lucid

Bed @ 2am
Wake @ 7:45am

200mcg Huperzine-a
4mg nicotine gum

Dream 1 -
I was in a room that looked like a dressing room, rustic-style, wood. I walked out and approached a full length mirror.
I saw my features shift and blur and I knew that I was dreaming (for a moment).
I thought or said, "I want to see how beautiful I *really* am."
My hair was dark and thick and straight and started to stand on end, it freaked me out a little and then I turned and walked into another space. It was like a saloon, I may have walked through swinging doors. The room was full of men playing pool. All of them looked at me as I entered, and they seemed to all be looking at me with hostility.

I felt a little unnerved, and tried not to show it and to appear confident. I passed a pool table where two men were playing a game of pool, all of the balls were 8-balls, there were a lot of them, more than a usual game, and some of them were sitting perched on plastic cups, my impression was they were filled with jack and coke and maybe water.

I picked up one of the 8-balls, and walked outside. I saw an area to the left and thought that I could go there if I imagined a bridge. I rolled the 8-ball on the ground like a bowling ball, flew up in the air, and asked, "what's beyond this dream?" and woke up.

**I wrote in my scribbles "Who are you really?" and I vaguely remember asking that in the dream

Dream 2 - At a place that was related to work in some way. I was sitting on a wooden porch, and there was a trapdoor that I had put a lot of stuff in. Colorful blankets, a clear plastic box of stuff. I pulled it all out and tried to put it back in neatly, and realized it wouldn't all fit back in. It all fit before because I had just tossed it in carelessly, and now that I was trying to organize it, there wasn't enough room.
I dug through the stuff in the plastic box, and there were two items that are hard to explain.
They were silver nickels, but they had silver tabs attached to them, it was like the tabs had to be removed before the nickels were valid. I pulled one off, and noticed the weight and the design of it, then pulled the other one and noticed that the design of it had changed and was now more scroll-like, more delicate, and the weight of it had changed to thinner and lighter.

I tucked a blanket in around the top of the stack, and chose the plastic box to take out while I closed the trap door. I was explaining all of this to someone standing to my right, possibly C.

Fragments - in a room with Teri, images or thoughts of a room full of women, of goddesses.
An image of staring at a drawing hanging on a wall of St. Christopher. It was sepia-toned.
Teri was sitting on the floor in front of me and I sat behind her and pressed myself against her, cuddling her from behind.
In a room talking to two guys, a contemporary couch like an Ikea couch, a scenic view from the apartment.
Talking to a couple of people in a modern kitchen, leaning over the bar facing them (they are in the kitchen). There are a couple of coinpurses on the counter and I look through each one to see what's inside.
I feel a little self-conscious, and explain that I just like to look through the change.
Something about noticing that all of the people in the room or in my life or something all had been abandoned or had abandoment issues.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 2:45 am
Bed @ 3:30am
Wake @ 9am

Before bed: 2 caps Theanine Serene

Non lucid: I was walking up a path toward an ornate pavilion, where two lines of women sat facing each other. The ones facing me were dressed in "Tibetan monk" robes but they were different from IWL, more Thai style. The path changed as I got closer and became covered in pink lotuses. I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk on them, and I noticed that the women on my side were taking communion, and I hesitated and sat on a round circle of white cloth on the ground which was prickly, because I wasn't of their religion so I didn't think I should participate in the communion.

In front of me, a priestess/monk woman was talking to my friend Ceanna, and told her that she had something different for her, and from behind her stuck a tissue in her mouth. Ceanna whooped and danced around and seemed to enjoy whatever it was she received.

Then I was closer in, sitting with the women. They were passing around what looked like a wedge-heel shoe. The woman to my left said, "When they pass the pig around you should ask for the money. They give it out to people, you should tell them you're a good person and (you'll do good with it?)."

The shoe came my way and I passed it along and said something that I don't remember, I remember that it felt false and like I was repeating what I heard them say and it didn't really make sense. (Obvious reflection of longtime issues of not fitting in or not belonging.)

Woke at 2:45 am (planned to wake at 3:30 but earlier dream woke me up so I took supps and went back to bed).
8mg galantamine
500mg choline
2mg melatonin

Okay....here goes....

Non-lucid - I was holding a small child, in the dream she was my sister K. We were talking and enjoying each other's company. I saw that her 3rd eye was open, it was sort of blipping in and out of sight. I told her that I noticed it was open, and as I observed a whole row of eyes opened across her forehead, very beautiful and sparkling. Someone came in to take her, and commented on how happy she was and how well she was doing. I was really sad and upset that they were taking her and pleaded for them to let her stay with me since she was doing so well.

gaps after that, just an image of another baby who may have been evil, who insisted on vomiting on me and it was a big thick stream of something white like lard (with gold in it) and I was trying to avoid it and get it off of me

Woke up at 4:30, had forgotten to turn my normal morning alarm off, slowly back to sleep.

