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    Thread: Another writing attempt.

    1. #1
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Another writing attempt.

      Jacob Draven sat with his face propped on his hand, staring at the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard at the front of the room. Ms. Stantler stood there writing equations, explaining to the class how to find "x". Around him, other students scrambled copy what she wrote because the bitch wrote to fast. Other students were lying with their faces in their hands, asleep. There was a blonde girl in the back of the room with her cell phone hidden behind her book, texting. No doubt spreading around the latest gossip. He turned and looked to her. She was definetly hot. She had long legs, today she was wearing an extra short skirt to showcase them. A nice tight fitting short sleeve shirt that her D-cup breasts threatened to break though. She bit her bottom lip as she focused on her phone, probably even unaware that Jacob was looking at her. Then, as Ms. Stantler yelled particularly loud, demanding that the class wake up, the blonde looked up and caught Jacob staring. Now you might think that she would be angry or creeped out that she was being stared at. But no, she was used to that. She merely nodded in his direction and slipped him a sly wink.
      A few months ago, Jacob probably would have experienced a boner so intense that it hurt. But now he felt nothing. He merely looked away from her and looked back at the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard. They seemed to jumble together. They didn't make any sense. They had no purpose. He felt that he was one with them. They had no purpose, he had no purpose. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the teacher's voice. But of course, he was almost asleep when he heard Ms. Stantler's shrill voice louder, closer.
      "Jacob!" it said next to him, almost in his ear. "Jacob, wake up and tell me how to find "x!"
      He sighed, stood up, and faced his teacher. He was nearly twice as tall as Ms. Stantler. Grinning madly, he reached out with his right hand and grabbed he by the hair on the top of her head. To poor Ms. Stantler's dismay, he proceeded to drag her up the row of desks to the whiteboard.
      "You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, her screams nearly blocking out his voice. He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board. "Oh look, it's over here!" He said as he placed his left hand at the back of her head before ramming her face into the whiteboard. "Here's "x" Ms. Stantler, here it is! Are you happy? Are you fucking happy we found "x"?
      "Jacob!" The shrill voice said again. Jacob opened his eyes and looked at Ms. Stantler standing next to him. "Get up and walk up to that board and show me how to find "x"!" she ordered. He stood up and looked at her a moment. His right hand twitched, for a second reaching out toward her, but he quickly directed it to his face, scratching an imaginary itch.
      Ms. Stantler waved at him impatiently, directing him to the board. He turned an approached the whiteboard with the meaningless symbols. "What do you do first?" she asked him. He stared at the numbers and letters, trying to somehow piece them together into something coherent. But they refused. They wouldn't be arranged into any pattern that made any kind of sense. They sat there on the whiteboard, mocking him.
      "This doesn't make any sense." Jacob stated plainly without looking away from the board.
      Ms. Stantler rolled her eyes. "If you would just pay attention in class, you would know what to do first." she said.
      Suddenly, Jacob was furious. "Maybe if you wrote somthing up here that was legible, I could solve your stupid little problem. All you have is incoherent characters drawn all over this board. You've created meaningless symbols and placed them up here and asked us to solve it like it's an algebra problem. Maybe you should pay more attention." With that Jacob turned around and went back to his seat. Every one of his classmates were staring at him. Ms. Stantler did the same. She just looked at him. Finally her eyes left him and she called another student.
      "Chris, please come to the board and show us how to solve this problem." A boy at the front of the class stood up and walked to the board. He picked up a marker and started writing. What he wrote was similar to what Ms. Stantler already had on the board. Nonsense.

      EDIT: Ugh, I hate how the indentions aren't kept when I paste into the forum
      This shit never happens to me

    2. #2
      Your scary uncle Flashdance's Avatar
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      Hope to see more of your writing.
      Last edited by Flashdance; 03-30-2010 at 05:18 AM.

