non-lucid

10/04/2011 Tuesday morning

Back door trouble. Again. And cats. Again.

I totally invite feedback on this dream, as I've had a series of locked door/cats/black people dreams for the past few weeks and am open to a more expansive perspective...

I was in my (dream) home/apartment with 2 black women. There is a knock at the back door (which is in my bedroom), or someone is trying to get in. I don’t want to go to the door (fear), so one or both of the women go to the door to see who is there.

After a pause, I follow them into the room…someone wants in and it seems like bad trouble. I notice that the deadbolt isn’t locked, so I turn the bolt carefully so whoever is outside doesn’t notice or hear, hoping that I’m doing it right and not accidentally UNlocking it. It sounds like a black man or men on the other side. Another lock appears above the first deadbolt and I locked it, too.

They leave – and I’m not sure of the sequence here –
I have a conversation with someone who tells me not to worry too much about those guys, that someone else used to live here and that’s who they were looking for. They were expecting food is all. I thought, “is food all they want? I have that! I can feed them.” And thought of how I like to show care for people by cooking for them.

But that seems out of synch with another snippet –
After ‘they’ left, I walked out the back door, and there was another room, like a sun room, that I didn’t realize was there. There was a big blue door, with a big glass pane, antique-looking (reminds me of Sesame Street door). That door had a big lock on it, and after talking to one or both of the black women that was with me, determined that one of them had left it unlocked.

I looked around the ‘sun room’ (not exactly right…maybe a sitting room?) and noticed the charred remains of a dog’s head, and ribcage. I was thinking, these people are not fucking around. It was a warning from them, that my dog (a boxer, who I suddenly “remembered” I had) would share a similar fate if he tried to protect me. I imagined the horror of my dog being skinned and burned and felt bad.

Skip to – my sister A is jumping on a trampoline in the sun/sitting room, to my left. Both of my sisters are over – K is maybe in another room adjacent to the sun/sitting room that appears in a way that isn’t really 3D.
To my right is the blue door with the big glass pane. Sitting outside on the doorstep are many cats, sitting quietly all facing me intently. Directly in front of me is a cat that I identify as an ocelot, sitting on it’s haunches. It looks similar to only it’s fur is longer and tufted around it’s face. My mother says, “that one in the back, with the big head (body?), that’s known as the Pheonix Ob___”. I see one over to the right that is bigger and rounder, has something weird going on with it’s head, it’s more surreal than the ocelot, maybe more cartoonish.

Somewhere also in the dream, I realize that people are getting in and out of that back room through a flap cut into a plastic/vinyl window. I make a mental note to ask the landlord to replace it with glass.

Bed @ 2am
Wake @ 7:45am

200mcg Huperzine-a
4mg nicotine gum

Dream 1 -
I was in a room that looked like a dressing room, rustic-style, wood. I walked out and approached a full length mirror.
I saw my features shift and blur and I knew that I was dreaming (for a moment).
I thought or said, "I want to see how beautiful I *really* am."
My hair was dark and thick and straight and started to stand on end, it freaked me out a little and then I turned and walked into another space. It was like a saloon, I may have walked through swinging doors. The room was full of men playing pool. All of them looked at me as I entered, and they seemed to all be looking at me with hostility.

I felt a little unnerved, and tried not to show it and to appear confident. I passed a pool table where two men were playing a game of pool, all of the balls were 8-balls, there were a lot of them, more than a usual game, and some of them were sitting perched on plastic cups, my impression was they were filled with jack and coke and maybe water.

I picked up one of the 8-balls, and walked outside. I saw an area to the left and thought that I could go there if I imagined a bridge. I rolled the 8-ball on the ground like a bowling ball, flew up in the air, and asked, "what's beyond this dream?" and woke up.

**I wrote in my scribbles "Who are you really?" and I vaguely remember asking that in the dream

Dream 2 - At a place that was related to work in some way. I was sitting on a wooden porch, and there was a trapdoor that I had put a lot of stuff in. Colorful blankets, a clear plastic box of stuff. I pulled it all out and tried to put it back in neatly, and realized it wouldn't all fit back in. It all fit before because I had just tossed it in carelessly, and now that I was trying to organize it, there wasn't enough room.
I dug through the stuff in the plastic box, and there were two items that are hard to explain.
They were silver nickels, but they had silver tabs attached to them, it was like the tabs had to be removed before the nickels were valid. I pulled one off, and noticed the weight and the design of it, then pulled the other one and noticed that the design of it had changed and was now more scroll-like, more delicate, and the weight of it had changed to thinner and lighter.

