ember

Many of these previous entries have been big marking points of my first experiences with lucid dreaming, vibrations, and other important phenomenon whose name I do not know.

hehehee

Since then, I have had lucid dreams randomly throughout the years. I have randomly felt these strong vibrations during the night... I haven't had "nightmares" in which I've felt scared; though maaaybe a couple for ~2 seconds before waking up. Now that I can wake myself up or stop things, nightmares feel nearly impossible. That is, until recently.

I am coming to the end of my semester abroad, but prior to leaving to come here, I talked to someone about astral projection and read a bit more about it. I tried a couple times before leaving and felt potential successes, so I downloaded a little "Guide to Hermetics" (perhaps one that was recommended) before I came. Busy for most of the semester and preoccupied with getting my shit together, I didn't think about any of this stuff much at all. But, once in a while I would.... Once or twice, I thought, maybe tonight I will try to astral project. Then, what previously seemed to be a random feeling of vibrations that would strike when I was least expecting it, would occur that night. (The only time it didn't was when I was incredibly tired and had no reason to say or think of it (imo).)

Including last night, that makes ~3 times during this semester having some feeling of AP or whatever is happening (I have no idea, really).

1. (after saying to myself, maybe try to AP tonight) Vibrations -> up-up --> feel like i am going upwards past this room. I make myself smile widely throughout it even though I am not feeling my best in general. I am excited, there is a doll, perhaps? Strange, wonder where I am and why I'm in this area. Windows, different house for sure, kind of fancy and large with high-ceilings and walls that I just keep going up and up in. I don't know if I stop on purpose or not, don't remember.

was so funny that I could just do that! just like when I say to myself, I'm going to wake up at 7 tomorrow morning, and then I wake up at that time, hardly on purpose (just think it without imagining it would actually happen just from that).

2. (recently). I am hardly trying. Vibrations, but I am almost pulled through them with no effort on my own. This is not good.... It feels like I'm being pulled up and things are moving fast. The energy feels negative, maybe completely or just partially because I'm paranoid because of some discord server stuff (joined a group which seems to be into a lot of this stuff + strange stuff I don't know about). In either case, I know I am not feeling trying to control anything or deal with this (not in mood) and I make myself wake up. First time hardly works (make myself wake up, close my eyes and I'm back, practically), so the next time I go from laying on my back to my side. This worked!

3. Last night (though I forget quite a bit already). Not sure if I thought about it prior to it happening again, but I think I did a little bit. Later, during the night, I woke up from my dream slightly. I knew *this was it!* and closed my eyes immediately and thought to myself to lift up like before. I met the wall of vibrations and, after a bit, surpassed it. However, I thought this and made this decision in a split second of time - I did not consider it much. So was I really ready? Did I really want to do this now? I don't know.
In any case, though....again, I went up. I don't remember how much control I had but it was definitely not a large amount. I was, however, more awake than the last time, and it didn't feel half as "negative".

It did, however, feel a bit negative, though not right away.

So as I went up, I was surprised to see that I was again inside a tall house with large windows, kind of fancy. This time it was not as dark and blue-tinted (like the first time with the doll), but it seemed like it was sunset-time-y. At one point I saw people sitting at round tables, I believe? Maybe a man (white man, balding, glasses, suit -- but this is probably just in my head, it was so vague and faint, everything, and he was not important at all; his description just helps describe the sort of vibe of the place).

I passed more things, I think, or at least felt and saw more than just this, but I can't remember. This was definitely the longest I have been in this "place" in one complete, consistent bout of time, and I felt that I could remain in it for a long amount of time. I knew I wasn't in the correct mindset, however, and did not feel great about it all, so I began to feel like I should leave.

Leaving to try to wake up felt similar to trying to wake up during sleep paralysis, though on the "other side" of things. That same barricade was there, it seemed, keeping me in that side as there is keeping me on the other side (that I must "go through" to get there). Part of me trying to wake up was likely propelled by some fear of negative things or not being able to make myself wake up, spurred by trying to move slightly (into my waking body's direction) and being met with such a strong barrier.
It's all very interesting and I don't understand it, but I would like to!

I really had to push myself awake (to this awake state, it felt like), and eventually did that. Then slept on my side as I had learned from the last time, and it was all fine. I wanted to write about it..since it was dark could only use my phone, but after I got ready to write (type) I must have closed my eyes for a second and fallen asleep again. I was exhausted. Woke up with my phone next to my head, and have been thinking about this entire event throughout the day today.

There is definitely a lot to explore.

I remember explaining to someone my reasoning about wanting to go to New Zealand, because I loved big mountains...