    3. #3
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Nonsense. Everything is nonsense. Jacob climbed into his car. He cranked the car and put it in reverse. He backed out of his parking place and put the car into drive. He pulled up to the next car in line, waiting it's turn to be let out of the parking lot. The people in the car in front of him were making out while they waited.
      Jacob slammed his foot down on the gas. His car jerked forward and smashed into the car in front of him. He laughed wildly as his airbag deployed, forcing his head into the headrest of his seat. But his foot remained on the gas. His car pushed the screaming couple forward into the car in front of them, and that car into the car in front of it. The car in the very front of the line was pushed out into the road. There was a large transfer truck approaching quickly. It's horn blared as the driver slammed on the brakes-"
      But the horn blaring wasn't a transfer truck's. It belonged to the car waiting behind Jacob, snapping him out of his reverie. There were no more cars in front of him. He pulled out of the school parking lot. Driving down the right lane of the four-lane highway, he gradually picked up speed. The speed limit on this road was 55 miles per hour, his speedometer was at 60 and rising. He jerked the car into the left lane to pass the old beat up volkswagon taking his sweet, sweet time. The speedometer told him that he was really speeding now, the needle was at 80. Jacob used to do this for the adrenaline rush. After a boring day at school, doing the same things, sitting with the same people, and having basically the same conversations, he would get out on the road and speed like hell with all of the windows down. It always made his heart pound. It always made him feel better, for a while. And that had been enough for him. At first just going merely five miles per hour over the limit gave him a thrill. As time passed, as he sped each day, he realized that he needed to go faster to achieve that thrill. But now, pushing 90 miles per hour, he felt nothing.
      Jacob slowed down as he pulled into his driveway. Both of his parents were at work. He was glad. He wouldn't have to hear them bitch and snipe at each other for a few hours. Dropping his bookbag on his bed as he walked by, he sat down and his desk and turned on his computer monitor. He rarely turned the actual computer off, just the monitor. He pulled the keyboard out and automatically turned on Num Lock, an OCD of his. He stared at the desktop. Icons were scattered all across it. Random pictures saved from websites, programs, emtpy folders, shortcuts to video games that he didn't play anymore.
      Then an idea came to him. An idea that he had been toying with in his mind for a good while now. The gun in his parents' room.
      He walked into his parents' room and around their bed to the dresser. He opened the top drawer and moved the pile of socks lying there, the metal of the barrel reflected some light from a window to his right. He picked the gun up and released the clip. It was loaded.
      Jacob put the barrel to his temple and pulled the trigger. The bullet left the barrel and whisked through his head, splattering blood and brains all over the snow white curtains that his mother adored so.
      No. He couldn't do that. He didn't want to leave a mess for his parents to clean up. He may be suicidal, but he wasn't inconsiderate.
      This shit never happens to me

    4. #4
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      He slipped the gun into his belt and pulled his shirt over it as he left his parents bedroom. Expressionless, he walked to the front door and opened it, pulling it shut behind him as he walked outside. He would walk down to the baseball field and sit in one of the dugouts. It seemed like as good a place as any.
      The baseball field was hardly a ten minute walk from his house. He had often times walked down with friends to play mock games. They rarely had enough people to play a real game, but they always had fun none the less. He could see the baseball field now. There were some kids there playing now. Mostly they looked around his age. They didn't see him making his way down the hill to the Home Team's dugout, except for one boy. Something about him stood out. He was wearing a simple long-sleeve, blue plaid, button up shirt and bluejean pants. His brown hair was cut short and neat. He kept his eye on Jacob the whole time he was making his way to the dugout. Jacob merely ignored him and stepped into the dugout. He sat down in the corner farthest from the entrance in the shadow.

      (ugh, I know it sucks)
      This shit never happens to me

    5. #5
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      this character has some serious issues :(
      reminds me of one of mine, with the angry fantasies they don't actually go through with.

      I don't think it's all that bad, but could definitely be a lot better. I really feel it should be more condensed - oh, I'd so love to give you some specific constructive criticism, but at the moment it feels like my brain is on fire and melting seriously :c

      maybe tomorrow or something, but I'm coming back to this for sure. is this...spontaneous writing or have you had this story for awhile?


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

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      ""You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, her screams nearly blocking out his voice. He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board. "Oh look, it's over here!" He said as he placed his left hand at the back of her head before ramming her face into the whiteboard. "Here's "x" Ms. Stantler, here it is! Are you happy? Are you fucking happy we found "x"?"