I tucked a blanket in around the top of the stack, and chose the plastic box to take out while I closed the trap door. I was explaining all of this to someone standing to my right, possibly C.

Fragments - in a room with Teri, images or thoughts of a room full of women, of goddesses.
An image of staring at a drawing hanging on a wall of St. Christopher. It was sepia-toned.
Teri was sitting on the floor in front of me and I sat behind her and pressed myself against her, cuddling her from behind.
In a room talking to two guys, a contemporary couch like an Ikea couch, a scenic view from the apartment.
Talking to a couple of people in a modern kitchen, leaning over the bar facing them (they are in the kitchen). There are a couple of coinpurses on the counter and I look through each one to see what's inside.
I feel a little self-conscious, and explain that I just like to look through the change.
Something about noticing that all of the people in the room or in my life or something all had been abandoned or had abandoment issues.

Fragment 1 - I was snuggling up to C, he was lying back on the arm of a couch and I leaned forward and let him put my arms around him. I was reassuring him all I wanted was cuddling, I wasn't trying to make a sexual advance. It felt nice to get close to him, and I was still a little nervous.

Fragment 2 - I was redecorating a coffee shop (?) and was with friends hanging long strands of beautiful large jewels on the wall like garland. I rearranged them so that the colors were more harmonious and spread out and there was more green prominent. I noticed a place on the wall where the strands covered a white sheet of paper that was stuck on a corkboard on the wall. It may have been a yoga class schedule, and I stuck a clear thumbtack through it and said, "the yoga has to GO." I moved over to a woman sitting in a booth in the shop, who seemed a little surprised and I think she was the one who designed the sheet and she said, "but I haven't even saved that one yet", as though me changing it somehow deleted the design from her computer.

1st dream - I was riding in the back seat of a car with a young man, he was on the driver's side behind a man driving, who was a "Father" type man. We were riding to rehab or something like that.

waking dream - a snippet of a conversation with my son, I pulled him aside into a room, sat him down in front of me and asked him firmly, "What is it that you MEAN?" or "What is it that you WANT?" (not sure).

I was facing a girl with brown skin, wearing tribal clothing (middle eastern style). She flashed a few cards with various images on them in front of my face. The one that I remember was one of a large eye. I looked closer, thinking at first it was a photo of a whale's eye, then realizing it was an elephant's eye. It seemed meaningful to me at the time (I recently read a story that had elephants in it..).

I walked outside to go see the elephants - the first one I saw was HUGE, and deformed, something was weird with the trunk...and it was behind a fence made of what looked like railroad ties (horizontally placed between fenceposts).
Someone was next to me and we walked along the fence, and saw more and more ENORMOUS animals, which I understood to be dinosaurs.

I wondered how such a small fence could keep such huge creatures out, and I remarked to my companion that they were just so huge it was hard to believe they were real, but they were! Further along the fence I noticed a velociraptor approaching. I stepped under a white plastic awning that covered a section of the top tier of the fence. The velociraptor was exactly where I was, and I felt/saw/heard it hop up on top of the plastic thing I was under, and over the fence.

I thought I would be safest staying there, then thought better of it. I noticed now there was a crowd of people rushing back into the building I had just come out of, which now looked like a Church of Christ building I went to when I was a kid. Someone handed a baby to me and I don't remember what I did with it....

I made it in and went to the wall, where there was a line of elevators. An authority -type person (minister? pastor?) was trying to calm people down by giving a sermon on the ups and downs and tragedies of life, saying something like, "we ask ourselved, how COULD this happen?"

I was thinking...really we could be questioning our thoughts here...and I pushed a button that opened all of the elevators, and light poured into the room.

The crowd of people turned toward me and chastised me for bringing in the light, that it was going to attract the velociraptor. I felt bad, thinking, "Oh, I made another wrong decision, I keep making the wrong choices."

***Yesterday my purse was stolen from my car. I did (and am continuing to do) a lot of self-inquiry...I felt the feelings of fear really deeply...I questioned my thinking about the whole thing. I am practicing the model that THIS is a dream, is a hologram, and anything that really rattles me is a reflection of what I am attached to as being real, and identifying as a small self, separate from "God" or "Source".

