non-lucid

Non dream|nonlucid|lucid

It's just barely my birthday. I decided to take a short nap.

I lay for a while, body starts twitching, vibrating all over. I start seeing random partial scenes, still unsure as to whether I'm 'far enough in yet' to start building. I try, just a little, to move my body. I'm in SP. Feel like my fingers weigh a ton. Okay, I think, so I'm good to go. I stare into the darkness. Ask myself what I should be doing. Show me something useful. Remind me what to do. Ah! A lightbulb comes over my head. I've never flown. I guess I'll try it. I'm not sure what else to do with myself. I've tried 'flying' before but I just ended up jumping really high, wasn't trying hard enough. Well, here goes. I stand straight and insist that I'm 'like a bullet fired up from the ground'.

Well, I flew alright- STRAIGHT UPWARD. I start SHOOTING into space, weaving between asteroids and past planets. I see Jupiter and Saturn go by. I start going faster and faster, and I'm starting to freak out because the speed is causing 'wind resistance' as I cut through friggen space, and the roaring of it is making my ears hurt really bad. (Wtf.) I say to myself hey, it doesn't matter. It's just a dream. It's not like my ears 'actually hurt'. I try to ignore it. The pain just ramps up.

I feel my head start lolling to the side, sliding down the pillow.

The pain has gotten intolerable. I sigh and stop, floating in space. The ROARing in my ears still continues like I've got the meanest invisible earbuds playing static on max volume. It's like some kind of glitch is happening and I'm still 'hearing wind resistance' even though I'm stationary- and what's worse, it's *in* my ears, not coming from somewhere else.

I feel my hand now also begin to slide off the couch. My body begins to follow it, slowly rolling down onto the floor.

I try to do my usual 'hand crank in the air to turn down the volume'. The volume won't go down. I begin to wonder if something in WL is causing this. The pain doesn't stop. I start to lose my concentration. I feel my center of gravity get all jacked up, like my body is being flipped over.

I hear the halfglass of water and box of tissues get knocked off the foot of the couch by my feet as I roll over and fall, on my back, onto the floor. I lay there for a while, completely still, wondering if I can just keep dreaming regardless. I keep my eyes closed and focus on the planets I'd just seen move by. No dice. I open my eyes and start trying to move, but I'm still coming out of sleep paralysis. (For me, trying to move during sleep paralysis feels BADONG and uncomfortable- like a turd going back up your ass when you're trying to pinch one off.) I lay there for a while with my eyes barely open, unmoving. I look over and see that I've somehow overturned the couch while falling. Sigh.

I wrench myself out of it and get up, to set the couch back upright again. I start clearing the table and cleaning the house like I should've been in the first place. I am grouchy now. The couch is heavier than I expected, I start putting all my weight into shoving it. HRRGHHH

Realize the 'HURGH' discomfort is coming from my body, still in SP, still trying to move. I see the livingroom light behind my eyelids now. I'm awake. I lay there for a while to make sure I'm out of it before I start moving. I get up. DRAT.

NOTES: In the FA, there were several things that should have indicated it wasn't WL, that I failed to notice: 1. I was in my exboyfriend's flannel robe. I went to sleep in a pair of shorts. 2. THE COUCH WAS SIDEWAYS. No matter how hard a 125lb person 'falls off' a 6foot couch, the couch does *not* 'flip over' from the sheer force of them falling off while sleeping. Wtf. 3. I ONLY 'fall off the bed' during FA's! I've only fallen off the bed 'for real' ONE TIME when I was a kid. How would I be 'sliding off the 'bed' during SP?! Derp. 4. The livingroom light was off, and the lamp was on- so it was dark. In WL I'd left all the lights on.

FIRST DREAM:

Come across news article about 'Roy Spencer', older gay gentleman, now dead, victim of a hate crime. I write an angry article about how if only anyone gave a fuck, maybe this sort of thing wouldn't happen. (The gays can't even get a leg up, this is a huge fking problem, how's a tranny even supposed to deal when a gay man can't even live without being beaten into a casket.) 'We can all sit around and whine and bitch to other gays within our closed social circles about this, but that doesn't solve the real problem- the fucking problem is Out There, in the REAL WORLD, not in the stagnant, 'safe' homosexual microcosms we create for ourselves in big cities! The only reason these exist is to keep us from remembering the truth- that out there, we're fucking sideshow oddities and second class citizens! Did you know his name? Did you? Yeah, if you did, maybe this never would've happened, right? Because no one fucks with the gays in YOUR social circle. So what, we have to know a shit ton of other gays, be part of a buttfking gang in order to be safe, be respected? What about all of the other gays you don't know, the ones you can't protect because you *aren't* sleeping with each other? No matter how big the homo microcosm in San Fran gets, guess what! Roy Spencer is still in bumfk Egypt, Georgia, getting pillaged to death! THINK about that!' I talk to Justin about this within the dream, as we go for a walk through China town on the way to my old home on Kukui Street. He thinks this is all hilarious, and feigns anger to 'get me all riled up', but the only thing that comes of it is I mouth off to him, too, for being white, male, 'straight', cisgendered and middle class, and to top it off, indignant. END.

