Kumara

Bed @ 2am
Wake @ 7:45am

200mcg Huperzine-a
4mg nicotine gum

Dream 1 -
I was in a room that looked like a dressing room, rustic-style, wood. I walked out and approached a full length mirror.
I saw my features shift and blur and I knew that I was dreaming (for a moment).
I thought or said, "I want to see how beautiful I *really* am."
My hair was dark and thick and straight and started to stand on end, it freaked me out a little and then I turned and walked into another space. It was like a saloon, I may have walked through swinging doors. The room was full of men playing pool. All of them looked at me as I entered, and they seemed to all be looking at me with hostility.

I felt a little unnerved, and tried not to show it and to appear confident. I passed a pool table where two men were playing a game of pool, all of the balls were 8-balls, there were a lot of them, more than a usual game, and some of them were sitting perched on plastic cups, my impression was they were filled with jack and coke and maybe water.

I picked up one of the 8-balls, and walked outside. I saw an area to the left and thought that I could go there if I imagined a bridge. I rolled the 8-ball on the ground like a bowling ball, flew up in the air, and asked, "what's beyond this dream?" and woke up.

**I wrote in my scribbles "Who are you really?" and I vaguely remember asking that in the dream

Dream 2 - At a place that was related to work in some way. I was sitting on a wooden porch, and there was a trapdoor that I had put a lot of stuff in. Colorful blankets, a clear plastic box of stuff. I pulled it all out and tried to put it back in neatly, and realized it wouldn't all fit back in. It all fit before because I had just tossed it in carelessly, and now that I was trying to organize it, there wasn't enough room.
I dug through the stuff in the plastic box, and there were two items that are hard to explain.
They were silver nickels, but they had silver tabs attached to them, it was like the tabs had to be removed before the nickels were valid. I pulled one off, and noticed the weight and the design of it, then pulled the other one and noticed that the design of it had changed and was now more scroll-like, more delicate, and the weight of it had changed to thinner and lighter.

I tucked a blanket in around the top of the stack, and chose the plastic box to take out while I closed the trap door. I was explaining all of this to someone standing to my right, possibly C.

Fragments - in a room with Teri, images or thoughts of a room full of women, of goddesses.
An image of staring at a drawing hanging on a wall of St. Christopher. It was sepia-toned.
Teri was sitting on the floor in front of me and I sat behind her and pressed myself against her, cuddling her from behind.
In a room talking to two guys, a contemporary couch like an Ikea couch, a scenic view from the apartment.
Talking to a couple of people in a modern kitchen, leaning over the bar facing them (they are in the kitchen). There are a couple of coinpurses on the counter and I look through each one to see what's inside.
I feel a little self-conscious, and explain that I just like to look through the change.
Something about noticing that all of the people in the room or in my life or something all had been abandoned or had abandoment issues.

I woke up from this dream about 30 minutes ago.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 11:30pm
200mcg huperzine-a before bed

Some context: I just moved into an apartment that I got at a significant discount because someone died in it 7 mos. ago. Nothing too strange has happened, once the lights in the living room were turned on when I went in, and yesterday a rolled up black piece of fabric from I don't know what the heck was lying on the bathroom floor, that hadn't been there just a few moments before.

Also, just before bed I did a meditation on healing past relationships, something I thought of earlier as "giving up the ghost" because really with one guy I was in love with the ghost of who he seemed to be early on, but ultimately not who he really is.

So. I also had some pain in the left side of my belly, happens sometimes when gas gets trapped, I could feel the pain in my sleep. I tossed and turned and began dreaming in kind of a twilight state. I dreamed that a "ghost", an invisible being, was pressing on my belly. I was powerless and couldn't fight it off, it was annoying and painful and I couldn't do anything about it. I finally managed to turn over and the ghost started pressing me on the other side, and kind of batting me. I couldn't move, I couldn't swat at it, and it was annoying like a fly, in the way it was pressing on me and wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to yell at it, and had no voice.

This went on for a while, until I managed to stand up and open a door and walk out. Up to that point, the scene was just like my room IWL, but the door in the dream was to the left of where my bedroom window is IWL, and there was a frame of a screen door. The ghost tried to keep me from opening the door, I went in and out of feeling powerless and paralyzed, and finally opened the door and stepped outside.

I could feel the wind catch the ghost and it began to dissolve and float away with the wind. It tried to get back into the apartment and close the door, but I held the door firm and felt more of it that had been wrapped around me fall away and dissolve. I think my voice returned then, too. Then I woke up.

After I woke up, I got up and moved around. My stomach still hurt, so I put some hot water on the stove to make some ginger tea, then decided as a symbolic act of acting out my dream I would open my front door and step outside...I stepped outside for a few moments, then came back in and heard a loud POP! and the sound of breaking glass....I had turned the wrong burner on and exploded a pyrex dish left on the stove. It felt like a release of energy, related to releasing the ghost or something. And now there is glass all over my stove and floor because I don't have a broom yet

Fragment 1 - I was snuggling up to C, he was lying back on the arm of a couch and I leaned forward and let him put my arms around him. I was reassuring him all I wanted was cuddling, I wasn't trying to make a sexual advance. It felt nice to get close to him, and I was still a little nervous.

Fragment 2 - I was redecorating a coffee shop (?) and was with friends hanging long strands of beautiful large jewels on the wall like garland. I rearranged them so that the colors were more harmonious and spread out and there was more green prominent. I noticed a place on the wall where the strands covered a white sheet of paper that was stuck on a corkboard on the wall. It may have been a yoga class schedule, and I stuck a clear thumbtack through it and said, "the yoga has to GO." I moved over to a woman sitting in a booth in the shop, who seemed a little surprised and I think she was the one who designed the sheet and she said, "but I haven't even saved that one yet", as though me changing it somehow deleted the design from her computer.