I blessed the person who stole my purse, took responsibility for my part, acknowledged that *I* created the whole situation.

I did beat up on myself a bit for being stupid and leaving my purse in the car, and for suspending my phone service so quickly (I fantasized that maybe I could have caught the person if they used the phone...).

Before I went to sleep, I asked for a dream to show me what I could learn from the situation. My take on this dream, is that the dinosaurs that seem so huge and terrifying and real, are fears...that are NOT real. Also, dinosaurs represent the old, the ancient, the extinct. Not sure what is up with the deformed elephant and I'm open to suggestion.

The elevators reflect to me taking action that brings in the light, that other parts of me fear, because bringing in the light seems to attract those scary monsters. I second-guessed my actions last night, but the dream shows me that I made the right choice and that the pushback is just fear, and the fear is of something illusory and unreal.

2 Natra Sleep before bed

I remember having dreams about "soul" and "angels" through the night but couldn't remember them when I woke up during the night.

Upon waking:
I was a cashier at a tiny, old convenience store. There was an old black man standing next to me, watching the tools in my register multiply - the 'register' was a drawer with a kitchen utensil drawer inside of it (like the one I just bought) and the tools looked like kitchen tools, peeler, bottle opener). A guy came up and handed me a $5 bill, and I wondered if I had change because there was no money in it before.

I opened the drawer to give him change, and in the 2nd slot from the right there was a stack of cash, which surprised me, and I pulled out some $1's, and noticed a $20 in the middle, I thought the guy was trying to trick me into giving him the twenty.

The end.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 2:45 am
Bed @ 3:30am
Wake @ 9am

Before bed: 2 caps Theanine Serene

Non lucid: I was walking up a path toward an ornate pavilion, where two lines of women sat facing each other. The ones facing me were dressed in "Tibetan monk" robes but they were different from IWL, more Thai style. The path changed as I got closer and became covered in pink lotuses. I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk on them, and I noticed that the women on my side were taking communion, and I hesitated and sat on a round circle of white cloth on the ground which was prickly, because I wasn't of their religion so I didn't think I should participate in the communion.

In front of me, a priestess/monk woman was talking to my friend Ceanna, and told her that she had something different for her, and from behind her stuck a tissue in her mouth. Ceanna whooped and danced around and seemed to enjoy whatever it was she received.

Then I was closer in, sitting with the women. They were passing around what looked like a wedge-heel shoe. The woman to my left said, "When they pass the pig around you should ask for the money. They give it out to people, you should tell them you're a good person and (you'll do good with it?)."

The shoe came my way and I passed it along and said something that I don't remember, I remember that it felt false and like I was repeating what I heard them say and it didn't really make sense. (Obvious reflection of longtime issues of not fitting in or not belonging.)

Woke at 2:45 am (planned to wake at 3:30 but earlier dream woke me up so I took supps and went back to bed).
8mg galantamine
500mg choline
2mg melatonin

Okay....here goes....

Non-lucid - I was holding a small child, in the dream she was my sister K. We were talking and enjoying each other's company. I saw that her 3rd eye was open, it was sort of blipping in and out of sight. I told her that I noticed it was open, and as I observed a whole row of eyes opened across her forehead, very beautiful and sparkling. Someone came in to take her, and commented on how happy she was and how well she was doing. I was really sad and upset that they were taking her and pleaded for them to let her stay with me since she was doing so well.

gaps after that, just an image of another baby who may have been evil, who insisted on vomiting on me and it was a big thick stream of something white like lard (with gold in it) and I was trying to avoid it and get it off of me

Woke up at 4:30, had forgotten to turn my normal morning alarm off, slowly back to sleep.

I decided to go ahead and sleep on my back and take a chance on SP.
At some point after that, I feel myself paralyzed and I roll with it, managing to take a deep breath and consciously transforming the feeling of fear to excitement as best I could. Then I begin rising up and up to the top of my room (looking back I might call it an OBE). I am feeling pulled by a force, still feeling paralyzed, I do my best to relax into it and not fight it or freak out too much. I am pulled or float to one side of the room, and bump the wall, I can still feel the feeling of the sheetrock brushing my skin.

