Kumara

Bed @ 2am
Wake @ 7:45am

200mcg Huperzine-a
4mg nicotine gum

Dream 1 -
I was in a room that looked like a dressing room, rustic-style, wood. I walked out and approached a full length mirror.
I saw my features shift and blur and I knew that I was dreaming (for a moment).
I thought or said, "I want to see how beautiful I *really* am."
My hair was dark and thick and straight and started to stand on end, it freaked me out a little and then I turned and walked into another space. It was like a saloon, I may have walked through swinging doors. The room was full of men playing pool. All of them looked at me as I entered, and they seemed to all be looking at me with hostility.

I felt a little unnerved, and tried not to show it and to appear confident. I passed a pool table where two men were playing a game of pool, all of the balls were 8-balls, there were a lot of them, more than a usual game, and some of them were sitting perched on plastic cups, my impression was they were filled with jack and coke and maybe water.

I picked up one of the 8-balls, and walked outside. I saw an area to the left and thought that I could go there if I imagined a bridge. I rolled the 8-ball on the ground like a bowling ball, flew up in the air, and asked, "what's beyond this dream?" and woke up.

**I wrote in my scribbles "Who are you really?" and I vaguely remember asking that in the dream

Dream 2 - At a place that was related to work in some way. I was sitting on a wooden porch, and there was a trapdoor that I had put a lot of stuff in. Colorful blankets, a clear plastic box of stuff. I pulled it all out and tried to put it back in neatly, and realized it wouldn't all fit back in. It all fit before because I had just tossed it in carelessly, and now that I was trying to organize it, there wasn't enough room.
I dug through the stuff in the plastic box, and there were two items that are hard to explain.
They were silver nickels, but they had silver tabs attached to them, it was like the tabs had to be removed before the nickels were valid. I pulled one off, and noticed the weight and the design of it, then pulled the other one and noticed that the design of it had changed and was now more scroll-like, more delicate, and the weight of it had changed to thinner and lighter.

I tucked a blanket in around the top of the stack, and chose the plastic box to take out while I closed the trap door. I was explaining all of this to someone standing to my right, possibly C.

Fragments - in a room with Teri, images or thoughts of a room full of women, of goddesses.
An image of staring at a drawing hanging on a wall of St. Christopher. It was sepia-toned.
Teri was sitting on the floor in front of me and I sat behind her and pressed myself against her, cuddling her from behind.
In a room talking to two guys, a contemporary couch like an Ikea couch, a scenic view from the apartment.
Talking to a couple of people in a modern kitchen, leaning over the bar facing them (they are in the kitchen). There are a couple of coinpurses on the counter and I look through each one to see what's inside.
I feel a little self-conscious, and explain that I just like to look through the change.
Something about noticing that all of the people in the room or in my life or something all had been abandoned or had abandoment issues.

I woke up from this dream about 30 minutes ago.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 11:30pm
200mcg huperzine-a before bed

Some context: I just moved into an apartment that I got at a significant discount because someone died in it 7 mos. ago. Nothing too strange has happened, once the lights in the living room were turned on when I went in, and yesterday a rolled up black piece of fabric from I don't know what the heck was lying on the bathroom floor, that hadn't been there just a few moments before.

Also, just before bed I did a meditation on healing past relationships, something I thought of earlier as "giving up the ghost" because really with one guy I was in love with the ghost of who he seemed to be early on, but ultimately not who he really is.

So. I also had some pain in the left side of my belly, happens sometimes when gas gets trapped, I could feel the pain in my sleep. I tossed and turned and began dreaming in kind of a twilight state. I dreamed that a "ghost", an invisible being, was pressing on my belly. I was powerless and couldn't fight it off, it was annoying and painful and I couldn't do anything about it. I finally managed to turn over and the ghost started pressing me on the other side, and kind of batting me. I couldn't move, I couldn't swat at it, and it was annoying like a fly, in the way it was pressing on me and wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to yell at it, and had no voice.

This went on for a while, until I managed to stand up and open a door and walk out. Up to that point, the scene was just like my room IWL, but the door in the dream was to the left of where my bedroom window is IWL, and there was a frame of a screen door. The ghost tried to keep me from opening the door, I went in and out of feeling powerless and paralyzed, and finally opened the door and stepped outside.