I was, for some reason, going into my old middle school with people from my high school to eat dinner in the cafeterias. We must have been together for some sort of a program, but I'm not really sure. I know that I stayed behind a bit while everyone went to dinner. Then, I walked towards the cafeteria and began to feel kind of numb... my whole body was pretty numb, but in a "feeling-sick" kind of way. I knew I would have to lay down or something eventually, but first I checked the line. I walked towards the end of the folded line and saw that it was too long, so I began to walk back down the hallway.

On my way back, I saw an open room with some things that interested me (I can't remember what they were). I walked into the room - a dimly lit computer lab - and saw some very new-looking computers (some of which were turned on) and identical, quality backpacks that were resting on most of the chairs, all with a sleek laptop in them. My reaction to this was natural, but right after seeing them the principal (or someone in "high authority" at the school) walked in rather quickly to bend over and quickly use one of those new computers (it was touch screen, I had another natural reaction to this fact). He mentioned to me what was going on and why he was in a rush: a student with some sort of known health problem or impairment was having an emergency situation and he was getting her help. Apparently it was a really big deal because he said that she would be in the hospital for a while. Then, he said I should make her a piece of art for when she's in the hospital. I was all, "Why would you say this? I'm not an artist," and he was all, "Actually, I've seen some past work you've done, you should/can do it,"- he then walked over to the wall of the room and pulled up some sort of cover that hid a piece of art that I had previously made. It was a large piece with some nice shading in shadowy areas, lots of blues, angles, and in the bottom portion some nice water that was moving naturally as water in my dream (I seemed to know in the back of my mind that it was a dream, because I reacted as if I knew this when I saw the water, it made me smile). I recalled making this in a previous art class, but I had definitely forgotten about it since (I never actually made the piece). I said something like, "Wow, this actually looks pretty good with the lighting in here!" because I had really forgotten about it and was legitimately surprised that I - apparently - used to be good at art.

During this time, I had still been feeling that numbness and sickness, but it didn't prevent me from talking to the man. I told him that it's funny that I ran into him to have this conversation so early (he was going to ask me about that painting thing anyway), and then explained why I was there - the turned-around, felt sick thing. I tried to explain to him all my strange symptoms. I had never felt that numbness before but I knew it wasn't anything good. He said that maybe I could go with the emergency service-people when they arrived, along with the other girl.

They arrived right after that, and I walked outside onto the sidewalk in front of the school (streetlights were on, it was dark out) to wave at the people coming into the school and motion that I needed help as well. At this point, I couldn't speak, I was feeling too bad. Someone saw me, as I thought they would, and brought me onto the vehicle with them (for some reason it was a school bus). I sat there, numbly, and watched two of the young workers talk to each other. It was sort of like I was observing them in their social state, thinking that it was kind of annoying how the one girl was happily gabbing away about social things while we were there waiting on the bus, but then not blaming her because why shouldn't she do that?. I watched her decently pretty, happy face, then looked outside and watched another overweight girl with no makeup on stand there doing nothing as she was supposed to, with a blank facial expression that wasn't happy. I noted how she was sort of depressing to look at. This watching&observing of people was the most realistic part of my dream. I also looked out the window at another emergency vehicle and saw a baby who they said something about - she was either sick or had a deficiency of some sort - and although she was bald with an unusual-shaped head and a tiny body and big eyes, she didn't look like she was in any pain. She was shrieking, and her O-shaped open mouth took up an unusually large portion of her face. The shrieking may or may not have existed intermittently with laughter, but I knew it was a happy shriek, and no workers reacted to the sight of her. I tried to watch her and react by being happy and feeling love and care for the child, despite her appearance and shrieking that naturally made me feel scared and uncomfortable.

The dream ended with me feeling completely numb, watching that girl shrieking. (I didn't watch her for a long or unnatural amount of time, maybe 5-10 seconds - the dream just ended there.)

CRAZIEST part: I woke up mentally knowing where I thought my two arms were. My left one on my left side, and my right one crossed over my body (maybe that was my position in the dream? I have no idea). When I turned my head to the right, though, I saw my right arm stretched to the right. It was really confusing, I did a double-take/feel and that is certainly how I felt. I guess my entire arm has never been 100% numb before, because that was a feeling like no other. I felt like I had no arm, and that that body part sticking out from me was not a natural part of my body at all. It was strange that somehow it felt like my arm was really in a different place, as if it were trapped inside my body. I don't know how nerves work, though.
Anyway, I sat up and made it move in front of me (my head had previously been resting on it). I was a little worried I'd hurt it since I could not feel my elbow at all or any other part of my arm, and I watched it bend and flop forward unnaturally. It was so weird. And I found it so strange that becoming numb was a main part of my dream.

I slept on the family room couch for this one. Went to bed around 4:30. (Had an earlier nap in which my dream felt like it lasted for 1000 years. It was so nice.)