I floated from there, across the room, bumping the ceiling fan, and bumping into the opposite wall.
I see a small round alien ship outside my bedroom window, and I realize it's playing the Close Encounters music. The ship looked like a miniature version of the Close Encounters ship, with the beautiful lights which are shining in through my blinds. (Even though I knew I was dreaming, the feeling of my body rising and hitting the wall and ceiling fan was so real, plus the music from the ship, I wondered whether my neighbors could hear...)
I finally start to have a little bit of a grip on the dream, and I hid in the bathroom. I didn't want the aliens to get me!

Ok ok I'm a little more coherent now and decide to go out to the ship, I'm dreaming, what's the harm? I step out of my bathroom and next thing I know I am on the ship, seemingly alone. I walk into a room and in the center of the room is a bench that looks to me made of pewter or silver, with filigree scrollwork. I wonder if that is where 'they' do their research, if they are going to try to do the anal probe (lol) there or what...

Oh, I catch a little more snap. This Isn't Real. So I began digging into a wall, and the wall gives way. I continue to dig through layers and layers of what looks like brain tissue, until I get to a pocket where there is a large green grub nestled. I pulled it out and tried to squish it. It tried to attach itself to me so I ran a few frequencies through it to try to fry it or change it. Finally I asked, "how could this thing be dead?" waiting to see what happened. I think it then changed into a black circle that tried to go back into the tissue and I chased it down firing frequencies at it until I think it fell out and off into space (I hope!).

---Next scenes, I'm not sure of the sequences ---
---I am in a tent with a guy who wants to kiss me. I'm not lucid, and not very conscious so I push him off and notice in profile that he's not very attractive to me. I asked him who he was and he said something like he was one of a bunch of pixies that would go through the portals between worlds and visit. He looked at me face-on, and I think he had only one eye on the left, and on his right was a row of flashing LED's across the browline.

---lucid - I am on an planet that I identify as Mars, because it is so dark and hot and murky. I notice a big pool of dark fluid that seems hot, and I decide to dip in it because I know I am dreaming. It didn't really feel like anything. I ask the dream to show me something important to see, and I'm suddenly in a gym that reminds me of the 80's, with women in 80's workout gear doing aerobics. I'm wondering why the heck am I here? Then I see a group of friends who are looking at me like they are angry and annoyed. It seems that I've disappeared on them without an explanation and they aren't happy about it. I ask if I've done this before and they say yes, apparently that is why they are so irritated with me.

---non-lucid - I am walking and see a former friend walking past me to my right. She doesn't even seem to see me. I unexpectedly screamed, "F*** you, Jenni!". She turned and looked at me, and I fell on the ground and started fumbling between apologizing and not, feeling terrible, saying how I was really hurt by the way our friendship turned out and it wouldn't happen again.

Then I begin walking and walking and walking in the dark, through mountains. Somewhere along the way there are Boy Scouts that I consider asking for a ride. More walking and walking, somewhere along the way I lost my shoes and was concerned about my feet being torn to shreds. I walked into a house and found some shoes "that my mom gave me" that didn't quite fit so I wasn't sure if I should wear them and if I did were there any socks around.
I also remember being on the side of a mountain watching eagles fly over in the dark, and they had amazing luminescent wings.

Then I finally woke up.

Bed @ 10:15pm
Wake @ 5am
Bed @ 6:30am
Wake @ 8:50 am

(before wbtb)
400mcg Huperzine-a
4mg Nicotine gum
2 tabs Theanine Serene
1 Natra Sleep

When I woke up the first time I realized waking up so late was a mistake, but it was worth a try, and I'm surprised I had the success I did. It just took so loooong to get back to sleep, hence the extra supps to get to sleep.

I don't remember the first part when I first became aware, just that there were a lot of people around and I realized it was a waste of my dream time so I flew out through the ceiling. My intended task was to dialog w/my inner self about the pattern/habit of punishing and abusing myself for perceived mistakes, for being in pain, for being weak, etc. I was flew through the ceiling, asked the dream, "hey, dream, what's beyond this dream?" and
next I was in room with my dad. My dad was lying on a mattress on the floor to my left, head away from me. He seemed young, and we were talking really comfortably, with an affinity that I usually don't feel IWL (due to an abusive past). It seemed to me that he and I were "on assignment", and I was trying to wake him up to help him remember his true self. I felt so tender and loving toward him, it was a little awkward in the dream. I said something to him, and he said something like he was remembering, it was coming back to him.