I could feel the wind catch the ghost and it began to dissolve and float away with the wind. It tried to get back into the apartment and close the door, but I held the door firm and felt more of it that had been wrapped around me fall away and dissolve. I think my voice returned then, too. Then I woke up.

After I woke up, I got up and moved around. My stomach still hurt, so I put some hot water on the stove to make some ginger tea, then decided as a symbolic act of acting out my dream I would open my front door and step outside...I stepped outside for a few moments, then came back in and heard a loud POP! and the sound of breaking glass....I had turned the wrong burner on and exploded a pyrex dish left on the stove. It felt like a release of energy, related to releasing the ghost or something. And now there is glass all over my stove and floor because I don't have a broom yet

Fragment 1 - I was snuggling up to C, he was lying back on the arm of a couch and I leaned forward and let him put my arms around him. I was reassuring him all I wanted was cuddling, I wasn't trying to make a sexual advance. It felt nice to get close to him, and I was still a little nervous.

Fragment 2 - I was redecorating a coffee shop (?) and was with friends hanging long strands of beautiful large jewels on the wall like garland. I rearranged them so that the colors were more harmonious and spread out and there was more green prominent. I noticed a place on the wall where the strands covered a white sheet of paper that was stuck on a corkboard on the wall. It may have been a yoga class schedule, and I stuck a clear thumbtack through it and said, "the yoga has to GO." I moved over to a woman sitting in a booth in the shop, who seemed a little surprised and I think she was the one who designed the sheet and she said, "but I haven't even saved that one yet", as though me changing it somehow deleted the design from her computer.

1st dream - I was riding in the back seat of a car with a young man, he was on the driver's side behind a man driving, who was a "Father" type man. We were riding to rehab or something like that.

waking dream - a snippet of a conversation with my son, I pulled him aside into a room, sat him down in front of me and asked him firmly, "What is it that you MEAN?" or "What is it that you WANT?" (not sure).

I was facing a girl with brown skin, wearing tribal clothing (middle eastern style). She flashed a few cards with various images on them in front of my face. The one that I remember was one of a large eye. I looked closer, thinking at first it was a photo of a whale's eye, then realizing it was an elephant's eye. It seemed meaningful to me at the time (I recently read a story that had elephants in it..).

I walked outside to go see the elephants - the first one I saw was HUGE, and deformed, something was weird with the trunk...and it was behind a fence made of what looked like railroad ties (horizontally placed between fenceposts).
Someone was next to me and we walked along the fence, and saw more and more ENORMOUS animals, which I understood to be dinosaurs.

I wondered how such a small fence could keep such huge creatures out, and I remarked to my companion that they were just so huge it was hard to believe they were real, but they were! Further along the fence I noticed a velociraptor approaching. I stepped under a white plastic awning that covered a section of the top tier of the fence. The velociraptor was exactly where I was, and I felt/saw/heard it hop up on top of the plastic thing I was under, and over the fence.

I thought I would be safest staying there, then thought better of it. I noticed now there was a crowd of people rushing back into the building I had just come out of, which now looked like a Church of Christ building I went to when I was a kid. Someone handed a baby to me and I don't remember what I did with it....

I made it in and went to the wall, where there was a line of elevators. An authority -type person (minister? pastor?) was trying to calm people down by giving a sermon on the ups and downs and tragedies of life, saying something like, "we ask ourselved, how COULD this happen?"

I was thinking...really we could be questioning our thoughts here...and I pushed a button that opened all of the elevators, and light poured into the room.

The crowd of people turned toward me and chastised me for bringing in the light, that it was going to attract the velociraptor. I felt bad, thinking, "Oh, I made another wrong decision, I keep making the wrong choices."

***Yesterday my purse was stolen from my car. I did (and am continuing to do) a lot of self-inquiry...I felt the feelings of fear really deeply...I questioned my thinking about the whole thing. I am practicing the model that THIS is a dream, is a hologram, and anything that really rattles me is a reflection of what I am attached to as being real, and identifying as a small self, separate from "God" or "Source".

I blessed the person who stole my purse, took responsibility for my part, acknowledged that *I* created the whole situation.

I did beat up on myself a bit for being stupid and leaving my purse in the car, and for suspending my phone service so quickly (I fantasized that maybe I could have caught the person if they used the phone...).