      This had me LMAOing
      A Night Away.

    7. #7
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Flashdance View Post
      Hope to see more of your writing.
      Thanks.

      Quote Originally Posted by nerve View Post
      this character has some serious issues
      reminds me of one of mine, with the angry fantasies they don't actually go through with.

      I don't think it's all that bad, but could definitely be a lot better. I really feel it should be more condensed - oh, I'd so love to give you some specific constructive criticism, but at the moment it feels like my brain is on fire and melting seriously :c

      maybe tomorrow or something, but I'm coming back to this for sure. is this...spontaneous writing or have you had this story for awhile?
      I would appreciate the criticism whenever you feel like giving it.
      This writing started pretty spontaneously, I thought about an idea for a few minutes and then started writing the other day. I didn't touch it for a few days until last night when I wrote the last bit I posted.

      Quote Originally Posted by Ethereal View Post
      ""You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, her screams nearly blocking out his voice. He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board. "Oh look, it's over here!" He said as he placed his left hand at the back of her head before ramming her face into the whiteboard. "Here's "x" Ms. Stantler, here it is! Are you happy? Are you fucking happy we found "x"?"

      This had me LMAOing
      Haha, thanks.
      This shit never happens to me

    8. #8
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      OKAY. the computer I'm having to use now isn't worth a sack of dog vomit, and I'm pretty pissed about it, but my head is still clearer than yesterday somehow so alright! :'D

      Quote Originally Posted by Tyler View Post
      Jacob Draven sat with his face propped on his hand, staring at the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard at the front of the room. Ms. Stantler stood there writing equations, explaining to the class how to find "x". Around him, other students scrambled copy what she wrote because the bitch wrote to fast. Other students were lying with their faces in their hands, asleep.
      this could be condensed, for sure. and 'Ms. Stantler stood there' doesn't sound good at all...not professional. let's see, maybe something like

      Ms. Stantler wrote (or maybe "scribbled" would fit better with the story? sounds more hasty) equations on the board and explained how to find "x" to the portion of the class not bored to sleep. The more studious classmates scrambled to copy what she wrote - the bitch wrote too fast.

      I feel like that could still be better, but you see what I mean? also, try to avoid over-using 'because', maybe use a hyphen sometimes or find a way around it. actually it's good not to over-use any word, so try to stay wary of it.

      There was a blonde girl in the back of the room with her cell phone hidden behind her book, texting. No doubt spreading around the latest gossip. He turned and looked to her. She was definitely hot. She had long legs, today she was wearing an extra short skirt to showcase them. A nice tight fitting short sleeve shirt that her D-cup breasts threatened to break though.
      hmmmm. first, I think 'there was' is unnecessary, crude. and the first two sentences should be combined, the second is a fragment. something like

      A blonde girl in the back of the room sent text messages sneakily (or slyly? actually I just noticed you use sly further down. maybe 'craftily' or 'cunningly', idk) from behind her book, no doubt spreading the latest gossip.

      'around' doesn't seem necessary, I'd drop it. next two lines I think might be alright, except I'd say he looked at her and not to her...I'm not sure why, it just seems right? I guess because when you look to someone it's usually when you're in need of/expecting something...yeah. (oh, and it might seem lame but I think 'texting' is kindof slang...so 'sent text messages' would be more proper, probably.) following lines can be combined, like

      Today she wore (better than 'was wearing' but not sure why) an extra short skirt showcasing her long legs, and a nice, tight fitting short-sleeved shirt that her D-cup breasts threatened to break though.

      the last part I think could be worded better. it just makes me think of something from a cheesy erotic novel or something XD besides, I'm sure I've heard it before...I hate saying that because I actually can't think of a better example for you (:x) but I definitely think you could come up with a better, more creative way of describing her big boobs XD

      [quote]She bit her bottom lip as she focused on her phone, probably even unaware that Jacob was looking at her. Then, as Ms. Stantler yelled particularly loud, demanding that the class wake up, the blonde looked up and caught Jacob staring. Now you might think that she would be angry or creeped out that she was being stared at. But no, she was used to that. She merely nodded in his direction and slipped him a sly wink.[quote]