SECOND DREAM:

Had a birthday celebration marathon that included many of the students from my middle school, years and years back. Part of the fun was driving racecars around on the ice, which was incredibly dangerous, but we didn't care. This was a race we held every year, but this time it was setup so that it would take place on my birthday. Ambi often won, so she was talking smack about how she was the best, 'because my mom's a racecar driver! And quite frankly, I know how to drive!' But one of the blonde girls from my intermediate school, who played the part of 'the new student' showed up on a Kawasaki Ninja and when it came to the race, left Ambi in the dust. She whined incessantly about this. At the end of the race, her and a Bruiser(from Borderlands) had ended up in a draw, so they had a rematch with just the two of them on a track. We had to ride a trailer to a new track since the cars had turned the road on the previous one to slush.

While we were in the motorhome on the way to the new track I was admiring 'the new girl's skin, which was flawless, and I was thinking about telling her to take good care of it, since she looked like she had the potential to age beautifully, but I didn't have the nerve to even talk to her. She seemed to think I was creepy. I was afraid she'd make fun of me. We decided to stop by the side of the frozen desert at a little roadside restaurant, where it was now Scott's(another kid back from middle school) birthday instead of mine. When I turned a dial, all of the seats rotated so that everyone was sitting in a new formation. I arranged everything so that it would be 'perfect'.

Someone had tacked a note above the table I was sitting at, that had UV reactive ink on it that you could only read with a special flashlight. I found the flashlight in my pocket and me, the new girl, and two other guys, one who wasn't me, but looked like I do in WL, read it: 'The people assigned to sit here, Scott actually has huge crushes on. If any of you would be so kind as to strip or at least get topless once he has his seat next to you, well- that would be quite a present now, wouldn't it?' I remember being surprised that this implied Scott was at least bisexual, possibly more into dudes than girls (wtf?) seeing as to how the fraction was 3:1. I was embarrassed, because I'd stripped my wifebeater off before I'd even read the note, since for some reason it was ungodly humid within the diner.

One of the girls across the restaurant whistled and yelled something like, 'Well, he sure is quick to fulfill wishes, isn't he!?' I heard another girl yell, 'God, he's so skinny! You could eat from the depression under his ribs!' I started to turn red and, stuttering, insisted that it wasn't my intent to 'make a show' out of taking my shirt off. I started trying to scramble back into it before anyone else catcalled me, but Scott was already having a seat. The boy who had my face said, 'Aww c'mon dude, don't fuck it up right when he shows up. At least let him get a look at'cha, Skeletor.' Scott overheard this and was mortified, and said, 'Did... did someone tell you something about me that you AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW?' He started to panic.

I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to give him the impression I was 'undressed for him', either, but I was also afraid my full explanation would seem like a rejection, not to mention being paired with revealing that people had been gossiping about him. I hated the drama and wished I never knew, and that I wasn't here. END.

DREAM ONE:

The first one is you in my bathroom. This one is pretty vague and kind of blurry. You had a vag and I was about to go down on you. But there was like, a lot of toilet paper lint! I started rolling it off of your labia with my hand and making a little pile with it, to your dismay. And I was like, 'what? It's still good, it just needs to be dusted. But gee, there sure is a lot. Wait a minute. How the hell do you have so much toilet paper in here?' I mean there was a lot. It was making wads...Wet rolled up lint balls. And you said: 'Don't pick on me! We don't all have the pleasure of standing to pee! Some of us have to wipe.'

And I said, 'You don't? I've got like three spoons, you're welcome to using one, just rinse it afterwards. I'm sure we'll use like a third the amount of toilet paper.' And you said, 'No! I've been waiting forever for this, I'm not going to let you ruin it for me. Some of us go through pains to sit, okay?'

And I was like 'sorry, jeez.'
That was the end of that part.

MJ COMMENTS: The first part is basically your subconscious informing you of current events. "Hey we wanna go down on this chick but she's whiny and has stuff in her pussy and we don't like her right now."