I decided to go ahead and sleep on my back and take a chance on SP.
At some point after that, I feel myself paralyzed and I roll with it, managing to take a deep breath and consciously transforming the feeling of fear to excitement as best I could. Then I begin rising up and up to the top of my room (looking back I might call it an OBE). I am feeling pulled by a force, still feeling paralyzed, I do my best to relax into it and not fight it or freak out too much. I am pulled or float to one side of the room, and bump the wall, I can still feel the feeling of the sheetrock brushing my skin.

I floated from there, across the room, bumping the ceiling fan, and bumping into the opposite wall.
I see a small round alien ship outside my bedroom window, and I realize it's playing the Close Encounters music. The ship looked like a miniature version of the Close Encounters ship, with the beautiful lights which are shining in through my blinds. (Even though I knew I was dreaming, the feeling of my body rising and hitting the wall and ceiling fan was so real, plus the music from the ship, I wondered whether my neighbors could hear...)
I finally start to have a little bit of a grip on the dream, and I hid in the bathroom. I didn't want the aliens to get me!

Ok ok I'm a little more coherent now and decide to go out to the ship, I'm dreaming, what's the harm? I step out of my bathroom and next thing I know I am on the ship, seemingly alone. I walk into a room and in the center of the room is a bench that looks to me made of pewter or silver, with filigree scrollwork. I wonder if that is where 'they' do their research, if they are going to try to do the anal probe (lol) there or what...

Oh, I catch a little more snap. This Isn't Real. So I began digging into a wall, and the wall gives way. I continue to dig through layers and layers of what looks like brain tissue, until I get to a pocket where there is a large green grub nestled. I pulled it out and tried to squish it. It tried to attach itself to me so I ran a few frequencies through it to try to fry it or change it. Finally I asked, "how could this thing be dead?" waiting to see what happened. I think it then changed into a black circle that tried to go back into the tissue and I chased it down firing frequencies at it until I think it fell out and off into space (I hope!).

---Next scenes, I'm not sure of the sequences ---
---I am in a tent with a guy who wants to kiss me. I'm not lucid, and not very conscious so I push him off and notice in profile that he's not very attractive to me. I asked him who he was and he said something like he was one of a bunch of pixies that would go through the portals between worlds and visit. He looked at me face-on, and I think he had only one eye on the left, and on his right was a row of flashing LED's across the browline.

---lucid - I am on an planet that I identify as Mars, because it is so dark and hot and murky. I notice a big pool of dark fluid that seems hot, and I decide to dip in it because I know I am dreaming. It didn't really feel like anything. I ask the dream to show me something important to see, and I'm suddenly in a gym that reminds me of the 80's, with women in 80's workout gear doing aerobics. I'm wondering why the heck am I here? Then I see a group of friends who are looking at me like they are angry and annoyed. It seems that I've disappeared on them without an explanation and they aren't happy about it. I ask if I've done this before and they say yes, apparently that is why they are so irritated with me.

---non-lucid - I am walking and see a former friend walking past me to my right. She doesn't even seem to see me. I unexpectedly screamed, "F*** you, Jenni!". She turned and looked at me, and I fell on the ground and started fumbling between apologizing and not, feeling terrible, saying how I was really hurt by the way our friendship turned out and it wouldn't happen again.

Then I begin walking and walking and walking in the dark, through mountains. Somewhere along the way there are Boy Scouts that I consider asking for a ride. More walking and walking, somewhere along the way I lost my shoes and was concerned about my feet being torn to shreds. I walked into a house and found some shoes "that my mom gave me" that didn't quite fit so I wasn't sure if I should wear them and if I did were there any socks around.
I also remember being on the side of a mountain watching eagles fly over in the dark, and they had amazing luminescent wings.

Then I finally woke up.

Bed @ 10:15pm
Wake @ 5am
Bed @ 6:30am
Wake @ 8:50 am

(before wbtb)
400mcg Huperzine-a
4mg Nicotine gum
2 tabs Theanine Serene
1 Natra Sleep

When I woke up the first time I realized waking up so late was a mistake, but it was worth a try, and I'm surprised I had the success I did. It just took so loooong to get back to sleep, hence the extra supps to get to sleep.