He then held up his right hand and a green light was blinking from inside his wrist.."There's a transmitter" he said. I looked at his left hand, and saw a digital "10:44" shining through his wrist. I lifted his hand, surprised, and remarked on it, there was some kind of device under his hand that now showed a different time. (In the dream, it wasn't a clock or a watch.). Then I moved up by his head, and he turned on his right side and I asked myself, "What does he need?" and then I held him very tenderly. That also felt kind of weird to me, to be so close and so tender toward my father, but I knew I was dreaming and went with it.

There were some non-lucid snippets of being in a room lying on air mattresses with my ex, "T". I was unconsciously moving toward him to have sex with him and some other part of me kept reining myself in, saying "noo nooooo nooo, that's not what I want, remember? I don't want to have sex with him."

I became lucid again and flew again through the ceiling, and said, "Hey, dream, I want you to take me to a beautiful healing temple where I can be alone in a room and collect my thoughts." I began moving at warp speed through a light tunnel, I heard a chorus of beautiful voices that sounded like angels and I felt ecstatic and a little uneasy because I heard the voices singing, "Righteous.....righteous....righteous....righteous ....". It was beautiful and not like a taunt, it still made me wonder, though. I emerged in a plain beige room (yah, thanks so much subconscious) with a nerdy-looking older man wearing a beige suit, glasses, with brown hair and a brown beard.

His back was to me at first, I approached him and asked him, "What do you know about "righteous"?", thinking, my subC dumped me there so he could help. He said, "I can't say I "know" anything about it..."
Me: "Okay, what can you tell me about it?"
Him: "Well, it's complicated. It's a paradox."
I hear someone approaching, and he gives me a look like I better get out of there. I'm thinking, it's a dream, maybe I should face this...but the guy is directing me with his eyes to get out so I left.
There was a gap, next thing I know, I was kneeling by a window on the floor (like one of those basement windows, only it was inside) and a woman in a blue "prison" shirt with dark hair is trying to pull me in where she is, and a long line of women behind here are all holding each other like a conga line, all trying to pull me in together.
I'm pulling back, holding my own, and asking, "WHAT DO YOU NEEEEED????"
I don't remember if she said anything, I was a little frantic, and I said, "I send every one of you one hundred pieces of love..." (totally ganked from Robert Waggoner, lol).
They were still pulling on me, and I yelled out, "God give these women what they need!"

Not sure of the sequence of this part - I walked into a room, and had some big some kind of being stuck to my back. I thought of "monkey on my back", and also think I noticed there was a small hand and also thought it might be related to an experience from the past I'm not quite over yet. As soon as I walked into the room, I saw something that looked like a metallic red hair dryer (come to think of it, it would be more in function like a creme brulee torch) and I walked over to it, pressed the top that I knew would make a flame come out, and turned my back on it so the thing on my back would catch the heat from it. (I guess I was thinking it was like a tick...if you put a flame close to a tick it will detach itself and crawl away). I think it did come off but I'm not sure.

The scene changed, I was flying again, and I said, in a voice that surprised me by how lyrical and strong and confident I sounded, "I want to experience being FREE!". Suddenly I was immersed in and swimming through ocean water that was deep blue and so beautiful. I was somehow in a building that reminded me of a church because it had dark wood frames and stained glass, yet I was still in the water. The building shrank and got smaller, while I was still in water, until I felt as if I were in a coffin. I felt slightly claustrophobic, and reached for a wall, wondering if I should try to break out, or try to wake up.

I reasoned that, I'm dreaming, I can breathe in the water, and I'm not going to die, so let's just see what happens.
I noticed the texture of the 'coffin' changing, to leathery, and a crack appearing above me. I thought "reptilian egg', and saw black filigree spine plates like a stegosaurus pass by the crack, and heard a roar. I was frightened at first, then wondered if I was one of them, if I was a dinosaur about to hatch, in which case I was one of them and belonged and it would be ok to hatch. I pecked at another part of the 'egg', and saw a hand reach through to pull a chunk off.