This time, between dreams, I felt no vibrations/sleep paralysis, yet I still felt that wooshing feeling of my "body" accelerating upwards. My head felt intense pressure and a few of the times I "tried" to make myself go up further and it happened, even during the dream. I'm not sure why; it didn't seem to better the lucidity or anything like that. Each time it happened I thought, "So this is happening...why??"

My stability in the dreams wasn't great. I felt myself waking/about to wake up several times during it, but I persistently went back to sleep. I tried to make the dream more stable a few times, though. I've read about people looking at their hands to do this, so I tried that, but it did nothing. I found that looking at my feet on the floor really helped, sometimes jumping while looking down at them. It would feel clear after that, if only for a minute or so. Several times, though, after all the effort, I was feeling like, "What's the point to all this?" because it was unstable to the point where it felt pointless.

In the actual dream, i can't recall quite what happened. I know there were others "like me" in it. At some point when I wasn't yet lucid and was in a dream area of my school that I'd been in before, I was discussing with someone how lucky the younger kids were to have the school redone for them, just like the middle school. (while we were in the middle school it was under construction until the year after we left, so same kind of thing).
Oh my god! Okay, I remember something I really don't want to remember because it involved me feeling really h---y toward another girl, and I was confused in the dream but was like, hey whatever, she's here! It only lasted > a minute because my mouth went somewhere and I felt my teeth touch each other on my physical, sleeping body. (Things like that kept happening, so I must have been 1/4 "out of the dream" or something.)

Sarah was in my dream, not sure why. There was a sort of sense of danger throughout the dream, or like I was in a sort of competition with high-ish stakes. I don't know. Anyways, at one point I realized, "Wow, I forgot I can fly and get away from all of this." And I just flew up in the air and smiled huge because flying feels so freaking cool. I flew for a long time, so that's the last thing I remember.

Things I tried: I finally remembered to try walking through walls. So that was cool, I guess. I went right through like everyone says happens. I tried something else, too, but don't remember what. :/

I think my basic list of things to do has been covered!
Basic checklist:
-looked at hands
-looked in mirror
-read
-walked through walls
-looked at hands
-experimented with clocks
-met people saying they were 'of the dream world' (not really something i can "try" but including it anyway)

Ohhh, I never tried the basic light switch thing! So I'll be thinking of more things to do for the next time I'm in an LD, hopefully more complex than walking through walls

I was really surprised how quickly this happened again.

Only three days after my first SP -> LD trip, I found myself in SP again. This time was different, though.

As I felt the intense vibrations, I tried to do what I did last time, which was make my body accelerate towards the ceiling, but I couldn't do that. I don't know if it's possible for me to "make" myself do that if it doesn't "begin" by itself.

Anyway, in SP I just visualized my dream...and it worked! I would be in the dream I visualized, more or less. So, that happened several times (going in and out of SP - LD) This happened a week ago and I don't remember my dreams all that much. I finally remembered to look at my hands, though! For me, they weren't really demented so much as a finger or half a finger was missing.

Wish I had more time to type all this.
I've been having sleep paralysis more frequently now, so for the first time I didn't try to make myself wake up and I didn't just lie there during it. But, that's because I was just in a lucid dream that kind of propelled me from it.
(The order of these dreams kind of confuse me, so they might be a little off. I woke up in some way (into SP or into another dream) at least three times.

1st lucid: - realized I was lucid because I had the memory of literally just going to sleep. I made the place I was in (wooden, barrels, huge and cylinder-shaped with lots of bars across) expand upwards infinitely to test that I was lucid. Sometime later, thought I heard my alarm clock go off, heard a persistent beeping noise (and just realized now my alarm clock is a song anyway...I guess my conscious self didn't even realize that). I kind of woke up then, but then I looked around and realized...wow, i'm still in a dream. okay? This dream was in a worse setting. I could tell right off the bat that there weren't pleasant vibes. A guy with a gun, darkish room, don't recall other things rn...I was like oh shit what do I do? (throughout all these dreams this night everything seemed to move VERY quickly, it was so weird. it felt like it was moving much faster than earth events) so I tried to fly away in this quick-paced state, realized, oh whoop, can't do that, so I messed with the plot somehow, kinda hazy with details. I just thought to myself, okay "GOOD VIBES" all around and light started shining and I started gaining power/light? to somehow "defeat the bad guy." I don't really know.

SP: - Right when I did that is when my dream body seemed to rocket up into my physical body and enter an *intense* sleep paralysis mode. Time was still kind of moving quickly, although definitely slower than in the dream and in "normal" real-time, since SP always seems very real like you're wide awake. (maybe you are? idk, anyway)
So I didn't have thAT much time to think. I know once I entered SP and my body started shaking, my dream body propelled upwards out of my bed, toward the ceiling. Then the acceleration declined significantly and I had to "fight" with physical strength, it seemed, to keep moving up. I felt very uncomfortable during this state. I could feel my tongue pushing against the top of my retainer to try to "keep going up" or whatever happened. (During this i was aware that i didn't know exactly what to do, so i just went with that and didn't think much about it. it was pretty exciting!! which i guess is why the discomfort wasn't too bad) Then, I reached it! I went "high" enough so that I reached a dream!