Before I went to sleep, I asked for a dream to show me what I could learn from the situation. My take on this dream, is that the dinosaurs that seem so huge and terrifying and real, are fears...that are NOT real. Also, dinosaurs represent the old, the ancient, the extinct. Not sure what is up with the deformed elephant and I'm open to suggestion.

The elevators reflect to me taking action that brings in the light, that other parts of me fear, because bringing in the light seems to attract those scary monsters. I second-guessed my actions last night, but the dream shows me that I made the right choice and that the pushback is just fear, and the fear is of something illusory and unreal.

2 Natra Sleep before bed

I remember having dreams about "soul" and "angels" through the night but couldn't remember them when I woke up during the night.

Upon waking:
I was a cashier at a tiny, old convenience store. There was an old black man standing next to me, watching the tools in my register multiply - the 'register' was a drawer with a kitchen utensil drawer inside of it (like the one I just bought) and the tools looked like kitchen tools, peeler, bottle opener). A guy came up and handed me a $5 bill, and I wondered if I had change because there was no money in it before.

I opened the drawer to give him change, and in the 2nd slot from the right there was a stack of cash, which surprised me, and I pulled out some $1's, and noticed a $20 in the middle, I thought the guy was trying to trick me into giving him the twenty.

The end.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 2:45 am
Bed @ 3:30am
Wake @ 9am

Before bed: 2 caps Theanine Serene

Non lucid: I was walking up a path toward an ornate pavilion, where two lines of women sat facing each other. The ones facing me were dressed in "Tibetan monk" robes but they were different from IWL, more Thai style. The path changed as I got closer and became covered in pink lotuses. I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk on them, and I noticed that the women on my side were taking communion, and I hesitated and sat on a round circle of white cloth on the ground which was prickly, because I wasn't of their religion so I didn't think I should participate in the communion.

In front of me, a priestess/monk woman was talking to my friend Ceanna, and told her that she had something different for her, and from behind her stuck a tissue in her mouth. Ceanna whooped and danced around and seemed to enjoy whatever it was she received.

Then I was closer in, sitting with the women. They were passing around what looked like a wedge-heel shoe. The woman to my left said, "When they pass the pig around you should ask for the money. They give it out to people, you should tell them you're a good person and (you'll do good with it?)."

The shoe came my way and I passed it along and said something that I don't remember, I remember that it felt false and like I was repeating what I heard them say and it didn't really make sense. (Obvious reflection of longtime issues of not fitting in or not belonging.)

Woke at 2:45 am (planned to wake at 3:30 but earlier dream woke me up so I took supps and went back to bed).
8mg galantamine
500mg choline
2mg melatonin

Okay....here goes....

Non-lucid - I was holding a small child, in the dream she was my sister K. We were talking and enjoying each other's company. I saw that her 3rd eye was open, it was sort of blipping in and out of sight. I told her that I noticed it was open, and as I observed a whole row of eyes opened across her forehead, very beautiful and sparkling. Someone came in to take her, and commented on how happy she was and how well she was doing. I was really sad and upset that they were taking her and pleaded for them to let her stay with me since she was doing so well.

gaps after that, just an image of another baby who may have been evil, who insisted on vomiting on me and it was a big thick stream of something white like lard (with gold in it) and I was trying to avoid it and get it off of me

Woke up at 4:30, had forgotten to turn my normal morning alarm off, slowly back to sleep.

I decided to go ahead and sleep on my back and take a chance on SP.
At some point after that, I feel myself paralyzed and I roll with it, managing to take a deep breath and consciously transforming the feeling of fear to excitement as best I could. Then I begin rising up and up to the top of my room (looking back I might call it an OBE). I am feeling pulled by a force, still feeling paralyzed, I do my best to relax into it and not fight it or freak out too much. I am pulled or float to one side of the room, and bump the wall, I can still feel the feeling of the sheetrock brushing my skin.

I floated from there, across the room, bumping the ceiling fan, and bumping into the opposite wall.
I see a small round alien ship outside my bedroom window, and I realize it's playing the Close Encounters music. The ship looked like a miniature version of the Close Encounters ship, with the beautiful lights which are shining in through my blinds. (Even though I knew I was dreaming, the feeling of my body rising and hitting the wall and ceiling fan was so real, plus the music from the ship, I wondered whether my neighbors could hear...)
I finally start to have a little bit of a grip on the dream, and I hid in the bathroom. I didn't want the aliens to get me!

