hope. Then you embraced the corruption of my hands. May your last strike in my hands be righteous. May the taint you have endured by my hands be cleansed by my blood. Unworthy I am to live any longer. Unworthy I am to die with glory.” Bam! The barricade gave way, and the doors were forced open. Multiple iron clad warriors filled the room with war cries, silenced abruptly by the sight of the defeated king, keeled over, run through with his own blade. It is said that one should not die with regrets, but what if one regrets it all?

[Kushna Mufeed]

[Kushna Mufeed]

Really? No one?

[kichu]

It is said that one should not die with regrets, but what if one regrets it all? Ooh...I like that last line. What is this?

[kichu]

Well, duh. A story. But what is this for? Anything in particular?

[Kushna Mufeed]

Just a random short story I wrote a while back.

[kichu]

Is it done or will you add more to it? You should add more.

[Kushna Mufeed]

It may very likely spawn an epic story. My stories have a tendency of doing that. But for now I have other writings to work on. If I ever come back to this, it won't be for a while.

[Grod]

Wow, that was pretty bad ass. I love little stories like these. The only thing I might have changed was this sentence: Looking down as it fell, it seemed to pause for a moment in between his knees, and in that tear he saw his whole life reflected back at him: the scams and the riches, the lies and the fame, the deceit and the power; all the lives he had ended, the families he had split and the places he had destroyed in order to obtain his goals. It seems a bit run-on. I'm no writer, though.

[Kushna Mufeed]

I wouldn't really call it a run-on sentence. It's got commas and colons and semi-colons and shit, so it breaks up the sentence a bit.

[Grod]

I know, it just sounds a little long... but meh.

[Kushna Mufeed]

Meh, indeed.

[CoLd BlooDed]

It's not a runon, but the overuse of commas and the awkwardly phrased first portion makes it seem that way. Pretty cool, otherwise. You have a punctuation issue, though.

[Kushna Mufeed]

Tell me about it. I've been told numerous times I write well. I just need to get myself an editor. Even when you tell me there's something wrong with it, I can't really tell HOW I've used too many commas.

[CoLd BlooDed]

Yeah man, I used to be the exact same way. You read your own stuff and you just think, 'yeeeeaahh baby,' because you're writing it to guide others to take the necessary breaks and stuff (without really being conscious of what you're doing). I've done a lot of writing in my day and that's why I can pick that kind of stuff out while others may not notice or know how to describe the error. Your writing is very well done. A little grammar, punctuation and spelling fixup and you'd be golden.

[Kushna Mufeed]

There's a spelling error? Where?

[CoLd BlooDed]

Decent should be descent.