2nd dream - fucking shit i wrote for 11 minutes, i only wanted to write for 5. fucking college essay. okay. -walked outside, bright sunny day green grass - thought to self "i need people" (i think, maybe not. it's hazy) - 2 tables - my age v. adults - torn between where to go/sit -black man glasses some type of atypical accent, leaning over speaking intensely to the table, saying, "ember was on a website, she was talking to a man with a (motions to his face) long beard... " -heard my name and that stuff, freaked the fuck out, woke up, was 4:20-ish (not long after i went to sleep), wrote down on phone

omg....wow i wrote some of it down already. could have just looked at that

okay, and initial thoughts after that were
woww so that's what it's like to LD from SP?? never thought it would happen that way! felt like my actual body left my bed! that was intense, etc. (although now that i've had more out of SP i know it doesn't always happen that way)

Finally, a weekend to sleep in and just dream. I don't know what this part of my night was (not a dream) but I'll have to include it, anyway. When I became thoroughly exhausted at 4am, I happened to be in my sister's room and decided to just crash there. When I laid down, though, I felt this warm breeze on my face. The feeling was comparable to someone passing by me, which I found a bit strange. I never try any DILDs, WILDs, or other sleeping techniques, nor have I actually read through any on here, so I don't know if this relates to one of these techniques, (I kind of thought so,) but it sure was weird to me. Within two minutes of laying there, that ringing noise you hear in your ears increased significantly and then seemed to *change frequencies*, finally settling on one that was higher and very clear. As soon as it settled, my entire body shook as if an earthquake was occurring. I knew things like this happened sometimes, so I just went with it, but nothing really happened after that, other than vibrations. I didn't really know what to do, either. Since I was pretty spooked out by that warm breeze still and nothing was happening after that "incident," I just sat up and went to my room to sleep. Having a nightmare was not on my to-do list.

In my own room I had two consecutive lucids immediately, I'm guessing because I was so exhausted. In one of the dreams, I was at school. When I "woke up" I had the feeling, as usual, that it is very easy and natural to do, and that I'm always capable of doing it. I wracked my brain, thinking of things people have told me to try that I hadn't before. I wasn't very alert or concentrated at this point (had to focus every ten seconds or so to remain lucid and wasn't really feeling much energy to try) so I knew I couldn't do anything huge. I looked around and realized, "I could try reading!" Someone had told me that reading things was interesting because after you read something, if you try to read it again it changes. To my knowledge, nothing changed, though, and I did read a few things. Oh well, I thought. I really can't remember the other thing I tried. It may have been using my phone because it was technology? If I did that, I think it also worked, but I didn't put much effort into that one, either. I know I ran to another classroom later because I remembered from my pre-lucid state that some of my friends were in the, say, English room. I always run in lucid dreams because it feels funny and unnatural and why not? When I got there I scanned the room, looking at my classmates, and saw someone I've always found very attractive. I kind of grabbed at his bare arm (he was wearing a t-shirt) but his arm grew thinner and slipped away. I know I looked to see if his twin was around (I also find him attractive, haha,) but I don't think he was. Whether he was there or not, I tried again, taking one of their wrists and this time holding on successfully. It was kind of a big deal getting our fingers to intertwine and holding hands.

As soon as we did and our palms pressed against each other, I woke up. I realized I was horny!! This was/is a big deal to me because even after 17, almost 18 years of living I have never been able to say that I have "felt horny." So, finally! (Don't worry, the rest is actually SFW.) I went back to sleep, knowing that I could wake up lucid again and hoping I could maybe figure out my sexuality a little bit, now that I know I'm capable of feeling horny. (I actually really hate that word.) So I entered my next dream lucid and what do you know? A blond, taller, and more built version of Josh Hutcherson happened to emerge from a shower. (I don't know why him - I even had to look up his name to type it just now - but whatever, I'll take it!) I won't write what my thoughts were about what I wanted to do, but basically nothing really happened, although I can't remember why. It's possible that I woke up within the next few minutes and gave up, or that I was too tired in my lucid state to continue, but either way, I know at some point I said "fuck it" and just gave up my lucid state because of my lack of motivation. In my head, I thought, "I know I'm exhausted in real life but I shouldn't be in my dream, too!" I wasn't feeling it, though.

If anyone reads this and knows what I was describing in the first paragraph, please let me know!

Realizations: reading isn't always impossible, it really is easy to become lucid, last time I was lucid (about a week ago) I also woke up a few times and had gone to bed late, it's difficult for me to figure out sexual things in dreams, and I need to work on not being lazy and unmotivated.