Ok ok I'm a little more coherent now and decide to go out to the ship, I'm dreaming, what's the harm? I step out of my bathroom and next thing I know I am on the ship, seemingly alone. I walk into a room and in the center of the room is a bench that looks to me made of pewter or silver, with filigree scrollwork. I wonder if that is where 'they' do their research, if they are going to try to do the anal probe (lol) there or what...

Oh, I catch a little more snap. This Isn't Real. So I began digging into a wall, and the wall gives way. I continue to dig through layers and layers of what looks like brain tissue, until I get to a pocket where there is a large green grub nestled. I pulled it out and tried to squish it. It tried to attach itself to me so I ran a few frequencies through it to try to fry it or change it. Finally I asked, "how could this thing be dead?" waiting to see what happened. I think it then changed into a black circle that tried to go back into the tissue and I chased it down firing frequencies at it until I think it fell out and off into space (I hope!).

---Next scenes, I'm not sure of the sequences ---
---I am in a tent with a guy who wants to kiss me. I'm not lucid, and not very conscious so I push him off and notice in profile that he's not very attractive to me. I asked him who he was and he said something like he was one of a bunch of pixies that would go through the portals between worlds and visit. He looked at me face-on, and I think he had only one eye on the left, and on his right was a row of flashing LED's across the browline.

---lucid - I am on an planet that I identify as Mars, because it is so dark and hot and murky. I notice a big pool of dark fluid that seems hot, and I decide to dip in it because I know I am dreaming. It didn't really feel like anything. I ask the dream to show me something important to see, and I'm suddenly in a gym that reminds me of the 80's, with women in 80's workout gear doing aerobics. I'm wondering why the heck am I here? Then I see a group of friends who are looking at me like they are angry and annoyed. It seems that I've disappeared on them without an explanation and they aren't happy about it. I ask if I've done this before and they say yes, apparently that is why they are so irritated with me.

---non-lucid - I am walking and see a former friend walking past me to my right. She doesn't even seem to see me. I unexpectedly screamed, "F*** you, Jenni!". She turned and looked at me, and I fell on the ground and started fumbling between apologizing and not, feeling terrible, saying how I was really hurt by the way our friendship turned out and it wouldn't happen again.

Then I begin walking and walking and walking in the dark, through mountains. Somewhere along the way there are Boy Scouts that I consider asking for a ride. More walking and walking, somewhere along the way I lost my shoes and was concerned about my feet being torn to shreds. I walked into a house and found some shoes "that my mom gave me" that didn't quite fit so I wasn't sure if I should wear them and if I did were there any socks around.
I also remember being on the side of a mountain watching eagles fly over in the dark, and they had amazing luminescent wings.

Then I finally woke up.

Bed @ 10:15pm
Wake @ 5am
Bed @ 6:30am
Wake @ 8:50 am

(before wbtb)
400mcg Huperzine-a
4mg Nicotine gum
2 tabs Theanine Serene
1 Natra Sleep

When I woke up the first time I realized waking up so late was a mistake, but it was worth a try, and I'm surprised I had the success I did. It just took so loooong to get back to sleep, hence the extra supps to get to sleep.

I don't remember the first part when I first became aware, just that there were a lot of people around and I realized it was a waste of my dream time so I flew out through the ceiling. My intended task was to dialog w/my inner self about the pattern/habit of punishing and abusing myself for perceived mistakes, for being in pain, for being weak, etc. I was flew through the ceiling, asked the dream, "hey, dream, what's beyond this dream?" and
next I was in room with my dad. My dad was lying on a mattress on the floor to my left, head away from me. He seemed young, and we were talking really comfortably, with an affinity that I usually don't feel IWL (due to an abusive past). It seemed to me that he and I were "on assignment", and I was trying to wake him up to help him remember his true self. I felt so tender and loving toward him, it was a little awkward in the dream. I said something to him, and he said something like he was remembering, it was coming back to him.