I don't remember the first part when I first became aware, just that there were a lot of people around and I realized it was a waste of my dream time so I flew out through the ceiling. My intended task was to dialog w/my inner self about the pattern/habit of punishing and abusing myself for perceived mistakes, for being in pain, for being weak, etc. I was flew through the ceiling, asked the dream, "hey, dream, what's beyond this dream?" and
next I was in room with my dad. My dad was lying on a mattress on the floor to my left, head away from me. He seemed young, and we were talking really comfortably, with an affinity that I usually don't feel IWL (due to an abusive past). It seemed to me that he and I were "on assignment", and I was trying to wake him up to help him remember his true self. I felt so tender and loving toward him, it was a little awkward in the dream. I said something to him, and he said something like he was remembering, it was coming back to him.

He then held up his right hand and a green light was blinking from inside his wrist.."There's a transmitter" he said. I looked at his left hand, and saw a digital "10:44" shining through his wrist. I lifted his hand, surprised, and remarked on it, there was some kind of device under his hand that now showed a different time. (In the dream, it wasn't a clock or a watch.). Then I moved up by his head, and he turned on his right side and I asked myself, "What does he need?" and then I held him very tenderly. That also felt kind of weird to me, to be so close and so tender toward my father, but I knew I was dreaming and went with it.

There were some non-lucid snippets of being in a room lying on air mattresses with my ex, "T". I was unconsciously moving toward him to have sex with him and some other part of me kept reining myself in, saying "noo nooooo nooo, that's not what I want, remember? I don't want to have sex with him."

I became lucid again and flew again through the ceiling, and said, "Hey, dream, I want you to take me to a beautiful healing temple where I can be alone in a room and collect my thoughts." I began moving at warp speed through a light tunnel, I heard a chorus of beautiful voices that sounded like angels and I felt ecstatic and a little uneasy because I heard the voices singing, "Righteous.....righteous....righteous....righteous ....". It was beautiful and not like a taunt, it still made me wonder, though. I emerged in a plain beige room (yah, thanks so much subconscious) with a nerdy-looking older man wearing a beige suit, glasses, with brown hair and a brown beard.

His back was to me at first, I approached him and asked him, "What do you know about "righteous"?", thinking, my subC dumped me there so he could help. He said, "I can't say I "know" anything about it..."
Me: "Okay, what can you tell me about it?"
Him: "Well, it's complicated. It's a paradox."
I hear someone approaching, and he gives me a look like I better get out of there. I'm thinking, it's a dream, maybe I should face this...but the guy is directing me with his eyes to get out so I left.
There was a gap, next thing I know, I was kneeling by a window on the floor (like one of those basement windows, only it was inside) and a woman in a blue "prison" shirt with dark hair is trying to pull me in where she is, and a long line of women behind here are all holding each other like a conga line, all trying to pull me in together.
I'm pulling back, holding my own, and asking, "WHAT DO YOU NEEEEED????"
I don't remember if she said anything, I was a little frantic, and I said, "I send every one of you one hundred pieces of love..." (totally ganked from Robert Waggoner, lol).
They were still pulling on me, and I yelled out, "God give these women what they need!"

Not sure of the sequence of this part - I walked into a room, and had some big some kind of being stuck to my back. I thought of "monkey on my back", and also think I noticed there was a small hand and also thought it might be related to an experience from the past I'm not quite over yet. As soon as I walked into the room, I saw something that looked like a metallic red hair dryer (come to think of it, it would be more in function like a creme brulee torch) and I walked over to it, pressed the top that I knew would make a flame come out, and turned my back on it so the thing on my back would catch the heat from it. (I guess I was thinking it was like a tick...if you put a flame close to a tick it will detach itself and crawl away). I think it did come off but I'm not sure.

The scene changed, I was flying again, and I said, in a voice that surprised me by how lyrical and strong and confident I sounded, "I want to experience being FREE!". Suddenly I was immersed in and swimming through ocean water that was deep blue and so beautiful. I was somehow in a building that reminded me of a church because it had dark wood frames and stained glass, yet I was still in the water. The building shrank and got smaller, while I was still in water, until I felt as if I were in a coffin. I felt slightly claustrophobic, and reached for a wall, wondering if I should try to break out, or try to wake up.

I reasoned that, I'm dreaming, I can breathe in the water, and I'm not going to die, so let's just see what happens.
I noticed the texture of the 'coffin' changing, to leathery, and a crack appearing above me. I thought "reptilian egg', and saw black filigree spine plates like a stegosaurus pass by the crack, and heard a roar. I was frightened at first, then wondered if I was one of them, if I was a dinosaur about to hatch, in which case I was one of them and belonged and it would be ok to hatch. I pecked at another part of the 'egg', and saw a hand reach through to pull a chunk off.

