escarlett

I’m so confused right now about myself. I’m not sure about my own identity anymore. It all started with a dream that seemed to be real. Like it was a lost memory that my brain tried to recollect. And it went like this. I dreamed about the day I was born. It was in a delivery room. The doctors were there and I saw the light that’s being used in the delivery room. The doctors were like foreigners (for I am an Asian and they were Caucasians. I grew up in an Asian country). One of the doctors handed me over to an assistant doctor. I still could remember, he was wearing eyeglasses and he took off his face mask and smiled at me.
That dream went into another dream. My second dream was I was in the street. I was like lying in a stroller. I didn’t know who’s with me for I did not see his/her face. We were about to cross the street when the person who was with me got hit by a car. I actually did not see how it happened. I only heard car engine that suddenly stopped. And I heard people crying for help. That’s the end of my dream.
My mom told me I was born in our old house and only the midwife came to assist her. But in my dream I was born in a hospital. She said I was born and grew up in the same country but in my dream, I was born in a foreign land, a snowy land- I am living in tropical country.
Before two of my siblings used to tease me with “adopted child” and “child of a broken bamboo tree” – it means your mother left you somewhere and no one knows who your parents are. She also said when I was born, my feet went out first before my head. In my dream, well, just like most babies, my head went out first before my feet. Ridiculous but it's true. But I did not mind them for I was so sure that I was not an adopted. Besides, my parents love me so much and I am the favorite child. So, I didn’t give any meaning to my dream. And I had forgotten it already for it was many years ago. Until just this year, I had another dream. There was a woman who came to our home. I’ve heard a lot about her but I never met her in person. I was not interested about her. Well, she has a very good reputation. She’s rich, she’s beautiful and she’s smart. She came from a decent family. But she was not like the type which I want to look up to. She came and said to me she’s my biological mother. My mom told me it’s not true. I was not an adopted and she’s my real mom. But the woman insisted that she’s my real mom. She said she had been looking for me for so many years. She even hired a private investigator just to find. I told her that she must be mistaken. I told her I was not the baby she was looking for. Then, she cried and begged me to believe her. She came up to an idea to had me and her a DNA Test. She asked a DNA sample from me. I just gave her a sample to prove to her she was not my biological mother. After some days, she came back with the DNA Test results that showed “POSITIVE”. She’s my biological mother! I wasn’t able to take it right away. I still insisted that I was not her baby and I was not an adopted child. She cried and asked me why I still did not believe though the DNA results proved I was her daughter. That’s the end of my second dream.
When I woke up, I said to myself it was only a dream and nothing more. After some weeks from that dream, I dreamed about this woman again. But this time, in my dream, I started to accept the fact that she’s my real mom. We were on a vacation in a beach resort. I was with her, my mom who raised me up and my boyfriend. Though she was there, I was still closed to the mom who took care of me for so many years. Though she was with us, I acted like she was not there. She felt out of place and walked away into her cottage. I was guilty for not treating her the way I should had treated her. I told my mom and my boyfriend that I would follow her. In her cottage, she was just lying on her bed and she was so sad. I asked her what’s wrong. She only said she’s not feeling well and had taken medicine. She told me to go back to my boyfriend and to the mom who was with me since I was young. She said she would be fine. I went back outside and told my mom and boyfriend that I would be taking care of my biological mom for she’s sick. And that’s the end of my dream. That made me more confused now. Aside from the feeling of being outcasted by my other siblings and the differences of our attitudes. And though I love my parents and they love me too but I really don’t feel like so close to them. I don’t feel parents-child connections. I feel like I am not part of the family though I am the apple of their eyes.