      I'd drop the 'even' from the first line, it's crude and unnecessary. and I'd never eeeever use 'then,' when starting a sentence, ever :[
      def rudimentary. I'd change it to something like

      Ms. Stantler shouted, demanding that the class wake up; the startled blonde looked up and caught Jacob staring.

      er, something like that anyway. the next part sounds more like someone speaking, and I think can be combined into one sentence, like

      Accustomed to being stared at, she was not angry or creeped out; instead, she nodded in his direction and slipped him a sly wink.

      I'm using too many semi-colons, damn :[
      a hyphen may work, or it could be two sentences, even.

      A few months ago, Jacob probably would have experienced a boner so intense that it hurt. But now he felt nothing. He merely looked away from her and looked back at the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard. They seemed to jumble together. They didn't make any sense. They had no purpose. He felt that he was one with them. They had no purpose, he had no purpose.
      oh, I love this part. I particularly like the line, He felt he was one with them. reminds me of my school days u_u
      anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about the use of slang, such as 'boner' instead of 'erection', and all that...like, calling the teacher a 'bitch' when it's not a character actually stating their opinion. the story focuses on Jacob, sure, but it's not written in first-person, you know what I mean? I don't think it matters, and it seems like I've read other stories - like, published books - where the author does that. but, I'm not sure. I will definitely have to look more into it, it's giving me a headache D:

      I think there should be a comma after 'now' in the second sentence, and in the third, you've said 'merely' again already, too soon. gotta stay aware of word over-use! I'd change it to

      His attention returned to the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard.

      or something like it. and I think I'd insert an ellipses after whiteboard, personally, although I'm not sure if that's really 'professional' or not. I dunno, seems like it'd fit. I like the rest, the short sentences - whether or not it's 'proper', I think it works well to express how the character feels, and wouldn't change it regardless.

      He closed his eyes and tried to block out the teacher's voice. But of course, he was almost asleep when he heard Ms. Stantler's shrill voice louder, closer.
      "Jacob!" it said next to him, almost in his ear. "Jacob, wake up and tell me how to find "x!"
      He sighed, stood up, and faced his teacher. He was nearly twice as tall as Ms. Stantler. Grinning madly, he reached out with his right hand and grabbed he by the hair on the top of her head. To poor Ms. Stantler's dismay, he proceeded to drag her up the row of desks to the whiteboard.
      "You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, her screams nearly blocking out his voice. He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board. "Oh look, it's over here!" He said as he placed his left hand at the back of her head before ramming her face into the whiteboard. "Here's "x" Ms. Stantler, here it is! Are you happy? Are you fucking happy we found "x"?
      ohhh, this part needs work u_u
      I love the idea, like I said I have a character with similar fantasies. but the writing could be much better. second line, I'd drop 'but of course.' not necessary, etc etc. I think you repeat names too much - when you could say 'he/she' or something else altogether. second line, you have already said he was blocking out 'the teacher's' voice, so you could use 'she' and it would still be clear who you're referring to. never refer to a character as 'it' unless it's a herm! D:
      I realize you're referring to her voice, but it just doesn't sound right. 'it' didn't say anything; we all know it was her. I'd say

      "Jacob!" she cried, almost in his ear.

      I don't think it's necessary to say 'next to him', we know she was getting closer, and saying 'almost in his ear' tells us she must be next to him, which I think is sufficient.

      [side note - quotes. when you do a quote within a quote, you use apostrophes: "Jacob, wake up and tell me how to find 'x'!" like so :3]

      just after that you have: He was nearly twice as tall as Ms. Stantler.

      you could instead say, He was nearly twice her height. (or something to that effect.)

      "You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, could be 'he'

      He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board.

      I'd say ...good yank, turning her to face... because otherwise it seems like it was the yank itself that decided to turn her, not Jacob o_o

      I think the rest of that part is fine, aside from the quote thing.