SECOND DREAM:

I was walking around the bottom level of a movie theater, looking for the bathroom. Because I 'needed to take a bath'. (This makes no sense, but it did in the dream. Upon entering the bathroom, part of it was the bathroom at my house- our bathtub, our shower and everything, but with a urinal at one end and three sinks on the other.)

And guarding the hallway to the door was Justin(exboyfriend in WL), a security guard. Waking, I recognize that it was Justin, but in the dream he was a stranger. Just some random blonde security guard I didn't know.
When I passed him I smiled, thinking he was cute. He was standing in front of a softserve machine, that let out tofu flavored icecream. I snagged a free sample of this in a little tester cup. He said 'ah, that funky soy stuff, huh?' 'Yeah,' eating it.

And then he reached out and started trying to stroke my fucking nips through my shirt. I smacked his hand away and said, 'what are you doing? >: ( ' and he chuckled stupidly and went 'hehe come on, you like it.' 'No, no, I fucking don't!' And he reached out and started trying to do it some more. This actually felt kind of nice, but the violation of my personal space and blatantly ignoring my refusal, really pissed me off!

I smacked his hand away again and said, 'STOP IT!' (His touch was really pleasurable at this point, so I was having momentary confusion with whether or not the pleasure made me okay with it, before remembering to be angry. His fingertips I could feel right through my shirt, and the sensation wasn't of fingers, but like wet lace stroking me.)

He yet again made a stupid comment, like 'you want me' or some shit. This is the interesting part, I don't know if you remember me describing to you that I kept dreaming over and over that I punch someone with all of my might and they just laugh at me and I lose. And they either rape/pillage/destroytheworld/whatever because my 'best' was laughable. Well, I rear back and sock him in the fucking face. Just, BAM!. And he flies across the floor. Unconscious, with a broken nose, laying in a pile in the bathroom several feet away.

Instead of being happy, I start to freak out because I had no idea I was going to hit him that hard. I realized then that I had no proof of him sexually harassing me, which means that anyone who saw the 'punch' portion of that might think I was trying to mug him, and he could charge me with assault. Once again, dream logic makes no sense, and I go into the bathroom where his body is, to get into the tub so I can brush the icecream off my teeth and wash the blood off of my fists.

This is your second cameo, btw. You're already in the bathtub naked, squatting in front of the faucet washing your face. I have already taken off all of my clothes, and so you and I are squatting in the bath tub and I ask you to share some water with me via wash basin and you dump some over my shoulders for me. Everything is somehow fine and normal for this short part.

Then, all of a sudden, you're Ambi. This part is interesting to me, because the entire time you're you, I don't notice anything strange. But as soon as you're Ambi, all of a sudden it's like there's 'someone in there with me' in an unpleasant way. So a switcheroo has happened. Instead of wondering where you are, it's as if she's suddenly appeared and I've gone from being 'alone' to having someone fucking in there!

Let me rephrase, you didn't disappear, she just appeared. There was no 'where is MJ', but instead, 'what the fuck is Ambi doing here?' I looked at her and said as much. 'What the fuck are you doing in here?' And she was like, uhm, I'm taking a bath, hello. I said, jesus, have you been in here the whole time? If you've been here the whole time... Wait a minute, did you see what I did to that guy?' 'What guy?' 'There's a guy out there, bleeding in a pile on the floor. I punched him. You didn't see?' 'No...' 'Fuck, do you know what this means!' 'No...?' 'I don't have a witness!' 'And...?' 'Don't take this the wrong way, okay? But seriously, if your friend is being molested and you're like five feet away, and he PUNCHES the guy six feet across the floor and breaks his nose, dont'cha think maybe you should take notice? In the future, can we make this a normal occurrence, where I KNOW if you're suddenly going to show up, and uh, you employ a little 'assess, assist, report'?' (For some reason, 'assess, assist, report' was a construct in the dream like 'stop, drop, and roll' or 'grab, squeeze, twist, and pull', a short phrase you remember to react with in situations like these.')

She gives me this hurt look. I sigh and ask her to please hand me the tooth paste. She holds the toothpaste in her hand and smiles at me, and goes, 'Well mister, if you want it so bad, you'll just have to get it!~' And she fucking tosses it out of the shower, right next to Justin, on the floor. 'god damnit, do you have any idea what you've fucking done?!' I now reach my arm out of the tub, scrambling my fingers across the floor, to see if I can reach the toothpaste without getting out.

And Justin starts getting up.
I am scared shitless.

He groans and I can see through the curtain that he's holding himself up over the sink, checking his broken nose and sneezing blood onto the counter. I'm thinking 'shit, if he remembers I did that to him, I'm toast' I feel something against my finger, and it's not the toothpaste tube- but the back of his leather boot. I just bumped it. I snake my hand back into the shower and start to silently panic.

