non-lucid

My family and I are in transition, we are moving into a new house.

(IRL: We all live separately, until recently, my sister moved in with my mom to save money and find a job closer to mom)

My mom is showing me around, we enter what she intends to be my room.. It’s small and resembles the room I once had as a child. The walls are primarily blue in color and painted with an intricate zig zag design. I express resistance (without words) because I associate it with a room I had when I was a kid.. I feel like I should be moving forward in life rather than moving back. Mom left the room, a little deflated as if to say “I give up”. I walk up to the wall and see up close just how much effort had gone into the elaborate paint job. Suddenly, I understand that it was my mom who painted it for me. I feel bad for hurting her feelings. The colours up close are light blue, and silver, and yellow, and dark blue. Within the lines are intricate patterns and textures and I feel appreciation for my mom. I see there is a nicely made bed in the room and a dresser. On the outside wall there is a mid sized window, which looked out onto the back yard. The backyard is small but has a beautiful tree and a little garden with a red wheel barrow next to it. This room is actually quite lovely.

I leave and go to see what is meant to be my parents’ room across the hall. It is huge, and has wooden beams on the ceiling. It’s empty and extremely dirty. The floors are wooden and unfinished. There are dry leaves in the corners of the room. I look to the windows which are at the top of the wall touching the ceiling, and realized that this part of the house was under ground. I imagine the house is built into a hill. The windows look into wells, which are dirty metal, and full of leaves. As I walk further into the room I see the glass is no longer there, and so this explains where all the leaves came from. The closet doors are missing, and inside they are empty. I feel like there is door to an attic in there but never actually see it myself. This room has a lot of potential to be really beautiful but it has not been cared for in a long time. I wonder where my sister’s room is so I leave to go find it.

I see that there are only 2 bedrooms and my sisters bed is made up in the middle of the living room (not touching any walls, literally in the middle) It is a double sized mattress on top of planks of wood. On top lays fresh bed linens with yellow and orange blankets. And a fluffy pillow.

Mom really loves us. She gives us so much more than we realize. Even now she still puts us before herself.

Suddenly I become really tired. I want to go to sleep now but I can’t, I have to go to school. Wait a second? What school? Highschool? Ahhhg I have to go back to high school?! FUCK! I thought I was finished with that? I can’t believe this, I’m 27 years old, living with my parents and I haven’t even finished highschool. Negative self talk commences and I start asking myself stuff like "when did I become such a loser. Why have I let so much time pass?! It’s my fault that my life sucks. It’s my own carelessness that has gotten me into this mess. What am I going to do now?"

I decide not to go to class that day. I know I cant afford to lose any more time, but I don’t care. I've decided I’m going to spend the day sleeping.



Ok so this “forgetting to finish highschool” has become a repeating theme in my dreams. As soon as my dream takes this sort of turn I become overwhelmed with feelings of panic, worry, fear…Like I’m in a nightmare. I assume it has a lot to do with my birthday coming up. I tend to get life path related anxiety when my birthday grows near. “What am I doing with my life, why am I so far behind, why didn’t my past self give a crap about where I’d be in the future?” can very much be applied to me in my waking life. (Although I did graduate highschool and completed some college)

When I woke up I looked at the clock and it had only been 3 minutes since my alarm went off. Confirming my suspicion that my inner clock moves WAAAAAAAAY faster when I sleep.

So I have had the flu this whole weekend. It's disturbed my sleep quite a bit and so my recall has been pretty lame as a result.

One fragment:

Everything is black. There are rainbow coloured outlines of a 3 dimensional house in my field of vision. This house folds down and reassembles into a differently shaped structure. It is in a constant state of change, flipping in an organized yet kaleidoscopic sort of way. I have no body. I am just watching this sequence unfold. For a while I am mesmerized. I have no feelings about it at all. Then for a second I think to myself "Wow this is beautiful" (shocked that it has taken me so long to notice) but before I could hang on that emotion I suddenly feel extremely disturbed by this complete shift in my perspective of reality as I do not know where "I" fit in this equation..What is "I"?

Then I physically roll out of that dream, and right over into the next.

This dream is not particularly visual. It feels like sinking, sinking, sinking... floating floating floating...

Sinking forever...into my mattress. Never settling upon any stillness. Not being grounded, not having any point of physical reference. It makes me feel dizzy after a while. The materials of my bed have liquified around me. I transitioning through a portal. Still I cannot see but I can hear something: A repetitive, yet non consistent WHOOSHING sound. This sound indicates the speed at which I'm propelling through 'space'. It also alludes to the idea that I am coming in close contact with other physical things (or beings?) also in a state of projection. My body feels soooo heavy. The weight never lifts, it only presses on me harder as I sink deeper and deeper. I am powerless. I am at the mercy of something big.. Something my mortal mind will never comprehend.




It's funny, just the other day I was wondering why my dreams are so visually oriented. It would be nice if I could incorporate more (if not all) of my senses.