Kumara

Bed @ 10:15pm
Wake @ 5am
Bed @ 6:30am
Wake @ 8:50 am

(before wbtb)
400mcg Huperzine-a
4mg Nicotine gum
2 tabs Theanine Serene
1 Natra Sleep

When I woke up the first time I realized waking up so late was a mistake, but it was worth a try, and I'm surprised I had the success I did. It just took so loooong to get back to sleep, hence the extra supps to get to sleep.

I don't remember the first part when I first became aware, just that there were a lot of people around and I realized it was a waste of my dream time so I flew out through the ceiling. My intended task was to dialog w/my inner self about the pattern/habit of punishing and abusing myself for perceived mistakes, for being in pain, for being weak, etc. I was flew through the ceiling, asked the dream, "hey, dream, what's beyond this dream?" and
next I was in room with my dad. My dad was lying on a mattress on the floor to my left, head away from me. He seemed young, and we were talking really comfortably, with an affinity that I usually don't feel IWL (due to an abusive past). It seemed to me that he and I were "on assignment", and I was trying to wake him up to help him remember his true self. I felt so tender and loving toward him, it was a little awkward in the dream. I said something to him, and he said something like he was remembering, it was coming back to him.

He then held up his right hand and a green light was blinking from inside his wrist.."There's a transmitter" he said. I looked at his left hand, and saw a digital "10:44" shining through his wrist. I lifted his hand, surprised, and remarked on it, there was some kind of device under his hand that now showed a different time. (In the dream, it wasn't a clock or a watch.). Then I moved up by his head, and he turned on his right side and I asked myself, "What does he need?" and then I held him very tenderly. That also felt kind of weird to me, to be so close and so tender toward my father, but I knew I was dreaming and went with it.

There were some non-lucid snippets of being in a room lying on air mattresses with my ex, "T". I was unconsciously moving toward him to have sex with him and some other part of me kept reining myself in, saying "noo nooooo nooo, that's not what I want, remember? I don't want to have sex with him."

I became lucid again and flew again through the ceiling, and said, "Hey, dream, I want you to take me to a beautiful healing temple where I can be alone in a room and collect my thoughts." I began moving at warp speed through a light tunnel, I heard a chorus of beautiful voices that sounded like angels and I felt ecstatic and a little uneasy because I heard the voices singing, "Righteous.....righteous....righteous....righteous ....". It was beautiful and not like a taunt, it still made me wonder, though. I emerged in a plain beige room (yah, thanks so much subconscious) with a nerdy-looking older man wearing a beige suit, glasses, with brown hair and a brown beard.

His back was to me at first, I approached him and asked him, "What do you know about "righteous"?", thinking, my subC dumped me there so he could help. He said, "I can't say I "know" anything about it..."
Me: "Okay, what can you tell me about it?"
Him: "Well, it's complicated. It's a paradox."
I hear someone approaching, and he gives me a look like I better get out of there. I'm thinking, it's a dream, maybe I should face this...but the guy is directing me with his eyes to get out so I left.
There was a gap, next thing I know, I was kneeling by a window on the floor (like one of those basement windows, only it was inside) and a woman in a blue "prison" shirt with dark hair is trying to pull me in where she is, and a long line of women behind here are all holding each other like a conga line, all trying to pull me in together.
I'm pulling back, holding my own, and asking, "WHAT DO YOU NEEEEED????"
I don't remember if she said anything, I was a little frantic, and I said, "I send every one of you one hundred pieces of love..." (totally ganked from Robert Waggoner, lol).
They were still pulling on me, and I yelled out, "God give these women what they need!"

Not sure of the sequence of this part - I walked into a room, and had some big some kind of being stuck to my back. I thought of "monkey on my back", and also think I noticed there was a small hand and also thought it might be related to an experience from the past I'm not quite over yet. As soon as I walked into the room, I saw something that looked like a metallic red hair dryer (come to think of it, it would be more in function like a creme brulee torch) and I walked over to it, pressed the top that I knew would make a flame come out, and turned my back on it so the thing on my back would catch the heat from it. (I guess I was thinking it was like a tick...if you put a flame close to a tick it will detach itself and crawl away). I think it did come off but I'm not sure.

The scene changed, I was flying again, and I said, in a voice that surprised me by how lyrical and strong and confident I sounded, "I want to experience being FREE!". Suddenly I was immersed in and swimming through ocean water that was deep blue and so beautiful. I was somehow in a building that reminded me of a church because it had dark wood frames and stained glass, yet I was still in the water. The building shrank and got smaller, while I was still in water, until I felt as if I were in a coffin. I felt slightly claustrophobic, and reached for a wall, wondering if I should try to break out, or try to wake up.

I reasoned that, I'm dreaming, I can breathe in the water, and I'm not going to die, so let's just see what happens.
I noticed the texture of the 'coffin' changing, to leathery, and a crack appearing above me. I thought "reptilian egg', and saw black filigree spine plates like a stegosaurus pass by the crack, and heard a roar. I was frightened at first, then wondered if I was one of them, if I was a dinosaur about to hatch, in which case I was one of them and belonged and it would be ok to hatch. I pecked at another part of the 'egg', and saw a hand reach through to pull a chunk off.

I thought, "oh, wow, I'm getting help!"
More pieces came off, and I found myself face to face with a muppet, who reminded me of one of the "yip-yips", only he was bright red, and was wearing a viking helmet. He had great big plastic saucer eyes.