      "Jacob!" The shrill voice said again. Jacob opened his eyes and looked at Ms. Stantler standing next to him. "Get up and walk up to that board and show me how to find "x"!" she ordered. He stood up and looked at her a moment. His right hand twitched, for a second reaching out toward her, but he quickly directed it to his face, scratching an imaginary itch.
      Ms. Stantler waved at him impatiently, directing him to the board. He turned an approached the whiteboard with the meaningless symbols. "What do you do first?" she asked him.
      first line, same thing, wouldn't say a 'voice said'. in fact, the quote doesn't always have to be followed by (anyone) said. I think you know that though, from reading your later posts...anyway - could say (something like) The shriek abruptly ended his fantasy. then He opened his eyes...

      I wouldn't say 'for a second reaching out...' doesn't seem proper. perhaps His right hand twitched, started to reach toward her ('out' isn't necessary), but quickly redirected to his face to scratch an imaginary itch.

      I think you can drop the 'him' at the end, it's clear she's talking to Jacob.

      He stared at the numbers and letters, trying to somehow piece them together into something coherent. But they refused. They wouldn't be arranged into any pattern that made any kind of sense. They sat there on the whiteboard, mocking him.
      "This doesn't make any sense." Jacob stated plainly without looking away from the board.
      Ms. Stantler rolled her eyes. "If you would just pay attention in class, you would know what to do first." she said.
      seems fine to me

      Suddenly, Jacob was furious. "Maybe if you wrote something up here that was legible, I could solve your stupid little problem. All you have is incoherent characters drawn all over this board. You've created meaningless symbols and placed them up here and asked us to solve it like it's an algebra problem. Maybe you should pay more attention." With that Jacob turned around and went back to his seat. Every one of his classmates were staring at him. Ms. Stantler did the same. She just looked at him. Finally her eyes left him and she called another student.
      "Chris, please come to the board and show us how to solve this problem." A boy at the front of the class stood up and walked to the board. He picked up a marker and started writing. What he wrote was similar to what Ms. Stantler already had on the board. Nonsense.
      you can drop the 'suddenly'
      put a comma after 'with that'
      then, The whole classroom stared, including the teacher. works, more concise, etc, then
      Finally, she turned her attention to another student. you don't have to say she calls him as she does so in the next line :D
      you could say 'approached' instead of 'walked to'

      also, NEVER! say 'started' unless someone starts to do something but is interrupted. learned that from a great book on writing called The truth that tells a lie. learned a lot from it actually. so

      He picked up a marker and made a few marks. What he put down...(to avoid using 'wrote' too many times)

      EDIT: Ugh, I hate how the indentions aren't kept when I paste into the forum
      god I know :(
      that sucks. cos there was at least one word I saw that could use italics.
      anyway, I sincerely hope I have helped. I am definitely not an english professor although I kindof wish I was :(
      I just love love love critiquing stories and I think I paid enough attention in writing class to pick up some good information/tips.

      my critique isn't perfect, I know, but I hope it still helps you some. I sure love giving it, and your story's actually better than a lot of amateur stuff I've read. makes me want to study more and do some writing myself, I barely write at all...or critique, this is the first real critique I've done on a story in forever. I'm rambling now :\

      I can't believe the time. I'm sorry I got kinda 'short' at the end, it's been like 3 hours now and I'm getting tired ;;
      seriously, let me know if I've done any good, if you got any comments or whatever, and um...I'll get to your other posts later I'm so tired after this one lol ;;

      [edit] ok what...in god's name is all these '"'s
      fuck
      I think it's this computer. :\

      [edit again] HAHA btw your story reminded me of this: lmao :D
      Last edited by nerve; 04-05-2010 at 09:01 AM.
      Darkmatters and Tyler like this.


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

    9. #9
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Holy shit nerve!
      If that post were about anything else, I probably would've said tl;dr and moved on.
      Thanks for the critique, I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts.
      It's funny that you mention that I should condense some parts down because my problem is usually that I don't put enough detail in and the story progresses too quickly. You also touched on two major problems I have with my writing. Word repetition and trying to decide when/how often to use a characters name or he/she.
      This shit never happens to me

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