I thought, "oh, wow, I'm getting help!"
More pieces came off, and I found myself face to face with a muppet, who reminded me of one of the "yip-yips", only he was bright red, and was wearing a viking helmet. He had great big plastic saucer eyes.

I was like, "wtf? a muppet? whut tha wha?" and struggled to stay in the dream, but woke up. I was too awake to get back into it.

WBTB
wake @ 4am
sleep @ 5:30(ish)
200mcg huperzine-a
8mg nicotine gum

I enter the dream knowing I am dreaming...
I have a task in mind, and also open myself to what the dreams wants to show me first.
I fly through a dimly light park at night. There are trees, and I want to fly to a tree and nestle in it. I approach a tree and fly up into the branches, it has no leaves, I realize it is rotting. There is a huge trunk-like branch falling off, and I see that wherever there are big branches, they are falling off because of letter-sized sheets of paper embedded in the trunk, keeping the branch from attaching properly to the trunk. I land on the large "trunk" and it sways and I stay as light as possible so it doesn't break off**. I pull out the sheet of paper and read it, it's fairly clear but I don't remember exactly what it says just that I understand it is a criminal rap sheet. I think, "but this isn't ME!" and I'm wondering about it, when a group of cops show up with flashlights and flashing lights.

I panicked for a moment and started to fly away, then flew down and faced them directly, choosing an open, friendly attitude and emotional tone. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, I explained myself, and they responded in a manner of, "oh, ok, no problem" and left. As they left, I was pressed in from all sides by a multitude of people. I noticed an impulse to fight them, but I let myself feel it and acknowledge it without acting on it while I sorted through appropriate responses and settled on projecting a solid field of light pink love.

Almost immediately they all dispersed and (I might have this mixed up with another part of the dream sequence) I notice one really big guy. I jumped on him and hugged him, really pleased to see him. I kissed him, thinking, "integration".

I flew back to the tree, and wrapped myself around a branch and hugged it.
There is more in between I do not remember.

I find myself standing in a dimly lit room, watching a man sitting next to a teenager who is lying on a couch. They are dark-skinned. The boy is ill and feeling bad, and the man is striking the boy with small, precise BAPS that spark in the dark. He is berated the boy for feeling bad. I didn't really want to be in on this scene, and I ask the dream, "Am I really needed here?"
"Yes" is the answer.
Ok. So I say to the man, "I notice that you are sitting there hurting him and then wondering why he feels bad and getting mad at him about it!" The scene then shifts, and the boy is lying in twin-sized bed next to me on my right, I am on his left side. The sheet over him is cream-colored, pulled up nearly to his chin, the head/footboard are a simple wood fram, similar to mission-style. The boy has now changed to someone more feminine.

I lay my hands on her belly, left of center, and run Frequency 17. She groans a little. Then I move further down her belly, it might have been the womb area, and I say to her, "This is where all of your ancestral money stuff is..." and run Frequency 27 into it. I move slightly as she groans and vomits into a bin on the side of the bed (that is a pale mustard color and looks like those ikea shoe bins that hang on the wall with 3 drawers). I had opened the bottom bin for her...she spewed and filled it up, I pulled the bin out and moved it away, then tried to make another one appear but couldn't so I opened the second one for her, anticipating more spewage. There may have been just a bit more.

I turned to face her, and she was a beautiful woman with broad features that seemed somewhat asian, she looked a lot like my friend Stepha, and her skin was light golden brown and covered with freckles. She had warm brown eyes and a kind, gentle smile. I suddenly wanted to kiss her and have sex with her, we may have kissed (if we did anything else I don't remember).

Another snippet of being in a restaurant that reminded me of a country diner. I decided to fly out through the ceiling and the first time I tried I bounced against the ceiling and fell back to the floor. I laughed and was a little embarrassed and other people saw it. I checked...ok I *did* just fly so I am dreaming...and tried again, this time a little slower and it was like flying through gel. I flew through several layers and I wondered whether I would ever find open space then I flew through one last layer that was like the dome of "the capitol building" and silver, and wa-la, open air.

I flew along and landed in garden that I thought of as "English". Three people approached me, the one in the middle had something that looked like my shower backscrubber that he started to poke me with. I gave him some very firm yet kind command NOT to do that, and the guy to my left reacted very surprised and said, "You are quite the diplomat!". We talked about I don't know what and I flew on.