He then held up his right hand and a green light was blinking from inside his wrist.."There's a transmitter" he said. I looked at his left hand, and saw a digital "10:44" shining through his wrist. I lifted his hand, surprised, and remarked on it, there was some kind of device under his hand that now showed a different time. (In the dream, it wasn't a clock or a watch.). Then I moved up by his head, and he turned on his right side and I asked myself, "What does he need?" and then I held him very tenderly. That also felt kind of weird to me, to be so close and so tender toward my father, but I knew I was dreaming and went with it.

There were some non-lucid snippets of being in a room lying on air mattresses with my ex, "T". I was unconsciously moving toward him to have sex with him and some other part of me kept reining myself in, saying "noo nooooo nooo, that's not what I want, remember? I don't want to have sex with him."

I became lucid again and flew again through the ceiling, and said, "Hey, dream, I want you to take me to a beautiful healing temple where I can be alone in a room and collect my thoughts." I began moving at warp speed through a light tunnel, I heard a chorus of beautiful voices that sounded like angels and I felt ecstatic and a little uneasy because I heard the voices singing, "Righteous.....righteous....righteous....righteous ....". It was beautiful and not like a taunt, it still made me wonder, though. I emerged in a plain beige room (yah, thanks so much subconscious) with a nerdy-looking older man wearing a beige suit, glasses, with brown hair and a brown beard.

His back was to me at first, I approached him and asked him, "What do you know about "righteous"?", thinking, my subC dumped me there so he could help. He said, "I can't say I "know" anything about it..."
Me: "Okay, what can you tell me about it?"
Him: "Well, it's complicated. It's a paradox."
I hear someone approaching, and he gives me a look like I better get out of there. I'm thinking, it's a dream, maybe I should face this...but the guy is directing me with his eyes to get out so I left.
There was a gap, next thing I know, I was kneeling by a window on the floor (like one of those basement windows, only it was inside) and a woman in a blue "prison" shirt with dark hair is trying to pull me in where she is, and a long line of women behind here are all holding each other like a conga line, all trying to pull me in together.
I'm pulling back, holding my own, and asking, "WHAT DO YOU NEEEEED????"
I don't remember if she said anything, I was a little frantic, and I said, "I send every one of you one hundred pieces of love..." (totally ganked from Robert Waggoner, lol).
They were still pulling on me, and I yelled out, "God give these women what they need!"

Not sure of the sequence of this part - I walked into a room, and had some big some kind of being stuck to my back. I thought of "monkey on my back", and also think I noticed there was a small hand and also thought it might be related to an experience from the past I'm not quite over yet. As soon as I walked into the room, I saw something that looked like a metallic red hair dryer (come to think of it, it would be more in function like a creme brulee torch) and I walked over to it, pressed the top that I knew would make a flame come out, and turned my back on it so the thing on my back would catch the heat from it. (I guess I was thinking it was like a tick...if you put a flame close to a tick it will detach itself and crawl away). I think it did come off but I'm not sure.

The scene changed, I was flying again, and I said, in a voice that surprised me by how lyrical and strong and confident I sounded, "I want to experience being FREE!". Suddenly I was immersed in and swimming through ocean water that was deep blue and so beautiful. I was somehow in a building that reminded me of a church because it had dark wood frames and stained glass, yet I was still in the water. The building shrank and got smaller, while I was still in water, until I felt as if I were in a coffin. I felt slightly claustrophobic, and reached for a wall, wondering if I should try to break out, or try to wake up.

I reasoned that, I'm dreaming, I can breathe in the water, and I'm not going to die, so let's just see what happens.
I noticed the texture of the 'coffin' changing, to leathery, and a crack appearing above me. I thought "reptilian egg', and saw black filigree spine plates like a stegosaurus pass by the crack, and heard a roar. I was frightened at first, then wondered if I was one of them, if I was a dinosaur about to hatch, in which case I was one of them and belonged and it would be ok to hatch. I pecked at another part of the 'egg', and saw a hand reach through to pull a chunk off.

I thought, "oh, wow, I'm getting help!"
More pieces came off, and I found myself face to face with a muppet, who reminded me of one of the "yip-yips", only he was bright red, and was wearing a viking helmet. He had great big plastic saucer eyes.

I was like, "wtf? a muppet? whut tha wha?" and struggled to stay in the dream, but woke up. I was too awake to get back into it.