I thought, "oh, wow, I'm getting help!"
More pieces came off, and I found myself face to face with a muppet, who reminded me of one of the "yip-yips", only he was bright red, and was wearing a viking helmet. He had great big plastic saucer eyes.

I was like, "wtf? a muppet? whut tha wha?" and struggled to stay in the dream, but woke up. I was too awake to get back into it.

Wed morning 06/28/2011

120mg lithium
1 Natra sleep
250mg choline

My mother gave Toni and me each windchimes. I held mine up close to my face, saw that it was blue, and it was weird dreamlike all I could see until I moved it away from my face, and then I could see that the top of it was a light blue pac-man ghost with a glass shard hanging from it in the middle of the chimes nearly the same color about the length and breadth of my forearm. I don’t remember what Toni’s was.

There was also something about flying a flag, that I can sort of see in my mind and it wasn’t really a flag...and my mom gave me some clothes that were too big that I thanked her for, and Toni was saying how if they were ...some kind of particular size, (the right size) then I’d be even happier and somehow as she was talking it was like the clothes in my hands were changing to the right size and also changing into capri jeans that I like.

1 Natra Sleep
200 mcg huperzine before bed

I was in a room with a guy, thinking “Spanish”, maybe he was Spanish, I dunno. He had short dark hair, and light brown skin like he might have been. We talked, and then we kissed, I remember worrying about whether he thought I was a good kisser, and knowing I hadn’t brushed my teeth that day. We stood up, held hands and faced a wall that had a lot of maps hanging on it. We were staring at the maps and I think we were wondering which one to choose. They were hanging sideways and had white frames, they looked like world maps and I was thinking they were framed to fit on bikes (but they were large, about 3’ long). He kissed me again and I was surprised…I think he asked me to massage his back and I did a bit.

Then I went into the kitchen and started loading dishes in the dishwasher. After a short time, he followed me in and asked me to do some more work on his back. I felt resistant, didn’t really want to, mostly because I didn’t know how to help him (and I think I was afraid he'd be dependent on me to keep helping him). Then I suddenly had an idea of standing in front of him, reaching behind his back, placing my knuckles on his lower back and dragging them forward, around to the front. This seemed to work really well, he was delighted and making all kinds of jerky movements with his shoulders.

WBTB
bed @ 11pm
wake @ 4am
bed @ 5am
wake @ 7:45am

8g galantamine
2mg melatonin
250mg choline

galantamine fail. could be due to previous nights huperzine use

I was at a party with some of the women from the 'scene', the 'other' April and maybe Ali was there. I just remember being on a couch hanging out, then in a room where April handed me two cookies and said, "Here, eat these." I did, and then I started to feel high. I asked her if they were 'special' cookies and she said yes, and I was upset because I have been clean for 6 months and didn't really WANT to get stoned (gee, galantamine, a little lucidity would have been nice here...).

Snippet of a guy being unhappy with his girlfriend, I remember some kind of rock n roll dude that picked his gf up like a doll and showed her to me, she was blonde with colorful tats along her shoulders, I was thinking something like they made a good pair.

At some point I was trying to find my shirt because I was sitting around in only my panties feeling exposed.

I was massaging a guy's neck and woke briefly from the dream to find myself massaging my right thigh.

Morning of Sun 06/19/2011

200mcg huperzine-a
4mg nicotine
1mg melatonin

Wake @ 2:30 am
Bed @ 4:00 am (so annoying that it takes me so long to get back to sleep)

Dream 1: I was talking to a baby with a really round head, blonde hair and startling blue eyes. At first I was going to pass it by, but I turned back and asked the baby to tell me something about myself. It said, "You are inquisitive and (something about awareness)."

Dream 2: I was moving into a new apartment, in a special complex. My mother was asking about the phone installation (IWL she use to be a telephone cable repair tech.) and I asked her why she wanted to know, because she's retired. She told me she gets called in for special contracts because she is the only one who can do certain types of work...I didn't want to tell her where my new place is, I didn't want her to mess with my phone and there was something with an image of Taylor in my mind when I was talking to her. I was evasive and annoyed because it felt like she was being smothering or invasive.
(***note - later in the day, I felt emotionally vulnerable. I saw some dragonflies over the fence, and my sister remarked that my grandmother had loved them. I didn't know that, and several thoughts of how dragonflies are a meaningful symbol to me and a particular experience with one just before I left the state all converged and I felt my grandmother's caring, guiding presence and burst into tears...my sister was really surprised by my display of emotion. Also, later, my mother came to me in the kitchen and said, "Thank you for being my daughter." which is really different from her usual "thank you for putting up with me."...and we hugged and kissed and I felt very tender toward her (VERY unusual, my mother and I have never been close)..and I spontaneously said to her, "Thank you for being my mother, nobody else could have done it like you." Which seems related to the "special contract" part of the dream. I'm quite pleased with the integration and processing work that seems to be happening!!***)

