Quote:
If someone asked you to come up with 7 specific characteristics that define what "female" is what would those be?
I cannot define the word 'female' from a godlike perspective, as an arbiter of Meaning. I can define the word 'female' in terms of my own experience. So....
1. My internal, for lack of a better term, "Body Map". Amputees sometimes complain of phantom limb sensation, and so do those born without arms or legs. Even without ever having possessed limbs from before birth, they still feel fingers and toes. The brain has a kind of map of the construction of the body. This map functions even when parts are missing. Naturally the map is different for males and females. I felt, was aware, of what I lacked. I could feel it. After my surgery, that feeling is about as equally cured as my surgery was successful. Until my studies included knowledge about the brain's map of the body, I was amazed that I had somehow 'guessed' exactly what having a female body would feel like. Now I have learned it was no guess: my internal map literally did know how I should be constructed. Knowing that makes things seem less mystical, I must admit. So for me, being 'Female' is having a body that matches my internal 'map'.
2. My internal emotional state under both male and female hormones. Under male hormones I was angry yet emotionally suppressed, like a dam about to explode. My sexuality was out of control, and I felt horrible feelings and had loathsome drives. Unchecked, I am fairly certain I could have eventually committed any manner of violence or savagery from the insanity I felt. I literally felt out of control, distanced from my own actions and perceptions, and constantly out of balance. I felt physically and emotionally ill. On estrogen, on female hormones, I am better in every imaginable way. I am nicer, happier, safer to be around, and healthier. I love my life and feel a part of it. I can express my emotions and they are appropriate to circumstance. So for me, being 'female' is feeling like my self, rather than feeling like somebody else other than myself.
3. My position within society and the world. In the male social role, there was almost nothing that I could do and feel comfortable about doing. Whatever action I took, I had to act in a manner alien to me, in an artificial way, or risk being physically harmed. I suffered many beatings before I learned how to walk, talk and act in a way that would not have males hurt or berate me to dangerous levels. Now, living as a woman, I simply act from my heart. I act without thought to how I act...I sit, stand, walk, talk, and function as is natural to me, and this causes me no injury or danger: indeed I am complimented or simply left alone. So for me, being 'female' means being able to stop performing theatre, and simply live my life naturally.
4. My relationships with others. Interpersonal relationships are deeply, intimately affected by all of the factors I have already listed in parts one, two, and three. When I was out of my head from male hormone poisoning, suicidally depressed over my missing organs and deformed body, and unable to act like myself but was instead forced to live out a perpetual nightmare of performing a theatrical role of 'more-or-less-male', I found it impossible to actually feel truly close to anyone. It was incomprehensibly LONELY. Especially when I was around anyone. Think about that.
Now I have wonderful relationships, which have lasted for over 16 years. I know love, and emotional honesty and enjoy trust and closeness I never dreamed possible. So for me, being 'female' means being able to actually love and be loved.
5. My overall functionality. I can actually function now. Before, I was seriously messed up. It was amazing if I could accomplish anything. It was hard to stay alive. Now, physically corrected, I am a game designer, artist, website creator (I create professional sites, like HappyPuppy.com and others, not just silly TS issue sites!), hetaera, writer, cartoonist, collector, software pundit, and much more. It would take several pages to list all of the things I do, or have become competent at. Goodness, it is all the difference between being a failure and a success! So for me, being 'female' is being powerful and effective.
6. Not lying. Not lying about who I am, what I am, what I like, what I do not like, what I do, what I dream of, what I hope for, who I like, who I love, how I feel, needing help, being, doing, trying, living. For me, being 'female' is the privilege of finally getting to be honest. Damn, but you would be amazed how precious and important such a simple seeming thing actually is!
7. Sex. I suppose I really should put this one in the list, even though it is not very important to me. It is a real thing, and when I actually am sexual, being the correct physical sex turns what was once a nightmare horror into something that can -if I cope well with my emotional scars from having had the wrong flesh- even sometimes be pleasant. I doubt I will ever be truly comfortable with sex, but at least it is no longer tantamount to an internal raping of my very identity. So, finally on this list, for me, being 'female' is being able to be at least a little comfortable with sex.
Those are my seven specific characteristics.