Without deciding to, I found myself zooming along in outerspace, going faster and faster, realizing how easy and effortless it was and how it was further and faster than "anyone's" been before. A space shuttle flew up beside me so I paused and it stopped and several astronauts disembarked and they all streamed around me. I didn't want to let them get too close, I think they wanted to catch me so I stayed just out of their reach (they all were tethered by air lines to the shuttle.) I don't remember what happened after that, I'm pretty sure it wasn't the end of the dream...I hope I flew on!

There was more, but in the dream I decided that it was really more important to stay in and do the healing and integration stuff I was doing rather than try to wake up to remember it.

***The dream tree to me represents a family tree - and I felt like this dream was showing me that ancestral criminal acts were somehow affecting the tree and disintegrating it. I am adopted, and have had a lifelong terror of "going to jail", even though that isn't something that I was raised with or threatened with, and my bio sister has a criminal history. So, I think I'm going to check in on the tree later, maybe it was enough to just be aware and know the person in the rap sheet wasn't me.

galantamine 8g
choline 500mg
melatonin 1mg

wake @ 3:30am
sleep @ 6:00am
wake @ 7:45 am

Astarius and the Whiny Vampire-thing

-I was lucid, in a bedroom by myself. I was trying to stabilize in the dream, and it was really dim. I was rubbing myself all over and saying, "I am lucid, the world is vivid" over and over. I got out of bed, and saw a small black creature on a long chain, on the bed. It looked like my sister's small dog, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted to let it go, but I didn't know what it was so I kept trying to get the lights on, saying, "lights on" and "I have the vision of the eagle" over and over, and finally tried to use the light switch, which didn't work. (Note to self: try "vision of the owl" or "night vision" in the future)

- I was becoming lucid, and realizing I was surrounded by a crowd of shadows pressing in on me. I stood up to one guy, and was asking him, "what do you represent? what do you want? do you have a gift for me?" I backed him against a wall, turns out he didn't have a gift for me so I pulled a ruby out of my heart and gave it to him. We were kind of at a standstill, and I asked, "God, what do I do with this person?". A ceramic mask appeared over the guys eyes, we both felt relieved, he said "thank you". I walked to the front of the house and came to a window. I carefully pressed on the window and it maybe cracked slightly but I dove through it pretty easily and flew out.

-Lucid - I was flying around and asked the dream to "show me something important". I was transported to a room where a (guy?) with a slight build was lying in fetal position on the floor, facing me, dressed in black. He started to tell me some kind of story about helplessness, and he bared his teeth which looked like vampire teeth...he started to tell me about how he "had" to be a vampire, he had no choice, some really whiny poor-me story. Then he bit my index finger on my right hand and latched on. I tried to shake him off by slamming him against the floor and the wall...and then I called out, "ASTARIUS!" The wall in front of me opened up and Astarius appeared and with his usual amazingly bright smile and attitude, said, "YES!" I held my hand out to him with the thing stuck to it which was becoming mush by that time and I was realizing it was not as it seemed...and asked him, 'what do I do with THIS?" and he pulled out a tissue and said, "let me help you with that, it's just a little sumpin' sumpin'. I expressed gratitude and appreciation for him and told him I'd let him get back to bed (he was dressed similar to the way he always dresses, except it looked like he was in jammies pattern).

Still lucid - Flying on - I tried to fly up into the black night sky. I couldn't get very far so I called an angel for help, as usual an angel never came so I just started wondering if some part of me would help me. A guy who looked a lot like Taylor zoomed alongside me and helped me fly and I asked him what he represented. He said something like "your bioelectric system" or something. He had a blue rubber headgear that looked like a superhero costume. He told me that "it is IMPERATIVE that you continue to take physical action", which I agreed, I understood it to be connected to something I thought of for solstice, as well as being kind of lazy about sitting back and waiting for the universe to hand me things. We flew to an ice rink where people were ice skating, and I remembered I had ice skated before and liked it and didn't suck too bad.

Flying around somewhere else later - I arrived at a building that had an opening to the right and spiral steps carved into the building going in and down, a purple light was glowing from the center. I thought of it as "Astarius's place". I tried to get in through the stairs, but they did an Alice in Wonderland on me and changed and got smaller and smaller or I got bigger, and couldn't fit. So I tried to get in through another entrance, the wall opened up to reveal something that looked like a desk, and there were boxes of pens in UV pastels all laid out. I was trying to dive in through without messing up the order, and tried to dive in but it was a little solid and so I tried moving everything out of the way telekinetically and stacking it all to the side and diving it, for some reason I don't think I made it in.