Snippet: I remember doing an RC by pinching my nose shut and realizing I could breathe but apparently I either don't remember what happened or the lucidity was very brief.

galantamine 8g
choline 500mg
melatonin 1mg

wake @ 3:30am
sleep @ 6:00am
wake @ 7:45 am

Astarius and the Whiny Vampire-thing

-I was lucid, in a bedroom by myself. I was trying to stabilize in the dream, and it was really dim. I was rubbing myself all over and saying, "I am lucid, the world is vivid" over and over. I got out of bed, and saw a small black creature on a long chain, on the bed. It looked like my sister's small dog, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted to let it go, but I didn't know what it was so I kept trying to get the lights on, saying, "lights on" and "I have the vision of the eagle" over and over, and finally tried to use the light switch, which didn't work. (Note to self: try "vision of the owl" or "night vision" in the future)

- I was becoming lucid, and realizing I was surrounded by a crowd of shadows pressing in on me. I stood up to one guy, and was asking him, "what do you represent? what do you want? do you have a gift for me?" I backed him against a wall, turns out he didn't have a gift for me so I pulled a ruby out of my heart and gave it to him. We were kind of at a standstill, and I asked, "God, what do I do with this person?". A ceramic mask appeared over the guys eyes, we both felt relieved, he said "thank you". I walked to the front of the house and came to a window. I carefully pressed on the window and it maybe cracked slightly but I dove through it pretty easily and flew out.

-Lucid - I was flying around and asked the dream to "show me something important". I was transported to a room where a (guy?) with a slight build was lying in fetal position on the floor, facing me, dressed in black. He started to tell me some kind of story about helplessness, and he bared his teeth which looked like vampire teeth...he started to tell me about how he "had" to be a vampire, he had no choice, some really whiny poor-me story. Then he bit my index finger on my right hand and latched on. I tried to shake him off by slamming him against the floor and the wall...and then I called out, "ASTARIUS!" The wall in front of me opened up and Astarius appeared and with his usual amazingly bright smile and attitude, said, "YES!" I held my hand out to him with the thing stuck to it which was becoming mush by that time and I was realizing it was not as it seemed...and asked him, 'what do I do with THIS?" and he pulled out a tissue and said, "let me help you with that, it's just a little sumpin' sumpin'. I expressed gratitude and appreciation for him and told him I'd let him get back to bed (he was dressed similar to the way he always dresses, except it looked like he was in jammies pattern).

Still lucid - Flying on - I tried to fly up into the black night sky. I couldn't get very far so I called an angel for help, as usual an angel never came so I just started wondering if some part of me would help me. A guy who looked a lot like Taylor zoomed alongside me and helped me fly and I asked him what he represented. He said something like "your bioelectric system" or something. He had a blue rubber headgear that looked like a superhero costume. He told me that "it is IMPERATIVE that you continue to take physical action", which I agreed, I understood it to be connected to something I thought of for solstice, as well as being kind of lazy about sitting back and waiting for the universe to hand me things. We flew to an ice rink where people were ice skating, and I remembered I had ice skated before and liked it and didn't suck too bad.

Flying around somewhere else later - I arrived at a building that had an opening to the right and spiral steps carved into the building going in and down, a purple light was glowing from the center. I thought of it as "Astarius's place". I tried to get in through the stairs, but they did an Alice in Wonderland on me and changed and got smaller and smaller or I got bigger, and couldn't fit. So I tried to get in through another entrance, the wall opened up to reveal something that looked like a desk, and there were boxes of pens in UV pastels all laid out. I was trying to dive in through without messing up the order, and tried to dive in but it was a little solid and so I tried moving everything out of the way telekinetically and stacking it all to the side and diving it, for some reason I don't think I made it in.