I was like, "wtf? a muppet? whut tha wha?" and struggled to stay in the dream, but woke up. I was too awake to get back into it.

Morning of Sun 06/19/2011

200mcg huperzine-a
4mg nicotine
1mg melatonin

Wake @ 2:30 am
Bed @ 4:00 am (so annoying that it takes me so long to get back to sleep)

Dream 1: I was talking to a baby with a really round head, blonde hair and startling blue eyes. At first I was going to pass it by, but I turned back and asked the baby to tell me something about myself. It said, "You are inquisitive and (something about awareness)."

Dream 2: I was moving into a new apartment, in a special complex. My mother was asking about the phone installation (IWL she use to be a telephone cable repair tech.) and I asked her why she wanted to know, because she's retired. She told me she gets called in for special contracts because she is the only one who can do certain types of work...I didn't want to tell her where my new place is, I didn't want her to mess with my phone and there was something with an image of Taylor in my mind when I was talking to her. I was evasive and annoyed because it felt like she was being smothering or invasive.
(***note - later in the day, I felt emotionally vulnerable. I saw some dragonflies over the fence, and my sister remarked that my grandmother had loved them. I didn't know that, and several thoughts of how dragonflies are a meaningful symbol to me and a particular experience with one just before I left the state all converged and I felt my grandmother's caring, guiding presence and burst into tears...my sister was really surprised by my display of emotion. Also, later, my mother came to me in the kitchen and said, "Thank you for being my daughter." which is really different from her usual "thank you for putting up with me."...and we hugged and kissed and I felt very tender toward her (VERY unusual, my mother and I have never been close)..and I spontaneously said to her, "Thank you for being my mother, nobody else could have done it like you." Which seems related to the "special contract" part of the dream. I'm quite pleased with the integration and processing work that seems to be happening!!***)

Snippet: I remember doing an RC by pinching my nose shut and realizing I could breathe but apparently I either don't remember what happened or the lucidity was very brief.

galantamine 8g
choline 500mg
melatonin 1mg

wake @ 3:30am
sleep @ 6:00am
wake @ 7:45 am

Astarius and the Whiny Vampire-thing

-I was lucid, in a bedroom by myself. I was trying to stabilize in the dream, and it was really dim. I was rubbing myself all over and saying, "I am lucid, the world is vivid" over and over. I got out of bed, and saw a small black creature on a long chain, on the bed. It looked like my sister's small dog, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted to let it go, but I didn't know what it was so I kept trying to get the lights on, saying, "lights on" and "I have the vision of the eagle" over and over, and finally tried to use the light switch, which didn't work. (Note to self: try "vision of the owl" or "night vision" in the future)

- I was becoming lucid, and realizing I was surrounded by a crowd of shadows pressing in on me. I stood up to one guy, and was asking him, "what do you represent? what do you want? do you have a gift for me?" I backed him against a wall, turns out he didn't have a gift for me so I pulled a ruby out of my heart and gave it to him. We were kind of at a standstill, and I asked, "God, what do I do with this person?". A ceramic mask appeared over the guys eyes, we both felt relieved, he said "thank you". I walked to the front of the house and came to a window. I carefully pressed on the window and it maybe cracked slightly but I dove through it pretty easily and flew out.

-Lucid - I was flying around and asked the dream to "show me something important". I was transported to a room where a (guy?) with a slight build was lying in fetal position on the floor, facing me, dressed in black. He started to tell me some kind of story about helplessness, and he bared his teeth which looked like vampire teeth...he started to tell me about how he "had" to be a vampire, he had no choice, some really whiny poor-me story. Then he bit my index finger on my right hand and latched on. I tried to shake him off by slamming him against the floor and the wall...and then I called out, "ASTARIUS!" The wall in front of me opened up and Astarius appeared and with his usual amazingly bright smile and attitude, said, "YES!" I held my hand out to him with the thing stuck to it which was becoming mush by that time and I was realizing it was not as it seemed...and asked him, 'what do I do with THIS?" and he pulled out a tissue and said, "let me help you with that, it's just a little sumpin' sumpin'. I expressed gratitude and appreciation for him and told him I'd let him get back to bed (he was dressed similar to the way he always dresses, except it looked like he was in jammies pattern).

Still lucid - Flying on - I tried to fly up into the black night sky. I couldn't get very far so I called an angel for help, as usual an angel never came so I just started wondering if some part of me would help me. A guy who looked a lot like Taylor zoomed alongside me and helped me fly and I asked him what he represented. He said something like "your bioelectric system" or something. He had a blue rubber headgear that looked like a superhero costume. He told me that "it is IMPERATIVE that you continue to take physical action", which I agreed, I understood it to be connected to something I thought of for solstice, as well as being kind of lazy about sitting back and waiting for the universe to hand me things. We flew to an ice rink where people were ice skating, and I remembered I had ice skated before and liked it and didn't suck too bad.

Flying around somewhere else later - I arrived at a building that had an opening to the right and spiral steps carved into the building going in and down, a purple light was glowing from the center. I thought of it as "Astarius's place". I tried to get in through the stairs, but they did an Alice in Wonderland on me and changed and got smaller and smaller or I got bigger, and couldn't fit. So I tried to get in through another entrance, the wall opened up to reveal something that looked like a desk, and there were boxes of pens in UV pastels all laid out. I was trying to dive in through without messing up the order, and tried to dive in but it was a little solid and so I tried moving everything out of the way telekinetically and stacking it all to the side and diving it, for some reason I don't think I made it in.