He turns around, and starts reaching toward the shower curtain. His hand reaches around and, doesn't open it, he just puts his hand past it... And he's holding the toothpaste. 'Hey, did one of you drop this? Same one I use. God... My head hurts. I can't remember what the hell happened. Did either of you guys see me fall, or something?' I say, 'No, sorry! Didn't even realize you were out there until you got up. You must've fallen after we were already inside, and the shower must've covered the noise.'

He says, 'Thanks, sorry about that... ooowughh...' and wanders off.

MJ COMMENTS: The breast feeling references Danny(chauvinist guy), but also references abusive relationships (I hate what he's doing but it feels good) and your capacity to actually break out of them. One of the things that holds you back from doing so is the fear that you would hurt a person who doesn't respect you. You punched Justin and it worked - because you realized you can get out - but it harmed him spectacularly. Which you felt terrible about. Then Ambi is in the bathtub, and she's not as comfy as me being there. You tell her "I'm looking for your approval" and she said "Hahaha, it's over there by the nasty guy". Which shows a need for control. Cue the fear of retaliation... (The toothpaste symbolizes approval. i.e., "Please give me something I would expect from you, since we are friends." "No! I deny it to you mock playfully, because I can! I control y00.") It's simply something you have no control over, and Ambi reduces your control further. (me: I think this is a nod to the common theme I have with people pulling the 'obliviously or half awaredly endangering your wellbeing in ways that wouldn't happen if we took you seriously'. This seems to happen in WL pretty often. Where my situation is glossed over, or the seriousness of my concerns dismissed and people do 'funny stuff' or 'whatever' and fuck my world up royally with their carelessness.)

THIRD DREAM:

It's my birthday. Justin(no longer a stranger, but my friend and exboyfriend as he is in WL) tells me he wants to take me to a cosmetics counter for my birthday, and I can just pick out a bunch of things that I like, and he'll treat me to them as a present. And he won't judge me, or give me crap, period, apart from maybe telling me I'm pretty. He reminds me that if I get a manicure done, he wants one, too. So we go to a counter, and we go to a Morning Glory, too, where we buy a bunch of really cute inane girly barrettes for our hair.

I get all kinds of beautiful eyeshadow, including bright violet and emerald green. When I get back to 'their house', (his house and her house, is the same thing. They don't necessarily 'live together', it's just that both their houses are 'not my house', thus, there is no difference in the dream and they're lumped together.) it's a strange combination of his house, and Ambi's.

I'm really happy right now, and so I decide to vacuum their ceiling for them, which hasn't been cleaned in ages. I flip a switch that also uses anti-gravity to move small particles from the carpet, to the ceiling, so I can suck them up in one go. They chide me for cleaning their house on my birthday, but I assure them don't worry, just a little more and I'll be done, I promise.

Justin's parents are there and they both smile and shake their heads at me, so does Ambi's mom and Justin and everyone hugs me. Then they wave goodbye, say they're going to go to the store or some such, and you kids play nice... Everyone leaves except Ambi.

She looks excited for me and says, 'So what did you get for your birthday?' And I open up a bright pink purse to show her all of the beautiful eyeshadow Justin gave to me(I am happy in this moment)...And it turns out all of the pots and jars and palettes were smashed and crushed somehow in transit, on the way to their house. So the entire bottom of the bag is just filled with broken jars and the powder is smashed to the point where it's mixed, and the color of dirt.

I am really sad at this, and frustrated. I say, 'It's such a huge waste... Those were all new, there were so many colors in there, and now it's just... Brown. How am I even going to put this to use..? I can't use this for anything, now. It's wasted...'

I start to cry.

She puts her hands on my shoulders and says, 'Alex, hey. It isn't as if it mattered. Your acne is so bad you look like you have some kind of terrible skin disease anyway.' I say to her, 'You're such a fucking bitch, god!' And she says, 'Oh yeah? Well YOU HAVE FUCKING ACNE, SO THERE!' I full on boo-hoo cry at this. I mean, fists to my eyes and everything, like a little kid, and that's the end.

MJ COMMENTS: 'Your birthday with Justin is wish fulfillment, and it's an indictment of Ambi. Your dream implies that Justin understands your desire for cosmetics more. Showing the cosmetics to Ambi is what broke them. One of the things I've learned about dreams is that unexpected events are always causally related to the circumstances when you notice them. I don't really know the exact scene, but her wanting to see them makes she actively broke them, and it's not your fault - her dialogue afterward is just aimed at her breaking you down.